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Bullied by another trans person; seeking advice


RandomCatWeirdo

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Please read this post before commenting.

Ok so this is a long story, but I will try to keep it short just because I don't want to really relive this. I am a person who is wanting to do HRT, I consider myself trans nb, and there's this person who's also trans (MtF) who I talked to for 6-7 months as a friend. (They're also like 10 years older than me). They were like my best friend and they did make me feel very good about myself. Then one day last year, they decided to Photoshop me in disgusting ways and spread my pictures online without my permission and them and their friends called me horrible offensive names like "-crossdresser-" and "ugly asf" and said I did things I never did, and making fun of very trivial things about me just because it was what I liked - basically putting me through a living hell for months. They hurt me in a lot of ways because I thought they were my friend and they did this for seemingly no reason at all. I felt very unwelcomed in the community they were in (just one community but it has a lot of people in it) basically nobody gave a -crap- what I had to say about what they did to me. Not even the admin, because the admin always took their side despite showing them 100% obvious proof and they knew this whole time what they were doing to me. This went on for a whole year. They still keep doing it to me and others, but mostly they did it to me and still make a lot of homophobic posts in general but everyone still seems to think they are "innocent" and can do no wrong. But I'm done with them.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is... am I good enough? I feel like the answer should be obvious, but at the same time my mental health has drained so much from this torment they have put me through it makes me feel very ugly on the outside (and inside since it's caused a lot of mental trauma sort of issues, but mostly outside because I WANT to look pretty). And I'm not going to lie, they are an evil hypocrite in my eyes, but they pass very well. They have so many people who don't misgender them because they pass so well. You can see it if you know they aren't cis, but most people don't know by first glance - but there's still always that lingering thought I have of "what if they are right about me being ugly?" I used to get a lot of likes on other groups a year before we met by people who did like me and the way I looked, one post even got 1k+ likes (but I haven't posted in well over a year because of this). But I still feel defeated and it's made things really hard for me in my life and how I identify myself, or if I am good enough to transition to the way I want. I just needed to put this out there, maybe for advice or to reach out to others who maybe experienced something similar. I really want to feel good about myself but it is still there in the back of my mind when I even think about making a schedule to start on any sort of progress for transitioning and it's been the biggest holdup of me wanting to do so for a year. I've had to see a therapist just for this specific thing because it's gotten so bad last year for me. It took me a lot of time to think about posting this, I'm still scared of someone who knows who I am seeing this post and more attacks happen to me online and I'm worried about the potential backlash just posting this has for me. But I just want to feel like I am validated and good enough to make that step... I want to be respected and addressed the way that makes me happy, and when people do that, it really does make me happy. But it feels rare.

 

I guess I'm sort of wanting validation to know I'm not as bad as they say I am, but I know all of that needs to come from myself. It's just that it's been hard for me to come out of my shell after this I suppose... it has been really hurtful. It's 2023 and I really want changes in who I am.

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Wow.  That's horrible.  That "friend" clearly wanted to use you.  Bad people with poor self esteem enjoy tearing others down because it makes them feel bigger, or better about themselves.  Shame on them! 

 

Hopefully your therapist can help you, and reassure you that yes, you are good enough just the way you are.  Yeah, some of that has to come from inside yourself.  But when you're feeling low, that's hard to find.  Continue to reach out to others, and maybe you'll find a REAL friend, instead of some faker. 

 

 

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  • Admin

Welcome to The Forums.  None of us on the Admin/Moderator Staff let that type of behavior happen here and our other members make us proud of their support for what we do.   A little history of the site is that we began as self harm and suicide prevention and that does not go with the baloney you describe.  We encourage new members to pick a screen name that could not be used to trace you.  Look at our Community Rules and you will find that they are geared for safety and privacy.  When you get 5 approved (moderated) posts then you can use the members only picture galleries to post photo per the rules we have for pictures..  I have been our for 12 years and am a community activist and take part in entertainment, but I'll be darned if I know that I really pass and do not make an effort to do it.  I just try to be the BEST ME I can be and that seems to work.  Also at 5 posts you can use our Personal Mail feature as you make friends.  Its a good idea to let other members know if you are going to contact them in a post out here, but you can directly contact ANY of the Mods or Admins any time.  You have made a good choice to seek therapy for what you have endured and keeping it up will help you.  We have posts that give tips on clothing, makeup and hair/ that you can read and comment onor you can just write what you want.  Welcome

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Good morning and welcome,

 

I hope you find yourself confidence again. You'll find that the folks here are very helpful and encouraging on almost every transgender question you may have. Changing your circle of trusted friends in real life, is tough, but it starts by removing yourself from the negative people around you. Look to build your new circle, and keep it small at first, some may even become so close that you think of them as family.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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First, welcome @RandomCatWeirdo! So glad you're here! Yes! You are good enough! I can't say why this person did this to you. I think it's horrifically tragic when one of us does what some cis people do to us. I was my worst antagonist for too many years. I hated me, how I felt, how I looked. The wonderful people in this forum helped me see I wasn't this hideous oddball creature unfit for life. Here I found the beauty within me, by seeing the beauty in them. I think beauty emanates outward, if we let it. All the plastic surgery in the world won't take away ugly if it's inside. As for those who don't accept me, I stay away as much as possible, some I love dearly, but today I refuse to be trapped in the hatred & ugliness of society's binary concept. Please know you are beautiful & you are loved. Keep coming to this place & you will see it for yourself.

 

Hugs!

Delcina 

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Welcome RandomCatWeirdo.

As has already been said, this is a safe place for you.

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  • Forum Moderator

Hey @RandomCatWeirdo! Welcome to transpulse!

 

I can say with some certainty that if you are NB, I will absolutely find you friend-shaped.

 

I can also tell you that just this morning, I came home very late from the 31st birthday party of one of my best friends. She's MtF. The party included NBs, genderfluid people, one straight, cis-guy, etc... it was amazing. Everybody was and is good enough. You are therefore good enough. You are, after all, part of everybody.

 

Honestly, some of my favorite people are NB. My advice is to do whatever makes you comfortable in your own skin and let the rest sort itself out.

 

Hugs!

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Welcome @RandomCatWeirdo. This is a safe and welcoming place and very helpful and affirming. I can't add to what everyone else has said. All I can do is assure you that every word spoken so far is the absolute truth.

 

Your ARE good enough, and as @Delcina Bhas said, beauty comes from within. I can tell from your post that you are a beautiful and sensitive person. Like others have said, I don't understand why some people are the way they are--just plain mean and nasty toward others to make themselves feel good. I'm sorry you're going through this. No one should have to. In the words of my sainted southern grandmother (with just enough sweetness and a smile to make sue everyone knows what's really being said), "Bless their poor, pea pickin' hearts." 

 

Stick with your therapist, take heart and be strong. You are not alone and everyone here will support you.

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Hello, and welcome! I'm new here, too. But everyone has been extremely kind to me, and I know they will be to you as well. If someone sees your posts and attacks you, I highly doubt the mods here will allow that kind of behavior to continue. 

 

I've dealt with the type of person you describe. It almost sounds like you're describing one of my own old good friends. You didn't do anything wrong. You ARE good enough. I think some people feel the need to cut others down because they feel so terrible about themselves, and don't know how to deal with those feelings.

 

I think your ex friend was extremely jealous of you. You posted a picture and got 1000 likes? You must be gorgeous! It almost sounds like that triggered their insecurity, and could be what caused them to attack you. But that's just speculation on my part. In any case... I'm so sorry. Those sorts of betrayals cut deep, and I can tell you're hurting. You'll find many people here who will uplift and validate you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

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11 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

Hello, and welcome! I'm new here, too. But everyone has been extremely kind to me, and I know they will be to you as well. If someone sees your posts and attacks you, I highly doubt the mods here will allow that kind of behavior to continue. 

 

I've dealt with the type of person you describe. It almost sounds like you're describing one of my own old good friends. You didn't do anything wrong. You ARE good enough. I think some people feel the need to cut others down because they feel so terrible about themselves, and don't know how to deal with those feelings.

 

I think your ex friend was extremely jealous of you. You posted a picture and got 1000 likes? You must be gorgeous! It almost sounds like that triggered their insecurity, and could be what caused them to attack you. But that's just speculation on my part. In any case... I'm so sorry. Those sorts of betrayals cut deep, and I can tell you're hurting. You'll find many people here who will uplift and validate you. I hope you start feeling better soon.

Nah, the 1k+ post was way before I met them, at least by a few months. They weren't even aware of the account I posted my pics on. The only pics they used against me were the private ones I sent them. The reason why I think they did it from my theory was when I called them out when I caught them editing my pictures with disgusting things, they blocked me and decided to keep doing it all of last year. Which isn't even really a reason, it makes no sense. But they have some similar things to others, just not one of their own "people" (I'm nb, they're MtF, but same thing since they are not born cis) if that makes sense. It really has hurt me deeply. You said that you had an old friend who was just like this and for that, I truly apologize you had to go through that. I hope you're better now or found some kind of peace. I want to be able to post where I used to, but knowing they are still there lurking in the groups that I used to be in (not the one with the crappy admin, but other ones I used to be in) it still kind of makes me take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I can post here since everyone is telling me this is a safe place. Tbh, I really would like to start slowly again to build my confidence up.

 

Either way, I really appreciate it. I'm glad to be accepted here. I really just wanted to feel good enough like I said in my original post. And for that, I really appreciate you and everyone who has tried to uplift me on this post. 

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2 hours ago, RandomCatWeirdo said:

Nah, the 1k+ post was way before I met them, at least by a few months. They weren't even aware of the account I posted my pics on. The only pics they used against me were the private ones I sent them. The reason why I think they did it from my theory was when I called them out when I caught them editing my pictures with disgusting things, they blocked me and decided to keep doing it all of last year. Which isn't even really a reason, it makes no sense. But they have some similar things to others, just not one of their own "people" (I'm nb, they're MtF, but same thing since they are not born cis) if that makes sense. It really has hurt me deeply. You said that you had an old friend who was just like this and for that, I truly apologize you had to go through that. I hope you're better now or found some kind of peace. I want to be able to post where I used to, but knowing they are still there lurking in the groups that I used to be in (not the one with the crappy admin, but other ones I used to be in) it still kind of makes me take a step back. Maybe, just maybe, I can post here since everyone is telling me this is a safe place. Tbh, I really would like to start slowly again to build my confidence up.

 

Either way, I really appreciate it. I'm glad to be accepted here. I really just wanted to feel good enough like I said in my original post. And for that, I really appreciate you and everyone who has tried to uplift me on this post. 

 

Whether this will make you feel better or not, I'm not sure, but the friend of mine in question has ended up very alone and isolated. It took a few years, but eventually, everyone distanced themselves from them because they were afraid of enduring the same lashing out and abuse. I even tried to get them to get psychiatric help for a while, but they didn't want to be helped. I'm okay - unfortunately, due to prior abuse from a different source, I knew how to set hard boundaries and refuse to be an emotional punching bag. But in the end, I'm not a therapist, and that's what they really needed.

 

I'm sorry that you've been pushed out of spaces that were important to you. Hang in there, because if this type of behavior is common for them, I think they'll get booted out of them eventually. 

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that was not a friend, though I'm sure it felt like it at the time, and you should not judge yourself because of a bad person and what they did to you.  Had a somewhat similar experience myself last year where someone I loved said some really awful things about me and it spiraled me into depression for months.  It's effing hard to pull out of that because so many of us were conditioned to be ashamed of ourselves, but believe me when I say it can be done if you stay strong and find supportive people (like the people around here) to surround yourself with who will kick you in the butt and tell you how awesome you are.

All the virtual hugs!

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13 hours ago, ConfusedKitty said:

 

Whether this will make you feel better or not, I'm not sure, but the friend of mine in question has ended up very alone and isolated. It took a few years, but eventually, everyone distanced themselves from them because they were afraid of enduring the same lashing out and abuse. I even tried to get them to get psychiatric help for a while, but they didn't want to be helped. I'm okay - unfortunately, due to prior abuse from a different source, I knew how to set hard boundaries and refuse to be an emotional punching bag. But in the end, I'm not a therapist, and that's what they really needed.

 

I'm sorry that you've been pushed out of spaces that were important to you. Hang in there, because if this type of behavior is common for them, I think they'll get booted out of them eventually. 

Eh, I hope they do and I hope the admin realizes what a mistake it is being best buddies with them despite what I've shown them and that they aren't this innocent person they are trying to portray themselves as.

 

I agree with the "not a therapist" part, I vented to them / they vented to me and I feel like that's what they mostly used me for and when I got mad at them when I found out what they were doing talking behind my back and abusing the pictures I shared with them in private just to make fun of me (they were SFW but still they weren't to be shared - especially like that), they blew me off and did these horrible things after blocking me without saying a word. Idc what they say about me, I don't believe anyone deserves what I went through. Hell, you don't deserve what you went through with your 'friend'!

 

It's been going on for so long I feel defeated, that why I want more connections with people who I feel like care about me. I suppose that's why I reached out like this.

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  • Forum Moderator
On 1/9/2023 at 4:51 PM, RandomCatWeirdo said:

am I good enough?

Welcome @RandomCatWeirdo! It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am so glad you found us.

 

Yes! You are certainly good enough and likely better than most. I understand you’re questioning yourself because of what happened on that other site. I can assure you that the nonsense you described happening would never be allowed here as Vicky mentioned above. Bullying is shut down immediately. That site is obviously not supportive or promoting true friendships if this kind of activity is allowed in any form.

 

On 1/9/2023 at 4:51 PM, RandomCatWeirdo said:

I guess I'm sort of wanting validation to know I'm not as bad as they say I am, but I know all of that needs to come from myself. It's just that it's been hard for me to come out of my shell after this

The hypocrites that hurt you are people who use others to gain a sense of validation by senselessly stepping over others. They’ll someday reap their due rewards and it won’t be pretty. Please don’t buy into their rhetoric because it’s simply untrue.

 

As hard as it may be, IMHO, you’d be so much better off without those kind of people in your life. They are immature. Stooping down to their level through retaliation is certainly not the answer either. There are too many other good people in this world to even waste a minute more thinking about these individuals. You can’t change them or their ways so why bother? I personally would move on. Finding this forum is a good first step. You can find real friendships and people who truly care for your wellbeing given a little effort and time.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R🌷

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  • 3 weeks later...

Food for thought

You cannot control what other people say, think or do. Therefor any time you spend in worry about that is wasted time. 

(credit: my therapist, Rashmi)

You cannot eat beauty. You should find something else to sustain you.

(credit: Lupita Nyongo's mother)

god loves you no matter what, she really does. No Matter What.

(credit: god)

We all struggle with feeling unworthy. All of us. If you are happy when you truly see yourself, what else could possibly be more important

(credit: my humble opinion)

 

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      I think if anyone will take over the US as führer, it will be DeSantis. Trump is already being removed from his position as head of the republicans, with people like fox news and Breitbart saying DeSantis is the future of the party. Considering Trump's incompetence and Ron's actions so far, he may actually be worse.   Apart from that, I agree with you 100%.
    • Vidanjali
      The persecution of Black Americans is not analogous to the persecution of trans people, but there are intersecting features such as disproportionate levels of violence against and systemic oppression. That is, in particular, violence against both groups is not exclusively individually motivated (de facto), but is abetted by systemic oppression (de jure).  So, to gain some context for thinking about this question, I read two articles, one that argues that the 1951 charge of genocide against Black Americans is compelling:   https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2021/12/26/black-activists-charge-genocide-united-states-systemic-racism-526045   and another which argues it is not:   https://opiniojuris.org/2021/12/30/is-structural-genocide-legally-genocide-a-response-to-hinton/   This second article discusses another article on settler colonialism (linked in both articles) whose author states that settler colonialism is eliminatory, but not necessarily genocidal. The 2nd article's author further suggests that therefore systematic "crushing of spirit" may be better defined as cultural genocide, which was deliberately excluded from the genocide convention, however.   From what I understand, proof of intent is pivotal in charging genocide. That was the main argument against validifying the charge of genocide against Black Americans.    Anti-trans politicians and policy makers tend to (deliberately) mask their intent by claiming campaigns to save the children.    After reading the 2nd article, I began to read about crime against humanity versus genocide.    UN definition of crimes against humanity (CAH): https://www.un.org/en/genocideprevention/crimes-against-humanity.shtml   Note the UN definition of CAH refers to gender. Remarkably, the UN definition of gender acknowledges gender as a social construct.    Also note, regarding intent, that "[an] important distinction is that in the case of crimes against humanity, it is not necessary to prove that there is an overall specific intent. It suffices for there to be a simple intent to commit any of the acts listed, with the exception of the act of persecution, which requires additional discriminatory intent. The perpetrator must also act with knowledge of the attack against the civilian population and that his/her action is part of that attack." Do I believe the trans population is under attack? Yes, without a doubt. Do I believe it's genocide? I view this as an academic question, albeit an important one. I don't know the answer. I do think that it's possible that someone/some people in power will succumb to hubris and unequivocally declare intent to eliminate the trans population. I don't hope for that, but tbh, at least if such intent is made clear, then there is a clearer path to bringing a charge of genocide or CAH. However, I think that using the trans population as a scapegoat to galvanize ones voting constituency is ultimately of greater interest to those individuals than actually destroying us. Nonetheless, we suffer the collateral damage.       
    • VickySGV
      Be a bit careful on jumping to conclusions about the Disney/Government thing.  I studied the Reedy Creek situation in both one of my law classes and my Public Administration class work 50 years ago when it was begun and it really is not what the press and DS are making of it.  The Disney company owns all of the land and provides the services generally performed by a municipality including fire, water, sewer and roads etc to residents of the area.  The area though is a Company Town and Disney does not go through the usual processes necessary in a municipality if Disney wants to make improvements in the services.  The people living there lease the housing and the leases make it clear that they do not have rights to protest the Disney modifications or improvements.  EPCOT* center was designed as an experimental housing design and structure community and attracted many advanced and improved architecture and engineering people as its residents in the early days.  The proposed impact on the surrounding communities will be several billion dollars per year that will take some budgeting magic since the State is now getting the property tax money and will have to re-budget it to those communities who will take over the district.  Disney is powerful as a corporation, but even so, is much more benign than the Robber Barons such as Big Pharma and other Health Insurance groups etc.   *Experimental Prototype City Of Tomorrow.  

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