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Emotional Roller Coaster About Current Times.


VickySGV

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Yesterday afternoon and evening, I was at a Tenth Anniversary celebration of a Community Health Center in downtown Los Angeles.  The medical center has a wonderful Trans Health care program that has other Trans support entities it supports and who support it.  I have given money to it as well although my HMO covers my medical care.

 

I was there helping both my Trans Chorus and a D.J. (a Trans man who is a community treasure), with technical audio support. The hotel ballroom we were performing in was at capacity of 250 people and there were video monitors in the buffet area in front of the ballroom that had good crowds in front of them as well.  Judging from the people there whom I know, I put the actual Trans attendees at 66% with the other 33% being Cis Allies, including several Community leaders: a County Supervisor, a State Assembly member, and a video appearance by the Congressional Representative of the region.  The medical center volunteer staff presented several special awards to these people and some long term activists in the community. 

 

Finally we got to the entertainment part of the program which was exclusively Trans entertainers. One of the groups was an African / Caribbean folk dance group, not surprising because nearly half of the folks involved there are from the Black community that is around the medical center.   The costumes were colorful and the bongo dance music was very good although I was too near the musician.  I don’t really know what did it to me, but something seems to keep hitting me in the middle of beautiful art by my Trans Siblings, but there was a roar of anger in my head that said “these are all men in dresses pretending they are women!”  <continuing blast of other insults> It was not me really thinking that this was true, it was memories of those shouts and sneers and hatred and threats I have heard all too often in recent days.  I had to close my mind for a few moments before I could hear the love and support of the group around me again.  I was mentally crying about this for a while. Echoes of an entertainment tragedy in an eastern state for what this would be classified as also came roaring in. The dance being done was one taught to and done by children in the Caribbean cultures if that makes a difference. Sorrow and Anger were my emotions when what I was seeing was uplifting and celebratory is so hated.

 

There were other musical acts as well. We do have some really good music artists that love to perform in the Trans population.  Closing the show was the Chorus I am a member of and fittingly the final number of the show was Victorious, a song written by some members of the group and which even I took part in the creation of a YouTube Pride show two years ago.  A few of the lyrics go “When you look into your heart and find love, you are Victorious, We all need love in our hearts to be who we are,.. We are Victorious”.  To which I can only say, we are up a against a whole lot of weak and fearful losers who cannot find love, they have lost the fight already.  I put in a link to the YouTube version of the song below.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yndlC7LQCi8

 

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I think uncertain times can make us feel uncertain in our own minds/feelings.  Intrusive thoughts are like that.  I've found that since my assault last year, I can be...flinchy.  Can't think of a better word.  The political stuff doesn't help, and I find that I can be more stressed about it than I was before.  Never quite angry, but not my old self.

 

I can be enjoying someplace or doing something normal, and all of a sudden my brain starts screaming that something awful is going to happen.  I can be around people and there's a nagging, negative, lying voice that whispers, "Really, they all hate you....its fox-hunting season and you look like prey."  A few times I've actually jumped or vocally squeaked, with no external stimulus besides the thoughts in my head.  The mind is a strange place.  

 

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