I think I might be trans, but I don’t know how to tell my wife

[Amy2023]

So I have been questioning who I am for a long time now. But lately I’ve really been feeling that I might be the wrong gender. Before I get to trying to figure out how to tell people, especially my wife, let me tell you all a story. I’m 37 years old. I was given the gender of a male at birth. I have an older brother and an older sister. Growing up I would spend a lot of time with my sister. We would play Barbie’s and Polly Pocket and play house and school. She would paint my nails and do my hair and she would treat me like I was one of the girls. After a while of all this happening my parents, got concerned, for lack of a better term, and bought me GI Joes and Legos and boy toys to play with, I guess they didn’t the fact that I was happy being treated as a girl. My sister and I kind of fell apart after that and I started acting like a boy that my parents wanted me to be. When I was 16 or so I really began to question who I was and what gender I was. All most all of my friends were girls. Being around them made me feel comfortable, like I belonged. Not like being around the few guy friends I had. One day I went to my sisters room and grabbed a bra, a pair of panties, a pair of pantyhose and a pair of her high heel shoes and went to my room and put them on. Right away I felt something, I felt like this is what I was supposed to feel like when I got dressed. I went back to my sisters room to look at myself in the mirror that she had, and when I did, for the first time I actually felt like I saw the real me and not some ugly guy that I was told I was. Over the next year I would dress up as a girl any chance I got, but seeing a boy in the mirror every time I looked started to make me depressed. One day the stress of life and everything got so bad that I put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. I guess the gun jammed or something. I was so scared about what happened I put the gun away after that and hoped that I wouldn’t get asked about it. After that I started hiding my depression and I got pretty good at it. It wasn’t until the middle of my senior year of high school that I started to not be able to hide it anymore and actually got diagnosed with depression. Not wanting to take medication or talk about why I was depressed my parents just acted like I was fine. I guess they were ashamed of me. Before my senior  year was over I met a girl who I guess saw the girl I felt I was, because she stayed with me after I told her about how I felt that I was a girl. She was actually really supportive. We would buy clothes together and we would both be in dresses and heels when we would have sex. When we had sex, it was probably the only time I wasn’t ashamed of having a penis. When I turned 19 I proposed to her hoping that she would continue to support me being a girl. But by the time I was 20 the engagement was called off because for some reason she couldn’t stand seeing me in dress anymore. After that my depression kicked in really bad and I began to thinking about killing myself again. One night I tried killing myself again. I started cutting my wrist hoping I could would be successful that time. That was probably the fifth time I tried to kill myself. I tried to overdose on a bunch of pills a few times before that. A few months later I ended up meeting a girl online who lived in a different state on the other side of the country and by the time I was 21 I was living with her. We got married about a year later and after about a year of us being married I told her about how wearing girls clothes made me feel like the real me. At the time she was really supportive. We bought some outfits and shoes together. After that I felt like I could be me again. Although we bought the clothes together, I didn’t dress up in front of her. I wasn’t sure if she was ready to see me and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to show her. One day I knew she would be home early from work so I figured it would be a good time to show her. I put on a dress I had bought and some stockings and my pair of ballet heels and layed on the bed waiting for her to come in. I layed one of her outfits out on the bed with a pair of heels for her to wear. When she walked in, she had kind of a confused look on her face. I don’t remember what all was said, but we had sex as two women and I truly enjoyed it. I wish I could say the same thing for my wife. She didn’t like the idea of seeing me in a dress. I stared questioning who I was again and got rid of all my girl clothes. It wasn’t until four years ago that I began buying woman’s clothes and shoes again. I didn’t tell my wife, although I kind of had an idea she knew about it. Some time before the Christmas of 2018 I shaved all the hair off my face and body and I told my wife that I truly enjoyed being a woman and that I might actually be one. That conversation did not go the way I saw it going. She told me that she knew about the clothes and was ok with me being me in the house but wasn’t comfortable at the time being labeled a lesbian. Over the years I continued to buy woman’s clothes and continued to be what I felt was the real me when no one else was home. Although I felt good in woman’s clothes I still continued to question who I was, and well I still do. I don’t like the hairy guy I see when I look in the mirror, I can’t stand to look at myself. I don’t like the sight of my penis, I hardly touch it, I even sit down to pee just so I don’t have to see it or touch it. Right now I currently back home visiting my parents for a few months away from all my clothes and as the days go by, I’m really questioning who I am. Not being able to dress as a girl is really making me depressed. It’s making me so depressed, I’ve even thought about killing myself again. I’m truly beginning to believe I might really be trans. I just don’t know how to tell my wife. The last time didn’t go so well. This thought, this idea that I might be trans is eating me up inside. I’ve spent every night the last week crying myself to sleep because I don’t know what to do and don’t know how to tell my wife without her wanting to leave me or having her tell me that she just wants me to do it at home again. I don’t think I can keep just being a woman at home anymore. Somebody please help me.

 

[Heather Shay]

There's no easy way to tell your wife so simply telling her and accept her reaction with compassion and hope.

[Jackie C.]

My spouse was the first person I told. My advice? Don't open with a joke. That went... poorly.

 

Talk to her like an adult. No accusations. No fighting. Just, "Hey, so I think I might be trans. I'm going to talk to a therapist to figure things out. I hope you can accept that, but if you can't, I understand." Things will likely change. Maybe for the better. After all, you can't give her all of yourself if you're hiding from the world. Maybe it changes for the worse. Either way, there's going to be a period of adjustment because she hasn't really met you before, just the person you were pretending to be. At the end, she has to decide if you're a person she could be happy being married to. That's the catch to relationships: Both partners have to keep choosing each other.

 

I wish you nothing but the best!

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

Telling my wife was a big hurdle to clear for me.  I was very afraid that she would leave me.  After thinking about it for longer than I probably needed to, I came to the conclusion that she had the right to leave me if that was what she decided to do.  I was hoping that she wouldn't, but I knew that, if I had the right to decide who I was, she had the right to decide whom she wanted to be with.

 

When I finally got up the courage to tell her, she chose to stay.  We are still together 7 years later.

 

I hope it goes that well for you.

[Amy2023]

Thank you for the advice. I tried having the conversation with her before. I was calm, collected and confident. It took her off guard which is why it took 3 hours to have a 45 minute conversation. In the end I still had to hide from the world. I can’t think of the words to use. Right now, the fear of losing her after 12 years is tied with the fear of not ever being able to be me. It’s like the old saying goes, stuck between a rock and a hard place. But in any case, I can’t even try to have the conversation with her because I will not be able to see her for a few months.

[Susan R]

17 hours ago, Amy2023 said:

I’ve spent every night the last week crying myself to sleep because I don’t know what to do and don’t know how to tell my wife

Big Hugs @Amy2023! Reading your story brought back so many little details in my early journey and questioning myself about what kind of life I wanted. Of course, back then we only had TV or TS labels at our disposal. I had many of the same feelings of depression and rejection by loved ones as you shared in your story. It hurt is real.

 

I very much appreciate your well written story. It was heartfelt and I thank you for sharing this part of your deepest self with us here. Like you, I had a very difficult time disclosing this part of myself with my spouse. I kept putting it off night after night. This procrastination continued every night despite my intent. I thought I’d never be able to do it. Sadly, I ended up waiting far too long to come out. Eventually, I started on hormones and hid it from her. That was not like me. I felt inside I was a terrible person for not being honest with her and doing something behind her back. Not coming out to her was killing me slowly. I was 10 weeks into hormones and she begged me to tell her what was wrong. My lack of disclosure had become a real source of obvious pain and depression. During the next few weeks, we finally worked things out. It took hours and hours of honest, open & civil uninterrupted communication. Our discussions helped alleviate some of the fears of what might be next for us as a couple. There’s no magic pill or guarantees but give your spouse the same empathy and understanding as you want for yourself. It can go a long way.

 

Whether or not you label yourself as trans is not as important as knowing that you are a person worthy of happiness and undeserving of shame from wanting to be your authentic self. Please, oh please don’t do anything as rash as ending it all. That solution only hurts the ones you love…for the rest of their lives. You have so much to offer this world and always remember true joy and happiness is possible…even if you find that “transgender” is a label that fits. Your story means so much to people who have lived the lives we have. You are not alone and people care about you.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

[missyjo]

Amy2023,

oh sweetie, please don't ever try to harm yourself again..please. please, I've survived my own attempts n am left behind by a parent who was successful...n it was n still is so painful to think of the waste of that suicide n the hurt for those left behind. please don't go there.

 

you may be transgender dear, and as I've tried to tell siblings, there are worse things I could be. many.

 

I couldn't just dress at home anymore ..the constant changing made me crazy too. so I started owning it  getting dressed as missy in the morning n living my life as her. it's been better. sure first few outings are scary but you realize others have their own worlds to worry about. 

 

so how do you tell her? I've told siblings n close friends, by asking for a deep private conversation n telling them. not dressed at time so they can process it slowly. now we're getting used to missy stopping by n hanging out. it's different but I think still good, n hope they agree.

