Am I Transgender?

[DestinyPanda]

Hey everyone, I am new here but wanna ask this question that's been on my mind alot lately and do want to know an answer.

 

So I've been wondering lately if i am transgender being that I remember at an early age (before 10) I wished I would wakeup the next day and become a girl. Since the news on Caitlyn a few years ago I have always had the thoughts popup every so often as like "Am I trans?" It might be defined as a fleeting thought cause I usually do deny the question saying "I'm a guy.." But the question always have came back either weeks or months or maybe even a year or two later. It's just annoying when it comes cause I do wanna know really. 

I've been thinking about it more since a friend told me to explore why I have had the questions and have had memories of my past popup like again the thoughts of early age wanting something else, the thoughts of wishing I was a girl in high school, and the fact I usually only play as a girl in games due to them looking better than the guy option and just feels right to me.

I can say that when it comes to my body that I would like changes like I have always been grossed out but not to uncomfortable with my body hair i just feel like it looks gross to the point it makes me look dirty and I prefer being smooth which makes me wish I never had the body hair in the first place. I have big muscular arms and muscular looking legs but don't feel really offended by them like not uncomfortable to much but do wish they weren't so big? I wish my arms and legs were more feminine and because of this I never wear short pants ever.

As soon as I became a teen years ago I remember I stopped being comfortable with wearing shorts or even wanting to take my shirt off unless behind a closed door.. Just feels wrong to do that otherwise even if its in front of a parent or sibling.

Not to mention that I feel awkward about how a certain body part functions at random.. It just feels gross.. Wrong.. and have wanted it to just stop.. or disappear..

I have a deep voice of course but I don't mind it, But at the same time.. If I do record my voice and play it back I just feel like it makes me sound sick.. I wouldn't mind having a higher more girly voice..

I've been treated by family and friends like I'm not supposed to be sensitive or emotional or even the fact I can't really lift..  I just feel like I am supposed to be an emotional person and be very sensitive as well as the type that shouldn't be doing the heavy lifting ever.. Its okay but does make me feel bad when I can't do it..

 

Does this sound very cisgender to you guys or am I more likely Transgender?

 

I can say I would press the magic button to become a woman if it existed without any doubts in my mind about this. I have as well read about the affects that HRT Estrogen does to the body and I kinda want those.. 

 

I have told friends as well to call me 'girl' and 'she/her' to see if my feelings mean anything but I think i am overthinking it or just not used to it because when it happens I don't feel like they are talking about me or wanting to get my attention. It does leave a off feeling in my stomach when it happens but I have been called 'like a sister' and 'princess' by some and that made me burst out with a smile..

 

I have been worried to that this might be part of my Autism and might just be an obsession of mine (part of OCD) happening as well.. but these thoughts doesn't bug me to much. Only want to know if i am trans or not because.. I mean if i am a transgender woman or even a non-binary person who falls like not entirely male or female I can live with myself.. Other than that I can't tell you what it means to be a man really.. I feel comfortable with it most of the time.. But like other than certain 'characteristics' no I can't tell you what it means to be a man to me.. If i had to rate my feeling I could say not 100% male at all.. Has to be more closer to 60% or so. 

[VickySGV]

One of our maxims here on the Forums is that IF you have any questions at all about your gender, you are NOT Cis Gender, and thus Trans Gender.  What we can't say is exactly what you are under the Trans Spectrum, that is a journey for you and a therapist to go on and discover.  Where are you going to take your Trans self to be comfortable and authentic is the real question.  It can be as little as the decision to be less like your birth gender's expectations of behavior, profession, trade and possibly your family care role.  These are mostly a matter of attitude.  They can go to complete Transition on the other end.  Give yourself permission to act as you feel without shame and you are on your way.  Stick around, read what is here, find a Gender Therapist, don't overthink life or try to be what is uncomfortable and BE YOU.

[MirandaB]

Can't really tell you how your feel just from reading one post, but will say a few things from my experience that echo what you wrote.

