My journey of life

[Gizmo]

I was born in 1975 and was assigned female at birth. Until my first day at school, I didn`t know that there are boys and girls. To me it was all the same= kids. I had only male friends back then, because there were more boys than girls in our neighborhood. We used to play soccer and soldiers. I was clearly one of them. My female name didn`t matter as well. 

But in school, they started telling me, that I was different from the others, and that girls didn`t play soccer and soldiers. All my friends went on to join the local soccer club, but I was rejected, because I was a girl. It didn`t matter, that I told them, I didn`t feel like a girl, my name identified me as one, and girls were not allowed to join.

 

I was 11, when puberty struck, and I started dealing with hatred towards those non-stop growing female parts of my body. So I started eating unhealthy stuff, to become fat, because I had the slight hope, that with a fat body, the damn breasts would somehow be hidden. That only lead to various people telling me to loose weight, start putting on make- up and act like a woman. They started gifting me feminine clothes, which I threw away immidiately. 

 

So, you could say, I somehow existed all those years, but I never even tried living as a woman. 

 

When I was 29, I was surfing the net, one evening in late summer, and out of nowhere, I typed "transgender" into Google, and found various sites, forums and blogs on the subject. I couldn`t stop reading, and I just knew, that I had just found the name for my issues. I never was a woman, I was a man trapped in a female body. And there was something, you could do to change that. I decided, this was the only possible way to go. 

 

I had my first appointment with a nice psychologist in december the same year, had my first injection of testosterone in april the following year (2005), had the breats removed in october 2005, the internal stuff removed in december 2005. My name and sex was officially changed in spring 2006. In september 2012 I finally decided it was time to get a real dick, instead of the stuffer I used to wear night and day. 

 

Well, and now I`m 47, and I guess by 57 I will be a bearded, but bald guy. And, hey, I think I`m gonna like that look. Beard`s already there, but the hair on top of my head are slowly vanishing.

 

If there is anything you want to know, feel free to ask!

[Gizmo]

I have had two relationships in my life. The first was with a woman, who was 11 years younger, than me, and who I got to know on the net. At first I didn`t want to have a partner, until I was finished with my journey. But from a friendship, it quickly developed into more. We fell in love with each other. 

I was with her for 5 years, and, while I thought, she was the love of my life, others told me to split up with her, as they thought she was only using me. But I didn`t want to hear. 

Yes, we had issues and arguments, lots of, but I clung to the good times, we also had. To be honest, I had no clue about love and relationships. So it went on and on, until there came the very moment, when I realized, if I would continue trying to suit her, I would lose myself. From then on, we had even more arguments, because she couldn`t deal with me standing up against her. 

She used to play with my emotions, and she thought she could keep me sticking with her, by being nice to me, once in a while.

Some weeks later, I split up with her. We talked about our relationship, and she admitted, that she was with me, because she didn`t want to be alone, and there was no other guy showing interest in her. I asked her, if she ever really loved me, she couldn`t tell. Today I`m glad to have no more contact with her, and I hope it stays that way.

 

Some years later, I got to know another woman, this time older than me, on a cat lover group on Facebook. She was a nurse, and I was a paramedic, so we started talking about cats and our jobs, and eventually fell in love. She accepted me the way I am, but our relationship came to a sudden stop, when she said, she only wants a secret affair. I told her, that I really love her, that I don`t wanna be an affair, and that I want to show everybody, that we were together. She refused and split up. 

Sometimes I really miss her.

 

Before starting my transition, I didn`t want to have a partner. Yes, some people tried to make me date friends of theirs, mostly men, but one assumed I must be a lesbian, so he wanted me to date a girl. I refused, because I truly hated that female form I was trapped in. And that everybody thought I was a woman. I hated all this talk about what I should do to attract men. It was always like this:" You could be such a nice and beautiful girl, if you only lose some weight, have another hair-cut, wear make-up, and feminine clothing and jewelry, act like a girl, walk and talk like a girl..." You name it. I was having none of it. The thought of giving it a try, alone, felt wrong, everything about pretending to be a girl, felt wrong. 

 

Then there was a collegue, who, while we were at a party, started touching my breasts. Yes, she was drunk, and she appologized the next morning, but it felt so humiliating, that I was about to punch her in her face. Instead I got up and left the party in a hurry.

I never forgave her what she did.

 

When I started my journey, I thought, I wanted to finish it, before finding a gf. When I met my first gf, I was 1 year on hormones, had my mastectomy and hysterectomy done and my name and sex changed. At first I didn`t dare to tell her what was wrong with me, so when the moment came and we both wanted to have sex, she discovered the absence of a penis. I never allowed her to touch anything but the clit, down there, and it was fine with her. I was also her first boyfriend. But over the years I felt really bad about what was down there, and that it looked female. 

 

I met my second gf, after I have had phalloplasty. I skipped getting the erection device implanted, because I know that many are having severe issues with it. So I told her, and she was understanding. We still had great sex. But then, she only wanted an affair. Turned out she lied to me right from the start. She had told me, that she was 46, but in reality, she was 10 years older. She told me, she was single, but she is married and has 3 kids and 2 grandkids. But, I think I could have dealed with all that, because I really loved her. But I`m not an affair, that you can put aside, once you lose interest in it.

 

 

 

[Mmindy]

@Gizmo Thank you for sharing, you're in my heart. There is someone out there who will meet your expectations, accept you just as you are. You'll know you're with the right person when being with them doesn't feel like work. I totally understand and respect the: "I'm not an affair." statement in your closing.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋 

[Gizmo]

As I just wrote on the packer topic, I remembered a funny episode. It was in summer 2007, and me and my gf went to southern France on vacation. While we were visiting an area full of seasalt, that looked like it was covered in ice, I needed to pee. There was only a small bush beside the parking, and there were constantly cars coming and going. So when no other car was around, I squatted behind that bush and took a leak. I hurried, because I didn`t want to be caught in that position, and due to that, the packer fell out of my shorts and into the dirt. As it was a very hot day, I sweated,and so the dirt stuck to the packer. It was clear to me, that I couldn`t put it back in my pants like that. I also didn`t want to put it in my pocket, because, that`s not a place to carry your junk. And without it, I felt naked and really unwell. So I called to my gf, to bring me a bottle of water from our car. When she stepped around the bush, bottle in hand, and saw me squatting there, pants down, dirty packer, and all, she started to laugh. I didn`t thought it was funny, but later I could laugh about it, myself.