Greetings

[Alessia]

First thing my english is propably not very accurate so if you are confused what I wrote please let me know I try then to clarify my intentions.

 

I am from germany, born as a male and 36 years old now,

 

living a life of supression of my feelings and depressions since at least 2 decades. I always thought somehow I can fix it and live happy but no matter what therapy I choose or meds I took it did not help. I just refused to accept that my inner voice had something to say for years. The first time I remembering a deep wish of being a woman was in my teens but I always thought if I grow older I would be happy but I didnt. And so time passed on trying to eleminate every gesture or posture of any kind that looked feminine in the puplic, trying to be more masculine as I really was.

In private I would sit like a girl lie in bed like a girl. And at one time a girlfriend of mine even said I dont like that you lie there like a girl. I was shocked since I thought I dont do it anymore or hid it very well. I would think of me that I won´t look necessarily very feminine with my clothing style I tend to just wear black and very big size to just cover all so I feel more comfortable with myself. I even have short hair at the moment and a beard but if I look in the mirror am I happy? Not really.

 

Someday I discovered that I somehow envy my sisters for being female but as always I just put it away drunk a lot of alcohol. At the age of 18 my dad actually comitted suicide too what I also tried to surpress and worked and partied a couple of years very hard till I had a collapse and knew I have to do therapy again. Again the therapies didnt help me and I just thought to me its normal some people are like this they can never be happy its just my brain not meant for me. Dozens of attempts to get me in a happier state failed even if sometimes I could be happy and even felt good in my body but that never was long. Since like 4 years or so I created an alter ego of myself Alessia and I really loved it and ironically after a bit time I had a moment with my mom watching a tv show with some emotional scene and I actually could cry. A thing I surpressed for nearly 20 years. The last time I really cried was after the news that my father committed suicide. Back to my father it was not all good I hated him in my teens for how he treated me he even slapped me with a belt if I did something against his rules, but shortly before he did kill himself I already forgave him and said daddy for the first time since a long period I haven´t called him other than -censored-.

 

So back to my alter ego she was giving me hope back. I could interact as women with other people and it felt amazing I could be how I felt Iam really am how I think I am. It is hard to describe.

Of course I followed some trans stories and even talked about it with one of my best friends a couple of years ago and in between till today, but I never actually told him the truth about how I feel. I just did pretend I am an normal cis ally and like them, again I surpressed it. I dont know exactly why, because of fear anxiety or am I even allowed to be happy?

 

This Year I was by an alternative therapiest and she accidently cleared my vision. Yes she admitted i had female traits in my face my tone but mostly my personality but she brush it off as just not sterotyped male and I was happy to go with it at first, but after another couple of session I stopped lying to myself and admitted this was not the whole truth.

 

Now today I am obviously in a good mood or otherwise I wouldnt tell you about myself and I think I have been brave for finally coming out even if I am still considering just to endure it till my death. Maybe I can find a way to be happy propably not with alcohol anymore this demon is under control fortunately but I dont know I hope you can understand me a little bit.

 

Thats all about me at first, I am glad I got here and have the chance to talk to you in a secure and safe place.

 

 

[Charlize]

Welcome dear.  would you prefer Catpaws or Alessia?  I remember when i first came here i was using a different name but in time i was named Charlize by my wife.  Like you i wondered if i could ever live as myself.  I had gender therapy and as i saw how this had always been me, hidden because of fear and shame, i saw that perhaps could grow to accept myself not what i was told i should be.  The folks here helped.  

Like you i had drunk a great deal and came close to killing myself in the depths of alcohol use.  Fortunately i went to AA and there i found the support and understanding that further helped to allow me to live as myself.  I was 63 when i went full time.  The last years have been perhaps the best in my life.

You are certainly not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Alessia]

I appreciate the warm welcome and the hug I really needed it. I am glad that you are now much happier and that gives me hope.

It feels good to not be alone anymore I was alone in this for decades. I am really thankful.

I actually would prefer Alessia:)

 

 

Thank you

[Alessia]

The thing is I am still very anxious about telling anyone and what I would have to go through.

I fear that I lose the love nad support of my brother and sisters and my mom and I fear to lose my closest dear friends.

But I will tell it one friend now since i have now a bit more confidence. He is gay and is a big supporter of transrights. We talked about such things a lot and he is a very caring and empathetic person. That would propably my next step but I now want to go to a therapist in this matter and even contacted her already.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

Herzlich Willkommen! 

 

I don't have more than a few words of German, but your English is quite good.  We have some other members on this forum who live in Germany, and I'm sure you'll get a chance to talk with some of them.  The cool thing about being on here is that there's lots of people from around the world, of different genders and cultures and ages. 

 

It is a good thing to have a close friend that you can talk with.  I hope that you are able to improve your life and feelings and find peace. 

