Coming Out to my Wife

[EllieD]

In a bit of a tizzy right now after coming out as Trans to my wife earlier today.

 

She was supportive, but is clearly quite upset, so I've spent the entire day since terrified I've made a huge mistake.

 

 We've decided to let her have the day to think on things then we can have a proper talk tomorrow.

She's had a tough time in the past and I feel awful that I've essentially dropped this bomb on her from nowhere.

 

I'm not sure how it'll go in the longterm, but she's said that she wants to support me. I just hate that I made her cry. It's something I vowed I would never do and it's eating me up.

 

Anyway, I just needed to get something out.

[Amy2023]

I wanted to commend you for having the courage to tell your wife about you feel inside. I do however wish that I could tell you it gets better from experience, because that I can’t do. I’ve tried bringing up the idea to my wife years ago, and she was extremely upset, and ultimately she didn’t want to see it, so I had to put in a pretty little box on the shelf and only be me when she wasn’t around. I know it needs to be brought up again because I can’t box these feelings up anymore. I however am concerned she won’t understand and won’t accept it. Others on here can tell you that it worked out for them, and I’m sure once they see this they will start sharing their experiences. The best advice I can give you, is to stay hopeful. If it’s meant to work out, it will. 

[Rianon]

I feel for you, Ellie. This has been a tough day, for both you and your wife. I've no sage advice. All I can do is hope that tomorrow you'll be able to have that proper talk. If you've a moment, and if it feels like an okay thing to do, let us know how tomorrow goes. I'll be thinking about you. ––Rianon

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ellie.  Welcome to Trans Pulse!

 

It takes a lot of courage and integrity to have that conversation.  Good for you for having it!  I take it as a positive sign that she wants to be supportive.  I hope that, when you have a more detailed conversation, that spark of hope will blossom into a positive relationship going forward.

 

My wife was surprised, but she, too, said that she would be supportive.  That was seven years ago and we are still together, so it can work out.

[Mmindy]

Good evening Ellie, welcome to TransPulseForums.

 

My wife did not react supportive at first. She claimed to be a supporter of the LGBTQIA community, until I came out to her. Then there were conditions to her support. As bad as it was two years ago, we're still together, and we're having the best open and honest conversations now. She attended a few of my therapy sessions but doesn't attend or ask about them any more. I'm glad you're giving your wife time to process your coming out. Hopefully tomorrow will be comforting for the two of you, as you lay out your feelings. Be sure to let her finish her comments before you try to answer.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and loving.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[EllieD]

Thank you all for the kind words. 🥰

 

It's been a weird evening and we had a bit more of a talk when she went to bed.

She laid out some of her fears and we talked a bit. We both had a few bubbly moments as well, but it felt like there was a little bit of catharsis from it.

 

We're going to talk some more tomorrow and hopefully we can move forward together.

[April Marie]

Hi, Ellie, and welcome to the forums!! I was in a similar position with my wife 4 months ago - and there were times that I wished I could take it all back. It took a lot of honest and open discussion, tears and laughter but we are now in a very good place and committed to each other forever. It can work out - you can both find joy and peace. But, you have to be totally honest and patient. 

 

I hope it all works out for you and your wife as it did for us. It can.

[Ashley0616]

@EllieD any update on how she is handling it? My third wife said she would support me but that went like a see saw for a few days. She eventually said she couldn't do it. I found another woman who has accepted me for me. I have even talked to her grandma and she even called me daughter. I'm hoping things will work out. 

[EllieD]

So thought it might be a good time for an update on where things ended up with us.

I spent the best part of a year "exploring" my female side in the safety of the house, mostly just through clothing and very light make-up (Mostly nail polish). My Wife seemed fine with it all, but that changed last summer where she revealed that she wasn't coping with it well at all.

So after pushing it to the back of my head since then, while we trying to see if we could make it work, we've come to the conclusion that it's not working anymore.

So we'll be splitting up. Which sucks.

But on the other hand it only confirms how I was feeling. When she told me that it was over there was a not insubstantial part of me that was happy, as that meant I now had no excuses. Nothing to really hold me back from pursuing what I need to.

With that in mind I know what my next conversation with my therapist is going to be about. It definitely feels like one chapter is ending, but that I'm at the beginning of something amazing as well.

I'm still taking it slowly though, but as soon as I've gotten my self settled wherever I end up I'm going to look to pursue a legitimate transition.

 

[April Marie]

I'm sorry that it hasn't worked out with your wife. I'm sure that it's difficult for you both.

 

Taking it easy as you work through what transition will look like with your therapist seems prudent to me. There will be a lot of details to work through as well as planning how and when you'll come out and to whom. 

 

Best wishes as you move forward!!

[MaeBe]

Just now, EllieD said:

It definitely feels like one chapter is ending, but that I'm at the beginning of something amazing as well.

The ending of something can be very sad. It reads like there's been some time since the breakup and that you've been able to get through the initial emotions of it. I wish you the very best of luck starting on your new, authentic, chapter!

[KathyLauren]

@EllieD, I am sorry to hear that you and your wife will be splitting up.  That can't be easy.

 

But, you have to be who you are, and it sounds like you are well aware of that.  I wish you well on your journey forward.

[EllieD]

Thanks folks.

 

The final breakup was only a week ago and we're on good terms, so we're still living together for now till we can sell the house. I'm sure we can be friends somewhere down the line as well.

But I knew it was coming. For the past few months we'd been trying to figure it out, so when that final "I can't do this anymore" came I wasn't surprised. I'd been expecting it.

I'm not planning on rushing ahead though. Need to have a good conversation with my therapist and try and really figure out some stuff before committing to any plan of action.

I am so excited though. Eeeek!

[KayC]

1 hour ago, EllieD said:

My Wife seemed fine with it all, but that changed last summer where she revealed that she wasn't coping with it well at all.

I'm so sorry to hear your relationship with your wife has ended this way. 

 

Your storyline is very much like mine, where I was 'allowed' to live a cloistered life of dressing at home (in private) but she never came around.  She held on to hope that I would eventually 'return' to be the person I never actually was.  And I felt the need to continue to make progress.  But it took a long time and there were some very dark periods of dysphoria.  I knew I could not stay in that state of mind.

We are still married but geographically and emotionally estranged at this point.  I have let go of the hope of any change on her part. 

 

But, much as you, I chose my Well-Being over being somebody I am not.  I regret the outcome wrt my wife but aside from that I am the HAPPIEST I have ever been in my life and I am building a new life and new friendships/Community.

It is possible, Ellie.  Deep Breaths ... One step at a time

[Heather Shay]

Hi Elolie,

It was extremely brave and a huge thing you've been able to do. Remeber you've been living with this for most likely a long time and have gone through many things and she is just starting, so be patient, have compassion and let her go through what she needs to go through. There are no guarantees, but if she means a lot to you, keep giving her room to digest what your journey means to you and how much she means to you. Help her adjust and if she seems to sway wanting to move on, that does not mean it is going to happen. Hang in there, the stages of grief can take quite a while. Your personal journey is not an easy one but when you've come through some really tough things to go through, you'll be happier than you can igamine. You'll be able to handle it,I know you can. If you don't have a therapist, I suggest you find one, try to find one who has LGBTQ+ experience if possible. Also encourage you to encourage her to seek another therapist so she has an outlet to talk to someone who can help guide her. In my case, that turned out to be THE best thing that helped both of us stay together and I am forever thankful.