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Undeveloped (bi)sexuality because of gender dysphoria? How to figure out?


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Alright, so I consider myself to be nonbinary, possible male aligned, but for the context, Id have to say im afab.


For the longest time, I thought I was asexual. The idea of being sexually interacted with, with my female sex characteristics involved made me literally anxious. Sex? No never. This made the idea of partnered sex totally undesirable and thus did I never liked anyone in that way. Or at least, I never noticed. The idea of people being sexually attracted to me, seeing me as a girl was just gross to me. Hence why I thought I was asexual. Though, it could have been (sexual) gender dysphoria.


Until I saw a girl on tiktok some weeks ago, she was good-looking. I got quite intensily physically aroused, mentally I was too confused. Now, I know from myself that sometimes non-sexual emotions can trigger some sensations down there as well, but not that intense. Only clear sexual content has done that to me. Maybe there were other factors at play? To test, I asked myself if I would like to have sex with her. My answer was no. Would I if I were to be physically more male? My answer was "maybe yeah". *uh okay?* So lets say, I tried to explore the thought by fantasizing and well, me being amab definitely made it more appealling as an idea to do that with her. Few days later, I had this with another girl. My attraction feels straight? At least not gay. Never thought I would be possible for me to like girls, ever. No really, before all that, when looking at girls id get second hand dysphoria ("look at her chest/hips/waist/etc if I were to have that, I would totally hate it!!"). Maybe there was just no room for attraction? 


I may not be ace anymore, but still consider myself to be aro-spec. I believe to have liked a guy romantically before, 4 years ago. Greyromantic seems to fit. The one and only crush ive gotten this far. Though, I was never able to imagine my physical form romancing with him. Always used someone else as a stand-in for myself. When imagining myself, it all become strictly platonic. Was I actually not romantically attracted to him, or was it subconciously gender dysphoria at play? I wasnt questioning my gender back then yet, so who knows. Tbh, I thought this attraction was even "confirming" I was a girl as "girls are supposed to like boys." Hetero relationship were totally considered normal ofc, but still, it felt off. It felt "shamefull" to like this guy. Ive had platonic and/or aesthetic interests in guys too. So yeah I can say I find some men to be aesthetically attractive. 


Now, my greyromantism could explain my overal lack of romantic attraction. Though, given ive still liked a guy romantically before, I believe there should be a high chance of me being able to like them sexually too. I know cross-orientations exist, but would that really be me? For some reason, the idea of finding myself being sexually attracted to men, feels really "forbidden". But it also makes me dysphoric cuz I keep having these "if you like men, it will make you a girl" or "ur way too feminine to ever be the same gender as men". Now, the latter could possibly be my nonbinary-ism at play.


Ive tried to imagine myself as amab as well in sexual sitatuations with sillhoutes of male presenting folks. Here comes the other problem, even when I imagine myself being amab (at least I can imagine myself in a sexual situation while being amab, when I imagine myself as afab, my brain just cannot picture it at all without going just "nuh-uh") it feels kinda icky to imagine myself with another amab. Maybe I just dislike it because im unfamilair with penises? I know from myself I hate unfamilairity. Not sure how to feel abt ppl doing something with my butthole or doing something with theirs. I know some trans folks still use their original equipment, tho it still makes me kinda insecure, unless my partner would be trans as well, maybe? Maybe im experiencing this because im still insecure in my gender and/or body? I understand genital preferences exist and that genitals dont equal someone's gender, though ive also seen some ppl basing their orientation off the genitals they like, so idk if this says smth abt my orientation.


So yeah, was/is anyone in a familair situations? Does anyone know how to figure all of this out? Thanks alot 🙂

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First off, many transgender people struggle with sexuality and what it means to them - same as for cis-gender people. One thing you could do, if just for now, is ditch the labels, don't put yourself into any specific boxes. Let yourself breathe a bit, it is Ok to be unsure.

The exploration of your gender identity is also good, and Ok to be unsure of. Just bear in mind there are three parts to this:

Your genetic birth body gender, your inner gender conception of self, and your sexuality.  It is very easy to confuse and mix these; but they are not necessarily related.

Many people, especially transgender people, struggle with how their sexuality should look or work. But, there really is no right and wrong to it.  Who you are attracted to does not define your gender.

Your inner gender conception is as real as it gets. You are what your brain says you are, even if you are unsure, unclear, or not settled on that yet. Be patient, and do not rely on any "should be" thinking. (Some people are perfectly Ok with their genitalia, others not so much!) It is Ok to be YOU.

So "allow" yourself to like who you like, and know that for many transgender people that means that while they are presenting or conceived as their birth sex, they would not even want a relationship with a specific person, but if they were considered the opposite gender, than they would. 

Transgender people, as the saying goes, play life on hard mode. Be patient, forgiving, and aware that a huge majority of us go through all this and nobody gets it "right" or "wrong."

You are not alone.

Sabrina. (Yeah, I changed it a little)

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You just have to really think about who you like. I'm trans woman but I still find women more beautiful than guys are. I guess I could say that I am a lesbian and I am ok with that. I'm glad that I wasn't confused on who I like and who knows maybe when I'm on hormones it might change things. Just take it day by day and thought by thought. You don't have to rush into decisions. There's plenty of time. Hugs

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Gender and sexuality seem to be multi-faceted and have a complex relationship with each other.  IDK how one might figure it out without actually...you know...going in for some experiences. 


I'm AFAB, and until recently I considered myself a lesbian.  But that has changed as I discovered both my unique intersex anatomy and my preference to present androgynously or male.  I got married a couple of years ago, and when I discovered some of my real nature, my relationship with my husband has been enhanced.  Something I experience better in my boy form than I did in my girl form.  So perhaps I was always bisexual and didn't know it, or perhaps my desire for my husband is greater now that the experience is not a heterosexual one.  Who knows? 


Hopefully if you give it time, you'll figure it out.

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  • 1 month later...

I agree with Sabine on the part about not getting too label happy yet. Give yourself time to be you with less words more action and feelings, liking the things around you first before stamping it so boldly with font. Try to enjoy and explore the people around you in whatever form they be, as well as yourself to the best of your abilities. Also safety first.

I'm AFAB, but at a young age felt I should have been a boy, now the feeling is more both then one or the other. Wasn't very much a people person, but at a young age was aware that it didn't matter what the others' gender was, was more the amount of time spent with another person that was more significant in regards to how much affection was felt towards that other person. I still do have interests and desires in physical things that can cause moments of arousal, but love like nature isn't straight forward (I'd say it's more curvy, kinda leans a bit.). You've got the chemical components, physical senses, and mental landscape, everybody's different and there isn't a cookie cutter formula that just helps figure it out. Like salmon going up stream you just have to feel the world out and use your tools nature gave you, stay sharp cuz things change. Words take time to learn, but they don't make people who they are or who they will be, that's all time. So be kind to yourself and the people around you. Let flowers bloom, you only get one life. Spend too much time defining things you'll miss the time you could have spent enjoy the gift of the moment.

However, if you must with the words, take notes, keep a journal/diary (cypher it if at all possible or password lock it) where you rate everything on a scale of 0-10, be your own scientist and research yourself before jumping to conclusions. So when time comes and you're talking to the Doc, you've got the paperwork ready for them.

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