Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What if I never pursue transition


Stephanie Possibly

Recommended Posts

My life is pretty crap right now.  I knew I wanted to be a woman since I was 5 yo.  I have no doubt that I am trans, but I also know that I really can’t pursue it.  I want a woman’s body, and I hate looking in the mirror without clothes on, it freaks me out.  In my 40s now.  I am attracted to women, but while I wouldn’t admit it, I am sexually attracted to men as well, but I have never been with one, but I want to. It was really hard to say that last part.  I feel guilty every time I think about it, worry about it, or try to act on it.  I have never told anyone outside of forums about it though.  I will break down and put on my panties and bra, and womens deodorant and go to work with it under my clothes from time to time to feel more like a woman, but it would hurt too many people and I feel like it would hurt me to transition.  My guilt about it is eating me up.  I have prayed to not want it, but I always feel it.  I got online and sexted with a guy the other day, and while it was awesome, I feel so guilty, but it felt good for him to tell me I am pretty.  I want to get rid of this, but after 40 yes, I don’t think it will happen.  I just wonder how anxious I will be at 80 after pushing this down since I was 5.  It is weighing on me now.  I Used to think it was a really long phase, but now I know that I am transgender. I thought coming to accept it would allow some peace, but now I just want to transition.  How long can I hold this back.  I am shaking just typing this, due to the massive guilt.

Link to comment

Welcome, Stephanie!! You'll find lots of information here that may help as well as people in all phases of the journey to determine and live their true selves. As you probably already know, gender identify and sexuality occupy wholly separate parts of the brain and are distinct aspects of our identities. Most of us, though, have felt the guilt, shame and depression as we struggle to understand and accept who we truly are. And, you'll find that "transition" comes in many forms and degrees. Have you considered working with a gender therapist?

 

Personally, I struggled for decades trying to bury the guilt and shame of the feelings I felt I should be a woman, that I hated my body and always felt perplexed when I looked in the mirror. That all led to deep depression. It wasn't until I reached out to a gender therapist that I was able to begin to understand the feelings, to not only accept who I was but to embrace it and to begin to develop a strategy to move ahead and define what "transition" would look like for me. It's all still very much a work in progress but my life has changed, my smile is back and I am enjoying the process of becoming who I was meant to be. I couldn't have done it on my own - my therapist helped me to sort it out.

 

I know how hard it is to try to find your way through all the emotion and thoughts. There are many people who will lend advice or just a shoulder to lean - or cry - on. I hope you find your happiness as I have.

Link to comment

Stephanie,

 

This sounds like rampant gender dysphoria.  Many of us here can relate.  If I take your writing to be literal truth, it sounds like you are eventually going to transition.  And if that is true, do not delay further.  You mention your 40s like it is a bad thing.  You likely have half your life still ahead of you.  That is a good amount of time to live as your female self.

 

You do not mention if you are seeing a therapist.  It sounds like you desperately need therapy to work through these important questions and decisions.  There is no need to tackle this alone.

 

Louise

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, Louise B said:

You do not mention if you are seeing a therapist.  It sounds like you desperately need therapy to work through these important questions and decisions.  There is no need to tackle this alone.

I totally agree with this.  I also thought i would hurt myself and others if i ever revealed my "terrible" secret.  I went to therapy after being here for a bit.  Transition wasn't easy.  Some would certainly have hoped i would have kept this aspect of who i am hidden but time has healed hurts and life is better than my wildest dreams.  This isn't an easy path but it can bring some peace with time.

You are definitely not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
17 hours ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

I just wonder how anxious I will be at 80 after pushing this down since I was 5.

