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Looking for some guidance trying to come to terms


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I'm a 27 year old male. I've always been on the smaller side physically and ever since I can remember I've had feelings or dreams associated with being a female even growing up at the age of 4 having lucid dreams of being magically transformed into a girl were always vedy prominent. Over the years this turned from the occasional dream to more prominent feelings as I got older in my early teens I started to find arousal out of these thoughts and over the years this has only gotten worse for me to the point where even the thought of wearing women's clothes gives me butterflies let alone the thoughts of transitioning. The thoughts in my head have always been ever confusing and I've never really been in positions to try and understand them like my want or need to crossdress. Ive only a handful of times been able to fulfill the constant craving to be a female  but even to this day I constantly fantasize and pleasure myself to the thought of being a woman. I've never spoken or written this but in 27 years on this planet it's one thing that never leaves my mind for more then a few minutes. I'm hoping that maybe I can find some help in trying to figure out what is I feel all the time and what makes me desire it so much it's extremely hard being in certain living situations and never being able to try and express myself as a woman. I wouldnt say im confused about gender i understand im a man but no matter what i just cant seem to shake this need to be a woman.I know the image of myself in my mind is female but trying to make the image a reality is something I've never been able to attempt on my own. I never really associated much with very masculine things more so just trying to fit in. From always playing female characters in video games to being able to talk more with female friends about anything. I guess I'm trying to ask how one can come to terms with the fact that I'm probably Trans and would be better off as a woman and much happier. Never having spoke this to anyone but myself some outside insight would be appreciated.

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2 hours ago, RebeccaInMyHead said:

Never having spoke this to anyone but myself some outside insight would be appreciated.




So, I mean, maybe? The thing is that none of us are gender therapists. You're going to need to nail things down with one of those. I recognize a lot of what you're doing from my own life, but we're all different you know?


I didn't crossdress (I mean, I did once when I was little and got my ass KICKED for it, so... OK, maybe I stole a couple of things when I was older, it wasn't exactly cross-dressing though, I was going for breast prosthetics), I do the female characters in video games thing though. Cried myself to sleep wishing I'd wake up as a woman. Tried to tuck at three. You know, usual stuff.


Anyway, again we're not gender therapists, but I reccomend talking to one. In the meantime, maybe check out You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. It's a really good book to help you work out things in the beginning.


Big hugs, good luck and feel free to ask questions as the mood strikes you! We're glad you're here!

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4 hours ago, RebeccaInMyHead said:

I guess I'm trying to ask how one can come to terms with the fact that I'm probably Trans and would be better off as a woman and much happier.


Hi, Rebecca.  Welcome!


I second @Jackie C.'s suggestion to see a gender therapist.  You have a lot to discuss with one.  Your description is achingly familiar, though I didn't get to where you are until I was in my 60s.


We can give you our opinions, but we are amateurs.  A proper therapist with experience dealing with gender dysphoria can give you feedback to reassure you that you are understanding your situation well, and can help you with planning a way forward.




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5 hours ago, RebeccaInMyHead said:

I wouldnt say im confused about gender i understand im a man but no matter what i just cant seem to shake this need to be a woman


Hi, Rebecca, and welcome.


One of the most useful lessons I learned from a conversation with a trans woman some years ago was a better understanding of the three terms Gender, Attraction, and Sex, which she referred to as the "GAS" model for easy recall.  I'll define them in reverse order:  Sex is associated with your physical traits -- doctors assigned you as Male when you were born, for example.  Attraction is associated with interest in others, be it females, other males, both, neither, etc. Gender is how you inwardly identify and think of yourself -- for example, as a woman, a man, non-binary, etc.  This often evolves over time as we find out more about who we are and what brings happiness.


Our society tends to conflate (make synonymous) Gender and Sex, however.  If you were born a male, then your gender must be male.  The GAS model doesn't do that -- there's a separate accommodation for each of the three.  For me, it was one of those light bulb moments that helped a lot with how my inward identity and my outer appearance could be so different.


I echo the advice you've been given about working with an experienced gender therapist.  I don't think I could say it any better than @KathyLauren-- that it will help you with planning a way forward.   Though each of us here have many common threads, we also have unique circumstances.  And no matter the pace, this is a lifetime journey.


I wish you all the best, and look forward to hearing more from you should you want to share more.  We all are here to 

support each other.





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Thank you all for such understanding and welcoming words it really means a lot. This is something I've been trying to live with under the radar as long as I can remember. ( the whole bottle up the emotions and pretend nothings wrong ) But the more I try and find what makes me happy and who I am the more my mind goes to how happy I'd be to express my true self the more I realise as you all have said that a gender therapist is probably my best option. This is kinda my first step into trying to accept this and looking for ways and advice from others like yourselves that have maybe experienced similar feelings and how to maybe manage a little bit better and how to go about properly asking for the proffesional help that i desperately need. Again thank you all for the warm welcoming words and I hope to learn much from everyone on these forums during my journey to finding my true self.

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Hi @RebeccaInMyHead, pleased to meet you. The others have given wonderful advice. One of the 1st things I was told to do when I realised I needed to look deeper was remove some of the fantasy aspect to see how it felt. Turned out I got just about as much satisfaction presenting in ladies jeans and a top to watch TV or read a book as I did from fantasising. Though many of my daydreams had been about doing mundane activities like shopping, dancing & going for coffee!  Be honest with yourself and take time to register not just where you feel "wrong", but where you feel "right". Good luck!

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Yeah. I also had the libidinal aspect myself and it was confusing to me whether I was just fantasizing.. I also got very excited about actually being a girl but back then there wasn't internet forums like this. The idea seemed beyond the realm of all possibility. So good that you are coming to terms and starting to figure it out in a safe venue.

Not every trans girl has that libidinal aspect early on I assume, just like not everyone were gamers and role played. It was something though, that eventually for me took on a different meaning, that it was an insight into my identity. But it took some searching to realize it and certainly finding safe spaces to dress up express myself, and explore my identity- whatever it was.

We post reminders that we are not therapists, and that is true, meaning only you have the answers. But I can share my experience since with the web there is a lot of misinformation from people with letters behind their name and actual experiences of trans people go unheard. 



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11 hours ago, stveee said:

But I can share my experience since with the web there is a lot of misinformation from people with letters behind their name and actual experiences of trans people go unheard.

A lot of the "experts" are coming from a cis-gender mindset.  I'm not sure they understand how this really works.  They're on the outside looking in.

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Your post is and thoughts are similar to many of us on this page. No, you are not alone. There are some of us that just know, yet one needs to be careful. I am a nurse practitioner, and yet, despite feeling 110% sure I have had a female soul since I was born, I benefitted tremendously from seeking a qualified counselor/therapist to evaluate my dysphoria. I had a second evaluation as well. To this day, I have a counseling session usually 1-2 times per month. 


I get it completely. You have this mental makeup that screams "I am female yet I am in a male body". When you are a kid, everybody would think you were nuts if you said something. Believe me, I paid that price when I was a kid growing up in the 1960s. There were no programs for kids back then. Many of us took the female role when we could while playing role-playing games. Many of us have had that same sense of longing that you are currently experiencing. I often wondered just how much different my life had been if I could have just lived it instead of thinking about it constantly and being distracted. 


Find yourself a qualified counselor. It may not be easy, but this is someone you will need to be able to open up to and spill everything. Do not be afraid to do this. Something that may help you is to sit down and write out as many of the key things you can remember about your desires, compulsions, etc. Do not be afraid to do so. Some memories will be painful. Again, do not be afraid to open up to your counselor. 


You have a big community of folks who have walked the same path. We are here as a group!



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