[Alessia]

Vielen lieben Dank

 

Thank you for the lovely lie about my english I really appreciate it.

 

I am eager to meet my fellow german speakers and I am already making lots of progress I guess.

I will keep trying to sort things out this is why I have to write some letters and eventually make some dates with specialists in my city to observe my situation. I am glad I finally trust my inner voice.

 

About the close friend that will be a tough one but I hope I can tell him about my feelings and thoughts.

 

[Carolyn Marie]

Herzlich willkommen, Alessia. I don't speak German but Google Translate usually works well enough.

I know how hard it is to talk about something that you have kept so well hidden for so many years.  But you are in a safe place here, and among friends.  So thank you for opening yourself up to us.  You will find that many here share some part of your life story.  Your father sounds much like mine - and he was also from Germany. 

 

Please ask whatever questions you might have.  We will do our best to answer, even if we have to do some research to get you the right answers.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

 

 

[April Marie]

Welcome, Alessia!! Really, your English is quite good - everything you wrote is clearly understandable - and that's not easy when you're trying to capture things as complex as emotions. It took me almost 70 years to finally admit my reality - and it's only a little more than 5 months now that I've been working through how to transition and what that will look like. Each of us is different and have different circumstances and while many might wish to fully transition, it's not always possible or practical. 

 

For me, as much as I wanted to rush ahead, I found it better to take my time, to work with my therapist and wife as I "become." It hasn't always been easy and I understand much of your concern.

 

Just know that the wonderful people on the forums will be here to answer questions, to offer help , a smile and encouragement or even a hug and a shoulder to cry on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Timber Wolf]

Hi Alessia,

 

Welcome to Transpulse. I'm glad you're here.

 

Lots of love and a big welcome hug,

Timber Wolf

[Alessia]

Thank you again for all the kind words and hugs

 

and yes I have tons of questions but where do I even start?

My mind is like in a fog right now, trying to get back in solitude and just dig a deep hole and put all those thoughts I have in it and bury it. I know this can not be the solution, but my fear is so big, because I know that this road would be hard and filled with obstacles I have to go through.

 

All the consequences I can think of are pain mental and physical, suffering, friends and family abandoning me.

If I would go this way it will be not easy so much do I already know it would drain a lot of my energy.

I am now waiting for a reply of a transcare of my home city and I am nervous as hell.

 

I try to chill me down a bit and try to do some things I enjoy and lets see what happens when the specialists finally reply to me.

 

 

About my dad again: He was not all bad he had not a good father, my grandfather was a bit of a macho maybe even misogyn,

but my dad was not like that. He did mistakes yes and it made my life by no means easier but I really have forgiven him a long time ago. My mother hurt me too but I have forgiven her too. Now we kind of can live in peace and more harmonic together.

But if she found out I guess I would lose her.

 

My sisters are very kind actually but I have lost contact, besides rare calls  to one of them due to a split in my family since the covid happening.

Both of my sisters and my mother are christian but my father was and my brother is not religious.

The sister I have still much contact and see her weekly is supporting me my whole life, but she does not know of my deep buried feelings and she is rather conservative and her husband is not a supporter of trans people, not that he wished any harm no not like that, but I believe they would not understand.

The other sister was a rebell and she stopped the contact to our mother and sadly also to my sister (for reasons I dont know)

About my mother she said: She is a toxic environment and I will never be happy in my life and go my way if I have her in my life. She is very religious too but maybe not as much judgmental to me if I would come out to her. Still the bond with her is much thinner than the bond I share with my other sister.

My brother is actually my identical twin and he suffers from depressions too since a long time. Maybe even more than me idk.

I had a lot of support from very good friends and I think I was mentally stronger at least in the past.

I am not sure if I can lose him he is my other half even if he is not so emotional and harmony needy as me. And this sometimes even frustrates me I wish he would share his feelings with me but he rarely does. Lately he began to open upt to me a bit and wanted to share more time with me but I was in such an emotional rollercoaster that I did not spent as much time as he would have given me.

 

I propably could think of more questions but for now I want to start here:

 

How did you overcome the biggest obstacles and how did you find strength?

How do you deal with it if the family and friends are abandoning you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[April Marie]

I am so very new to this and just finding my own way through the relationship issues so I really can't offer advice in that regard. I'm very fortunate in that my wife has accepted me and our relationship remains strong - what a blessing for me that is since I would give up anything for her.

 

I would offer two thoughts. First- "transition" isn't a fixed state, it's more of a sliding scale. While many people are able to fully transition, many others live in a realm somewhere short of that...possibly barely representing their true gender...because their personal situation and/or choice makes that version of "transition" right for them. And that definition may change over time. Transition is what, ultimately, works for you that allows you to represent your true self.