 

good luck dear.

 

please no more destructive behavior n consider a good therapist to help sort things out.

 

hugs 

[Mirrabooka]

Amy, thank you for your story. You are worthy. This is a place where you can be open and you will find nothing but acceptance in return. And I say that as a relative newbie myself. 

 

2 hours ago, Susan R said:

Whether or not you label yourself as trans is not as important as knowing that you are a person worthy of happiness and undeserving of shame from wanting to be your authentic self.

This. Be true to yourself and enjoy the benefits.

 

Coming out is a very individual experience. At this stage, I have only come out to myself, but I still don't know where I fit in the scheme of things. I have tentatively come out to my wife, and she accepts what she sees as a kink that I carry out mostly in the privacy of our home, but I have trouble engaging her in serious, lengthy conversations about my innate femininity.

 

Just know that you are not alone here.

[Mmindy]

12 hours ago, Amy2023 said:

It took her off guard which is why it took 3 hours to have a 45 minute conversation.

Don't give up Amy, the hours of conversation will add up to years. If they're honest, open, and compassionate. The clock, is not to be watched, and calendar is your friend. You're transition and the changing relationship will hopefully grow in positive directions.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Amy2023]

4 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

Coming out is a very individual experience. At this stage, I have only come out to myself, but I still don't know where I fit in the scheme of things. I have tentatively come out to my wife, and she accepts what she sees as a kink that I carry out mostly in the privacy of our home, but I have trouble engaging her in serious, lengthy conversations about my innate femininity.

This is where I was, about a month ago. My wife saw me, sees me, as a cross dresser. That she is comfortable with, she can handle. She can’t handle the label of “lesbian”. She can’t accept that you don’t have to be the same as everyone. That you can past this norm that society says you have to be in, that you don’t have to conform to what society says you have to be and still be happy. She doesn’t judge others, it seems to be herself she judges. She is like me in so many ways, which is why the thought of losing my biggest support system, my rock, tears me up inside.

 

It’s not just my wife I’m worried about coming out to. It’s my whole family. I can almost guarantee that after I come out to everyone, about even this thought that I have that I am a woman inside, that they will disown me before I am even able to take it to the next step. My brother will probably say something like, “oh well, sure. You’ve been dead to me for the last few years so big deal.” My sister will disown me, I haven’t been close to her since I was 15 and she feels that I left her a long time ago when I moved away. The rest of my family, with the exception of one aunt and uncle will disown me. The only reason I think they will accept me is because their son likes other guys so they have already accepted that you don’t have to conform. My parents on the other hand, they are a different story. My mom might be able to understand  and it will all make sense to her, but she won’t be able to accept it. My dad…he will leave the house and tell me that I better not be there when he gets back. That will be the last thing he would ever say to me.

 

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing that my wife’s family is so much like mine. Bunch of people who had religion shoved down their throats their whole lives and even though they are taught to accept, they can’t see past the norm. My wife’s family is our support system. She may be able to come to terms with being a lesbian but being with a guy who is now a woman, might be to much for her to handle, even if I feel I’ve been a woman my whole life and her family won’t accept me let alone her being different.

[Amy2023]

I’ve been rereading everyone comments lately and honestly I wanted to thank you all for your acceptance and trying to help me not feel like there is something wrong with me. Although I’m not going to lie, it’s still something that I’m struggling with but knowing that I’m not alone makes it a little bit easier. 
 

On 4/12/2023 at 12:53 AM, Susan R said:

Like you, I had a very difficult time disclosing this part of myself with my spouse. I kept putting it off night after night. This procrastination continued every night despite my intent. I thought I’d never be able to do it. Sadly, I ended up waiting far too long to come out. Eventually, I started on hormones and hid it from her. That was not like me. I felt inside I was a terrible person for not being honest with her and doing something behind her back. Not coming out to her was killing me slowly. I was 10 weeks into hormones and she begged me to tell her what was wrong. My lack of disclosure had become a real source of obvious pain and depression.

I feel like the worst person of all. I’ve always strived to be an honest person. I feel that your word is everything and believe that you shouldn’t keep secrets from your spouse or lie to your spouse. I’ve already filled out paperwork for a therapist and in a week I will have my first session but yet I have not told my wife about it and I haven’t told her again that I’ve been feeling this way. I made it seem like I was fine with just being me when no one was home and not around her. I feel like I’ve been lying to her for years. I haven’t told her I’ve been depressed for years. She knew about my depression and five of the six times I tried to kill myself but when she would ask me how I’m feeling, I always tell her I’m fine. I keep hoping that when she finds out that she will be understanding. But honestly how could she? I’ve lied to her for years. How do I deserve her forgiveness? Honestly I don’t. I don’t deserve her. She was there for me when I needed her, she came into my life when I had nothing. She gave me a little glimmer of hope when I needed it, and how do I repay her, by lying. She means more to me than she will ever know but I doubt she will see past the lie. 

[missyjo]

Amy

oh sweetie I just want to hold you, rock you gently n promise you it will be ok.

I suspect your feelings of being a terrible person n why am I like this are pretty common with this group dear, I know I struggle with those feelings here. 

but like you said, we're not doing anything terrible or hurtful to others, it's just perceived as unusual..were not rapists or killers, in fact I'd bet missy is nicer person than my male persona. 

 

my comming out to siblings sent me reeling..I have journal entry on bold letters as to what it taught me, if it was a deep secret this long  I should have kept it secret n just disappeared..but how wrong is that? 

it will get better dear, you have to do what's right for you at your time. what cis folks don't get I think is they think this is elaborate game of dress up n a choice...I watched most of the jazz series n a few movies n read a bunch of books this year; they all show caring families weighing the choices  do we support missy in her choice or do we wake up n find our son committed suicide. most cis folks don't realize how deep these wounds are, that years of hrt n surgeries are the more attractive choice that look like less pain

oh sweet girl, please be careful n safe

hugs 

[JoniSteph]

I worked with a therapist for a number of years to discover the reasons for my depression bouts, attempted suicides, feelings of being a failure at life, marriage and my kids.@Amy2023 it was only then that it came to light that my causes were not accepting who I was, that I was totally responsible for my families collapse, and several other misconceptions of mine. We discovered buried deep inside was I was trapped in a body that was not who I was. 

On the way to coming out, I took my time to gain acceptance from those closest to me. After almost a year, my kids still would not accept Joni Stephanie, but all my closest friends immediately were over joyed and accepted me.

 All relationships are based on honesty and truthfulness. Your wife has been accepting and there is no reason that she should not be less so in your discussions with her. 

No need for all the self depreciating and negative thoughts, just go slow and be honest as you can with her. You may just be pleasantly surprised. Be your self - caring and loving.

 

Have a great day all

Big Canadian Hugs all around

JoniSteph

[missyjo]

Amy,

I think JoniStephanie is right..you may be pleasantly surprised.

 

my siblings were split, as much as 1 hated n preached AT ME, the other was like, so you're just gonna give up because of idiots with ignorant religious/political views?

 

then I worried sick about my 2 best friends..n know  what? they surprised me dear. 1 said so, that's all? come over however you want but still come over n enjoy our visits. other had good advice n said no worries I'll help if I can n not tell my wife until you're ready.

 

so no guarantees but you may be nicely surprised. 

 

good luck darling

 

we, who love you as a person will always be here for you n each other

 

hugs 

[Ashley0616]

I came out to my wife and told her initially I was a femboy and wanted to slowly see how she took that. I then told her that I was trans and had gender dysphoria and at first she was supportive but that quickly went away. I also told my ultra conservative family and lost almost all support. I have two people I can talk to. I have never felt so low before. I'm 38 years old and have been going through this as far back as I can remember. I was also married twice before this. I have two kids that are biologically mine and a stepson but now will have to say goodbye to my wife and stepson. I was told that I was being selfish and I was only thinking about my happiness and not how it affects everyone else. I have been struggling with this for my whole life. I would accept it and then deny it by buying women's clothes and then getting rid of them. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and I hope I can see the VA on Monday. I'm tired of my body not reflecting how I feel inside.

[Rianon]

1 hour ago, Ashley0616 said:

I was told that I was being selfish and I was only thinking about my happiness and not how it affects everyone else.

I've been told that, too, Ashley, not for many years but your sharing of your experience brought the hearing of those words back to me like they been spat at me only yesterday. I used to turn to one of Audre Lorde's most well-known sayings: ”I have to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” To this day, I believe that, if I'm not fully happy, I can only be half-helpful to my friends. If I'm fully happy, then I can be fully helpful to them. Thinking of it that way, it's my job to take good care of myself, not just for my sake but for my friends' sake, too. My very best to you, Ashley! I know these are not easy days. ––Rianon

[KathyLauren]

3 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I was told that I was being selfish and I was only thinking about my happiness and not how it affects everyone else.

