What am I? Gender Questioning and Dysphoria (?)

[Keith]

Hello Trans people! I'm writing this post because I'm a little confused, and though I don't really want to admit it, I might need help.

But let's start from the beginning. I'm an AFAB teenager, and I realized that I'm definitely not cis when I was 11, back in the first half of 2020. My friend came out to me as bisexual at that time, so I decided to do a research about the LGBTQ+ community in order to support her better, (I'm not sure whether it's necessary or not, but let me add, that I already knew that I'm not straight back then. I realized it a year before that. I thought that I'm bisexual. But even though I knew about the community, and more importantly - I belonged to it, I didn't bother to learn anything about it.) and that was the first time I've met the term 'NonBinary'.

After I found out about it, I've spent days and nights reading about NonBinary struggles, coming outs and ect. That made me realize, that I somehow belonged to the community.

Because even if I could relate to girl problems more than to boy problems, I've never felt strong connection to girlhood. Everyone in my surrounding always told me that I'm too boyish to be a girl. I disliked wearing dresses, skirts, having long hair and everything that has been associated with being (or at least looking like) a girl/woman.

However due to those comments, I started questioning my connection to boyhood. Am I really so dissconected from it? After all, I've always dressed and 'acted' masculine. Nowadays I'm also able to say, that I envied boys all along. I wanted to be a boy so much, that I even went around telling people that I was supposed to be born as one - which was in fact not true, because it has been very clear that I'll be born as a girl. But that creates another question, why did I want to be born as a boy so much? Was it because I already acted like one? Or perhaps I thought that being a boy was easier? I geniuelly can't tell.

At the end I want to thank everyone who managed to read the whole thing. I'm not entirely sure what I wanted to achieve by writing that. I guess I wanted somone to help me realize what am I, which is actually kinda stupid, because I know myself (or at least I should) the best, and nobody can answer this question besides me. So, if anyone has a smiliar experience, please let me know in the comments.

PS! English is not my first language. I'm still learning it, so I hope that I made myself understood and that I didn't make a lot of grammar mistakes.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Your English is quite good.  Definitely better than my ability to speak a foreign language.  😇

 

I was born a girl, but never really felt a desire to do girl things or wear girl clothes.  I've known girls who were like that, but didn't have doubts about being a girl.  Let me ask - is it just clothing and activities that make you feel more like a boy?  Or do you have doubts about your body as well? 

 

 

[Keith]

It kind of depends on the day, if I'm being honest. But mostly yes.

[Colleen Henderson]

38 minutes ago, Keith said:

PS! English is not my first language. 

 

I would never have guessed that.  Welcome!

[Astrid]

1 hour ago, Keith said:

I know myself (or at least I should) the best, and nobody can answer this question besides me.

 

You're still very early in your identity journey.  Which is one way of saying that at this point it's appropriate to be questioning, not yet knowing yourself fully.  

 

While you will be the one working through this, others can be a real help to you, such as experienced gender therapists.  Hopefully, you'll at some time be able to take advantage of that.  It may not be for awhile, but it can be so helpful.

 

Reading as much as you can about others who seem similar to you, and hearing their stories, can also be of help.

There are also helpful sources on the Web about gender identify; one of them often recommended here is to check out Dr. Z.  She has many, many videos on many gender topics that may be of interest to you.  You can find her here:

https://www.youtube.com/@DRZPHD

 

Best wishes,

 

Astrid

 

[VickySGV]

Good to have you here @Keith, nasty old Admin that I am, I move this to the appropriate forum for you inquiry.  It is an adventure to find out exactly who and what we are.  All is good.