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What got you over the hump?


Fly2188

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What got you over the final hump and made you decide to transition?

 

  • I spoon my wife every night. And every night it makes me wish I had my own boobs. That my own breast  were pressed against her back. Let’s be honest, I want my own breast almost every minute of every day. Big, small, I don’t care. I just want them. I want to need to wear a bra. I want a good selection of styles/colors in my size. 
  • I’m jealous of every woman I see (in public, in movies, on TV, etc). Not some. Not most. All. I want her body, her clothes, her sense of style, her jewelry, her swimsuits. 
  • I hate my penis. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy masturbation - as long as I can daydream about not having it. My wife talks of me getting a vasectomy. I just want the whole package gone. Leggings and pants would fit so much better. 
  • Don’t get me started on hair. I have too much on my body, too much on my head, and not enough on my head. That hairline would make transitioning miserable. 
  • I wish I could take estrogen. I want the physical body changes. I want the emotional changes. I want the mental changes. But there are still some scary side effects. Any my wife would see the prescription, well that and the side effects. Maybe I could try DIY to avoid my wife seeing the prescription. No that’s a stupid idea. Either commit or don’t. Don’t mess with your health without a doctor’s supervision. 
  • porn - does anyone else wish they were the woman? Wish they were the one wearing wearing the lingerie? Wish they were…. Well let’s just stop there.

 

  • I would make a hideous woman. 
  • people hate the trans community. 
  • my wife.
  • my family.
  • my life 

 

I’m sure there’s more that I could come up with. But the idea won’t leave my head. It has come on and off for years. For the past 9 months I just won’t leave. I’m on my 3rd therapist. The first 2 left for unknown reasons. The third I’ve talked through other issues with, but never talked about this one.

 

I don’t know what I’m looking for. Maybe validation. Maybe encouragement. Maybe others to commiserate with. 

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  • Admin

My first question back to you here, Do you have a Therapist who deals with Gender Therapy??  If you DO NOT I would recommend finding one as soon as you can.  A good source of information on getting a Therapist is going to by your local LGBTQ Center, or even your own HMO in some areas.  Therapy will help you find safe and effective outlets for your feeling  that will reduce the anxiety you are expressing here.  The LGBTQ Center is also a hub for social interaction with other Trans people and will have programs where you and your family members can communicate about the special issues you have. 

 

In my case (I hope not yours) the hump was beginning recovery for an Alcohol Abuse / Addiction (darn near fatal) Problem where one of my counselors did do Gender Therapy, and where coming out to a group of other hard core addicts helped both them and myself to realize what it would take to become honest and healthy.    That was over 14 years ago.

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I started transitioning in the privacy of my own home and with each passing day it became more difficult to appear as a man.  About a year after I first starting dressing as a woman every night, appearing as a man become so depressing that I saw living authentically as the only survivable way forward.  I started off by advising people at work (e.g., HR) of my intention to transition sometime within the next 2 years.  I suppose that this was the first "hump" for me, because it was only a week or two later, I started coming out to people I work with and living authentically.  There was a second, more scary for me, "hump" - HRT.   I suffered anxiety big-time before starting HRT - my anxiety was related to my thoughts that I wouldn't be allowed to start HRT (I was too old, I wasn't trans enough, etc.).

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    • missyjo
      thank you dear. I'm constantly working at adjusting n writing off other people's judgment or input.   thank you n good luck
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Them's fighting words, but I intend to discuss this respectfully, calmly and so forth, in accordance with the forum rules.   Considering the one issue below in isolation:   There is a political calculus that trans folk may be better off under Trump than under Biden.  The argument goes that Biden has created such a backlash by moving so far to the left that red states, in particular, are reacting with a swarm of laws that negatively impact trans folk.  Some of his actions strike many people as clumsily forcing unwanted regulation on people, and some of his appointments, such as the luggage stealing bigender individual, have not helped advance trans folk but rather the reverse.  In a second term Biden would make things worse for trans folk because of the backlash and resentment his policies would create.    Trump likely would have negative impacts to trans folk, as he did in his first term with respect to the military, so it is a set of tradeoffs as to which is worse.   Thoughts?
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Can you dress androgynously? 
    • Ashley0616
    • Abigail Genevieve
      There are trans folk who pass better than some cis people.  People usually aren't on the lookout for those who are cross dressed.  As long as there are no multiple screaming signals and you don't draw attention to yourself you can probably pass better than you think. For example, if you walk into a bank in heels, however, and you DON'T know how to walk in heels, you will attract the attention of a security guard, especially if you are acting nervous. If you wear flats and just go to the bank and do your business like anyone else, it is likely no one will notice, except that there was a customer who was taller than most women are, but then there are tall women, and tall, broad shouldered woman.  I made the mistake years ago of thinking I had outed such, and knew she was a he.  Later I learned she had five kids, and her husband was bigger than she was.  Ooops.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I don't know much about CNAs.  They report to an RN, right?  Can you somehow bring this up to the RN in a way that does not get your CNA mad at you? I'm not saying you should, but maybe that is a good course of action.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.
    • Birdie
      Yes, my brother was born lactating due to absorbing hormones from my mum.    Of course she isn't a nurse, she is a CNA. She should however still have general medical knowledge.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I agree.  But sometimes unethical conduct must still be legal, because the cure would be worse than the disease.  One problem we have today with the internet is the trolls can gang up on someone and destroy them - we see the with school bullying as well.   He was in the Southern Baptist Convention, and maybe he should have moved his church over to say the American Baptists, who might have been able to help him. A Southern Baptist pastor is king in his church, peerless, which means he could not have gone for help in his church.  And he could not have gone for help from any other pastor in the SBC because they likely affirm the SBC statements on these matters.  I think he was stuck.    I read this when it came out in the news.  Very sad situation.  
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    • VickySGV
      This was an angle that I was very suspicious of as well, and may be the hook on which the settlement was hung.      Not at all strange especially if they had former patients who moved there that still owed money on their bills or they were buying hospital supplies from a Texas corporation. They may have business licenses in other states as well.  Small loss, but saxeT shot itself in the foot there since the license was a source of income to the state. 
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Nah it's fine, I'm past the point of really blaming them most of the time. I've gotten used to it, and they could be a whole lot worse.   I'm glad you have a good place, though <3
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I wonder about the professional knowledge level here.  Men have milk ducts.  She, as a nurse, should know this.  This is interesting  https://www.livescience.com/45732-can-men-lactate.html  Yes, men can lactate and have lactated, trans or cis.  The idea that Birdie does not have milk ducts or tissue is just plain wrong.  Her statement indicates that she has not looked at the medical record, which she should be familiar with to treat the patient. 
    • Ivy
      Trans women can lactate under the right conditions. But that's not even the case in your situation.  It's so stupid how they simply refuse to accept your reality.
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