Not sure

[kaydim]

Hello! I'm writing this since I feel like I need an 'impartial' opinion. (I'm AFAB)

 

So I've started questioning myself about 3 years ago and finally came to the conclusion that I'm either trans or I'm just convincing myself. I have recently started thinking about the reason I would have for making myself feel such things like wanting to be a man. 

 

Recently, I realised that it's because I hate my mother. (I have my own reasons for that, which I would rather not disclose.) 

 

So these days, I have been feeling pretty lost. I don't know what to do. I'm mostly happy with how my life is right now, since I have a group of friends who are very supportive and I got dysphoria much less times than last year. I already came out to my parents, and they're trying to cope with it (but that's another story).

 

But if I only want to be a man because I don't want to be like my mother, then do I truly want to be a man? Am I really trans? 

 

 

I'm sorry if this came out a bit messy, I just have a lot to say. Thank you for taking your time to read this.

 

-David

[Carolyn Marie]

David, if you were in America or another western country, I'd advise you to talk to a gender therapist or counselor.  That's because it's hard for us to answer your question without knowing you better, and we aren't therapists anyway.  But I doubt if its easy or even possible to find a gender therapist in Hungary. 

 

So my advise is this; if you feel more comfortable as a boy or man than you do as a girl, if it seems to fit you, then regardless of the cause, you are probably transgender.  Science doesn't have proof of how and why people are trans, and its likely that it can be caused by many different things.  But I doubt if feeling like you belong in a body of a male can be due to hatred of a parent.

 

I think you'll understand yourself better over time, and what you feel now will either become stronger or will fade in time.  Of course, if you do get the chance to talk to a G.T., that would be ideal.  I hope what I've said helps a bit.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Dillon]

David, I hope you will hang around here and keep posting. I can't tell you who you are, of course. But I support your journey of discovery. I had a sense of both male and female identity in various ways for years. I'm AFAB. Eventually, I started to think that the times I felt I was female were a kind of dysphoria that tended to come up when someone in some way invalidated my gender identity or simply invalidated me. I felt more like myself when I identified as male. It took time to sort this out. Supportive friends made a big difference, and I am glad you have support. 

 

The thing about hating your mother. I have wondered if some things about my relationships with both of my parents have affected my identity, but then I always went back to thinking about how most people who have serious injury from their parents still identify as cis and straight. 

 

So that's about me, and I hope there is something in there that you find helpful. I think whatever you decide, or even if you don't decide, you'll get consistent support here with no pressure.

[Jackie C.]

18 hours ago, kaydim said:

But if I only want to be a man because I don't want to be like my mother, then do I truly want to be a man? Am I really trans? 

 

Hey sweetie! What might help you is this book here: You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. Get the physical copy, it's a workbook. I'd give you my copy if I could. It's very helpful to working out what you're feeling and, as my therapist puts it, "figuing out if you want to be a man because being a woman in the patriarchy kind of sucks, or figuring out if you were a man the entire time."

 

I wish you all the best and hope to hear more about your amazing journey!

 

Hugs!

[Rianon]

On 3/20/2023 at 1:18 PM, kaydim said:

But if I only want to be a man because I don't want to be like my mother, then do I truly want to be a man? Am I really trans?

Hello, David

 

Those were the same kind of thoughts I had when I was young. I felt I was a girl, but if I let myself think what a crazy thought that was, I'd start to wonder if it was just because I didn't want to grown up like my father and uncles, and most especially my older brother, who was an annoying jock –– big time baseball player who loved making fun of me just because I didn't like sports. It took a couple of years before I realized, No, I really am a girl, deep down in my heart & soul, even if no one else could see it. It takes time for the truth to come out.

 

Stay strong, David. There are better days ahead.

Cheers!

Rianon

[Vidanjali]

Hi David. It may be worth exploring exactly what qualities and behaviors of your mother repel you. Are those qualities and behaviors absolutely inextricable from femininity? How are they & how are they not? Make an honest examination of which of your qualities and behaviors remind you of your mother. Are those things necessarily feminine? And if there are things about yourself which remind you of your mother and which you do not like, can you modify or work on eliminating or replacing them? Again, are those things necessarily feminine? Are there women whom you do admire? What makes those women exemplary in your eyes & is it because they're women or admirable for gender-non-specific reasons. Same question for men whom you admire. 

 

Just some food for thought in your inquiry. 

 

I have had a difficult relationship with my mother. I do not want to be like her, neither as a woman nor as a person. I used to admire my father. In retrospect because he was much more functional than my mother and also because I perceived him as very masculine. Eventually, I learned the hard way my father is not admirable. He's no longer in my life. And through a great deal of effort, I've found forgiveness for my mother, although I continue to keep strong boundaries with her. Certainly our parents are our often primary reference for gender roles. But as we proceed with self-examination, we learn more about the beautiful nuance of our own gender and what kind of person we aspire to be.