 

It took me a very very very long time to realize that if I was cis I wouldn't go to sleep every night hoping to magically wake up a different gender the next day. I too 'didn't mind' being a man, I thought, right up until I did. 

 

8 hours ago, DestinyPanda said:

I can say I would press the magic button to become a woman if it existed without any doubts in my mind about this. I have as well read about the affects that HRT Estrogen does to the body and I kinda want those.. 

 

I absolutely would have pushed that button, and when I finally read about the HRT effects it was yet another big step towards cracking the egg. I was all, 'yes, yes', 'yay', 'wow', 'cool', 'yup' going down the list. Nothing on the list sounded like a negative, except the possible higher tendency for blood clots. 

 

[DestinyPanda]

21 minutes ago, RhondaS said:

It took me a very very very long time to realize that if I was cis I wouldn't go to sleep every night hoping to magically wake up a different gender the next day. I too 'didn't mind' being a man, I thought, right up until I did. 

Well for me I didn't do that every night, but did happen off and on a bunch and still kinda does from time to time nowadays as well.

If I could wake up as a girl I would be over the moon with joy to the point nothing on this earth could take that happiness and drag me down.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, @DestinyPanda, nice to meet you.

 

We can't say for sure that you are transgender, but the questioning you describe certainly gives you good reason to investigate further.  As @VickySGVsays, cisgender people don't go around asking themselves those questions.  A lot of what you describe is very familiar to many of us.

 

I would recommend finding a good gender therapist and discussing your feelings and questions with them.

[Alessia]

Hello DestinyPanda I am new here too,

 

Please take everything I write here with a grain of salt since I am really new her, but I still try tohelp you with telling my own experiences and thoughts.

 

All I know is that I have and had the dreams of waking up as a woman and sometimes I even had dreams of sexual intercourse in a heterosexual way, but I was not the man I was the woman.

I woke up and it was not like a horror dream where you would think phew thank god it is over,

no I really regretted waking up. It was like the reality was stolen from me.

So I can not answer for you if you are transgender but I think no cis person would questioning him or herself after the puperty that much like you or I did. I will have my date with a therapist soon and I think you should do that too.
In the past I was not totally honest to my therapists and doctors out of denial fear or anxiety, but this time I am going to open up finally, that is my goal.

 

 

I wish you all the best on finding your true self.

Alessia

[Ashley0616]

As others have said therapy, therapy and therapy. We don't have a complete understanding of how things work. We can only talk about our personal experiences. It maybe that you have split personality not saying you do but there are far more things that play into it. I don't wish transgender on anyone or even any illness. I know that I am transgendered without a doubt. I was a real soft kid and my Dad didn't like it.

 

I had to create a front. I picked and choose things that most people liked so they couldn't tell what was really going. At the time Dallas Cowboys were dominating and I saw a lot of classmates with those jersey's on so I said I was one too. Michael Jordan was really good at basketball and I saw people wear jerseys so I adapted. I never picked what I wanted only what the majority of what the classmates picked.

 

I wore my sisters and moms clothes as much as I could get away with because with those few minutes I felt ME. As time went by the girl in me was a shadow. I played the role as "Scott" and believed it. I joined the military and don't ask don't was their policy. I couldn't come out. I was in the dorms so I couldn't buy women's clothing. I waited till my next base and was off base bought clothes was extremely tense because of course they didn't have self checkout so I said it was for my sister. Fast forward to getting out and she was still a shadow.

 

At the time I was living in denial. I was putting it off just as depression. Moving forward to when I moved down to the coast of Mississippi I bought more women's clothes wore them around the house and was very happy. I was severely depressed and attempted to commit suicide twice by gun pointed in my mouth. I was admitted both times. I later got rid of them because I was disgusted I could hear my Dad yelling at me in the mirror. I was married to my best friend and she gave me the confidence. We got clothes and I wore them on the weekends when I didn't have the kids. She put makeup on me and took a picture of me. I never felt so confident, secure, like I was in the spotlight for once. I was saddened because I knew we weren't going to stay together. I tested her and she said that would still stay with me even when she knew she wouldn't. I'm still going through the annulment process.

