Just some thoughts

[kira_k]

Hi,

I'm really new here as well as relatively new to crossdressing and working things out, so wanted to get some things off my chest and hopefully a bit of support.

 

- I don't really like labels, but feel pressured to find one. I feel that it's a losing battle. I don't like the term crossdresser, which I will explain later. I don't really relate to trans or any of the other words. Sometimes I am a man who expresses themselves as one would expect, other times I'm a man who dresses like a woman, sometimes I feel like a woman who is dressed like a man and hate my body, other times I'm okay just expressing some femininity. It's all very confusing. I feel like it doesn't really matter and just accepting that I am who I am and how I feel is enough. But then how do you describe that to other people without pouring out the turmoil you feel about labels?

 

- It feels very lonely. I don't plan on transitioning so there are various issues such as hair (or lack of it), body shape and size etc, which makes it too obvious that I'm a man when trying to be feminine.  It feels like I have something to hide and I have no one to talk to and share things with. This isn't my whole life, it's just one part of me - I have many other interests, but it would be nice just to be able to say I bought this dress or skirt that I liked and to be proud of it and just have people talk back with the same sort of pride and interest.

 

- As I said, I don't really like being called a crossdresser, despite doing exactly what that denotes. The reason is probably more to do with other people. It already has a negative association, but it also doesn't help when you try and reach out to people on forums and the online community only to find a website full of creeps (So far, that's not what I've got here btw, which I'm very pleased to say). For example, I joined one forum, only to be propositioned within 2 minutes of joining and then to get a feed full of explicit photos. Regardless of sexual motivation or not, this isn't the way you approach strangers. I want to be treated with respect, and unfortunately, it seems that there are groups of people who make the term crossdresser a really depressing one. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to offend anyone. It's just that this doesn't seem like the correct way to approach people. Sexy stuff is fine, if done with respect. It so happens that it's not why I cross-dress, so maybe it's just me being sensitive. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.

 

- I have started to wear a wig and it's taking some getting used to. It's on securely, it doesn't move or anything. But sometimes it feels like it's sliding off the side of my head. I go check and everything is fine. I think I just need to get used to it more.

- How do people deal with hair. I'm quite a hairy person and because of swap back and forth, I don't really want to remove too much. I don't mind removing leg hair and shaving, but arms are a bit obvious. I've been told that it's not essential to pass as a woman and sometimes I fell like I don't need to, as I've said above. But I was just wondering about other people's experiences when it comes to this.

 

I've probably blurted out too much at once and I really do apologise if I've offended anyone, I'm honestly not trying to do that.

Kira x 

[Dillon]

3 hours ago, kira_k said:

This isn't my whole life, it's just one part of me - I have many other interests, but it would be nice just to be able to say I bought this dress or skirt that I liked and to be proud of it and just have people talk back with the same sort of pride and interest.

I think I hear you saying that you want to be treated as a whole person. I agree, and I think you'll find lots of support here. 

[April Marie]

Truth be told, you are experiencing what most, if not all, of us have felt. That's not meant to dismiss your feelings - just to let you know that we're all on a journey of discovery, some of us further along than others. I initially thought I was a crossdresser. Like you it wasn't a sexual thing but, rather, I felt that I looked "right" when I was wearing feminine attire. Ultimately, it took years, lots of depression and, finally, some work with a therapist to understand my truth.

 

Each of us in this community are individuals and our wants/needs/desires are different. WHile there are similarities to our stories in some cases, there are just as many differences. Unfortunately, societies use labels to make sense of things, to eliminate the need for long explanations which seems to be one of the ways you feel trapped since your reality and experiences don't fit a mold. I wish I could offer some short cut - and perhaps one of the many much more experienced people here can. 

 

One of the exceptional things about our community here at TP is our diversity - which makes it possible to have interactions and discussions without fear of getting the propositions and explicit photos. We're here to help and support, not feed on and abuse each other.

 

Crossdresser evokes ideas and emotions in people - just as does transgender - which makes it difficult to predict the reactions when we talk about our thoughts and actions to people outside of the community. Yesterday, I felt absolutely beautiful in a new blouse I'd bought recently....trying to explain that to anyone outside of our community would certainly evoke a strange reaction. Unfortunately, our/your society still maintains pretty tight gender norms which box in those of us that don't fit. As I read your post, that frustration seemed to come to the surface. And, again, I have no real solution.

 

I'd just offer, again, that you're on a journey of discovery. There are lots of resources here to help, provide advice and guidance and a lot of wonderful people who will be there to help...or just to talk with.

 

I hope my long-winded post provided some bit of help or thought to consider.

 

Welcome to the journey!!

