Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Proud and heartbroken


Mottled

Recommended Posts

I'm the proud mom of an adult trans daughter who came out 2.5 years ago. She recently completed all of her paperwork; and is already looking more confident. 

 

I'm looking to chat about unreasonable fathers! My husband does not accept our daughter. It breaks my heart; I don't understand - his rejection puts a real strain on our marriage. I feel quite lost.  

Link to comment
  • Admin

I have a great deal of compassion for all three of you.  I belong to a Transgender Chorus, and while this link is not to our rendition of this song I think this gives a good portrayal of what is going on and how it can come out.   The title of the song is Not My Father's Son from the musical Kinky Boots.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpA5uYnJ5e4

 

Your husband is angry because his "son" is not the image he dreamed of and it makes him feel like a failure and that he will be harshly judged because of how your child, now daughter is now.  Simply put, he needs to cry and see that he made some mistakes that can be put behind him without shame, and having put them behind can see that he always had a truly beautiful daughter.  He needs help to see this and to see that he can love your child/daughter the way he thought he loved a son, but that it was the idea of a son and not how life really is. He feels he has lost an important child and part of himself, but he can be loved and credited and honored with the life he gave your daughter so she could grow up and become herself.  I am older and had to wait for my father to pass away before I came out Trans, but I was not ever the son he dreamed of.  He was internationally recognized in a field of Civil Engineering, and was heavily an outdoors type.  I had been born with an out of control immune system and was not physically capable of being what he wanted me to be, and my brain just pure and simple could not do the mathematics or physical sciences he excelled at.  I knew his disappointment in that before I even knew about my gender issues which did not even have a name back then, 

You have handled your expectations that your daughter has not met by being your son, but it is not thought as shameful for a mother by most people, although there are some who feel that way about you I am sure.  You might look up the musical Carousel and the dreams of father who is killed before his daughter is born.  Your husband needs to be touched by this and supported as he does cry in all its forms. 

 

Link to comment

I think fathers in general have high expectations of their sons.  Even though my husband is straight and cis, his father has never been pleased with him.  My husband likes to joke that his father is stuck with him, since he didn't have brothers.  🙄 

 

But under that joke, I can sense a lot of pain.  My husband has completely out-achieved his father - 4 wives (plus me), a ton of kids, big house, a fleet of cars, a family business, a management career, military service, respected in the community...  He's achieved all of that by his mid-30's, at a time in life when his father hadn't even been married or owned a home.  Illogically, in spite of all those achievements, my husband feels that he doesn't measure up.  A father's criticism carries a lot of power, especially when that father continues to show up with that criticism into a person's adulthood. 

 

I've noticed that fathers tend to pass along stress and criticism because it was what they experienced themselves.  My husband recalls stories about his grandfather and great-grandfather, and he's very aware it has been a generational thing.  He's focused so hard on teaching his sons a different way, and I hope that he breaks the cycle.  My own father rejected me completely a few years ago - but since my brothers became adults in his image, I don't think he cares or misses me at all.  Since I started life as a girl, in a male-dominated family I think I was just easy to forget. 

 

In your family, I'm not sure what could change your husband's heart toward your daughter.  It could take years, or it might never happen.  Do you know what your husband's father is/was like?  Grandfather?   If there's a family pattern of difficult father-son relationships, things are less likely to change. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

First let me thank you for your support of your child. That is THE most important thing in the world. I wish I could help your husband change his current position and personally going through the strain on my marriage of 30 years in regard to my transition, I can feel the pain you must feel and hope time and healing and circumstances bring your husband around.

Hugs

 

Link to comment

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

I wish you and your daughter all the best.  Your support of her is to be commended.  Dads can be amazingly resilient, so don't give up on your husband yet.  Maybe, if he is willing to read about another father going through a very similar situation will help him.    

Link to comment
On 11/28/2022 at 11:41 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

A father's criticism carries a lot of power... 

 

My own father rejected me completely a few years ago

 

Mine did too, many years ago now. It took years for me to even wrap my head around it. Familial expectations can be incredibly burdensome. 

 

On 11/29/2022 at 9:00 AM, Sally Stone said:

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

Yes! This is an excellent book. Not just an amazing and nuanced story, but the author educates the reader by providing lots of context. 

