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Why such a big target?


Sally Stone

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I do my best to ignore the rhetoric, hate, and marginalization directed towards us, but there are days when I simply want to crawl into a hole to avoid it all.  To date, I haven't actually descended into a hole and instead, I find myself wondering why we have such a big target on our backs.  It's not like we are bad people.  In fact, most of us just want to go through life being who we want to be, living in the skin that makes us most comfortable.  

 

Maybe it's an epiphany of sorts, maybe I've just climbed out from under my proverbial rock, but it's obvious we are a big target because bullies just love the ones who don't fight back.  They feel empowered when they can direct their vitriol at someone knowing that someone won't fight back.  I remember back when I was in junior high.  I was bullied terribly by a pair of classmates for nearly two years.  They both identified me as an easy target because I wouldn't stand up for myself.  I chose to be nonconfrontational.  But two-years is a long time to be bullied and finally, when I couldn't take it any more, I beat the snot out of one of those two bullies.  I only stood up to one of them but they both got my message and neither ever bothered me again.  It just goes to show that bullies are generally nothing more than blowhards and when they realize you are willing to stand up to them, they back down, or they go find someone weaker to prey on.

 

What we are dealing with these days is no different.  Our desire to be left alone, to live quietly without having to be confrontational, unfortunately, has sent the wrong message and made us easy targets.  Okay, I am in no way advocating violence here.  I'm not saying the way to take back our lives we have to punch our detractors in the nose.  What I am saying however, is we need a stronger collective voice.  A voice that delivers the message: "Don't f*** with us.  It's all a matter of having a collective voice that drowns out the bullies. 

 

For most of us, I know our trans situation, our intense desire to fly under the radar, often prevents us from speaking out.  Unfortunately, this is not "the way."  I'm pretty certain that if we want the rhetoric, the hate, and the marginalization to stop, we have to be the ones to step up and make it stop.  Waiting for anyone else to do it for us, is going to a very long wait.       

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I agree wholeheartedly with what you say, @Sally Stone.  Even regarding bullies, I have my own similar experience.  In 9th grade I was in Agriculture Class, and a strong, tall bully starting throwing dirt clods at me.  No reason, I was just a small, weak, easy target.  One day I had had enough, and I walked up to him and told him to stop.  He grabbed my shirt and literally lifted me off the ground.  I didn't flinch, didn't back down, looked him in the eye and told him off in colorful language.  I didn't pop him, but I think he knew I would.  He never bothered me again.

 

Anyway, concerning our trans troubles, the problem isn't just bullies, although that's a big part of it.  it's also the whole political climate, with the far right "base," conspiracy theorists, bloggers, pundits and politicians needing reasons for why things aren't like the mythical "good old days," which they long for.  We are different, easily identifiable (not in just in terms of physical presence, but b/c we also have symbols), and small in numbers.  We, along with Jews, Muslims, homosexuals, even Blacks, are easily "othered."

 

Those are many of the same groups, along with Gypsies, mentally challenged and physically deformed peoples whom the Nazis targeted.  Things won't turn out the same - America is not the same culture, and the players are not the murderous thugs and fascists of the 1930's & 1940's; but there are similar elements.

 

That is why we have to fight like hell politically and in the courts to keep the bullies at bay.  We have an uphill climb, but we will succeed in the long run.  I have to believe that.

 

Sorry for the long rant.

 

Carolyn Marie

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@Sally Stone  We do actually have some folks out in "The Jungle" doing some fighting in ways that do not leave physical injury to be cleaned up, but rather with good service to our communities and the ones who could be hurt badly in both our Trans and Cis friends.  I and another Staff member  here are members of community service organizations, which are doing effective work in legal assistance and community information and entertainment positions.  Participating at your local level in organizations that work with community leaders is a lot of fun and gives the bullies more opposition than they expect.  I have got three cities to cover this year for Pride Proclamation Presentations that let the citizens of those cities know that their elected leaders consider us to be real and HONORABLE members of the community (not to mention that we VOTE as well.).  There is much we can do that is low stress and just some handshaking and being present to remind leaders of our humanity is often successful.   

