The Point of Coming Out

[Lydia_R]

I'm nervous about coming out, especially at work, and I'm wondering what the point of it is?  Is it just not keeping a secret?  I'm working 100% remote, but I am in quite a few video meetings.  I've only had my main job for 7 months.  I've come out to one of my friends and one of my clients (who is a friend as well).  One of my freelance clients had a video call with me on the weekend a few weeks ago and I was wearing my little black dress.  They didn't mention anything and I really don't know if they noticed anything odd.

 

My 8-5 job definitely has a transgender policy and has regular harassment training.  I'm starting to feel like I should just let people know instead of continuing to hide.  I've never been good with keeping secrets and it's starting to be a problem for me.  I'm a software engineer in the healthcare field, so it's not like I'm likely to see any harassment from this.  Maybe I should frame it to them in the context that it is starting to be uncomfortable keeping this as a secret?

 

Should I just write an email to HR?  For my freelance clients, I'll just write them an email.  They are all like friends.  Really just one client.  The 8-5 is a little more formal.

 

I've only been on HRT for one month now.  So far so good.  I like the effects that I can notice and am looking forward to more changes.

[Kasumi63]

For me, the point was simple: since my appearance was going to be radically changing, there was no way I could possibly hide it, so I was simply giving everyone a heads up about what was going to happen. At the time, I felt a bit envious of LGB folks who really do have the option of keeping it private or secret. In retrospect, however, I don't feel envious at all. The joy I feel at being able to live openly as myself is almost tangible, and I feel sad for those who remain in the closet. For context, I should mention that the majority of LGBT folks here in Japan are in the closet. Slowly, but surely, people are starting to come out.

 

It's interesting, Lydia, that you have two situations, one where you could hide it, and one where you can't. As for how to mention your transition to your colleagues, that's of course entirely up to you, but I just said something like this: "Over the next few months you will start to notice changes in my dress and appearance. In case anyone asks, I wanted to let you guys know in advance what's going on with me. Well, I'm a transgender woman, and from tomorrow, I'm going to start living as myself. Since the changes will be obvious, I thought you guys should know. Thank you for your understanding and support as I go through this exciting transition."  From the very next day, I started wearing dresses and makeup to work. I know I'm one of the lucky ones, but my colleagues and university has been overwhelmingly supportive.

So my advice is that no matter what you say, try to stay positive, with the assumption that everyone will be supportive. By the way, I told my Department Chair and Dean face-to-face, but my department colleagues during a Zoom meeting. Good luck!

 

[MirandaB]

My version of this conundrum is that I work mostly remote, but they drag me in every once in a while. So I do make my way to the non-gendered single use toilet, dress in something from my everyday wardrobe which doesn't seem to get noticed, get comments on the length of my hair, that kind of thing.

 

But I do find on those days, and even on remote days when someone says or types 'Thank you sir', or lumps me in a group of 'fellas' or 'guys' or whatever that it does make me grumpy. 

 

At some point I think it's gonna be one of those genderings that makes me just come out, just going to be Sir-ed one too many times. 

[sevan]

i came out because 1 the people i came out to deserves to know i cant hide it forever and 2 gender dysphoria bothers me a lot and i no longer want to be misgendered. its p simple for me

[Lydia_R]

I came out to my two closest friends the other day and they are very supportive.  So that was a positive move. 

 

It's really about being authentic.  I haven't been authentic around other people lately and that is bothering me much more than I thought it was.

[Lydia_R]

I've started the process at coming out at work.  My side job is totally on board and supportive and I'm still waiting to hear back from HR at my main job.

 

This process made me ponder what being my authentic self means.  I've been confused about my identity and sexual orientation my whole life, but I've been lucky in that I've been authentically confused.  Until the last few years.  During these years, I've been one person when I'm alone and I've been acting different when I'm around other people.  The fear of drawing attention to myself and of being awkward is at the center of that.  It got to a point recently where I just couldn't keep it up anymore.

 

It is awkward being called Lydia.  I'll just have to see how that goes.  I feel good having come out both to friends and at work.  Coming out like this is something I chose to do, but this is a standard thing for people in our position.  It's one of the things we do on this journey.  I'm glad I didn't wait any longer.

[Lydia_R]

My boss had a beautiful reaction to my coming out this week.  He said that he visited the WWII museums in Germany and came back from that saying that it is the kind of thing that happens when people are not accepting of others who are not like themselves.

 

Thanks for sharing your story Katie!  It was definitely a nail biting type of situation.  I came out to virtually everyone I know this week.  No negative response from anyone thus far.  Everyone will be calling me Lydia when I go to work next week.  It certainly will be nice to be wearing my regular clothes at work and have some good practice with being addressed by my new name.  This will be a welcome change from being in the closet for years.