 

Episode 2 of season 6 of Queer Eye on Netflix is also inspiring as we see transwoman Angel Flores reconcile with her father. They are of a culture which values machismo, and yet are able to connect and rekindle their relationship, now as father and daughter.

https://latinitasmagazine.org/how-the-machismo-mindset-affected-queer-eyes-angel-flores-transition/

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to TransPulseForums Mottled,

 

As you can see from the previous responses, there are so many example of how to address your husband's position. I'm proud of you for seeking help as you support your daughter.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

Hi Mottled! Welcome! Thank you for being a supportive Mom! I think time is a wonderful healer at least in the way of acceptance. It took me over 45 years of self hate, denial & hiding to come to accept me & who I am. I hope it doesn't take your husband as long to see your daughter is the wonderful person she is.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

Link to comment

Hi Mottled and welcome.  Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mother.   Your words remind me of a documentary I watched where a father described his transgender child as the unicorn of children - it brought tears to my eyes.  My parents have struggled with my transition but at least they are trying.  For me, it was my mum who was the most resistant to my need to live authentically.  One day I got so frustrated, that I told her just how much her words and actions were hurting me.  I felt horrible afterwards, but she heard my pain and has started accepting her new daughter.  They still misgender me quite frequently, but I'm sure it's not intentional so I don't get upset by it.

Link to comment

Both of my parents support me. But my dad still misgenders me. I was his son for 45 years. But he still supports me. Do not be something you are not, but do not forget who you are. My outside is starting to match my inside self. I will not stop doing what makes me happy though. I enjoy building bikes and other things. I learned skills that were not seen as skills for girls. Times are changing. 

Link to comment
  • 5 weeks later...
On 11/28/2022 at 9:41 PM, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I think fathers in general have high expectations of their sons.  Even though my husband is straight and cis, his father has never been pleased with him.  My husband likes to joke that his father is stuck with him, since he didn't have brothers.  🙄 

 

But under that joke, I can sense a lot of pain.  My husband has completely out-achieved his father - 4 wives (plus me), a ton of kids, big house, a fleet of cars, a family business, a management career, military service, respected in the community...  He's achieved all of that by his mid-30's, at a time in life when his father hadn't even been married or owned a home.  Illogically, in spite of all those achievements, my husband feels that he doesn't measure up.  A father's criticism carries a lot of power, especially when that father continues to show up with that criticism into a person's adulthood. 

 

I've noticed that fathers tend to pass along stress and criticism because it was what they experienced themselves.  My husband recalls stories about his grandfather and great-grandfather, and he's very aware it has been a generational thing.  He's focused so hard on teaching his sons a different way, and I hope that he breaks the cycle.  My own father rejected me completely a few years ago - but since my brothers became adults in his image, I don't think he cares or misses me at all.  Since I started life as a girl, in a male-dominated family I think I was just easy to forget. 

 

In your family, I'm not sure what could change your husband's heart toward your daughter.  It could take years, or it might never happen.  Do you know what your husband's father is/was like?  Grandfather?   If there's a family pattern of difficult father-son relationships, things are less likely to change. 

My husband's family seems full of difficult relationships. My mother-in-law had three strokes and was pretty cold.  My husband and his sisters are not in contact with two of their brothers. The sisters have tried to mend things with one brother that they were all 'close' to, but haven't been successful. I never met my father-in-law.

My husband does not express his feelings; although he has said he can't handle any more pain. (He himself suffers from chronic neuropathic pain, amongst other things). He's waiting for our daughter to make the first move towards reconciliation. Sigh!

Link to comment
On 11/29/2022 at 7:00 AM, Sally Stone said:

I had the great pleasure of meeting a gentleman named Wayne Maines who has a transgender daughter named Nicole.  There is a book about she and her family titled "Becoming Nicole."  Wayne struggled to understand Nicole the same way your husband is struggling now.  The great news is that Mister Maines eventually came around and actually became a staunch advocate for Nicole as she transitioned.  This true story shows that there is hope, even when the situation looks bleak.  Perhaps you can somehow get your husband to read about Wayne Maines.

 

I wish you and your daughter all the best.  Your support of her is to be commended.  Dads can be amazingly resilient, so don't give up on your husband yet.  Maybe, if he is willing to read about another father going through a very similar situation will help him.    

I will definitely read this. Thank you for your support.

Link to comment
On 11/30/2022 at 9:32 AM, Vidanjali said:

 

Mine did too, many years ago now. It took years for me to even wrap my head around it. Familial expectations can be incredibly burdensome. 

 

 

Yes! This is an excellent book. Not just an amazing and nuanced story, but the author educates the reader by providing lots of context. 

 

Episode 2 of season 6 of Queer Eye on Netflix is also inspiring as we see transwoman Angel Flores reconcile with her father. They are of a culture which values machismo, and yet are able to connect and rekindle their relationship, now as father and daughter.

https://latinitasmagazine.org/how-the-machismo-mindset-affected-queer-eyes-angel-flores-transition/

Will do. Thanks.