 

I told myself enough is enough and I'm going to tell everyone. April 17 I told family that I was a trans woman. A lot of support left but I still have some. It took the VA a while to schedule the appointments that I needed. I got suicidal thoughts they were wanting to admit for the third time. I told them I didn't want to and I came on my own free will so I was not going to let them. My doctors agreed that I have gender dysphoria and got an appointment for an endocrinologist. First appointment was a physical but was able to get the second appointment in a week. I was put on HRT May 24 got home at 959 and put on the first estrogen patch at 1000.

 

Two weeks later I don't feel as depressed (I'm still on 6 psych meds at max dosage) and I feel more happier more connected. Ever since I have been able to release Ashley my life has never been better. I still have work but I will take it as it is now. I can't wait till gender realignment surgery (GRS) and that will be just one of the surgeries that I will go through. Sorry for the long story but that's what happened. 

[AllieJ]

I so wish this question had a simple answer, but it doesn’t. Like many other things, trans is a spectrum, some people don’t even realise they might be on the spectrum, while others re affected to the point of survival. And our place in the spectrum moves! Basically, trans people are born with a gender identity which varies from their anatomy. This conflict can create feelings of uncertainty like you are having, right up to overwhelming frustration. Gender identity isn’t the only possible cause for feelings like this, so a therapist can eliminate psychological causes. As Gender Identity is a brain structure thing, a psychologist can’t diagnose transgender other than it’s the only thing left to explain the feelings. So, until brain scans are accepted as a diagnosis, it will remain an ‘educated guess’.

 

From my understanding, the gender conflict creates levels of frustration and uncertainty. If doing gender affirming things like dressing, or acting as your gender identity, gives you relief (but not excitement) it is a pretty strong indicator that you are trans. There are no rules about what you have to do about being trans, and it is all about finding peace in your life. Strong frustration (dysphoria) can lead to a decline in health if not treated so it should not be ignored.

 

As I lay on the bench having my fortnightly 90 minute electrolysis session, often with tears leaking from my eyes, I know that only trans people would endure this level of pain to reduce dysphoria!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[DestinyPanda]

There is something reonsating with me under the nonbinary umbrella and I am wondering about this if you guys could be kind to help here..

If I am nonbinary and identify as like a demiboy or even a demigirl.. Is both of those still the same as being transgender?

[AllieJ]

34 minutes ago, DestinyPanda said:

There is something reonsating with me under the nonbinary umbrella and I am wondering about this if you guys could be kind to help here..

If I am nonbinary and identify as like a demiboy or even a demigirl.. Is both of those still the same as being transgender?

Transgender is generally seen as an umbrella term covering all who question the gender norms. But, for most of us, our position is evolving, so trying to adopt a definition will usually cause confusion at some stage, so why bother? You are perfectly you!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

[Mirrabooka]

9 hours ago, AllieJ said:

Transgender is generally seen as an umbrella term covering all who question the gender norms. But, for most of us, our position is evolving, so trying to adopt a definition will usually cause confusion at some stage, so why bother? You are perfectly you!

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

Funnily enough, I chose the username Evolver on another forum I visit for that very reason.

 

@DestinyPanda Like me, you will probably tie yourself in knots trying to categorize yourself. It's futile, dear. You might be 1% trans or 99% trans and call yourself demi or bigender or trans or queer or nothing at all. It doesn't matter. The important thing is that you belong. 

[KathyLauren]

9 hours ago, DestinyPanda said:

If I am nonbinary and identify as like a demiboy or even a demigirl.. Is both of those still the same as being transgender?

 

The technical definition of "transgender" is someone whose gender identity is not the same as their sex assigned at birth.  Since no doctor or midwife has ever said, "Congratulations, Mrs. Smith.  Your baby is non-binary", non-binary people are transgender under that definition.

 

However, most non-binary people I know use a different definition of the word.  I won't put words in their mouths, so I won't attempt to give a definition that works for them, because I don't understand what it is.  However, the NB people I know mostly do not consider themselves to be transgender.

