Helping my friend find a partner

[awkward-yet-sweet]

I'm close friends with a trans girl...she and I even look alike.  Although she enjoys hanging out with my family, she's desperately lonely in the romance department.  She's never found a serious relationship, and she's really sad with the holidays approaching.  She's had terrible luck trying to find a boyfriend, and I've been doing my best to look around for her.  Now, my friend isn't 100% straight.  She strongly prefers guys, but she told me she might be open to a relationship with a girl.  I think I've found a girl for her!  The girl mostly prefers guys, but is open to the idea of a relationship with a girl.  Both my friend and my acquaintance seem to share some interests and they live close to each other.

 

So... what are the pitfalls of setting them up to meet each other?  My friend is interested, and I've mentioned her to my acquaintance who seems interested.  However, I have NOT mentioned that my friend is trans.  I'm totally unsure of the etiquette of this, if I should mention that before helping them meet, or leave it to my friend to tell.  I really don't want my friend to get disappointed and hurt, but I also wonder if this girl might reject the idea of meeting a trans girl...but might warm up to the idea after a meeting. 

 

I seriously don't know what to do.  I'd really love for my friend to have a dating prospect this holiday season, and possibly a life partner.  But she's been through so much I'd hate myself if I led her into a situation where she got her feelings hurt.  Advice?

[stveee]

Ya know, I think more often than not we trans people (and others) default to the position that being trans is some kind of liability when it's not.

Where I am at RN i am kind of sick of it too. 

 

I would not mention it.

Not out of fear, but because it really isn't relevant unless we make it so.

I suspect many trans have problems with finding partners and only a little bit actually having to do with being trans. 

I am saying this because since I transitioned, I have had to confront a lot of emotional hangups and it really all boils down to my own self-esteem- trans or not.

In fact, I am beginning to feel like being trans is a huge asset, and even an advantage. Someday we will be most desired as hot property. 

Until then, my experience has shown my self-confidence was probably the most appealing thing that attracts others to me. When I lose this, my relationships fail because I start to fear abandonment and self-sabotage when everything is going smoothly. I hope that my present BFF is tolerant enough, and having her own history, to see past this as I work through it but I had to realize I am my own worst enemy.

Even casual friendships take some work.

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I seriously don't know what to do.  I'd really love for my friend to have a dating prospect this holiday season, and possibly a life partner.  But she's been through so much I'd hate myself if I led her into a situation where she got her feelings hurt.  Advice?

I would definitely NOT “out” her to this potential date you’re thinking about for her. In situations like these, it’s sometimes best to let them meet first in a casual group setting with no pressure on either of them. Blind dates are hard enough and throwing the trans issue into the mix not knowing how it would go, seems a risky move, IMHO. Doing a group gathering or attending a party relieves pressure on you about whether of not it will work out between them. If they hit it off while out on the town with you and a couple other friends, they can always exchange numbers and move on from there.

 

My 2¢,

Susan R🌷

[Jamey-Heather]

Introduce them. You don't need to mention that one of them is trans. Although a LTR isn't necessarily what either is going for immediately, if they are going to have one, they have to like each other as people. Hope this makes sense 🥰

[KathyLauren]

I agree with the comments above.  The etiquette is pretty straightforward: you don't ever out someone unless they ask you to.  Just introduce them as friends who might (or might not) hit it off.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

15 hours ago, Susan R said:

Doing a group gathering or attending a party relieves pressure on you about whether of not it will work out between them.

 Thanks for the suggestion...I'm going with it.  Thanksgiving is a group event for my faith community, and anybody is invited.  My friend was already coming, since she doesn't really have family.  So...I just invited the other girl today.  Turns out that she doesn't have anywhere to be either.  😇 

 

So, tomorrow will be the big day.  I've let both parties know that the other person will attend.  But with hundreds of people, tons of food, and a number of activities... if it goes well, they'll enjoy it.  If they don't like each other, there's plenty of other stuff to do so that it won't be awkward. 

 

15 hours ago, Jamey said:

Although a LTR isn't necessarily what either is going for immediately, if they are going to have one, they have to like each other as people. Hope this makes sense 🥰

 

Thanks for the insight.  I suspect that my friend will be VERY into a LTR pretty quick.  You know the old joke about lesbians... they bring a UHaul on the second date 😆  I wasn't quite that bad when I met my GF and I was still in my girl form...but I've seen it happen.  I just hope my friend is able to resist the urge to act too rapidly on initial attraction.  I really worry she'll get heartbroken if it doesn't work out. 

[awkward-yet-sweet]

So far, it seems to have been a success.  😁  I'm not going to pry, but I noticed they spent a lot of time chatting today.  Time will tell if they create a friendship or something more.  Thanks for the advice!