Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Bullied by another trans person; seeking advice


RandomCatWeirdo

Recommended Posts

Please read this post before commenting.

Ok so this is a long story, but I will try to keep it short just because I don't want to really relive this. I am a person who is wanting to do HRT, I consider myself trans nb, and there's this person who's also trans (MtF) who I talked to for 6-7 months as a friend. (They're also like 10 years older than me). They were like my best friend and they did make me feel very good about myself. Then one day last year, they decided to Photoshop me in disgusting ways and spread my pictures online without my permission and them and their friends called me horrible offensive names like "-crossdresser-" and "ugly asf" and said I did things I never did, and making fun of very trivial things about me just because it was what I liked - basically putting me through a living hell for months. They hurt me in a lot of ways because I thought they were my friend and they did this for seemingly no reason at all. I felt very unwelcomed in the community they were in (just one community but it has a lot of people in it) basically nobody gave a -crap- what I had to say about what they did to me. Not even the admin, because the admin always took their side despite showing them 100% obvious proof and they knew this whole time what they were doing to me. This went on for a whole year. They still keep doing it to me and others, but mostly they did it to me and still make a lot of homophobic posts in general but everyone still seems to think they are "innocent" and can do no wrong. But I'm done with them.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... am I good enough? I feel like the answer should be obvious, but at the same time my mental health has drained so much from this torment they have put me through it makes me feel very ugly on the outside (and inside since it's caused a lot of mental trauma sort of issues, but mostly outside because I WANT to look pretty). And I'm not going to lie, they are an evil hypocrite in my eyes, but they pass very well. They have so many people who don't misgender them because they pass so well. You can see it if you know they aren't cis, but most people don't know by first glance - but there's still always that lingering thought I have of "what if they are right about me being ugly?" I used to get a lot of likes on other groups a year before we met by people who did like me and the way I looked, one post even got 1k+ likes (but I haven't posted in well over a year because of this). But I still feel defeated and it's made things really hard for me in my life and how I identify myself, or if I am good enough to transition to the way I want. I just needed to put this out there, maybe for advice or to reach out to others who maybe experienced something similar. I really want to feel good about myself but it is still there in the back of my mind when I even think about making a schedule to start on any sort of progress for transitioning and it's been the biggest holdup of me wanting to do so for a year. I've had to see a therapist just for this specific thing because it's gotten so bad last year for me. It took me a lot of time to think about posting this, I'm still scared of someone who knows who I am seeing this post and more attacks happen to me online and I'm worried about the potential backlash just posting this has for me. But I just want to feel like I am validated and good enough to make that step... I want to be respected and addressed the way that makes me happy, and when people do that, it really does make me happy. But it feels rare.

 

I guess I'm sort of wanting validation to know I'm not as bad as they say I am, but I know all of that needs to come from myself. It's just that it's been hard for me to come out of my shell after this I suppose... it has been really hurtful. It's 2023 and I really want changes in who I am.

Link to comment

Wow.  That's horrible.  That "friend" clearly wanted to use you.  Bad people with poor self esteem enjoy tearing others down because it makes them feel bigger, or better about themselves.  Shame on them! 

 

Hopefully your therapist can help you, and reassure you that yes, you are good enough just the way you are.  Yeah, some of that has to come from inside yourself.  But when you're feeling low, that's hard to find.  Continue to reach out to others, and maybe you'll find a REAL friend, instead of some faker. 

 

 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Welcome to The Forums.  None of us on the Admin/Moderator Staff let that type of behavior happen here and our other members make us proud of their support for what we do.   A little history of the site is that we began as self harm and suicide prevention and that does not go with the baloney you describe.  We encourage new members to pick a screen name that could not be used to trace you.  Look at our Community Rules and you will find that they are geared for safety and privacy.  When you get 5 approved (moderated) posts then you can use the members only picture galleries to post photo per the rules we have for pictures..  I have been our for 12 years and am a community activist and take part in entertainment, but I'll be darned if I know that I really pass and do not make an effort to do it.  I just try to be the BEST ME I can be and that seems to work.  Also at 5 posts you can use our Personal Mail feature as you make friends.  Its a good idea to let other members know if you are going to contact them in a post out here, but you can directly contact ANY of the Mods or Admins any time.  You have made a good choice to seek therapy for what you have endured and keeping it up will help you.  We have posts that give tips on clothing, makeup and hair/ that you can read and comment onor you can just write what you want.  Welcome

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Good morning and welcome,

 

I hope you find yourself confidence again. You'll find that the folks here are very helpful and encouraging on almost every transgender question you may have. Changing your circle of trusted friends in real life, is tough, but it starts by removing yourself from the negative people around you. Look to build your new circle, and keep it small at first, some may even become so close that you think of them as family.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

First, welcome @RandomCatWeirdo! So glad you're here! Yes! You are good enough! I can't say why this person did this to you. I think it's horrifically tragic when one of us does what some cis people do to us. I was my worst antagonist for too many years. I hated me, how I felt, how I looked. The wonderful people in this forum helped me see I wasn't this hideous oddball creature unfit for life. Here I found the beauty within me, by seeing the beauty in them. I think beauty emanates outward, if we let it. All the plastic surgery in the world won't take away ugly if it's inside. As for those who don't accept me, I stay away as much as possible, some I love dearly, but today I refuse to be trapped in the hatred & ugliness of society's binary concept. Please know you are beautiful & you are loved. Keep coming to this place & you will see it for yourself.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hey @RandomCatWeirdo! Welcome to transpulse!

 

I can say with some certainty that if you are NB, I will absolutely find you friend-shaped.

 

I can also tell you that just this morning, I came home very late from the 31st birthday party of one of my best friends. She's MtF. The party included NBs, genderfluid people, one straight, cis-guy, etc... it was amazing. Everybody was and is good enough. You are therefore good enough. You are, after all, part of everybody.

 

Honestly, some of my favorite people are NB. My advice is to do whatever makes you comfortable in your own skin and let the rest sort itself out.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment

Welcome @RandomCatWeirdo. This is a safe and welcoming place and very helpful and affirming. I can't add to what everyone else has said. All I can do is assure you that every word spoken so far is the absolute truth.

 

Your ARE good enough, and as @Delcina Bhas said, beauty comes from within. I can tell from your post that you are a beautiful and sensitive person. Like others have said, I don't understand why some people are the way they are--just plain mean and nasty toward others to make themselves feel good. I'm sorry you're going through this. No one should have to. In the words of my sainted southern grandmother (with just enough sweetness and a smile to make sue everyone knows what's really being said), "Bless their poor, pea pickin' hearts." 

 

Stick with your therapist, take heart and be strong. You are not alone and everyone here will support you.

Link to comment

Hello, and welcome! I'm new here, too. But everyone has been extremely kind to me, and I know they will be to you as well. If someone sees your posts and attacks you, I highly doubt the mods here will allow that kind of behavior to continue. 

 

I've dealt with the type of person you describe. It almost sounds like you're describing one of my own old good friends. You didn't do anything wrong. You ARE good enough. I think some people feel the need to cut others down because they feel so terrible about themselves, and don't know how to deal with those feelings.

 

I think your ex friend was extremely jealous of you. You posted a picture and got 1000 likes? You must be gorgeous! It almost sounds like that triggered their insecurity, and could be what caused them to attack you. But that's just speculation on my part. In any case... I'm so sorry. Those sorts of betrayals cut deep, and I can tell you're hurting. You'll find many people here who will uplift and validate you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Link to comment
11 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

Hello, and welcome! I'm new here, too. But everyone has been extremely kind to me, and I know they will be to you as well. If someone sees your posts and attacks you, I highly doubt the mods here will allow that kind of behavior to continue. 

 

I've dealt with the type of person you describe. It almost sounds like you're describing one of my own old good friends. You didn't do anything wrong. You ARE good enough. I think some people feel the need to cut others down because they feel so terrible about themselves, and don't know how to deal with those feelings.

 

I think your ex friend was extremely jealous of you. You posted a picture and got 1000 likes? You must be gorgeous! It almost sounds like that triggered their insecurity, and could be what caused them to attack you. But that's just speculation on my part. In any case... I'm so sorry. Those sorts of betrayals cut deep, and I can tell you're hurting. You'll find many people here who will uplift and validate you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Nah, the 1k+ post was way before I met them, at least by a few months. They weren't even aware of the account I posted my pics on. The only pics they used against me were the private ones I sent them. The reason why I think they did it from my theory was when I called them out when I caught them editing my pictures with disgusting things, they blocked me and decided to keep doing it all of last year. Which isn't even really a reason, it makes no sense. But they have some similar things to others, just not one of their own "people" (I'm nb, they're MtF, but same thing since they are not born cis) if that makes sense. It really has hurt me deeply. You said that you had an old friend who was just like this and for that, I truly apologize you had to go through that. I hope you're better now or found some kind of peace. I want to be able to post where I used to, but knowing they are still there lurking in the groups that I used to be in (not the one with the crappy admin, but other ones I used to be in) it still kind of makes me take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I can post here since everyone is telling me this is a safe place. Tbh, I really would like to start slowly again to build my confidence up.

 

Either way, I really appreciate it. I'm glad to be accepted here. I really just wanted to feel good enough like I said in my original post. And for that, I really appreciate you and everyone who has tried to uplift me on this post. 

Link to comment
2 hours ago, RandomCatWeirdo said:

Nah, the 1k+ post was way before I met them, at least by a few months. They weren't even aware of the account I posted my pics on. The only pics they used against me were the private ones I sent them. The reason why I think they did it from my theory was when I called them out when I caught them editing my pictures with disgusting things, they blocked me and decided to keep doing it all of last year. Which isn't even really a reason, it makes no sense. But they have some similar things to others, just not one of their own "people" (I'm nb, they're MtF, but same thing since they are not born cis) if that makes sense. It really has hurt me deeply. You said that you had an old friend who was just like this and for that, I truly apologize you had to go through that. I hope you're better now or found some kind of peace. I want to be able to post where I used to, but knowing they are still there lurking in the groups that I used to be in (not the one with the crappy admin, but other ones I used to be in) it still kind of makes me take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I can post here since everyone is telling me this is a safe place. Tbh, I really would like to start slowly again to build my confidence up.

 

Either way, I really appreciate it. I'm glad to be accepted here. I really just wanted to feel good enough like I said in my original post. And for that, I really appreciate you and everyone who has tried to uplift me on this post. 

 

Whether this will make you feel better or not, I'm not sure, but the friend of mine in question has ended up very alone and isolated. It took a few years, but eventually, everyone distanced themselves from them because they were afraid of enduring the same lashing out and abuse. I even tried to get them to get psychiatric help for a while, but they didn't want to be helped. I'm okay - unfortunately, due to prior abuse from a different source, I knew how to set hard boundaries and refuse to be an emotional punching bag. But in the end, I'm not a therapist, and that's what they really needed.

 

I'm sorry that you've been pushed out of spaces that were important to you. Hang in there, because if this type of behavior is common for them, I think they'll get booted out of them eventually. 

Link to comment

that was not a friend, though I'm sure it felt like it at the time, and you should not judge yourself because of a bad person and what they did to you.  Had a somewhat similar experience myself last year where someone I loved said some really awful things about me and it spiraled me into depression for months.  It's effing hard to pull out of that because so many of us were conditioned to be ashamed of ourselves, but believe me when I say it can be done if you stay strong and find supportive people (like the people around here) to surround yourself with who will kick you in the butt and tell you how awesome you are.

All the virtual hugs!

Link to comment
13 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

 

Whether this will make you feel better or not, I'm not sure, but the friend of mine in question has ended up very alone and isolated. It took a few years, but eventually, everyone distanced themselves from them because they were afraid of enduring the same lashing out and abuse. I even tried to get them to get psychiatric help for a while, but they didn't want to be helped. I'm okay - unfortunately, due to prior abuse from a different source, I knew how to set hard boundaries and refuse to be an emotional punching bag. But in the end, I'm not a therapist, and that's what they really needed.

 

I'm sorry that you've been pushed out of spaces that were important to you. Hang in there, because if this type of behavior is common for them, I think they'll get booted out of them eventually. 

Eh, I hope they do and I hope the admin realizes what a mistake it is being best buddies with them despite what I've shown them and that they aren't this innocent person they are trying to portray themselves as.

 

I agree with the "not a therapist" part, I vented to them / they vented to me and I feel like that's what they mostly used me for and when I got mad at them when I found out what they were doing talking behind my back and abusing the pictures I shared with them in private just to make fun of me (they were SFW but still they weren't to be shared - especially like that), they blew me off and did these horrible things after blocking me without saying a word. Idc what they say about me, I don't believe anyone deserves what I went through. Hell, you don't deserve what you went through with your 'friend'!

 

It's been going on for so long I feel defeated, that why I want more connections with people who I feel like care about me. I suppose that's why I reached out like this.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
On 1/9/2023 at 4:51 PM, RandomCatWeirdo said:

am I good enough?

Welcome @RandomCatWeirdo! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am so glad you found us.

 

Yes! You are certainly good enough and likely better than most. I understand you’re questioning yourself because of what happened on that other site. I can assure you that the nonsense you described happening would never be allowed here as Vicky mentioned above. Bullying is shut down immediately. That site is obviously not supportive or promoting true friendships if this kind of activity is allowed in any form.

 

On 1/9/2023 at 4:51 PM, RandomCatWeirdo said:

I guess I'm sort of wanting validation to know I'm not as bad as they say I am, but I know all of that needs to come from myself. It's just that it's been hard for me to come out of my shell after this

The hypocrites that hurt you are people who use others to gain a sense of validation by senselessly stepping over others. They’ll someday reap their due rewards and it won’t be pretty. Please don’t buy into their rhetoric because it’s simply untrue.

 

As hard as it may be, IMHO, you’d be so much better off without those kind of people in your life. They are immature. Stooping down to their level through retaliation is certainly not the answer either. There are too many other good people in this world to even waste a minute more thinking about these individuals. You can’t change them or their ways so why bother? I personally would move on. Finding this forum is a good first step. You can find real friendships and people who truly care for your wellbeing given a little effort and time.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Food for thought

You cannot control what other people say, think or do. Therefor any time you spend in worry about that is wasted time. 

(credit: my therapist, Rashmi)

You cannot eat beauty. You should find something else to sustain you.

(credit: Lupita Nyongo's mother)

god loves you no matter what, she really does. No Matter What.

(credit: god)

We all struggle with feeling unworthy. All of us. If you are happy when you truly see yourself, what else could possibly be more important

(credit: my humble opinion)

 

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

Treating you this way is so very wrong, but unfortunately our trans community tends to mirror the rest of society, which means we have to deal with bigots and insecure people as well.  Still, I'm always shocked when one (or a few) of our own resort to cruelty like this.  

 

Nothing I can say will probably take away the hurt, but please know that we love you just the way you are.  Most of us are not beauty queens, cis or otherwise, so measuring someone against that ruler is ridiculous.  Too many people judge others based on their looks and overlook the whole person.  That's what your shallow, insensitive, so called friends did.  I can only advise that these are "friends" you don't need.  I recommend you let them slide into the past and embrace those who don't judge based on the false construct of external beauty. 

Link to comment
43 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

unfortunately our trans community tends to mirror the rest of society,

This is impotent to remember.  There are trans people that are jerks, just like every other 'group' there is.  We are just people, that's all.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 1 Anonymous, 50 Guests (See full list)

    • Ashley0616
    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • VickySGV
    • MaybeRob
    • Birdie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.4k
    • Total Posts
      765.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,845
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Chris54
    Newest Member
    Chris54
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Elishevak
      Elishevak
    2. thoustan
      thoustan
      (20 years old)
    3. Tony123
      Tony123
  • Posts

    • Birdie
      I'm not sure for most, but in my case all my friends when out and about are cis women. I'm accepted right into the fold and we have normal 'girl talk' conversations.  We talked about everything from female issues (yeah I get some of those) to shopping and sales.  We talked about cute guys, and some of our dates as well.    I really don't have any 'guy friends', more like acquaintances.    Even when I was in boy-mode I was never accepted into the fold with the guys and always hung out with the girls. They could sense I was different. Of course the guys didn't have to deal with monthly cramps and such, but I did. 
    • KayC
      I'm with Vidanjali (... again! 😊).  I agree more with the first half of the statement than the last half.  'Fools and Fanatics ..." hold on to their delusional ideas with a death grip, in part when they are supported by their chosen tribe of similar lost souls. The truly 'wise' understand the human condition and could even have compassion for those who have lost their way.  Ultimately though, the wise WILL often speak out against intolerance.  If not vocally, then more importantly in the example they provide in how to live a Noble Human Life.
    • Davie
      More JK Rowling Transphobia: Rowling Calls Trans Woman Journalist "A Man...Cosplaying" Rowling took to Twitter on Monday to call trans journalist and broadcaster India Willoughby "a man," "cosplaying a male fantasy," the latest in a long list of transphobic remarks from the author.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I can't tell if the Moms for Liberty group is focused only on school libraries or if they look at general public libraries as well.  Because the purpose of those venues is rather different.  I see school libraries as a much more focused collection, especially for the younger grades. In this topic's headline story, the South Carolina library in question is a public library   I did check out some of the "60 Minutes" interview, and I'm suspicious.  Seems it was filmed in October but heavily edited and only released recently.  Typical establishment media stuff.  I think one of the worst things you can say about MFL is that they assumed the presentation would be unbiased and consented to participate.  I would have thought they'd be smarter than that.    It seems the book banning efforts aren't particularly coordinated.  They get together in a group and rate books on a 1 to 5 scale on issues like nudity or sexual descriptions.  Local folks then see what titles are on the shelves, and decide whether they want to get rid of everything that's a 3 or greater, or just a 5....something like that.  I doubt efforts are consistent from place to place. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Being stuck with unfriendly parents and not having choices can really suck.  I lived in that situation until I was 26.  I even was forced to attend a "light" version of conversion therapy to get any support from my parents to get the art training I wanted after high school.  I was fine when my sister still lived at home, but she moved in with a girlfriend and left me with my parents.  That was the most depressed I've ever been.    But situations do change - sometimes that change happens to us, and sometimes we make it for ourselves.  Rather than focusing on the dread of what you think might be happening politically, why not make a list of things you'd like to change and how you might accomplish that?  For example, if you want to move out, you'll need money.  Focus on earning money in any way possible, and saving it up while you have the advantage of a roof over your head.  Is there somewhere you would rather live?  Check out what life might be like there.  If you don't know anybody there, maybe meet a couple of people online, or see if a local friend might want to go there with you when the time comes.    Sometimes having a good future means laying groundwork for that future ahead of time.  There are things you can do, and any little way that you can start preparing will make you feel like you have some agency in your life.  It sets a goal and a timeframe, and goalposts by which you can measure your progress.  There is hope, and you can do it!
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Pretty sure there's a wide gap between how you and I see the world...which is fine, as it makes things interesting!  To me, sending a message to cis folks that I'm not like them is absolutely the opposite of what I try to do.  I'd rather be seen for my similarities than my differences at most times.  You mention people seeking their tribe - which has certainly been a big thing in my life.  But is a trans person's tribe necessarily other trans folks?  Would we expect the same from members of other minority groups?  Are Black people supposed to seek out other Black people to spend time with?  Are Greek people (like me) supposed to seek out members of the Greek diaspora in the US?  What about people of a specific faith - are they supposed to spend time only with their faith community?  What about those of us who are LGBTQ+, an ethnic minority, and of a specific faith?  Which aspect of a person's identity takes priority?    I wonder if by focusing on finding the LGBTQ+ tribe and emphasizing how different that tribe is from others, if some people might be missing out on greater acceptance that they might find otherwise?    Isn't it also a question of degree?  For example, one of my friends works as custodian in the main building of my husband's workplace.  She's trans, very feminine, and she looks really nice in feminine clothes and feels comfortable expressing herself like that.  But isn't there a difference between an outfit of subdued colors/modest cut/small accent jewelry vs. a different outfit that is in bright colors/revealing, or even something overtly LGBTQ+ oriented?  Both hypothetical outfits could be described as feminine, but one attracts attention and the other doesn't.  Which is the better choice for her in the workplace?  In the grocery store?  Is the hypothetical subdued outfit more likely to make my friend look and feel less feminine or experience dysphoria than the one that draws more attention?  (And to avoid the "false dilemma" fallacy, these are just two examples - avoiding vs attracting attention is likely a wide spectrum of options.)    There's also an issue in that we can be misunderstood or misidentified by the clothes we wear (or don't.)  For example, you mention me being a "nudist."  Actually, that doesn't identify me correctly....there's subtle differences in purpose and beliefs.  But I couldn't blame folks for assuming that if I showed up totally without clothing.  The principle applies to how folks dress when they want to express themselves.  Even if they mean to find their tribe and identity with it, what impression is left on those around them?    I think that activism and appearance are very linked in this way - that the intended meaning may be very different than what is actually communicated to those around us.  It is perhaps a source of much of the friction we deal with.        I wonder if people are different on this as well.  If I'm not feeling safe, the last thing I want to do is be noticed.  Since getting assaulted 18 months ago, I definitely am quieter and I don't put myself out there as much.  Is it a privilege to be quiet?  I kind of disagree.  I think the real privilege might be that when you aren't quiet, when you're attracting more attention than necessary, yet not experiencing something negative from that. 
    • Vidanjali
      So like a mathematician to think in binary terms lol. There is illogic in my boy's statement though as he begs the question (logical fallacy when an argument's conclusion assumes the truth of its premise instead of supporting it) by assuming first that there is (1) something wrong with the world and (2) only one thing wrong with the world. Besides that, he seems to denounce the natural diversity in human intelligence & assume that the wise should ideally assume some sort of active leadership or control (not to mention his assertion is elitist). Moreover, isn't it so that those who are full of doubt truly are not so wise? As a counter example, many enlightened sages have said that self-realization is the highest attainment and that exuded genuineness is what inspires others, not activity, per se. 
    • April Marie
      Hmmmm, following Carolyn Marie's lead......I'm not sure. 😉🤣
    • VickySGV
      The MFL group has actually been voted out of several school boards recently, which is a good start to undo their mischief.  How many of them are actually mothers of children, and which of them are under investigation by Child Protective Services agencies?? 
    • MaeBe
    • Ashley0616
      It's fun to do. I found a free editor called Camtasia. I'll start using that. Let me know when you do. I'll be a first subscriber. 
    • MaeBe
      I do not. I might have to with all you superstars putting yourself out there though!
    • Ashley0616
      Thank you! Do you have one?
    • MaeBe
      Good for you, Ashley! Subbed! 🤩   💜Mae
    • Ashley0616
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...