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"Those are many of the same groups, along with Romany peoples, mentally challenged and physically deformed peoples whom the unhealthy politics targeted".

 

Looking from a distance that's what I am seeing. The former president's rallies looked eerily similar to the unhealthy politics Rallies, pre war. 

It's the same principle - blame them they are different. Hate hate hate! seems to be the policy atm, and not just in the US. 

 

MaybeRob

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But with work and two teenage boys in the house, getting to be Sally was a challenge.    The biggest issue in this regard were my sons, as they didn’t know about my feminine side.  My wife and I discussed, in great detail, whether or not to tell them.  If they had known about Sally, it would have been much easier to actually be Sally when I wanted to.  But I still didn’t know exactly where my transgender journey was going to take me, and this uncertainty was the primary reason my wife and I decided it wasn’t the right time to tell them about Sally.  Except for the convenience it would afford me, we didn’t think it was fair to burdened them with such a sensitive family secret if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.  If at some point things changed and it looked like I might be heading towards transition, my wife and I agreed we would revisit our decision.   Despite having to tiptoe around the boys I was able, with my wife often running interference for me, to significantly increase my girl time.  The nature of my variable work schedule meant that often days off occurred during the week when the boys were in school, and on those days, I took full advantage of the time.  Additionally, I had discovered a new trans friend through a local support group, and my wife, ever and always accommodating, ensured I had time for outings with my new friend.    Willa, my new friend, quickly became my best friend, and after only a short time, she and my wife became quite close as well.  With Willa’s help, I would soon discover that Pittsburgh was a very trans friendly city.  Together, she and I made the town our own.  We attended the theater, the symphony, we went out to dinner regularly, and I think we visited every museum in the city.  With Willa’s support and friendship, I was actually becoming quite the girl about town.    Willa and I had a lot in common.  We loved to shop, we had similar feminine styles, and we had similar views and feelings about being trans.  In fact, our frequent and deep discussions about transgender issues helped me begin to understand my transgender nature.  Having Willa as a springboard for all topics transgender, was probably as effective as regularly visiting a therapist.  I would never discount anyone’s desire to seek professional help, but having an unbiased confidant, can also be an effective method for self-discovery.    Exploring the city as Sally and spending time with Willa was instrumental in helping me understand my transgender nature, and would begin shaping my transgender objective.  My feelings about the kind of girl I was and where I wanted to go began to solidify.  Being out and socializing as Sally in a big city like Pittsburgh, taught me I could express my femininity without issue.  I honestly felt confident I could live my life as a woman; however, remaining completely objective, I just couldn’t see giving up the life I’d built as a man.   At that time, I was being heavily influenced by the concept of the gender binary, which had me thinking I had to choose between being a man or being a woman.  It was Willa who reminded me there were no rules requiring gender identity to be binary.  During one of our deep discussions, she posited the idea of enjoying both genders, something she was doing, and a concept that made a lot of sense to me.  I was already living the life of a part-time woman, so I simply started paying more attention to how that was making me feel.    One characteristic that was dominating my feminine self-expression (and it continues to this day) was that when I was Sally, I was “all in.”  When I became Sally, it was such a complete transformation that I truly felt like a woman.  The feeling was powerful, and if I had to describe it another way, I’d say it was akin to an actor, so into the part, they actually become the character they are portraying.  That was me, and I discovered that this level of depth was extremely fulfilling, and that feeling tended to last long after transitioning back to my male persona.  Part-time womanhood it seemed, was actually working for me.    Eventually, a job change forced me to move away from Pittsburgh, but the enlightenment I experienced while living there has shaped the nature of my bi-gender personality to this day.  Even after leaving, Willa and I remained the best of friends.  We had many more adventures, some of which I will detail in later posts.  Sadly, Willa passed away two-years ago after contracting a prolonged illness.  Her loss was hard to take and I miss her dearly.  However, I have so many fond memories of our times together, and because her support helped shape me, she lives on in my heart.   Hugs,   Sally
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