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Deadname In People Search Databases

Emma Jane

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So... I think I put this in the correct subforum. Please fix if not. Anyway, I have a two-fold problem. I mostly solved it but I wanted to talk about it anyway both to vent and so it can help others.


Long story short I have a vindictive ex who aggressively stalked and harassed me for five years. I thought it ended in 2016, I find out last week she never stopped. I am not sure if it had occurred to her to find my current address and contact information but I recently got back involved at a website with old friends of mine and thought she was banned from there years ago like everywhere else both she and I were at. Nope. Still there, still trusted, working as a writer. I told them I was scared of her and offered proof. They're considering banning her. I pleaded not to,  to discourage her wrath against me. Listening so far but it's likely she will still notice me again and see people like me now, which she hates. Her prior campaigns focused on spreading lies behind my back to get all my friends, and family, to hate me.


So to protect myself I decided to see how hard it was to find me. Not hard at all. You knew my full dead name, every people search website out there can find me. Some give my street address for free! Most will if you pay, all had both names. Some had abominations like my current first and last with my old middle as their main display name.


There's hundreds of them. It'd take months, years to remove them all myself. And all the stress of that.... I can't handle it so I paid a service to do it on my behalf. I am trying to purge it all. I realized even without my stalker I didn't like it being so easy to find out I am trans just by searching my name. I have been transitioning for six years and it never occurred to me they'd do this. Oh, and as a bonus, most of them list my deadname as the official name on their records.


I used Incogni for this but only because I saw it endorsed by YouTubers I trusted. Working so far. I am just worried she might get something before all these removal requests can get processed. Some take a month or two.


Still, I hope by talking about this I can make others who have their own concerns aware that there's this problem.

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  • Admin

Thank you for posting about this.  Dead names are a problem, for sure.  I get tons of mail every week for "him."  I think that's a forever problem.


Carolyn Marie

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Emma,


This is another thing we don't consider when we're starting our 'To Do List' in transition.



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That was something I checked out at the beginning of my journey. Where did I use the female name,and get a new account with the male name. Sure, I could have asked the admins to change my name and gender, but I really didn`t want any connections to this "Woman". 


Then there were letters, from the shop I bought my first computer at. Well, it was just advertising, and I never planned on buying another computer with them, so I didn`t ask them to change the name. Instead I threw away these letters, and told my family, to do likewise. Was still living with them, back then. It was a letter every two months, or so. Then, when my first gf visited me for the first time, my dad didn`t throw away such a letter, but placed it on the table. My gf was shocked. I asked my dad, why he didn`t threw it away, like he used to do, he said, maybe it was important. Anyway, I took this letter, wrote a note on it, that said, that Ms. Deadname had died, and put it in the mailbox. Never got any such letters, again.



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One can perhaps never totally remove our former selves.  Occasionally 12 years later i get a call from someone wanting to sell that person who "doesn't live here anymore" .  He still gets some mail as well.  If i was being stalked i doubt i could remove a trail without a massive effort which might not even work.  After all as i understand it witness relocation is sometimes ineffective.  If i had issues with someone i might get a formal restraining order.  At least in that situation the law can act to protect one.





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My deadname shows up in quite a few places, and is not going to be erased since they are published legal opinions in regard to Administrative Law work that I did for 40 years.  I get junk mail all the time with it on the mail, and the title deed to my house that was recorded 12 years shows both names, with my current name being a corrected title vesting.  My neighbors and my church all knew the old me, but by now I am just that weird but nice neighbor whom they trust and like to chat with.  My male name was also only one initial off from my father's name, and he has been dead for 17 years so there is a bit of confusion there too since he was an internationally cited expert in his field of engineering.  So far no one has used any of it against me even with ticking off as many people as I do.  I have not attempted to go stealth which with what I see is probably a better deal than totally trying to hide.  Like the one old lady said, I am __ age and don't have an enemy in the world today, I have outlived them all."


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Just for giggles, I googled my dead name.  My full name, including my middle name, only occurs in one place: the government gazette where my name change application was published.  There are more references to a guy in Kentucky who had the exact same name. 


There were a few references without the middle name, from when I was active in community affairs on the far side of the country.  There is nothing that would connect those references to me today.

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