Wife isn't into women, especially my type of fem

[WorkingItOut]

The last couple nights have been rough talks. I got some acrylic nails done in a cute candy cane style, not too long. I think they are so pretty and I like the feel and care I have to give them.  I've been painting my nails for a couple weeks. I asked her advice on the way to the nail salon on what to get but she's never done acrylics before and didn't think I was going to do that. "Poor trashy girls spend money on nails like those, women who aren't do the french tips".

And that's just the little spark right? Then come all the questions I haven't really given a lot of thought too, I'm just enjoying the moment.

But she doesn't like my answers to if I could be reborn as a female and live in a world where i could do well with a STEM career without male privilege.

Always identified as bi/queer and was closeted crossdresser, but mainly hooked up with bi and lesbian women (I had some great long hair in highschool).

I took one of those quizzes yesterday about "am I trans" and it was "based on the last year how often" and if it was like "last month" instead then the pro trans answers (putting me right on the border) would have changed from somewhat to frequently. 

About a month ago I had the idea of being skinny again and being able to fit a dress like I used too and I've been on a bit of a walkabout since buying cheap stuff on Amazon and figuring out what works and what I like. A couple days ago the bike arrived and I've loved it too.

But I hate hurting my wife so much. She tells me she's scared that if I transitioned we would separate, she says I would leave her and in the same breath that she isn't into fem women (it's another patriarchal like convention that has it's own toxicity). I love her. And now the new clothes I've been excited about for weeks arrived and I'm not excited about them and I dread for her to see me on the bike... I feel real -crappy- now. 

Maybe I'm just letting my fantasies get away from me, but that's not a consoling explanation either is it?

[Carolyn Marie]

YoloW, I understand well how exciting it can be at first, and you want to feel beautiful and feminine and go all out.  But believe me, that will wear off after a while.  If you plan to transition, I suggest taking it a bit slower, and realize that not every woman, not even most women, dress and do makeup in a glam style, or wear high heels to the mall, and all the rest.  Most women I know, trans and cis, just want to feel comfortable while still feeling feminine.  Perhaps your wife would be less concerned if you were less ostentatious and less free with comments and actions that you know will bother and worry her.

 

My wife was also worried about me "running off" to be with a man, when I first came out to her.  She thought about divorce, too.  But within a year she calmed down and realized that she still loved me and could learn to deal with living with a woman.  She worried about what her conservative religious family would think and say.  But they turned out to be very supportive.  We are still together and happy.

 

It's important to keep communications open, to try and understand her fears, to compromise and listen.  It isn't all about you; not if you want to keep your marriage.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie