What got you over the hump?

[Fly2188]

What got you over the final hump and made you decide to transition?

 

• I spoon my wife every night. And every night it makes me wish I had my own boobs. That my own breast  were pressed against her back. Let’s be honest, I want my own breast almost every minute of every day. Big, small, I don’t care. I just want them. I want to need to wear a bra. I want a good selection of styles/colors in my size. 
• I’m jealous of every woman I see (in public, in movies, on TV, etc). Not some. Not most. All. I want her body, her clothes, her sense of style, her jewelry, her swimsuits. 
• I hate my penis. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy masturbation - as long as I can daydream about not having it. My wife talks of me getting a vasectomy. I just want the whole package gone. Leggings and pants would fit so much better. 
• Don’t get me started on hair. I have too much on my body, too much on my head, and not enough on my head. That hairline would make transitioning miserable. 
• I wish I could take estrogen. I want the physical body changes. I want the emotional changes. I want the mental changes. But there are still some scary side effects. Any my wife would see the prescription, well that and the side effects. Maybe I could try DIY to avoid my wife seeing the prescription. No that’s a stupid idea. Either commit or don’t. Don’t mess with your health without a doctor’s supervision. 
• porn - does anyone else wish they were the woman? Wish they were the one wearing wearing the lingerie? Wish they were…. Well let’s just stop there.

 

• I would make a hideous woman. 
• people hate the trans community. 
• my wife.
• my family.
• my life 

 

I’m sure there’s more that I could come up with. But the idea won’t leave my head. It has come on and off for years. For the past 9 months I just won’t leave. I’m on my 3rd therapist. The first 2 left for unknown reasons. The third I’ve talked through other issues with, but never talked about this one.

 

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe validation. Maybe encouragement. Maybe others to commiserate with. 

[VickySGV]

My first question back to you here, Do you have a Therapist who deals with Gender Therapy??  If you DO NOT I would recommend finding one as soon as you can.  A good source of information on getting a Therapist is going to by your local LGBTQ Center, or even your own HMO in some areas.  Therapy will help you find safe and effective outlets for your feeling  that will reduce the anxiety you are expressing here.  The LGBTQ Center is also a hub for social interaction with other Trans people and will have programs where you and your family members can communicate about the special issues you have. 

 

In my case (I hope not yours) the hump was beginning recovery for an Alcohol Abuse / Addiction (darn near fatal) Problem where one of my counselors did do Gender Therapy, and where coming out to a group of other hard core addicts helped both them and myself to realize what it would take to become honest and healthy.    That was over 14 years ago.

[Trans22]

I started transitioning in the privacy of my own home and with each passing day it became more difficult to appear as a man.  About a year after I first starting dressing as a woman every night, appearing as a man become so depressing that I saw living authentically as the only survivable way forward.  I started off by advising people at work (e.g., HR) of my intention to transition sometime within the next 2 years.  I suppose that this was the first "hump" for me, because it was only a week or two later, I started coming out to people I work with and living authentically.  There was a second, more scary for me, "hump" - HRT.   I suffered anxiety big-time before starting HRT - my anxiety was related to my thoughts that I wouldn't be allowed to start HRT (I was too old, I wasn't trans enough, etc.).