Have to figure this out by the end of May

[LiamRay]

In May of this year, I'll be graduating college, which is something I should be excited about but I'm not. It's freaking me out. My chosen name is going to be called when I receive my diploma but I'm not out to several of my relatives who plan to attend. I also haven't told my mom what name is going to be called because she refuses to accept my being trans and pretends like I never came out (except when she's mad at me). She knows that I go by my new name at school though she might not realize that it's gonna be used during the ceremony. Anyway, the relatives who don't know and are coming to my graduation include several grand parents, my uncle, and two of my younger siblings (who mom thinks are too young to know I'm trans). My first plan (which I devised within ten seconds) was to not say anything just let it play out, but that could have some negative consequences. Logically, I know it's better to sort this stuff out ahead of time because graduation should be special and I'm gonna wanna celebrate not deal with family drama. But I also don't know how to come out to those specific people and tend to procrastinate when the task at hand makes me anxious. I can't use the method I did with my mom. It was kind of personalized, rash, and went really poorly. With my sisters I was just able to say it while we were hanging out cause we're very close and they're chill about this stuff (their reaction was something like "yeah, makes sense"). I'm contemplating a letter or multiple personalized letters but the suspense waiting to hear if they got it and read it would drive me insane. I've also considered finally changing my name on Facebook and making some kind of coming out post. Then I'd also be out to other family members who I don't see as often. 

 

So, I guess my question is what do you recommend I do and/or avoid. 

 

***Oh, for some context, the reason I'm able to have so many people at graduation is because graduating classes at my college are pretty small and (to my knowledge) the school has never restricted how many people graduates can invite to the ceremony.***

[VickySGV]

As one who has multiple college degrees, and multiple kids with multiple college degrees, the solution really is pretty simple.  "OOPS the person in front of me handed the Marshall of Faculty the wrong slip of paper!!"  I just had to keep gong but they will have the name right on my sheepskin.  The Provost hinds you a great looking folder with a piece of paper in it that tells you to pick up the real thing over in the SU during the reception.  Take advantage of the train wreck those ceremonies usually are.  The ones you have come out to will know the truth and then during a family dinner have one person offer a  toast to you that will OUT you then but you will know it is coming that way and you will have support as well. .

[Susan R]

1 hour ago, LiamRay said:

So, I guess my question is what do you recommend I do and/or avoid.

If I was in this situation, I would take care of business beforehand. My reasoning is that there’s a good chance that after your graduation the proverbial “cat will be out of the bag”. You want those who support you in your decision to be yourself to be there at your graduation ceremony. The coming out prior to your graduation will ensure that only supporters will show. This will make your graduation extra special that everyone attending is in your corner to some degree. Waiting to disclose your truth until after the ceremony could end up being one giant clusterduck

 

IMHO, you still have plenty of time. I thought my coming out was going to take six months or more but once the ball got rolling, I couldn’t stop it and didn’t bother trying. I was out to everyone in less than two months after my first coming out to my middle daughter.

 

Your mother’s reaction to gender issues is much like my mother’s was…denial (‘outa sight, outa mind’ type suppression). Denying a truth does not change the facts. Your mom will eventually have to come to terms with your disclosure.

 

1 hour ago, LiamRay said:

I'm contemplating a letter or multiple personalized letters but the suspense waiting to hear if they got it and read it would drive me insane.

As far as method of disclosure…I like the personalized letter method unless you are able do it in-person. That worked fairly well for me but neither method guarantees a positive outcome. The letter is good because it gives you time to personalize the wording to best suit each reader. Plus, it allows the reader the possibility of re-reading it to better understand parts that might otherwise be misconceived or misheard.

 

Best of Luck,

Susan R🌷

[Charlize]

I feel that opening up before the ceremony is your best avenue.  Your mother already knows  who you are as do the sisters you mentioned,  Having things out in the open are in the future regardless.  So unless you are uncertain yourself this might be just the opportunity you need to step out as yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[LiamRay]

On 1/12/2023 at 2:02 AM, Susan R said:

coming out prior to your graduation will ensure that only supporters will show. This will make your graduation extra special that everyone attending is in your corner to some degree.

That's a good point 

[LiamRay]

On 1/12/2023 at 8:01 AM, Charlize said:

this might be just the opportunity you need to step out as yourself

I guess I just hope that everyone actually sees this as myself. I've had people tell me that college changes me and made me into a different person. My mom thinks I'm pretending to be something I'm not when in reality I've stopped trying to do things to please other people. Whether they accept that this is really me or not is out of my hands but I still stress about it. 

[Charlize]

I doubt this will be comforting but i think we all find the coming out process stressful.  In my experience time healed the wounds and i've found peace.  Life would certainly been easier if i'd been cis but peace did come with time and honesty.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KathyLauren]

Coming out is always stressful.  Some people (talking about the people you tell) can handle it and some can't.  That is on them, not on you.

 

Definitely tell them ahead of time.  A personalized letter is a good way to do it if distance is a barrier, or if you are worried for your emotional or physical safety.  Susan is right: you will only have supporters at the graduation ceremony.

[Louise B]

LiamRay, letting your guests find out at the ceremony itself is "Jerry Springer" stuff.  You would be setting up your guests...and yourself...for a traumatic event that may lessen over time but would never fully heal.  This incredible journey we undertake sometimes makes us focus inward to the point we overlook the feelings of those around us.  Consider how these people (your guests) would feel that you did not tell them in advance, but let them come to a ceremony to be blindsided with this revelation.  Some of them may see it as your lack of trust in them and your lack of compassion, when in reality you were simply looking for a best solution.

 

I agree with Susan that you only want your supporters at graduation.  But look at it on another level:  When you come out to the world without first coming out to people about whom you care enough to invite them to your graduation, some may reasonably see it is you devaluing that relationship.  Tell everyone NOW.  Your authentic life does not begin while you are hiding it.  If this is your journey, if you are never turning back, tell your friends and family yesterday.  As to your younger siblings, tell your mother that this is how graduation will be going, you want your siblings there, but you recognize that as their mother she must make that choice.

 

But also...if true...let her know that your siblings will never again see you presenting in your assigned gender, and you feel it is best to address it with them before your next visit.

[Rianon]

Hi, LiamRay

 

I have to agree with all those who said "beforehand is best." A dear friend recently surprised her extended family with news of a major life change. (It wasn't gender-related, but something nearly as potentially explosive.) Since the surprise, she has yet to be forgiven, ironically not for her life change but for the surprise. Her family was deeply hurt. That's why I, too, must advise "beforehand is best."

 

That said, I wish success, both in telling folks and in your life ahead!

 

Cheers!

Rianon