Random thoughts from Random Clothing recently...

[swallow]

Hi All,

 

Just been musing lately...

 

I've been FULL SCALE transitioned into Feminine Clothing for a while now.

 

Until I open my mouth, its "Mam" or "Miss" (preferably the latter of course)🤭

 

But even still somethings surprise unexpectedly.😮

 

You know you are experiencing Transition when some items of clothing illicit pause for thought...and unwittingly remind you that you are transgender.

 

1) By Trial and Error, I pretty much have my undergarments down now. My usual practise is to wear the panties and the gaff (I call it the control) on the outside.

 

Recently, I rummaged too deep into my drawer (Really there aren't too many items) and found a soft pink panty I had bought very early on. I had mistakenly bought a pair of XL albeit it is a Japanese brand so I suppose its akin to a large maybe.🤔

 

I mean it was way too big before, so I put it aside and had forgotten about it.

 

Since it announced itself, I decided to put it on.

 

Big surprise. I fit them. Clearly my behind has been doing some growing!🤗

 

Well that was unexpected.

 

You don't realise the changes since they seem so incremental....suddenly you get reminded that you have changed.😮

 

2) Today I was at a discount shop killing ten to fifteen minutes between lunch with a friend and picking up my son at High School.

 

I had gone for my weekly long run in the morning and my favorite compression knee high socks are well worn with big holes for both heels to show themselves (I suppose I could become them a new fashion that might catch on)😬

 

So whilst perusing the limited fashion aisle at this shop, I noticed there was a sale on knee high compression socks. Once $18 now going for $6.....tempting.😶

 

The best design of the lot was the rainbow. It was also somehow softer than the others even if similar brand.

 

I must have stood there quite a while (forgot the time) pondering whether to pull the trigger.

 

On the one hand, I'm proud enough to wear rainbow to show support but OTOH there was a nagging voice calculating whether I would "Out" myself wearing them.

 

Just suppose I nominally just pass by 5% (for some stranger) but then the socks pushes me 5% the other way, gives the game up and confirms their otherwise mild suspicion?🥺

 

In the end I realise the time to pick my son up was five minutes ago and decided the rainbow would not match my usual Light Blue running top anyway. It would be too busy for me.

 

Goodness...lost in myriad thoughts.🤯

 

3) Another item of clothing I have forgotten but on occasion stare at in my cupboard is a long floral halter summer dress with little ribbon straps of the same material.

 

I've been nervous wearing it before and have mulled going out with it but each time when it comes to show time, I invariably take it off, discard it for an old familiar...😞

 

Mostly I'm conscious about my arm and shoulders and worry they may appear too big or wide and give the game away (not that it matters since my voice does that eventually anyway)

 

But a couple weekends back I did it, I bit the proverbial bullet, wore it out to my friend's final summer pool party.

 

I figured it was the last chance for a while to make a splash in it before summer is over and my friends gay parties should be a safe and forgiving enough environment.

 

NO one mentioned A thing but when I got home, I posted it to one of my close girlfriends (an actress) and she came back with the remark " You look like a Bitch! soooo girl!"☺️

 

That was like a graduation almost coming from her since she has high standards for fashion and visual pass. Of course I told her I would want to match the visual success with vocals as well but she reminded me she liked my current voice. "But its male" I remonstrated. "I like your voice" she insisted which leads me to wonder maybe she might fear losing a male element of me that reminds her of who I was?🤔

 

OTOH at least the dress after all my habitual fears ... was not the problem at all.

 

I guess much of the fear sometimes resides in one's head and sometimes we don't know how much we actually do pass, instead we prefer to second guess ourselves...

 

...but the paranoia is always lingering.😨

 

4) Today I went with my friend on his Trader Joe's run, wasn't gonna get anything since I had more or less reach my weekly spend limit and still had to get some stuff I earmarked at the Japanese supermarket later.

 

I guess I must have been in my own world bc the shop assistant (a young Asian man) came over to offer help.

 

As usual, I got a "Miss".

 

I responded in male voice but instantly (yet again) regretted it. Luckily he took it in his stride and I continued as per oblivious enquiring about the sponges and commenting on how the store layout (quite obviously) was somewhat different from the one I was normally use to in my hood.😄

 

Over recent weeks I have felt a self push to try and exercise my female voice more in public since by all extents, I seem to keep passing only to throw the spanner in the works.

 

I had mention to an old friend who was keen to find out how different I have felt since transition, that I was the same person as before, that if people heard me but my voice was more female, I would still likely speak mostly in the same neutral manner I am accustom to that he has been familiar with anyway since our school days.

 

Maybe I might pick up some feminine inflections from social cues. But really nothing would have changed terribly in terms of my speech pattern.

 

Yet, IF I had a female tone, I would have likely been viewed female regardless of clothing.🧐

 

Sometimes, it doesn't seem to me like much would be different if I had the voice to go with but all of a sudden, others would then see a female.

 

How far a different tone can make a difference.🤨

 

I overheard another Transgender at a shop recently whilst at the check out. She was talking to someone about her transition.

 

I didn't look her way (more for fear I guess of outing my own self than anything) but her voice (like mine) was still noticeably male.

 

It hit me (without knowing whether she pass visually), that I needed to make more effort to pass my own voice bc despite being fellow Trans, I was (to be truthful) reading her male bc of voice.

 

And if I was already passing female visually (as maybe she was), what a pity to not complete the job properly

 

...I personally wanted to go grab her and tell her we need to work on this together but how rude and presumptuous that would be of course.😬

 

My sister recently came over to visit as well and despite being for all practical purposes supportive, she still tends to use male gender pronouns on me.😒

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't mind but I certainly understood it since she has known me as male for most of her life and its a hard transition for herself to make.

 

And I felt guilty I wasn't entirely helping things since I was not working hard enough implementing a female voice (warts and all at this stage) to also help push people more familiar and closer to me toward also making their own transition accepting my new self.☹️

 

Clothes mask my otherwise shortfalls.

 

They now more accentuate my passing but there is still a ways to go convincing myself and others beyond them. But I am not far.