Link to comment
On 11/30/2022 at 6:53 PM, Delcina B said:

Hi Mottled! Welcome! Thank you for being a supportive Mom! I think time is a wonderful healer at least in the way of acceptance. It took me over 45 years of self hate, denial & hiding to come to accept me & who I am. I hope it doesn't take your husband as long to see your daughter is the wonderful person she is.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

Thank you for the reminder that time is a healer. I have to try to be patient. 

On 11/30/2022 at 9:51 AM, Mmindy said:

Welcome to TransPulseForums Mottled,

 

As you can see from the previous responses, there are so many example of how to address your husband's position. I'm proud of you for seeking help as you support your daughter.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

:)

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 98 Guests (See full list)

    • Pip
    • Karen Carey
    • April Marie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,015
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Quillian
    Newest Member
    Quillian
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Bowie Ellis
      Bowie Ellis
      (19 years old)
    2. Damien Mcknight
      Damien Mcknight
      (18 years old)
    3. JJ
      JJ
      (77 years old)
    4. KathyLauren
      KathyLauren
      (70 years old)
    5. memyselfandwe
      memyselfandwe
      (44 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Loving this woman I am becoming.
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!! I was up early again - already on my third cup of coffee having walked/fed the dog and read the local paper.   We have a birthday party for a friend to go to this afternoon but no real plans otherwise.   I hope to be able to attend tonight's TGP Zoom session. It's been weeks since I've been able to participate with the illness/loss of our dog, two horrible colds in succession and our trip to chase the solar eclipse.   Have a wonderful day and look for the goodness in it.
    • April Marie
      I think we tend to be overly critical of our looks, whether we're trying to express ourselves as masculine, feminine or anywhere along the gender spectrum. For me, I use photos as a way to track my progress, to help me find my style and look and to help me find ways to improve myself in posture, looks, make-up, style......   I didn't really think about our FB avatar being public but then realized that when people search they do see it.   Since I'm not out to anyone but my wife, therapist, priest and people here, my FB page remains "that guy." I have created a Bitmoji that is relatively androgynous moving slowly towards the feminine. Long gray hair, earrings, softer features...I'm transitioning it along with myself. :-)
    • April Marie
      I so very much enjoy your posts. This one, though, hit home with me for many reasons. I was commissioned in the Army in '77, as well. Like you, I was not overly masculine in the way that many of our contemporaries were. I (still do) cried at weddings, pictures of puppies and babies, when I talked about bring proud of what my units accomplished and was never the Type A leader. In the end, it worked for me and I had a successful career.   This is, of course, your story not mine so I won't detail my struggle. It just took me much longer to understand what the underlying cause of my feelings was and even more to admit it. To act on it.    Thank you for sharing your story, Sally.
    • Sally Stone
      Post 6 “The Military Career Years” In 1977 I joined the Army and went to flight school to become a helicopter pilot.  To fly for the military had been a childhood dream and when the opportunity arose, I took advantage of it, despite knowing I would have to carefully control my crossdressing activity.  At the time, military aviation was male dominated and a haven for Type A personalities and excessive testosterone.  I had always been competitive but my personality was not typically Type A.  And while I could never be considered effeminate, I wasn’t overtly masculine either.  Consequently, I had little trouble hiding the part of my personality that leaned towards the feminine side.    However, serving in the Army limited my opportunities for feminine self-expression.  During this period, I learned that being unable to express my feminine nature regularly, led to frustration and unhappiness.  I managed these feelings by crossdressing and underdressing whenever I could.  Underdressing has never been very fulfilling for me, but while I was in the Army it was a coping mechanism.  I only cross-dressed in private and occasionally my wife would take me out for a late-night drive.  Those drives were still quite private, but being out of the house was clearly therapeutic.    I told myself I was coping, but when it became apparent the Army was going to be a career, the occasional and closeted feminine expression was clearly inadequate.  I needed more girl time and I wanted to share my feminine side with the rest of the world, so the frustration and unhappiness grew.  Despite my feelings regarding feminine self-expression, I loved flying, so I wasn’t willing to give up my military career.  Consequently, I resigned myself to the fact that the female half of my personality needed to take a back seat, and what helped me through, was dreaming of military retirement, and finally having the ability to let Sally blossom.   About Sally. Ironically, she was born while I was still serving.  It was Halloween and my wife and I were hosting a unit party.  I looked upon the occasion as the perfect excuse to dress like a girl.  