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Guy problems


Tariane90

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Hi! everyone! I haven't posted here in a long time. I hope everyone is doing well. So, I've been chatting for almost 3 months with this guy. He's been super sweet, loving and gentlemanly and seems to be farely grounded in his responsibilities. Anyway, we aren't exclusive or anything like that but we are both attracted to each other and seem to have a lot in common "he even mentioned this". I feel like I could see him being someone I could possibly commit to. I know its too soon to tell. We've hung out a few times in person so far, he even helped me move. However we were chatting about intimacy and long term and he told me he really likes me and is attracted to me and values having me in his life, but is unsure whether he'd want to pursue a future with me because he sees himself with a cis person?? It kind of hurt because I am really liking him and he says he wants me in his life still. I'm confused because he made a confession to me, showing me he likes to stimulate himself through simulated back end pleasure. Sorry tmi. Anyway, I feel like we were supposed to meet and connect on a deep level. We can talk for hours and are super affectionate to each other. I just don't understand how he could feel I'm not good for him when all the important boxes are checked. Sorry, I know this is all over the place because its a bit hard to explain. Any insight or perspective from those who've been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated thank you in advance 

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Sorry I meat to add this. So he said he doesn't want  long term with me because I'm trans but then was like he's unsure and needs to think it over

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What do I know when it comes to relationship advice?  🙄  But, if you are up for it, this seems to me to be a case where you could dig deeper.  Ask him why your being trans makes a difference to him.

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Kind of in the same situation? but w/ a cis woman. Everything is great, it's still non sexual and aromantic, but there is deep love and affection. We genuinely care and respect each other, all the good stuff. On paper it looks like a thing. 

I hate to say these things don't go into full committment territory because we're Trans, but it sure seems that way. My last marriage I realized how important sex is in a committed relationship, as we were not compatible. 

Sometimes going directly to the source will not really reveal the insight we are actually looking for, which is, what is their "real intent". And it can work both ways- some are totally convinced they are in love and it crashes and burns, while others it's vague but really solidifies later on. 

When sex involved, it can be complicated. For some, just the idea of being with a trans person is still taboo and so, sexually stimulating. But on the occasion, people get their minds blown by falling in love with a person instead of an idea. 

 

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Hi @Tariane90, nice to know you. I'm not super-experienced by any means, having not had a serious relationship since transitioning, but I have dated a few straight-identifying cis guys and corresponded with a whole lot more online, so I feel I know a little about their views on trans women. And I'm sorry to say, but I'm not in the least surprised by your story.

 

To me, the explanation seems simple. Men in my age range (I'm 49, and probably wouldn't date anyone younger than 35) grew up in the same climate of transphobia that I grew up in, but unlike me they were never forced to come out. And make no mistake, to most straight cis men it would be coming out to admit to having a transfeminine lover. They would have to confront their own internalised transphobia, their shame, and quite possibly the derision of their male friends. In my experience, this means that most of them want to keep their associations with us secret. They're happy to meet us behind closed doors, but the idea of introducing us to their parents, for eg, or going out as a couple with their friends, makes their blood run cold. I guess, to be fair, the idea of being seen as my feminine self by my parents or friends used to make my blood run cold too. So I try to forgive them, since I've been there myself. But wow, it can be depressing. I have given up dating for now, mainly for this reason. I do not want to be anyone's dirty secret.

 

One last thing. I don't know how you feel about giving guys "back end pleasure", but I get the feeling that may be what your man is looking for. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you're post-op and couldn't fulfill this fantasy for him anyway. Or maybe he has plenty of other desires and this one is not crucially important. But, after so many guys fixating on my penis, I'm inclined to be pessimistic. In your case, it sounds as if maybe you have a connection tha is more important to him than any fetishised notion he may have of trans women. I hope so!

 

Best of luck Tariane!

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Thank you ladies for your input. He doesn't have many friends and isn't close to his family at all already. So I feel him having to come out would be only to the few friends he has, or when he's ready. Gosh this situation sucks simply because I'm super attracted to him on multiple levels and apparently he refuses to leave my life.

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