Just wondering what other girls around my age hear from friends

[ChloeL]

Hey all I'm I'm Chloé and I'm 19 and have felt very lucky to have found this forum and have had some very welcoming words and advice already!

 

I'm just wondering if there are many girls around my age on here as I really want to know what kind of acceptance you've been getting from people around you.  I work as a barista (make coffee at a kiosk) and when I started I was already presenting myself as Chloé but still had my male legal name though I've changed it since, but the people I worked with (girls and a few guys) are almost all around my age and have all been really cool about it.  But they've told me a few of their parents found out and were not so cool.

 

With my own parents also not accepting the new me, are other girls (and guys) around here generally seeing the same thing?  Or is it just my circle?  I really find just about everyone around my age totally accepts me as Chloé but people in their 40s/50s, men especially just have problems with me if they find out I'm trans and for reasons that make no sense.  Is this just me or is it a generational thing?

[GlitchedSalvation]

not a girl, and a bit younger, but most people are rather accepting. Of course, there are the exceptions, but normally it's because they're younger and raised in a way that they don't understand. Sorry about how things have been going for you, hope it looks up.

[ChloeL]

Sorry I made a bad assumption about the gender of people on here, but I do appreciate the advice!

 

I really think this is a generational thing but I really hope our generation is going to set things right about the way acceptance should be.  But I really worry the older generation who are "in charge" of the rules right now are going to make things harder for us before things get any easier.

[GlitchedSalvation]

4 hours ago, ChloeL said:

Sorry I made a bad assumption about the gender of people on here, but I do appreciate the advice!

 

I really think this is a generational thing but I really hope our generation is going to set things right about the way acceptance should be.  But I really worry the older generation who are "in charge" of the rules right now are going to make things harder for us before things get any easier.

yeah, but looking at how gen z is, it shouldn't take TOO long for things to change. There's hope!

[Roach]

Hey Chloé! I will admit, while there will always be people starting trouble, regardless of age, in my personal experience I've noticed the vast majority of younger folks either accept me or simply don't care enough to comment on it. Meanwhile, people from around my parents' generation typically are more likely to mention something or start acting awkward around me. Even if they're well-intentioned, they sometimes end up saying disrespectful things. Of course, I've also found wonderful and accepting people in that age range, but I am definitely more on my guard around them.

 

On 4/28/2023 at 2:09 PM, ChloeL said:

are other girls (and guys) around here generally seeing the same thing?  Or is it just my circle?

I don't have any advice or grand conclusions, but I've seen similar things in my circle as well. I'd like to stay positive and think in 10-20 years things will be much easier for trans or gender-nonconforming people. But who knows.

 

Somewhat off-topic, but your job sounds cool! Hope being a barista is going well for you.

[Roach]

Sorry, wanted to add a bit more. Also not a girl, so I hope it's alright I'm responding here lol.

 

On 4/28/2023 at 2:09 PM, ChloeL said:

but the people I worked with (girls and a few guys) are almost all around my age and have all been really cool about it.  But they've told me a few of their parents found out and were not so cool.

This reminds me that a LOT of people I know have similar trouble with their parents. It's a common joke that "you and your deadname are two separate people now." Instead of explaining that someone's now presenting differently, they just pretend they've met another person in order to refer to someone correctly to their parents.

 

We also often talk about if it's alright to disclose things to other people: For example, one of my friends who's a trans guy said he doesn't care if I mention stuff about him to other people (for example, talking about him getting top surgery).

 

Meanwhile, one of my friends is mostly closeted, and said I should under NO CIRCUMSTANCES mention their preferred name or give ANY implication that they're not cis to anyone back home. This is due to their parents being extremely traditional and my friend feeling very unsafe if their parents ever found out. So, I use their old name and pronouns (even when talking to people that would be supportive) while I'm in that town.

 

Glad your coworkers are being cool! Hope nobody is causing you any trouble, you don't deserve that.

[ChloeL]

Hey there Roach, thanks for your response.

 

I do love being a barista, especially for the loyal customers who are so cool.  I do have some tg friends who are going through the same problems with their parents, I just can't understand why people act that way.

 

Yeah one guy in particular who found out about me has caused some trouble but he hasn't been around in a few weeks and we are not supposed to serve him if he shows up.  Some people just don't get it.  One of my female co-workers said he was probably bad because he was so attracted to me before he found out lol. Some people!