Hi, Stephanie! And welcome. I don't expect you'll believe this (I wouldn't have believed when I was 40), but, as someone who's only two years away from being 80, you'll be fine –– or you can be if you'll only spend a little time doing an inventory of the various things that you feel are necessary to be a bona fide female. If you think among the "musts" are surgery and an "F" on a driver's license (they're wonderful "musts," but not everyone can attain them), then you may find that you're still anxious at 80. But if you can reach the point where you realize that being a genuine woman (or man, for that matter) is far, far less than genitalia or drivers' licenses –– even less than the clothes you wear when you're out in public –– and more about the person you know yourself to be, you'll reach 80 (78, too!) and be totally at peace with yourself. I know this all sounds kind of New Agey (not that long ago, I would have thought so, too), but who you are is who you are, and nothing you can do to "fix" your outside self will never be the whole answer. A partial answer, maybe, and a crucial answer for some of us, certainly, but it's what you believe about yourself that ultimately matters. Trusting in that will help you reach 80 and be un-anxious. 🙂 ––Rianon  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi, Stephanie.

 

I will echo what the other folks are saying: you would definitely benefit from talking to a gender therapist. 

 

You have several things going on at the same time, and it would be helpful to have someone help you unravel them.  You have some fear for your own safety or well-being.  You have the loyalty of not wanting to hurt those around you.  You have strong gender dysphoria.  And you have some sexual confusion.  That is a lot to deal with on your own.

 

Your age is not a barrier to transition.  Many of us felt much of the same confusion that you do and postponed transition until our 60s or later.  I finally admitted to myself that I was transgender at age 61, after decades of denial, and started my transition at age 62.

 

I hope you are able to figure out a path forward that works for you.

Link to comment
15 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

I will echo what the other folks are saying: you would definitely benefit from talking to a gender therapist. 

Stephanie, I was wrong yesterday in not also suggesting to talk to a gender therapist. I'm afraid I went on and on about "looking with," my so-called New Agey thing. When I first met with a gender therapist it was the beginning of my figuring out what's what and learning how to be happy with myself. I will admit I was nervous driving over to our first meeting, but it was remarkable how that meeting went: for the first time in my life being able to open up about all these secrets I'd kept stuffed away for the most part since I was a kid –– and to be talking to a total stranger (she didn't remain a stranger for long) who was both understanding and supportive, not judging me but treating my "issues" with absolute respect. That was the first of our many meetings, but that meeting that day was one I will never forget. ––Rianon

Link to comment

Hi @Stephanie Possibly - I connect with your story and history, and especially the feelings of Guilt.  I had similar feelings for many years and it wasn't until I started gender therapy that I finally came to a realization of replacing the Guilt (which I had no control over) with Self-Acceptance, which is my choice. 
I still have quite a ways to go on my journey but I realized I cannot define myself by somebody else's expectations (that even includes How Far I actually transition). 

You received some great encouragement here and I cannot say it any better than @Rianon but I will re-share her words...
 

On 4/22/2023 at 2:20 AM, Rianon said:

if you can reach the point where you realize that being a genuine woman (or man, for that matter) is far, far less than genitalia or drivers' licenses –– even less than the clothes you wear when you're out in public –– and more about the person you know yourself to be, you'll reach 80 (78, too!) and be totally at peace with yourself.

 

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Thank u for all ur kind words.  I have been trying to not think about this for the last month or so, but I have to consciously bury my thoughts each day.  My heart starts racing if I let myself think about being a woman for even a minute.  Like I am so excited like a roller coaster.  I just wish I either didn’t have this, or could just transition.  I’m scared that if I see a gender therapist then I will definetly transition.  Someone commented that I had rampant gender disphoria and I think they may be right.  I want it so bad but have always thought u needed to give up everything to make others happy.  I know that’s weird, but that’s how I felt.i am going to try to schedule some therapy.  I just can’t stay miserable forever, acting like something I am not.

Link to comment
18 minutes ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

Thank u for all ur kind words.  I have been trying to not think about this for the last month or so, but I have to consciously bury my thoughts each day.  My heart starts racing if I let myself think about being a woman for even a minute.  Like I am so excited like a roller coaster.  I just wish I either didn’t have this, or could just transition.  I’m scared that if I see a gender therapist then I will definetly transition.  Someone commented that I had rampant gender disphoria and I think they may be right.  I want it so bad but have always thought u needed to give up everything to make others happy.  I know that’s weird, but that’s how I felt.i am going to try to schedule some therapy.  I just can’t stay miserable forever, acting like something I am not.

