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I'm Terrified


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At a very early age I saw a group of young girls in leotards, tights and tutu's lined up on a stage performing for parents at scouting function. I was absolutely in awe. The next day I asked my mother if I could have an outfit like that and she said "no, those are for girls". I was heartbroken. Growing up I did pretty normal things with other boys but would go to bed at night praying I would wake up a girl. Fast forward to about age 40. I was now a father of three kids and happily married to a woman. One day my wife walked in on me as I was trying on her panties. She was upset at first but soon decided it was a bit of a turn on. For the next few years I purchased many pairs of panties and would wear them under all of my clothes. By the time I was about 43 I experienced ED and my sex life began to go downhill. I started looking at TG sites and reading stories of MTF transformations which was very exciting to me. I am now 63 and a grandfather to two girls. In April of this year I lost my wife after almost 34 years of marriage. Beginning in October of this year I began researching using herbal supplements for MTF transitioning. I quickly began using them in hopes of growing breasts and feminizing myself. I have also become addicted to buying women's underwear, shoes, clothes, makeup, etc. 


I am here because I think I need to talk to others that may be in similar situations. I am concerned about my kids, grandchildren or brothers finding out about me. I know my behavior is irrational but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm sure some of this could be depression after losing my wife on top of losing my oldest daughter in a car accident one year earlier. Any help would be greatly appreciated.



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  • Admin

Your behavior is actually something we have all had to deal with.  I guess that tells you the type of people we are here.  To us, it simply goes with the territory of being Trans.  My grandchildren took my changes better than their parents did, so unless their parents have poisoned the well of the children's normal ability to accept this type of thing you will be OK there.  One foot ahead of the other, one day at a time for all the rest.

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Hi, Lacey.  Welcome.


Sorry to hear of the loss of your wife and daughter.


It is possible that you are transgender.  It is also possible, as you suggest, that you may have other issues happening.  You need to talk to an expert to help sort this out.  Seek out a gender therapist, someone with expertise in gender issues.


I would really suggest staying away from self-prescribing herbal medications.  They can be dangerous, and may not even be effective.  Even the real stuff needs to be monitored by a doctor to ensure you are getting a suitable dosage.




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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, Lacey.  I understand exactly how you feel, as my own experiences are similar to yours in many ways.  I can assure you that what you feel is in no way irrational, but almost certainly derives from being transgender.  If you feel like being female is more true to yourself than feeling, or being, male, then you are transgender and probably have been since early childhood.


But what you do about those feelings is where the difficulty begins.  You can try to ignore them, or bury them in your psyche out of shame or guilt, or you can talk with a gender therapist about them, and that professional will help you decide what your next steps are, if any.  We are happy to talk to you here about your feelings and desires, but we aren't therapists or psychologists.  There is no shame in how you feel, hon. 


I do want to caution you, as others have or will soon tell you, that using herbal supplements to medically transition is extremely dangerous and could result in serious illness.  Because of that we do not allow discussion of herbals on this site, and if you disregard that rule your post won't be allowed.  I urge you to talk with a therapist and a doctor about discontinuing those supplements and getting treated with hormones and testosterone blockers, if your doctor recommends it.


I think you'll find a lot of great information here, and we'll be happy to answer all your questions, except about the subject noted above.  I wish you all the best.




Carolyn Marie

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First and foremost, I'm sorry for the grief you are experiencing after the loss of your daughter, and then your wife. The pain of grief is equal to, but not greater than the love you have for your family members. You may need to seek grief counseling specifically to find comfort from your loss. Loosing a spouse is normal natural grief, because we're contemporaries. However the loss of a child, no mater the age. Is a totally different level of grief, because it's not normal for a parent to bury a child. The grief of a parent is forever, and you don't get over it. You get through it, with continued counseling.


Now as we look at your thoughts on dreaming and wanting to be a girl from a very young age. You're not alone there either. I too, thought I should have been born a girl, and waited to act on it until my mid sixties. I now see a gender therapist to work through a slow transition. I would also recommend that you seek out a gender therapist for real advice on your specific situation. As for the use of herbal supplements to transition. It's not a good idea to alter your body without proper medical supervision. These supplements can have adverse reactions on your internal organs, not to mention any other prescription drugs you may be on for a normal maturing body.


Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,



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Lacey, the feelings you are having are valid. They are yours. Of course, they need reality checks before considering acting on them. I am 63 myself, although with no kinds, but I have a loving partner, who doesn't always understand. I try to get her and anyone I am trying to let see what's going on with me. Sometimes they can relate and other times not. I believe knowing how someone reacts says a lot. To many faux pus to list. Be wary of these people.


Do you have a therapist that understands trans issue, or can you obtain one without to much trouble, Some are good and some are not so good, and some are horrible. Fire them.


The two last things I want to say to you is I would not call it and addiction, I can only speak for myself but I bought what I could. A few things a week. And then the stimulus checks started coming, and 90 % of the first two checks were spent on clothes. Because of it I had a nice and adequate wardrobe. I called it shopping sprees. I still add a piece at a time. I don't think it is weird or a fetish. Personally, I don't believe in fetishes unless that they cause problems in living their life, The other thing is to be very careful of doing hormones in any form with out medical care. The are major health problems. And blood test can catch some of them. So pleas be careful.


I hope this was of some help to you, 

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Thank you all so much for your kindness and understanding. I have never (ever) discussed any of this with anyone before. I am in the process of seeing a therapist to see if that may be of benefit. I will monitor this site and check in should there be an update or if I just want to share some other deep dark secrets. 



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