 

So, while I personally would answer your question "yes", in reality, it depends on whom you ask.

[DestinyPanda]

Hey hopefully its fine to add to my now month old post.. But umm.. 

I'm just wondering if I now see myself identifying as nonbinary (Demigirl) but don't feel like a demigirl all the time and can sometimes don't see myself as transgender but would still say deep down I would choose to be a girl over a boy any day and would press the button to become a girl if one such existed? Like I want to get on HRT as well

Does that still count as me being transgender regardless just knowing the fact I dislike my assigned gender and want to be another gender?

 

I have explored with more feminine clothing and it gave me such happiness that lasted a whole day.. That has faded when wearing it now but it just feels normal like I am supposed to wear that stuff.

[VickySGV]

25 minutes ago, DestinyPanda said:

I have explored with more feminine clothing and it gave me such happiness that lasted a whole day.. That has faded when wearing it now but it just feels normal like I am supposed to wear that stuff.

 

I think you have answered your own question with the last part of your sentence there.  That is how it feels when you are doing you just fine.

[DestinyPanda]

18 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

I think you have answered your own question with the last part of your sentence there.  That is how it feels when you are doing you just fine.

I suppose so?

but the fact still remains for me that I want HRT to feminize my body and feel happier with it..

[VickySGV]

22 minutes ago, DestinyPanda said:

I want HRT to feminize my body and feel happier with it..

 

No problems from me, HRT is actually used as a diagnostic tool because it will help you decide if it is right for you to Transition.  Your body will know if it right for you in a relatively short time before any irreversible changes really happen. You will need to either get a recommendation from at least one therapist, or if you are over 18 you could get the HRT by "Informed Consent" from an Endocrinologist.  Your state may be a little iffy, but I am going to suggest checking with the Trans health resources at Planned Parenthood or your nearest LGBTQ center.  Good luck on being YOU.

[DestinyPanda]

8 minutes ago, VickySGV said:

 

No problems from me, HRT is actually used as a diagnostic tool because it will help you decide if it is right for you to Transition.  Your body will know if it right for you in a relatively short time before any irreversible changes really happen. You will need to either get a recommendation from at least one therapist, or if you are over 18 you could get the HRT by "Informed Consent" from an Endocrinologist.  Your state may be a little iffy, but I am going to suggest checking with the Trans health resources at Planned Parenthood or your nearest LGBTQ center.  Good luck on being YOU.

Mind If I ask what do you mean by "Your body will know if it is right for you"?

I'm someone who is AMAB if that helps?

[VickySGV]

23 minutes ago, DestinyPanda said:

Mind If I ask what do you mean by "Your body will know if it is right for you"?

I'm someone who is AMAB if that helps?

 

It is something highly individual, but as you described with the clothing HRT will make you feel at home in your skin, or it will change nothing in your mind.  I have Transitioned friends who tried it and felt no better or worse on it, and decided it was not for them.  In my case there were subtle changes in how I generally felt for the better.  We have what are called receptor cells for the specific hormone, and if your receptor cells like and respond to E better than T you will feel it.  I have a condition where we know the cells respond to E better than T and give me feelings of overall better being.

[MirandaB]

I went on HRT and in a matter of days realized that there was some body tension I must have had for a very long time, enough to not be noticed, until it went away. I thought, 'I feel more relaxed than ever'. I had no idea at that point that that was a possibility, so think it wasn't a placebo effect.

 

And, generally, it was not a long time before people started saying, 'you seem happier' even if I wasn't out to them. There were no noticeable physical changes yet, which is what I thought would bring the happiness. Musta been those receptors. 

[Heather Shay]

I can't add to the wonderful answers already given. Relax and you'll get there.

[April Marie]

As I read through this today for the first time, it made me wonder if HRT might be the way ahead to quell my dysphoria. I've discussed it with my therapist several times but have deferred seriously exploring it until I became more fully aware and confident of my true identity. Something to discuss at my session this week.