Stephanie, all you have written is classic trans gender dysphoria, but also the very common fear of transition.it is no small deal to risk everything you hold dear in life to pursue an unknown outcome. But this is no something we get to decide as we are born with a trans brain, and it won't change. This means there is no running away from dysphoria, and if it is affecting your life, you need to face it and do something about it.

 

I was in your exact predicament, my dysphoria was unrelenting but I had a life I refused to put at risk, so I fought against my dysphoria for as long as I could. I knew if I saw a therapist, they would advise me to transition, so I refused to go. Unfortunately, the stress of this over many years took a toll on my health, and I became very sick. My doctor talked me into giving hormones a try, and to do this, I had to see a therapist. As expected the therapist referred me to an endocrinologist to start HRT, and within a week of starting estrogen therapy, I was cured. Soon, I thought "well, I am not sick anymore so maybe I can stop hormones" but within a week I was sick again. My doctor scolded me and said that if I died to protect my loved ones and they realised this, they would have to carry the guilt for the rest of their lives. I realised then that no matter what I did, it would affect my loved ones, but transitioning at least meant I would be around.

 

Coming out to everyone was nowhere near as bad as I thought, once I explained that trans is a medical condition we are born with. Transition was nowhere near as bad as I imagined, though I still wish I never had to do it! But I have come out of it alive and I still have family and friends in my life. Honestly, it sucks to be trans, but it is possible to find happiness. Get help, and realise this isn't going away, but usually gets stronger, so you need to treat it or face dire consequences at some stage.

 

I hope you can find peace!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Link to comment

Thank u so much for that.  I am also experiencing some minor health issues due to this.  What u said really rang true with me.  I am starting to wonder if my ocd, anxiety, HBp, and low self esteem relate to this.  I wanted this since I was 5, but didn’t realize it was a real thing till much later in life.  I never really realized u could do it until I was in my 20s.  It feels good to talk about it.  I started thinking about all the semi happy times I have had, like first parts of relationships with women and all that, thinking maybe it went away then, but it doesn’t, I just repress it.  It still feels weird that I can finally admit that I am attracted to men as well.  I half way can’t believe that I told everyone on here that I sexted with a man.  I felt so guilty, but it felt so good.  For a while, I thought I might just be gay, but I definetly want to be a woman, I just think I would want to be a feminine woman with a man.  Saying that is relieving and scary.  I’m not sure I would know what to do if a man kissed me, but I think it would be amazing and scary all at once.  Thank you everyone, for talking this out with me.  It feels good to get this off my chest.  I think I will schedule a gender therapy appt next week.  Why is it so exciting and scary all at once?  I am sitting here right now, thinking about buying a wardrobe and men all at once and it is euphoria.  I just wish I had truly been honest with myself earlier.

Link to comment
6 hours ago, Stephanie Possibly said:

Thank u so much for that.  I am also experiencing some minor health issues due to this.  What u said really rang true with me.  I am starting to wonder if my ocd, anxiety, HBp, and low self esteem relate to this.  I wanted this since I was 5, but didn’t realize it was a real thing till much later in life.  I never really realized u could do it until I was in my 20s.  It feels good to talk about it.  I started thinking about all the semi happy times I have had, like first parts of relationships with women and all that, thinking maybe it went away then, but it doesn’t, I just repress it.  It still feels weird that I can finally admit that I am attracted to men as well.  I half way can’t believe that I told everyone on here that I sexted with a man.  I felt so guilty, but it felt so good.  For a while, I thought I might just be gay, but I definetly want to be a woman, I just think I would want to be a feminine woman with a man.  Saying that is relieving and scary.  I’m not sure I would know what to do if a man kissed me, but I think it would be amazing and scary all at once.  Thank you everyone, for talking this out with me.  It feels good to get this off my chest.  I think I will schedule a gender therapy appt next week.  Why is it so exciting and scary all at once?  I am sitting here right now, thinking about buying a wardrobe and men all at once and it is euphoria.  I just wish I had truly been honest with myself earlier.