 

-Lydia

[Susan R]

@Katie23 Wow! Thanks for sharing your coming out experiences. It does seem that it depends on your geography as to the reception one gets with such revelation. I feel like the stigma associated with coming out from just a few decades ago is waning. I was blessed with the timing of starting at my current position simultaneously with my coming out, name and ID changes, etc… You seem to be in a good place right now.

 

23 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

I came out to virtually everyone I know this week.  No negative response from anyone thus far.  Everyone will be calling me Lydia when I go to work next week.  It certainly will be nice to be wearing my regular clothes at work and have some good practice with being addressed by my new name.  This will be a welcome change from being in the closet for years.

@Lydia_R Congratulations on moving forward with this huge step. I know you will find more happiness and freedom in your work being your authentic self. There will likely be an adjustment period as there would be with any change of this magnitude but it does seem like it was a much needed step for you. I am happy for you. If you can, keep us updated as to how things are being received with your coming out at work. I’d enjoy reading more about it. Thanks for the wonderful update.

 

All The Best,

Susan R🌷

[Lydia_R]

It's really more simple than what I was thinking.  It felt really abnormal and scary to do this.  But the reality is that I am transgender and this is simply one of the normal things that transgender people do.  Fear of rejection certainly plays into this and geography probably does play into it too.  I got lucky and didn't get rejected.  I got love and acceptance back from it and it did feel good.  I felt a little guilty about receiving so much love and acceptance.

 

One of my close friends said to me last night that one of the reasons I got accepted was because all these people know and respect me.  I have worked hard to get to where I am in life and do my best to be super respectful of people.

 

My best friend had a sexual response to it.  Partially because we've talked about sexual things before.  And I certainly had more of a sexual edge to myself a year ago than I do now.  Maybe the HRT is affecting me!  😀  Men!

 

I came away from this with a better understanding of what "authentic self" means.  I've lived a pretty authentic life up until the last few years.  I was authentically confused, but I was not actively hiding until recently.

 

What's really coming out of the closet are my men's clothes.  They are moving to the recycle bin!

 

It's wonderful to hear from you Susan.  Thanks for being a part of my transition on TGP!

 

-Lydia

 

[Lydia_R]

What's your name?

Dead Name.

What?

Dead Name. D E A D, N A M E!

 

What's your name?

Lydia.

Lydia?

Yes. 😀

[Lydia_R]

It's only been a week since I started coming out to everyone.  I started feeling a little unworthy of all the positive feedback I got from it.  Like I did it just for the attention.

 

It feels great to not hide after hiding for a few years.  I've been on HRT for 2 months now and it feels like it is having some effect on my emotions as well.  I cried about my brother's death for the first time the other day.  I had written a piano song for him when he passed and playing it was what triggered the tears.  It could be all the emotions from coming out too.

 

On day one of HRT I lost my morning erections and that was so relaxing.  It's like that relaxing feeling is building up with every day that passes.

 

My men's clothes have not left the house yet, but they are in the entry ready to make their trip to clothing heaven.  I wore my dress to the grocery store today for the first time.  And a restaurant that I've become a regular at.

 

Although I spilled my guts to the people I work closely with, I am realizing that it isn't other people's business.  Coming out is a public thing by definition.  I'm finding that people are supportive, but they admit to me that they don't understand why I'm doing it.  And explaining it is beating a dead horse.  It's best to just say "I'm Lydia" and leave it at that.

 

I'm looking forward to the dust settling and just being me.  And doing my work to get to retirement.  I'm glad that I didn't wait until retirement to do this.  It was hard to decide to do a medical transition.  And it was hard to decide to come out and tackle the fear of rejection.  I got though that just fine though.

[Charlize]

Congratulations Lydia.  The time comes when you wondered what all the fuss was about.  Someone will call out your dead name and you will know they aren't calling you.  It took time, and perhaps the journey to self acceptance and love takes a lifetime.  For me it has been a path to peace.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Abigail Eleanor]

On 11/2/2022 at 12:36 AM, Lydia_R said:

I am realizing that it isn't other people's business.  Coming out is a public thing by definition.  I'm finding that people are supportive, but they admit to me that they don't understand why I'm doing it.  And explaining it is beating a dead horse.  It's best to just say "I'm Lydia" and leave it at that.

Yes! This!  I have a strong tendency to want others to completely get why I do things or believe things. It's slowly becoming clear to me that this is so unnecessary. People don't really have to understand me in order to respect me. Question now is: how long will it take me to make this an instinctive part of my response to how others treat me. 🤔