 

Hey I appreciate everyone's support, I really hope our generation clears this mess up a bit!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Hello, @ChloeL ☺️   I'm a bit older than you (early 30's) but I have friends who are a bit younger and through my husband's teaching, I'm in contact with a number of teenagers.  Also not really a girl, although I was AFAB.  But I've noticed some of the same things as you...the older generations have more issues with trans girls than the younger generations.  I don't really want anybody to be "in charge" of the rules, as I mostly disagree with everybody.  I just want the rules to go away so we all can live how we want to live. 

 

Contrary to what some might think, rural red-state religious areas aren't a death sentence for trans folks.  My area is about as Trumpy as it gets, but we have the culture of liberty and being decent neighbors is more important than acting a certain way to "fit in." 

 

I suspect the biggest problem is the dating scene.  I'm married, and I came out as intersex/trans after marriage. ..which probably eased my search.  My partners (yes, I'm in a plural marriage) accept me.  But my slightly-younger, beautiful, eligible, marriage-minded friend has found it difficult if not impossible to find a partner.  Especially a male partner.  She'd like to have a husband, but even the most open-minded under-35 guys around here generally don't want to be with a trans girl.  There's a big difference between social tolerance, friendship, and romantic intimacy.  At age 19, a lack of that can definitely hurt.  At that age, I still wasn't dating due to my fears and orientation, and the loneliness was crushing. 

 

Given the generation gap in tolerance, if you find a good relationship you still might have to deal with your partner's parents.  My husband is in his 30's, just slightly older than me.  The parents?  60's/70's.  I hear no end of disapproving comments from my husband's mother about my un-ladylike behaviors.   That said, as a doctor she's hired my aforementioned trans friend to be a nurse at the county clinic.  Apparently prejudices don't extend to the level of barring a competent professional from equal treatment in employment. 

 

I think that because we're in a transition socially, things are going to be a bit confusing for the next 10-20 years.  I hope you find a comfortable life, a place where you're accepted, and somebody (or multiple somebodies) to love you and be loved by you.  💜

 

 

 

 

[ChloeL]

Thanks @awkward-yet-sweet.  Yeah I know the issue is more complicated than what I've seen in my limited exposure to it, and I guess it's all about what certain people grew up with.  But I can't help noticing the awesome acceptance I've had with my co-workers and friends around my age as the subject being no big deal compared to the opinions of some of the parents of people I've known, and the experiences of those who I've met who are older.  

 

I was lucky that I had a boyfriend in high school when I was still pretty androgynous who was completely cool with my feminine side and even his parents called me his girlfriend even though they knew my situation.  So I'm definitely not claiming it's everyone, just more common among those who are older.

 

I just try to be myself and never make any apologies for bringing out the real me and hope that everyone can see that I was truly meant to be the happy girl they see everyday!  😀

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@ChloeL I'm glad that you've had mostly good experiences so far, and even found a partner in high school.  I hope things continue to go well 😊

[Charlize]

Things certainly have changed for the better over my lifetime.  Even as a boomer I think my generation has helped improve the rights of others.  After all we no longer have overt segregation.  We can all drink out of the same water fountain and find a motel where we can sleep when traveling.   There is pushback.  Politicians and the right have always used division as a political weapon.  I can’t help but be optimistic.  I know other trans folks now!  We simply didn’t exist publicly in the 60’s or 70’s

This old grandma sees hope

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[ChloeL]

I had an interesting conversation with someone on this subject a few days ago, and it really made me think about something I hadn't.  This person is the mother to one of my co-workers, and I happen to run into her at a mall and she pulled me aside and said she wanted to talk.

 

She had said something to me a few months ago that was a bit insulting.  I won't use her language but she was basically asking if I had male genitals.  She said she'd been thinking about and it she realized that really wasn't the right thing to say to me, but she admitted she was really shocked to find out I was transgender, and she admitting she really didn't know how to react to it.  it was confusing and something she didn't understand, so she just blurted out the first thing she thought of.  She was very sweet about it and told me she thought I was very pretty and was one of her daughter's best girlfriends and the more she thought about it, the more she respected what I have done.

 

That really made me feel good and made me think that for the older generation, maybe that's a big part of it, they just don't know how to deal with it, especially those of us who are starting our transition in our teens.  Is that possible, people just don't know how to react so they react in the wrong way?

 

Just something that made me think.

[Tilly]

On 5/11/2023 at 8:14 PM, ChloeL said:

Sorry I made a bad assumption about the gender of people on here, but I do appreciate the advice!