After a little trepidation, my wife agreed I should take advantage of the opportunity.  Back then, my transformations were not very good, but with my wife’s help, my Halloween costume looked quite authentic.  Originally, my wife suggested that my presentation should be caricature to prevent anyone from seeing through my costume.  But that didn’t appeal to me at all.  I wanted to look as feminine and ladylike as I could.   To my wife’s and my amazement, my costume was the hit of the party.  In fact, later in the evening, my unit buddies decided they wanted to take me out drinking and before either me or my wife could protest, I was whisked away and taken to one of our favorite watering holes.  Terrified at first, I had an amazing time, we all did.  But on Monday morning, when I came to work, I learned that I had a new nickname; it was Sally, and for the duration of that tour, that’s what I was called.  Well, when it came time for me to choose a feminine name, there weren’t any other choices.  Sally it was, and to this day I adore the name, and thank my pilot buddies for choosing it.   And this brings me to my last assignment before retiring.  I was teaching military science in an Army ROTC program at Mercer University in Macon, Georgia.  I had been a member of TRIESS (a nationwide crossdressing support group).  I wasn’t really an active participant but when we moved to Georgia, I learned there was a local chapter in Atlanta.  I reached out to the membership chair person, and joined.   Because the chapter meetings took place in Atlanta, a trans friendly city, and because Atlanta was so far from Macon and any of my military connections, I felt it would be safe to let my feminine hair down.  The monthly meetings took place in the Westin Hotel and Conference Center in Buckhead, an upscale northern Atlanta suburb, and the hotel itself was 4-star.  The meetings were weekend affairs with lots of great activities that allowed me to express myself in a public setting for the first time.  It was during this time, that Sally began to blossom.   I have the fondest memories of Sigma Epsilon (the name of our chapter in Atlanta).  Because the hotel was also a conference center, there was always some big event, and in many cases, there were several.  One weekend there was a nail technician conference that culminated in a contest on Saturday evening.  When the organizers learned there was a huge group of crossdressers staying at the hotel, they reached out to us looking for manicure volunteers.  I volunteered and got a beautiful set of long red fingernails that I wore for the duration of the weekend.   During another of our meeting weekends, there was a huge military wedding taking place, and imagine what we were all thinking when we learned it was a Marine wedding.  Our entire group was on edge worrying we might have to keep a low profile.  It turned out to be one of the most memorable weekends I would experience there.  First off, the Marines were all perfect gentlemen.  On Friday night and throughout the day on Saturday before the wedding, we rubbed elbows with most of them and their wives in and around the hotel, and at the hotel bar.  In fact, we got along so well the bride invited us to the reception.  Somewhere, there is a picture of me with a handsomely dressed Marine draped on each of my arms, standing in the lobby of the hotel.  Sadly, I never got a copy of it because the woman who took the picture used a film camera (yes, they actually took picture that way in ancient times).    My two-years with Sigma Epsilon was the perfect transition.  I went from being fully closeted to being mostly out.  I enhanced my feminine presentation and significantly reduced my social anxiety.  It also signified the end of one life and the beginning of another.  I had a great career and never regretted serving, but I was ready to shed the restrictions 20-years of Army service had imposed on my feminine self-expression.  My new life, Sally’s life, was about to begin, and with it I would begin to fully spread a new set of wings, this time feminine wings.    Hugs, Sally
    • Sally Stone
      Ashley, for a very long time she clung to the term crossdresser, because for her it was less threatening.  Over the years, though, she has come to recognize and acknowledge that I have a strong feminine side.  And like me, she now has a much better understanding of where my transgender journey is going, so me being bigender, isn't the threat she might have perceived it as, years ago. 
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://apnews.com/article/title-ix-sexual-assault-transgender-sports-d0fc0ab7515de02b8e4403d0481dc1e7   The revised regulations don't touch on trans athletes; which I totally understand, as that's become a third rail issue and this is an election year.  But the other changes seem pretty sensible, and will obviously result in immediate right wing lawsuits.   Carolyn Marie
    • missyjo
      darling you have wonderful taste..I especially love the red dress n sneaker outfit   enjoy   missy
    • Carolyn Marie
      Very well said, @Abigail Genevieve, and very true.  Thank you.   Carolyn Marie
    • Susan R
      Trans Group Zoom Meeting Tomorrow!!   Trans Group Zoom Meeting Times: April 20, 2024 6:00 PM Pacific Time April 20, 2024 8:00 PM Central Time April 21, 2024 11:00 AM Australia/Melbourne   Message me for the meeting link if you’d like to attend.   *Hugs* Susan R🌷
    • Susan R
      They may win a few battles but not the war! as @Davie pointed out there is little truth if it full of lies, inconsistencies, and ignores evidence to the contrary. I saw this article earlier and have to agree here. Truth will win. This isn’t the first time this tactic has been tried. Always stick with the truth!
    • Susan R
      Welcome @violet r! Glad you joined our forum and got through the hardest part…that first post. As many have mentioned, we are more than accepting here as we affirm your gender identity and hold no judgement, whatsoever. There’s so much here on this forum, I think you’ll find very helpful. If you have trouble finding an answer just reach out, try the search but starting a new thread is usually best to get some quick answers. Many are here for various transgender related issues but many, if not all, are here to help one another if we can. It’s great to have you onboard.   Warmest Regards, Susan R🌷
    • Willow
      good evening   good day at work today.  I did do some things a little out of normal but everything was completed successfully.  As I said earlier, the Asst Mgr was my second today.  I don’t think she was too happy about that.  Several customers asked her where Richard was her answer was the manager cut his hours.  Well that is only part of the story,  his hours were cut just like mine were and several others but in his case he made demands about his hours that couldn’t be met.  But instead of making some non complaining remark about it she made sure to lay it all on the manager, thus throwing the manager under the bus.  Similarly when asked why she hadn’t been at work early mornings, she said she was being punished by the manager.  Well that’s partly true, she wouldn’t do what the manager told her to do so she took her off opening.  But secondarily she didn’t have a car to drive temporarily.  You can’t open the store without a car because who ever opens has tasks that require them to leave the store, so it was  at least partly her own fault.  But she chose to throw the manager under the bus for that.  I think she is asking to be fired for insubordination.  And if the manager gets these conversations off the security tape tomorrow she just might get her wish.   im pretty close to being ready to take the asst position but there isn’t anyone ready to take over my job, at least not at our store.  I suppose the other shift lead could if she is able to work earlier shifts and if the other closers were just a bit more reliable.   Ive been wanting some homefried chicken.  We found a BBQ place not far away that had such a chicken but I is made fresh when ordered so it has a 30 minute wait.  It was worth the wait and the other things we tried were also good.  Another restaurant on the list.  At least half of what we ordered came home for another meal.   i get to sleep in tomorrow, I go to work at 1:30!   Willow
    • Abigail Genevieve
      It was nine thirty.  Saturday morning had rolled around more quickly than Taylor could believe.  She groaned, whined, thought of a million excuses why she should just stay in bed and knock the alarm across the room.  But it would still be going on, and so would the promise to Bob: when the gi came in, she would be in. There it was in its nice package, out where she could not miss it.  Why didn't she hide it?  She shook her head.   Up she got.  Sometimes you just do.  Her hair was a wreck. She patted it down and went to the bathroom.  Nine forty five. Shower later. No make up. She hated kara-tay especially at an ungodly early hour on a Saturday morning. Bagel. Instant coffee.  She was five minutes away when she realized she had forgotten the gi.  Back she went.   Into the dojo.  She had about five minutes to get the gi on.  She attempted to slip in unnoticed and go to the little restroom. Someone barked something out in Japanese or something, and there was a dead silence.  She turned to see what was going on. Both classes were getting into their lines, but everyone, including Bob, was bowing slightly. To her. Bob nodded, and she returned the bow.  Life started again. She was touched.   Bowing three times. Oath. Kata.  She was facing off with Judy as her partner.  Judy looked worried.   "Sometimes you just gotta pick yourself up and try again," Taylor told her. She nodded. "Let's do this."   Lunge punch and lower block.  They traded off like nothing had happened the last weekend.  Lunge punch and middle block. Lunge punch and upper block.  It was kind of like dancing. Taylor enjoyed it.  She wanted to learn more.  Brown-belt Maggie adjusted position of limbs and hips for both Taylor and Judy, telling them when she was about to do something: elbow up a bit".    "How'd you do?" Bob asked her later.  They had both gone home and showered. Now they were in a booth at a fast food place.   "I was kind of disappointed class ended. I was ready for more."   "That's my trooper."   "I'm not allowing you in my apartment until we are married," she said suddenly.   "You think I am a problem?"   "No.  I think you are safe. You passed the test  I am the problem here."   "Okay."   "What did the doctor tell you?"   "It's complicated.  More tests coming.  Like getting into college.  I got a letter back.  It seems there is this big fat M on my transcript and my current picture is not an M type picture.  I have to write a letter and send them notarized proofs and stuff. Just delays. This is a pain. Nothing cut and dried."   "I will say.  I'm glad I'm not transgender."   "Hah. You are pulled into my world.  You are involved in this stuff as much as I am, and, as you put it, of your own free will."   "You are worth it."   "I hope so."   "I know so."      
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...