 

For stuff like this, where your health and survival are at stake, the rule of oxygen masks applies.  In the pre-flight safety briefing on any airliner, you will be told that, if the oxygen masks are released, to put on your own before helping others.  The reason is that you cannot help others unless you are safe and healthy yourself.

[Amy2023]

6 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I came out to my wife and told her initially I was a femboy and wanted to slowly see how she took that. I then told her that I was trans and had gender dysphoria and at first she was supportive but that quickly went away. I also told my ultra conservative family and lost almost all support. I have two people I can talk to. I have never felt so low before. I'm 38 years old and have been going through this as far back as I can remember. I was also married twice before this. I have two kids that are biologically mine and a stepson but now will have to say goodbye to my wife and stepson. I was told that I was being selfish and I was only thinking about my happiness and not how it affects everyone else. I have been struggling with this for my whole life. I would accept it and then deny it by buying women's clothes and then getting rid of them. I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts and I hope I can see the VA on Monday. I'm tired of my body not reflecting how I feel inside.

I’m sorry to hear that your wife isn’t supporting what you want to do. That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that the next time I have that talk with her, and not wanting to settle for having to be me when no one is around that she won’t understand me and won’t support me. All I have known for the last 12 years is what her and I have known. I left my home when I met her. I walked away from my entire family to be a part of hers, without her and her family id be stranded with nothing and no one on what might as well be an island. Is it worth hiding yourself from everyone just to be depressed and upset all the time or is it better to try to be yourself and still wide up depressed and upset as well as alone. That’s something that I can’t find the answer to

[Ashley0616]

My best advice is to pray. The longer you ignore it the more the urge will be there. I have to go to the VA and talk to my doctor. I have thoughts of cutting myself. I won’t though because I have kids but the thoughts won’t go away. I hope the VA can get me in soon. 

[GlitchedSalvation]

No matter how it goes, know you have a community of friends and support here.

[missyjo]

PLEASE If the VA is delayed, please consider a private therapist ASAP.

 

DO not let the politics of ignorance and hate make you harm yourself dear. You are just as much one of God's children as anyone else. And He wants all of us, binary or not,  to lead the best life we can and pray for the afterlife. 

 

Do not give in to them dear. I met a new friend recently and she wanted to do something for me. KNow what i told her? Missy is losing her family and friends. Every step closer to womanhood i get, i am happier and lonelier. Maybe try to be a gf to her, that is something she could really use. SHe hugged me and we traded contact information. 

 

God and WE love you dear. DOnt listen to the hate and ignorance. 

 

Hugs

[Ashley0616]

On 4/23/2023 at 9:07 PM, missyjo said:

PLEASE If the VA is delayed, please consider a private therapist ASAP.

 

DO not let the politics of ignorance and hate make you harm yourself dear. You are just as much one of God's children as anyone else. And He wants all of us, binary or not,  to lead the best life we can and pray for the afterlife. 

 

Do not give in to them dear. I met a new friend recently and she wanted to do something for me. KNow what i told her? Missy is losing her family and friends. Every step closer to womanhood i get, i am happier and lonelier. Maybe try to be a gf to her, that is something she could really use. SHe hugged me and we traded contact information. 

 

God and WE love you dear. DOnt listen to the hate and ignorance. 

 

Hugs

Well I did go to the VA and got put on a stronger dose. I'm currently taking six psch meds. I'm also dealing with anxiety, depression, hypertension, diabetes. MST (Military Sexual Trauma), PTSD (Combat Related), and of course gender dysphoria. I see my primary care doctor on May 11 for a telephone appointment and will discuss on how to proceed. I do feel a little better. The VA is having a hard time finding a psychiatrist that specializes in gender dysphoria because the two in my area aren't taking new patients. 

[Enbyally]

Dear Ashley,

 

I don't have much to add. 

Just want to send love and hugs your way.

❤️

 

[Ashley0616]

48 minutes ago, Enbyally said:

Dear Ashley,

 

I don't have much to add. 

Just want to send love and hugs your way.

❤️

 

Thank you I can really use the support. Y'all are the best for support and communication.

[Enbyally]

Apologies I didn't read the thread properly (please excuse my poor reading comprehension)

 

Obviously, many hugs to Amy as well! ❤️

 

I wish I knew you, so I could provide better love and support. I wish I knew whether acquaintances or even friends and family of mine are going through something similar. It is so heartbreaking to not know whether your support system is really there for you. And even more heartbreaking knowing they're not. Then, it is crazy about which people you pass every day, which neighbours, would be, but you just don't know it. I guess this forum helps with those connections. 

 

Point is I truly wish you the best, and you are accepted for who you are, even if you don't know who that is.