[Jupiter]

I was reading your post and it just speaks to me of a gender-queer/non-binary identity.   If it helps I was the same, I liked aspects of being a man, had/have some fairly 'masc' hobbies like airsoft and performance cars but struggled with not feeling like a man at all most of the time.  Turns out I really was just unconsciously accepting of the free pass I was getting as a white cis male in a lot of life and I was worried about giving that up.

 

Someone asked the 'if there was a button to turn you into a cis woman would you do it' question and they had barely finished before I was 'hell yes' and that's when my egg broke I guess, revealing my true self.

 

As it happens I'm late 40's, have a fairly hairy body also and a 5 o'clock shadow 2 seconds after shaving and whilst I'm fairly small bodied (5'8) presenting feeling femme or androgynous is a LOT harder now than it was in my teens/20s/30s etc, but the genie is out of the bottle now and I can't go back.

 

Lots of people are aware of NB as an identity now, so if anyone asks why you are not conforming to gender stereotypes you can simply say you are gender queer/non-binary and combine aspects of both genders in the way you present and act, and its just who you are as a package.

 

 

[kira_k]

1 hour ago, Dillon said:

I think I hear you saying that you want to be treated as a whole person. I agree, and I think you'll find lots of support here. 

 

Yes, that's exactly it. Thank you

[kira_k]

45 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Truth be told, you are experiencing what most, if not all, of us have felt. That's not meant to dismiss your feelings - just to let you know that we're all on a journey of discovery, some of us further along than others. I initially thought I was a crossdresser. Like you it wasn't a sexual thing but, rather, I felt that I looked "right" when I was wearing feminine attire. Ultimately, it took years, lots of depression and, finally, some work with a therapist to understand my truth.

 

Each of us in this community are individuals and our wants/needs/desires are different. WHile there are similarities to our stories in some cases, there are just as many differences. Unfortunately, societies use labels to make sense of things, to eliminate the need for long explanations which seems to be one of the ways you feel trapped since your reality and experiences don't fit a mold. I wish I could offer some short cut - and perhaps one of the many much more experienced people here can. 

 

One of the exceptional things about our community here at TP is our diversity - which makes it possible to have interactions and discussions without fear of getting the propositions and explicit photos. We're here to help and support, not feed on and abuse each other.

 

Crossdresser evokes ideas and emotions in people - just as does transgender - which makes it difficult to predict the reactions when we talk about our thoughts and actions to people outside of the community. Yesterday, I felt absolutely beautiful in a new blouse I'd bought recently....trying to explain that to anyone outside of our community would certainly evoke a strange reaction. Unfortunately, our/your society still maintains pretty tight gender norms which box in those of us that don't fit. As I read your post, that frustration seemed to come to the surface. And, again, I have no real solution.

 

I'd just offer, again, that you're on a journey of discovery. There are lots of resources here to help, provide advice and guidance and a lot of wonderful people who will be there to help...or just to talk with.

 

I hope my long-winded post provided some bit of help or thought to consider.

 

Welcome to the journey!!

Thank you for your reply. It does feel very frustrating at the moment, but I'm also very early on in my journey. I think that's what it is though, each of our journeys are very different as we are all unique people. I don't really have any answers either. I have been speaking to a therapist, so hopefully it's stuff I can work through. They have told me to focus on what I need and to be more gentle to myself. It's just going to take time I think.

It's good to know that there are people here that have/will go through the same thing though.

[kira_k]

44 minutes ago, Jupiter said:

I was reading your post and it just speaks to me of a gender-queer/non-binary identity.   If it helps I was the same, I liked aspects of being a man, had/have some fairly 'masc' hobbies like airsoft and performance cars but struggled with not feeling like a man at all most of the time.  Turns out I really was just unconsciously accepting of the free pass I was getting as a white cis male in a lot of life and I was worried about giving that up.

 

Someone asked the 'if there was a button to turn you into a cis woman would you do it' question and they had barely finished before I was 'hell yes' and that's when my egg broke I guess, revealing my true self.

 

As it happens I'm late 40's, have a fairly hairy body also and a 5 o'clock shadow 2 seconds after shaving and whilst I'm fairly small bodied (5'8) presenting feeling femme or androgynous is a LOT harder now than it was in my teens/20s/30s etc, but the genie is out of the bottle now and I can't go back.

 

Lots of people are aware of NB as an identity now, so if anyone asks why you are not conforming to gender stereotypes you can simply say you are gender queer/non-binary and combine aspects of both genders in the way you present and act, and its just who you are as a package.

 

 

It's very hard to really know what to do. I'm the same, I'm mid 40s and would find it very hard to pass as a woman - in terms of hair anyway. People have told me that it's not something you need to do if you don't want to. Sometimes I'm okay with that, other times it gets me down that I can't get that. But saying that sometimes I'm okay with it because I'm not trying to be a woman all the time, I'm just wearing clothes that I find nice and comfortable - they happen to be worn more by women.

I'm only 5'5, so find it easier to fit clothes. And I suppose really it's the frustration talking and there are always ways to hide and brings out different aspects of my body to present the way I would like. It's going to be a learning process I guess.

Thanks for your comments though, I appreciate it.

[April Marie]

I'm naturally pretty hairy, as well. I started shaving my legs off and on - mostly in colder weather and then let it grow during swimming season. Finally, I just started shaving them all the time and tell people I have a contact dermatitis problem and shaving is necessary as any hair stubble causes a rash when it rubs against pants, etc. There is some mild truth there since I do get an occasional contact rash...not sure if the hair causes it, though. 🙂 

 

I now shave all over since the sight of the hair feeds my dysphoria and one less source of stress is worth it to me. I doubt I'll ever do electrolysis so I deal with the daily or twice daily shaving my face.

 

I have found that using an IPL device has significantly reduced the growth of hair, especially on my legs. It's taking longer to impact other areas but it has made the hair less coarse. I al so have a lot of gray hair which isn't impacted by the IPL, at least to the same extent as darker hairs. An IPL device might be a worthwhile investment for you for selected areas you want to reduce or eliminate.

 

[Mirrabooka]

Hi there, kira! I can relate to so much of what you said! We have some similarities and I’d like to share them with you and hopefully be of help.

 

I have also come to the conclusion that labels aren’t for me either, after going through the process of trying to find one that was accurate, and repeatedly failing. What I can come up with now is that I am a non-dysphoric AMAB who has recently fallen in love with his ever-present inner woman. I am willing to let her have her way with me more and more, but I am not ultimately looking to transition. Technically, I am also a crossdresser, but it is 99% just panties and bras and nighties. I’m not looking to pass in public. I have totally accepted that I am somewhere on the rainbow, and that’s good enough for me.

 

I also lurked on other forums and was also put off by the overt nature of the members there, even without actually joining up and being subjected to unwelcome advances. I have only been here for a very short time, but I already feel at home here.

 

Regarding wearing a wig, is there anything stopping you from growing your hair naturally? I know it takes forever, but it has been a real game changer for me. I used to get a buzz cut every couple of months but apart from a trim 6 months ago, it has been growing since about this time last year. I LOVE IT! When it gets to this stage, where it is beyond my collar, easily tucked behind my ears and able to be styled different ways depending on how I part it, it makes me feel even more girly and wanting to take things a step further….hmm….it’s a snowball effect. I have also let my nails grow a bit over the past few months, nothing ridiculous, but I keep them a few mm longer than what they used to be, and I file them now, in a rounder shape, instead of clipping them hard and straight. I don’t shave body hair except for my armpits.

 

Reach out if you need to kira,

 

Hugs,

 

M.

[kira_k]

3 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

somewhere on the rainbow

I love this. That's a lovely way of putting it ☺️

[kira_k]

3 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

is there anything stopping you from growing your hair naturally?

 

Unfortunately, my genes. My family has a history of hair loss - and probably way past saving in my case. I would have liked to grow natural hair, but I've come to the realisation way too late.

I have been testing out growing my nails. I've painted them a few times and would definitely look better a big longer.

Thank you for your support. 

 

Kira x

[Sally Stone]

Hi Kira,

 

I'm quite certain you are experiencing the same feelings anyone who questions the notion of a gender binary has experienced.  In our society, the idea of gender being binary, strictly male or female, is very strong.  Gender identity, however, is extremely complex and it can't be explained by the simple notion of male or female.  So, it's okay to feel the way you do and to go back and forth about what feels right to you.  Somedays, I'm little bit girly, others I'm a little boy-like.  I roll with it.

 

As for labels, I have never been fond of them either.  They tend to be too confining.  Crossdresser has always been a particularly confusing label to me, as it doesn't make any attempt to define who I am.  Instead, it just defines what I am doing - not particularly helpful.

 

I did, ultimately, settle on the label of "bigender," because in my mind, it describes my desire to express either gender I'm feeling is most dominant.  But, it's just a label and because it tends to fit me, doesn't mean it is right for someone else. 

 

In the end, you are probably going to find that your feelings and motivations are unique to you and no one else.  We might all be trans, but that doesn't mean we are all the same.  I have always tried to be proud of being different and have learned to stop worrying because I am.  This mindset keeps me in a happy place.

[Mirrabooka]

9 hours ago, kira_k said:

 

Unfortunately, my genes. My family has a history of hair loss - and probably way past saving in my case. I would have liked to grow natural hair, but I've come to the realisation way too late.

A hormone drug known as Finasteride can be taken to eliminate male pattern baldness. It does carry the risk of certain de-masculinization side effects however, as well as a slight risk of gynecomastia, which might appeal to you.

Finasteride - Wikipedia