Just be careful with your thoughts about being attracted to men. Many trans women think they are attracted to men, but when they actually go with a man, it doesn't feel right. This is because they weren't really attracted to the man, but wanted the affirmation of being a woman that being with a man can bring. Sometimes it's good to just take some time to make sure your feelings are genuine before you find yourself in a situation you don't want.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Link to comment
6 hours ago, AllieJ said:

...realise this isn't going away, but usually gets stronger, so you need to treat it or face dire consequences at some stage.

My jaw just dropped.

 

I'm adamant that I'm NOT dysphoric, but what you said makes so much sense! 

 

The shared experiences of folk who have actually gone ahead and transitioned are sooo valuable for folk like me who just don't know exactly where they are on the rainbow.

 

Thank you, @AllieJ, THANK YOU! ❤️

Link to comment

Hi Stephanie,

 

I hope that you do go ahead and schedule an appointment with a therapist (with trans/gender patient experience if there is one available in your area), to help you sort through all this. And just because you see a therapist does not necessarily mean that you will transition. Or transition completely. Gender is a spectrum we find ourselves on and what is the right approach for one person, might not be for another. 

 

My own transition was taking cautious & slow baby steps, with small changes and reevaluations along the way and that went on for a few years. This was after cycling through two different therapists first as it turned out they were inexperienced in gender issues, biased and ultimately unprofessional (one of them got arrested and lost her state certification as a result).

 

The counselor I finally wound up with was another trans person (FtM) and when it came time for hormones, he referred me to a prescribing physician (an MD) that was also a trans person (MtF). I happened to be extremely fortunate to have connected with these professionals that truly understood what I was going through, because they had also lived it themselves. And I never would have met them in the first place, and I would never have been helped, had I never tried. So trying is worth it. And your own self-care is so worth it. Your sanity and health are so worth it.  

 

About men... what AllieJ wrote earlier today (a few posts before this one) is absolutely right. She wrote:

 

Many trans women think they are attracted to men, but when they actually go with a man, it doesn't feel right. This is because they weren't really attracted to the man, but wanted the affirmation of being a woman that being with a man can bring.

 

In my own case, many years ago I had sex with men (just some experimentation among friends) but found that I really liked it the best when I was on the bottom, as a woman would generally be. I loved that! Really gave me some food for thought, because being trans at that point (I had never even heard of it then) was not occupying my thoughts 24/7. Although I did know I was different by about age 4, but being isolated and without any guidance did not know what to even make of it all as I grew up. Very confusing to be socialized as a male, and bombarded with testosterone beginning with puberty, while having a conflicting female gender inside the whole time!

 

I would like to try being with men again but as it was so long ago, I don't really know how I will feel about it now until I try it. No harm in trying though! ☺️

 

I think I'm bisexual because I have also been with women and was also married to a woman for years (while I was in deep denial over being trans) but that sex was all great, too - and not just because of any affirmation of being male while I was in denial. Because my focus is far, far more on my partner than myself.

 

I hope everything works out in the best way that it can for you. Please do not let fear stop you from finding happiness.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...
On 6/23/2023 at 11:38 PM, Stephanie Possibly said:

Why is it so exciting and scary all at once?

I get this so so much. I'm so glad you've started feeling better about all of this stuff. I know many people have responded and these posts are somewhat older by now, but I just want to say some stuff.

You don't need to feel guilty for being attracted to men at all. You're not ruining, or taking anything away from, anyone else by transitioning. And please don't feel guilty for not having done it yet. It is a terrifying thing, and I know for me as well, something that feels like it should be pushed down & like you can't talk about / learn about / look into transitioning or it will happen. And I get how bad that can feel. But it makes me so happy to read you say you'll book that appointment.

I hope it has all gone well for you ❤️

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 78 Guests (See full list)

    • awkward-yet-sweet
    • MaybeRob
    • Susan R
    • Ashley0616
    • Betty K
    • Stefi
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...