 

I really think this is a generational thing but I really hope our generation is going to set things right about the way acceptance should be.  But I really worry the older generation who are "in charge" of the rules right now are going to make things harder for us before things get any easier.

 

Just want to come in on this Chloe even though I'm not your age bracket because I think there's something important to share.

 

When I transitioned about 10 yrs ago my then girlfriend's daughters were in their teens. And they made my life hell. I mean, absolute hell on earth. To the point where I was on my way to walk in front of a train. Someone stopped me.

 

My own daughter, same age, wasn't a whole lot more supportive although my nieces - all in their late teens - were great.

 

Nowadays my daughter - 30 - is pretty relaxed with me but then she does say that my views on this and everything else 'Are soooo GenZ' which she thinks is cool  

 

My late mother, at least to my face, was accepting and very sweet.

 

I guess my former girlfriend's daughter are millenials so maybe that's a slight difference? They are still to this day incredibly hostile and I won't go near their house where they still live with their mum. Her mum was passive aggressive about my transitioning which, in some ways, was even worse.

 

Moral of this from my take? Yes there are some absolutely appalling boomer generations (mostly males?) who are little short of evil. Stuck in their blind ways and stirring up 'anti-woke' hatred.

 

But sadly it doesn't totally follow that all of your GenZ's and millenials are quite as accepting as all that. At least not in my experience.

 

It will change. I saw all this with my older gay brother who went through hell on earth and eventually the world came around.

 

Oh and on that subject? It's a very western cultural backlash at the moment. I had both my trans ops in Thailand which is SOOOOOOOOOOO accepting. I loved living out there and to be honest I may go back and live there again. They're  very used to 'third' genders and more and although that raises its own issues they are at least very aware of gender fluidity and, frankly, they don't give a .... One of their favourite expressions is 'why not?'

 

Sorry to gatecrash your thread to people your age but I wanted to share how I've experienced it.

 

Oh one last anecdote. I was teaching English in a classroom - mixed - when one of the girls about 16 said 'oh wow, do you do your own nails?' which started an avalanche of questions from the other girls fascinated to know how I lived my life, whether I wear dresses out, what I wear at home etc. etc. The boys just looked on bemused. 

 

 

[ChloeL]

I know it's not everybody in each generation that feels a certain way, just seems the older generation in general don't understand what transgender is as much as people closer to my age, but a lot has to do with the person themselves of course.

[VickySGV]

Considering that one of the first Science Based books on the subject of Transgender People for the general population was only published in 1966 by Dr. Harry Benjamin M.D. whose work was the foundation for the current World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) and its Standards Of Care (SOC) now in its 8th updated version, yes those of us in the Boomer generation were under-informed on the subject when we were your age.  I was 18 when The Transsexual Phenomena , Benjamin's book, was published, and even my Health and Behavioral Sciences classes in college the next 4 years, really never touched on the subject.  Our big ticket issues at that time involved the Viet Nam War and Civil Rights Movements for both Black and Hispanic populations although the historic Compton's Cafeteria and Cooper's Donuts Riots involving Trans and CD streetworkers came up in the late 60's.  The AIDS Epidemic and Gay and Lesbian rights would be several years in the future from those issues. 

 

I have a 19 year old grandchild who is Trans so I have some perspective.  She (my granddaughter) is the beneficiary of my having come out and her parents having learned that Trans is a possibility for their child (and their parents) that is normal and if not expected still something that does not destroy lives in and of itself.  I cut the surprise element for them and they have learned that they as parents have little to fear from their their peers where we live and from their own professions, and thus acceptance is more their norm for them being parents.  That said, what I have observed is that people with whom we have more casual relations, such as frequent customers in a business are frankly not even bothering to try and see the "weirdo's", but our families who have known us still are afraid of us and their image and what their peers are going to think of them.  As more and more people get the picture that we are a normal and readily includeable part of society and not the circus freaks or sex perverts they have previously been taught about, we will have an easier time being who we really are. 

[Charlize]

3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

what I have observed is that people with whom we have more casual relations, such as frequent customers in a business are frankly not even bothering to try and see the "weirdo's", but our families who have known us still are afraid of us and their image and what their peers are going to think of them

I was worried about how my family would be affected by my transition.  I know it was hard for them but time and the increased visibility of trans folks has certainly removed much of that "circus" freak aspect of transition.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize