Coming out

[Rowantheboat]

Hello everyone! My name is Rowan. I'm a 17 year old trans male and I'm coming on here today to talk about coming out to my family.

I'm extremely scared to do it. My father is transphobic and homophobic.  My mom (who I thought would be my biggest support) does want "a daughter with a d*ck".

My brother has said if I were a man, he'd hurt me. I haven't asked my sister on her opinion yet but I feel she'd be supportive. I'm scared to be disowned, I'm scared to be abandoned by my family because of my gender identity. I'm looking for any advice anyone has. I feel like having a bit of guidance from other trans people would do me some good.

[GlitchedSalvation]

Well, sometimes it's not the safest option. If you're scared of being thrown out or hurt, you might want to wait until you have a legal escape, like you could wait until you're 18 and can just move out. If you think it's safe, go ahead, and know you'll have support. But with these fears your best option is probably to wait it out.

[Rianon]

Hello, Rowan

 

And welcome! You've come to a good place for advice. I'm sure you'll get plenty. I won't attempt to give any of my own. I'm ancient compared to you, almost prehistoric! 😊 Besides, my parents had both died before my own true identity began howling, Let me out! So, I was spared the tough conversations you're facing.

 

I wish you success and a good life, and say, Pull up a comfy chair, Rowan, and make yourself at home!

 

Cheers!

Rianon

[Vidanjali]

Hi & welcome here @Rowantheboat . To clarify, is it the case that you have already told your father, mother & brother? Or were you just feeling them out by asking how they stand hypothetically? What's stopping you from telling your sister if you feel she'd be supportive? 

 

Other things to think about. Is it important for your family to know? If so, how would that improve your situation? If you've gotten negative response so far even if you were just asking them what they think theoretically, please consider your safety and well being - especially considering what your brother suggested. Yes, you deserve to be your true self & you deserve to be happy and have support in your life. The hard pill to swallow is that support may not necessarily come from the people you most want it from. However, many of us have seen miracles in the form of friends and family coming around to accept and embrace who we are. I can testify to that, myself. That can take time, though, and a lot of patience, refection & effort. 

 

If you truly feel your sister is trustworthy, then consider confiding in her just so you can have the relief of someone in your household seeing you for who you are. Waiting to turn 18 may seem an eternity when you yearn to be free to be yourself, but you will have much more agency to make choices for yourself. 

[Jackie C.]

Hey sweetie and welcome!

 

You're not actually that far from me. I'm more active in Ferndale (I'm in Livonia), but I've got friends down that way (AA and Ypsi) too.

 

While I'd love to assure you that your parents won't disown you, it happens. It happened to me. It happened to the lovely young people at the shelter. On the plus side, we've got resources here to take care of minors who have been dispossessed by their families and I've got contacts in that community as well. There is a safety net. It isn't perfect, but it absolutely exists.

 

So, about coming out: That's on you. How bad is your dysphoria? I can tell you that I was inches away from ending myself before I came out, but I grew up in a different world.

Is there a way you can come out at school but not at home? I know people who waited to come out until college. Honestly, from a medical transistion standpoint sooner is better, but it it's not safe, you shouldn't come out. Safety first. I came out to my father by letter because I was legitimately concerned that he'd kill me if I did it in person. Weirdly, he was OK with it, it's my egg-donor that lost her mind. Sometimes you just can't tell.

 

Anyway, my point. Be safe first and foremost. You're a minor, so you're in a difficult position. Make sure you have support in place before you do anything that you can't take back. As for family... being disowned isn't the worst thing in the world. My found family is much, much better and more supportive than the one I started with. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you. The people who really love you will accept you for who your really are. The ones who only offer conditional love? Those people you're better off without.

 

Feel free to contact me if you need to talk. I might be able to set some things up with other kids your age if you give me a minute to make some phone calls and I'm SURE Affirmations has at least one youth group you could join. Schedule permitting, I'll drive you myself.

 

Hugs!