Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Is that me?


lillyinmn

Recommended Posts

I am new here and don't know where to start, but I am curious how others have experienced something I noticed over the past couple days.

 

I recently added everything up: my past, my feelings and what is going on in my head to name a few factors, and I figured out that I am probably trans and that I have experienced gender dysphoria through much of my life.  I have been discussing it with a therapist and have been experimenting with new forms of gender expression (which I do not wish to call crossdressing, but ok, some would call it that).  That experimentation is about trying on and feeling a new identity.  

 

I have been accumulating a small number of things, and never before have I had everything I need to dress as a women--to the point where I might consider going out--if I were out.  This week I got a wig.  The attendant sent me home with the wrong one, but I love it and am thankful for her mistake!  Anyway, I put on my makeup, and my new wig and got dressed.  Then I took a bunch of photos in several combinations of the small number of pieces I have.

 

When I looked at the photos, I found myself thinking "I can't believe I bought a top with horizontal stripes!"  And "Yes that outfit needs a belt around the waist, but not that one." 

 

It felt so good to transform myself like that.  Then when I looked at the photos I also found myself thinking "is that me?"  For one thing, I look totally different from the first set of photos--and I think I am starting to figure out some styles I like.  

 

Then I look again and think "Is that me?  I think I like Lilly and her smile.  I might even want to strike up a conversation with her at a party.

 

Yet still I wonder "Is that me?"

 

Did others experience this at first?

 

---Lilly

Link to comment

The change you are looking is related to a core aspect of your life.  I don't think any cisgender people could understand what people go through when they start questioning their gender.  During my journey toward full acceptance, there were many periods of questioning.  Living authentically and ensuring that HRT was affirming for me were critical components of my acceptance.  I couldn't be absolutely certain until I had sufficient experience.  The only point during my journey when I thought about turning back was when my soul mate implied that they would leave me if I didn't consider the situation they were in.  We came to mutual agreement on the pace of my transition (slowing down) and our relationship is better than ever now.

Link to comment

Before I realized I'm trans, there was a long period of my life when I was on a mission to perform the gender I was assigned at birth (which was female) because I thought if I just committed and tried hard enough that I would be a "success" whatever that means. I would often stare at myself in the mirror, baffled at how anyone would be convinced I'm a normal woman. I never saw a woman when I looked in the mirror, I always felt like an imposter, and I was terrified that others would find out and condemn me. So, my "is that me" experience is like the flip side of what you're describing, @lillyinmn - I was never convinced that my gender-performing-self was really pulling it off. Now, I look in the mirror and begin to accept that I've always seen a dynamic, handsome face. And, it's baffling to me when others address me as ma'am.

 

As I write this, it's interesting to me that it seems my gender dysphoria apparently was more internalized than it is now. Any progress is better than none. 

 

And @Trans22 is quite right that cis people don't understand this. Yesterday, I was talking with a transwoman friend about cispeople's reactions to transgender identities. She suggested that part of why some cispeople get so upset about trans is because when they consider the existence of trans identities, they necessarily experience some degree of gender dysphoria themselves in the sense that they are forced to ponder gender at all whereas, as cispeople, they perhaps never did before. And they don't like it. And they don't consider that that discomfort could be a conduit to compassion for what many transpeople live with every day. Instead, they reject the discomfort and transpeople along with it. Sorry, I've gotten a bit off topic perhaps. My point is that gender euphoria and dysphoria can be useful guide posts in the pursuit of "is that me". 

Link to comment

@Vidanjali  It would be interesting to have every adult complete a well-designed gender coordinates test - the right winger would no doubt reject the validity of the assessment because their results would scare them.  I did one such test  and my result was 35% on the masculine scale and 90% on the feminine scale, yet I still felt that trans-woman was the gender identity label that I associated with (I did consider non-binary).   I'm almost certain that my results would have varied over the course of my life, but I doubt that the masculine number ever come close to being dominant.

Link to comment
On 12/17/2022 at 3:32 PM, lillyinmn said:

experimenting with new forms of gender expression (which I do not wish to call crossdressing, but ok, some would call it that)

It was after years of denial when I finally got the nerve to try this that I realize it.   I tried to call it cross-dressing, but that didn't last long.

On 12/17/2022 at 3:32 PM, lillyinmn said:

This week I got a wig.

This too.  I had been using all kinds of ways to cover my lack of hair.  But when I saw myself in my wig, it was like a new world had opened.  

Link to comment
19 hours ago, Trans22 said:

@Vidanjali  It would be interesting to have every adult complete a well-designed gender coordinates test - the right winger would no doubt reject the validity of the assessment because their results would scare them.  I did one such test  and my result was 35% on the masculine scale and 90% on the feminine scale, yet I still felt that trans-woman was the gender identity label that I associated with (I did consider non-binary).   I'm almost certain that my results would have varied over the course of my life, but I doubt that the masculine number ever come close to being dominant.

 

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory. As I understand the scoring, each category, feminine and masculine, is ranked from 1-7. If an individual sores above the mean of 4 for both categories, they are considered androgynous according to the assessment. The results can be presented as percentages for each category and are not considered as a total percentage. 

 

My score for feminine was within the mean, and my score for masculine was "high". This assessment ranked me overall as "casually masculine". Such assessments are not to be construed as perfectly accurate or indelible. Indeed, we are continually learning about gender, and the understanding of so-called gender roles and characteristics are ever-evolving, myriad, and nuanced. I do feel my personality is rather in accord with my result, though. 

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/test.php

Link to comment
35 minutes ago, Vidanjali said:

 

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory. As I understand the scoring, each category, feminine and masculine, is ranked from 1-7. If an individual sores above the mean of 4 for both categories, they are considered androgynous according to the assessment. The results can be presented as percentages for each category and are not considered as a total percentage. 

 

My score for feminine was within the mean, and my score for masculine was "high". This assessment ranked me overall as "casually masculine". Such assessments are not to be construed as perfectly accurate or indelible. Indeed, we are continually learning about gender, and the understanding of so-called gender roles and characteristics are ever-evolving, myriad, and nuanced. I do feel my personality is rather in accord with my result, though. 

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/test.php

Thanks @Vidanjali I'll check out the test. For me it's good tp pay attention to the inner mind on these things. And be open to the world, too. I've still got a lot to learn. Finally, I can walk again. Walk and breathe and "be." Happy for that.  

Link to comment

I tried this one @Vidanjali, and got similar scores to my "gender coordinates map" result.  I took an "insta-answer" approach to try to avoid my gaming the test (finished in under 20s).

I have the same problem with Myers-Briggs personality tests (part of coaching sessions) - my first result came back as INTP, (low E, S, & J scores with T & F scores very close).  In the subsequent two tests (different coach and questions) I've get a score of 0 for E, S, & J and identical scores for T & F - a little suspicious, I might have gamed them.  As a result, I tend to trust the first score in situations like these.

GenderRoleTest.png

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

At first I was confused about 35% & 90% as the total is over 100%. But, out of curiosity, I took the assessment linked below which is based on the Bem Sex Role Inventory.

I got similar results.

 

Result chart

Link to comment

Meh. Not thrilled with the test. The wording is too vague, and I'm certainly NOT a Casually Vague person. I mean there's no way I'm any amount of feminine under about 72.3%! 😆

To consider the whole gender idea is not science, but it is a good idea for self-knowledge.

 

Here's my results:

This makes me Casually Feminine.

Masculine.png.ab5a02a54f054290f1492df2a4f3945c.png

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Huh, well this should shock absolutely nobody. I got "typically feminine."

 

Result chart

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
18 hours ago, Trans22 said:

I tried this one @Vidanjali, and got similar scores to my "gender coordinates map" result.  I took an "insta-answer" approach to try to avoid my gaming the test (finished in under 20s).

I have the same problem with Myers-Briggs personality tests (part of coaching sessions) - my first result came back as INTP, (low E, S, & J scores with T & F scores very close).  In the subsequent two tests (different coach and questions) I've get a score of 0 for E, S, & J and identical scores for T & F - a little suspicious, I might have gamed them.  As a result, I tend to trust the first score in situations like these.

GenderRoleTest.png

 

I totally get what you mean by gaming it. For that reason I try to answer such questions gut instinct style without pondering too much, but I try to catch myself on any tendency to answer in a wishful thinking manner. It's not as straightforward to answer questions honestly as one may at first think. 

 

Just for fun, I re-took the test twice to see if I could game extreme results. First, I tried to get "extremely masculine", which I did, with an interesting result of 94% masc & 6% femme - interesting as those coincidentally do total 100%. I think I blew it on the "moody" question - in my experience I've found men to be far moodier than women, lol. Then, I succeeded in scoring "extremely feminine" with 0% masc, but only 89% femme. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Davie said:

@Jackie C.OK for the numbers from the test, but I would never settle for being called "typical." Ain't that right?

— Davie

 

OK, fair. I mean, I'm not a typical anything.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

Just for fun, I re-took the test twice to see if I could game extreme results.

These sort of tests are fun to play with.  Out of interest (is it binary gender biased?), I wondered whether I could get undifferentiated or androgynous - it turns out I got both in my attempt "This makes you Undifferentiated-Androgynous" (no typically or casually adjective).

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Trans22 said:

These sort of tests are fun to play with.  Out of interest (is it binary gender biased?), I wondered whether I could get undifferentiated or androgynous - it turns out I got both in my attempt "This makes you Undifferentiated-Androgynous" (no typically or casually adjective).

 

Nice. Indeed, from the little I read, it was Dr. Bem's thesis that androgyneity (gender diversity, nonconformance and fluidity) is not only valid but not necessarily uncommon. She was a pioneer in gender studies and champion for women's equality. 

 

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandra_Bem

Link to comment

Hi @lillyinmn!

Welcome and CONGRATULATIONS on your journey in Self-discovery and Self-acceptance.  It sounds so much like my own experiences at the beginning (and I still have along ways to go). 

Thank you for sharing!  I truly enjoyed reading your post and reliving my own excitement and wonder in finally seeing myself as the person I feel that I am.  Keep going, Girl❣️

Link to comment
On 12/24/2022 at 6:47 AM, KayC said:

Welcome and CONGRATULATIONS on your journey in Self-discovery and Self-acceptance.  It sounds so much like my own experiences at the beginning (and I still have along ways to go)

Thank you Kay!  It is wonderful to have a place where we can safely share your experiences and find ways to be ourselves!

 

Link to comment
  • 10 months later...

Ok. So just saw this thread and thought I'd take the test as I was having doubts today.

 

Here are my results:

 

https://www.idrlabs.com/gender/14/86/vertical-chart.png

Link to comment
13 hours ago, LillyF said:

vertical-chart.png

 

With picture this time lol

 

Yes, this is a fun thread which I hadn't thought of in a while. Thanks for resurfacing it 😉

Link to comment

I just saw this test the other day and retook it for fun just now. If I’m honest with how my personality has changed, using “now me” answers I get 33/58. I am surprised daily how much I have changed in the past year and I haven’t started any kind of hormone treatment. I had a conversation with my wife today that, in years past, I’d have gotten really protective and blustery  during. Today I just listened and appreciated. It sounds like I was a total jerk before, I don’t think I was; I was more prototypically overprotective wanted to “fix it”.

 

Bodies and minds are wondrous things. 

Link to comment
7 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Today I just listened and appreciated. It sounds like I was a total jerk before, I don’t think I was; I was more prototypically overprotective wanted to “fix it”.

Yep. Sounds like me, too. Change is good for adding a perspective. We have two eyes for a good reason, I suppose. —Davie

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   10 Members, 0 Anonymous, 126 Guests (See full list)

    • Karen Carey
    • VickySGV
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • April Marie
    • Jet McCartney
    • Birdie
    • MaeBe
    • Ashley0616
    • Chloe Summer
    • Adrianna Danielle
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,024
    • Most Online
      8,356

    JamesyGreen
    Newest Member
    JamesyGreen
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • MaeBe
      Two words(?): Project 2025   Please provide links to the "political calculus" referred to, I'd be interested to know where this is coming from. It seems odd that anyone would be advocating to vote in a President that has stated that he will try to use the federal government to go after LGBTQ+ people because voting back Biden, that is not doing that, might cause some state legislatures to put forth more discriminatory laws.   LGBTQ+ people are not safe in a MAGA future.
    • Ashley0616
      It's awesome that you have had such a great friend in your life! I could only imagine what losing felt like to you. It's neat that you worked for the airlines. Did you take advantage of the space availability fights? My dad worked for Northwest and always flew every single summer except one where we drove from north Mississippi to Phoenix, AZ. My parents agreed to never do that again lol. 
    • Ashley0616
      The trans community won't be good under Trump at all. Biden is the one who has done more for the trans community than any other presidents. Last time Trump was in office he was at an LGBTQ rally and his support went quickly away from us because the majority of the voters are anti trans. He is going to get rid of our rights and also come after the rest of LGBTQ.  I don't know where you heard we would be better under Trump.    Trump unveils sweeping attack on trans rights ahead of 2024 (axios.com)   Trump Promises to Go After Trans People if Re-Elected (vice.com)   Trump promises to ban transgender women from sports if re-elected (nbcnews.com)
    • Sally Stone
      Post 7 “The Pittsburgh Years” When I retired from the Army, we moved to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania because I had been hired by US Airways to work in their flight training department.  The transition to civilian life was a bit of an adjustment, but I never really looked back.  At the same time, I was excited at the prospect of having more Sally time. But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I agree.  But sometimes unethical conduct must still be legal, because the cure would be worse than the disease.  One problem we have today with the internet is the trolls can gang up on someone and destroy them - we see the with school bullying as well.   He was in the Southern Baptist Convention, and maybe he should have moved his church over to say the American Baptists, who might have been able to help him. A Southern Baptist pastor is king in his church, peerless, which means he could not have gone for help in his church.  And he could not have gone for help from any other pastor in the SBC because they likely affirm the SBC statements on these matters.  I think he was stuck.    I read this when it came out in the news.  Very sad situation.  
    • Carolyn Marie
      One organization that I know of that is dedicated to assisting LGBT seniors is SAGE.  They advocate for, and have services for, all LGBT folks, not just trans folk.  You can find their website Here.  I am not sure what, if anything, they have in terms of financial assistance.  I'll let you know if I find anything else.   Carolyn Marie
    • Davie
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...