struggling with transgender issues

[connorleekspin]

sorry if this is the incorrect forum topic!!

 

i'm a transgender guy, and i fully believe that i am a guy. it's just, i have a few issues and i'd like to know if anyone else has this:

 

 1. feeling like you're baiting people when talking to them online without the transgender flag in your bio/etc. 

whenever my avatar looks masc and/or have my new name and he/him in my info, i can't help but feel like i'm tricking people into thinking i'm a cis man and it makes me feel really guilty for it. of course if they asked if i was transgender i'd answer truthfully, but i feel like when someone doesn't know i'm not a cis man, i just have a feeling that they would be disappointed that, well, i'm not cis.

 

2. feeling like you're invalid because you don't want to do a lot of major changes to your body, go on estrogen/testosterone, surgeries, sometimes wanting to wear feminine clothing and don't get too much dysphoria.

 

i don't really care too much about my chest, it doesn't always make me uncomfortable until i'm asked to wear an actual bra and not just a sports-bra.

 i don't plan on getting bottom surgery although i'd like to get my uterus removed at some point, mainly because i don't want kids (if i end up wanting them, i'd just adopt anyways) and i also hate my periods. 

 

i'm unsure of whether i want testosterone or not, i'm kind of wary of it since it DOES do a lot to your body, hairloss, et cetera, and i don't know if i'm ready for all of that. i also don't like the idea of having to take it on a routined basis as i've never had to do that before. the only thing i really want out of testosterone is a deeper voice as i have been 'blessed' with this annoying, high-pitched voice which really pisses me off and stops me from doing a lot of things. i'm scared to go on public voice-channels without my friends on it because i don't wanna be invalidated or just simply get mysoginistic phrases thrown at me because i sound like a woman.

 

 i also want to wear feminine clothing sometimes, but can't because i know very well that people will automatically see me as a girl due to the fact i don't pass at all. when i want to wear pretty clothes like that, i want to be seen as a guy wearing more-feminine clothes, not a girl wearing feminine clothes.

 

3. not liking certain compliments (handsome in specific)

 now this may be just me being picky, but i cannot stand being called handsome. it does the opposite than what it's intended to do, it makes me feel like a girl or like i'm invalid because it just feels like it's trying too hard to accept me and see me as a guy. i also don't really see handsome being used on cis men too much anymore. i much prefer 'pretty' as it's not only used on girls but is also used on men a lot now too, which makes me feel like i'm a proper guy. even though 'pretty boy' makes me cringe just cos its corny to me, it's better than handsome. 

 

 all of this makes me feel invalid because it's not what most people see when they think of transgender, i feel that they see: full body transitions and surgeries, either extremely masculine or extremely feminine. and what upsets me is that i don't fit into either of those properly. i'm way more masculine then i am feminine, but not extremely masc. it makes me feel like i don't fit into what the 'transgender label entails' and that i'm NOT valid.

 

 i don't really expect many people to read this but id like some reassurance that this is normal and that i'm a guy!!! because recently its been tough. thanks

[MaryEllen]

Hello connorleakspin. 

 

Welcome to TransgenderPulse.  We all have issues so don't stress out over it. Just do what seems right for you and everything will fall into place.

 

MaryEllen 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@connorleekspin I feel some of what you describe.  I was born female, but intersex.  Still working out how much of a boy I actually am.  It gets awkward at times.  Thankfully I never developed breasts, so I never worry about the top.  But for the bottom part, like you I don't really feel like doing any kind of surgery.  One of my friends is MtF trans, and she feels similarly.  I think choosing not to go the surgery route is probably pretty common. 

 

But feeling invalid is something I definitely get.  Like I'm not cis enough, not trans enough, not enough of anything.  Feels really awkward, right? 

 

And compliments.  Oh, yuck.  I don't want to be called handsome, pretty, or really anything else.  For you, does it just not feel believable?  I feel like people are lying to me even if they aren't.  Hopefully things work out for you so you can accept people's positive thoughts, in whatever form they arrive. 🙃