 

Secondly, finding a qualified gender therapist with whom you can establish a positive relationship is often crucial to finding your way through the questions, the depression, the guilt....the whatever baggage you're carrying. The therapist will help you define what "transition" could look like for you and help you work through the strategy to move forward. The therapist will also help you understand and work through the various implications to family relationships.

 

Unfortunately, there's no "one size fits all" answer. We're all unique and special and finding how to live happily is the goal we all seek.

 

I hope I have provided you a few things to think about. I know that other, much more experienced  forum members will offer there thoughts, as well.

 

I wish you happiness in your journey.

[Ashley0616]

Hi Alessia,

 

I completely understand. I'm 39 on the 16th and it took a lot to finally come out. I didn't come out till April 17th to my family. I'm going through the third failed marriage. I have been extremely depressed along with a lot of my other disorders too many to list. I served in the US military from 2003-2014. I was so messed up I couldn't do much. I tried working three different jobs and got fired which I was never fired before and it felt terrible.

 

I knew that deep down I had gender dysphoria since I was 7 but I knew my family wouldn't get me the help I needed. I cut myself contemplated suicide at a young age. After I got out of the military and after the failed jobs I was in my second marriage. I was admitted twice to the psych ward for suicide attempts. I didn't open up because I was in denial. I kept thinking that if I treat my depression symptoms that it would go away.

 

I was on every psych med known in the world and I'm still on 6 and they are all at max dosage. I finally opened up to the VA (it's the hospital that US veterans use) that I had gender dysphoria to regular doctor, psychiatrist, therapist and they all agreed. I got an appointment with an endocrinologist.

 

First appointment was a physical and was able to schedule a second appointment in a week. On the second appointment May 24th I was prescribed hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Today I feel much better even better then when I got married believe it or not. I have noticed my hobbies aren't what they used to be anymore. I'm more of a girly girl. I actually kind of like it. Sorry I was trying to keep it short but I don't think it's too long. 

[Alessia]

First I want to answer to April Marie:

 

 I am glad your wife has accepted you this is really a blessing.

You really helped me I already thought about transition and what it implies and that is more a journey and not a switch you push and bam you are there where you want to be. About the gender therapist I really havent got any reply yet but I might to have to call them per phone soon since I only wrote emails to a therapist and a transcare help service in my city.

So right now I am like on hot coals and waiting for a reply.

I totally agree on your statement that we are all individuals and to know we share a common goal is reassuring.

 

Happiness is all I need I am not interested in money or status. I just like to be happy nothing else counts.

 

 

now to Ashley:

 

I am sorry for what you have been through even if you seem you are a lot stronger than I was in my life even if I never hurt myself physically even I had often felt like is it not just easier to commit suicide but this mindset changed. I dont like to give up this is not an option for me. And I am very happy you did not give up too and got your help you needed. I just tried to cope for a long time then I abused alcohol and smoked excessively cannabis even if cannabis was only for a very short time.

I was on a thin line to become alcoholic but I refused to end like that. I had an example what it does to yourself and what I could become since one of my aunt is alcoholic. Since a long time I only smoke cannabis once in a moon and drink much less and less often and only if I am in a good mood and good company.

Now I am kind of a tea addict but I really can live with that since it is mostly herbs and fruits.

Now I just need to get rid of the damn cigarettes too.

31 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I kept thinking that if I treat my depression symptoms that it would go away.

I can so much relate to it. This is literally my thinking the whole life.

 

I do really hope that the therapist and the trans care help will write me soon and I get help too. You make me hope that I am not forever cursed to be unhappy and often numb.

 

I won´t mind if some hobbies will change for me if I am happy then

And no I dont think your text was too long I really like to read about other opinions and experiences.

 

 

April Marie and Ashley thank you very much and I would like to give the hugs back.

I will try to keep your words at heart and maybe I can use it for my journey.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransPulseForums Alessia,

 

This was a great introduction, and follow up by all the contributors above.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and motivated.

 

Mindy

[Alessia]

Thank you very much Mindy,

 

I try to stay as positive as I can, you folks here make it a lot easier for me to accomplish a positive mindset.

[Alessia]

So I am here again and I am not so much good right now.

Since you said I can talk whenever I need to I just need to write it down.

I am still waiting for a reply of any of the professionals I wrote.

 

All the emotions flooding me right now, thinking of losing my best friend is making me cry. This is my biggest fear even more than losing the support of my family.

I am thinking about all the wonderful moments with him and the mere imagination of losing this bond terrifies me.

He was always loyal to me no matter what in my deepest depressions too.

Even if I would not call him he would stand on the door and would come with a beer and say lets do something we will figure all out.

 

Sorry if I sound like a total idiot but it is just overwhelming me right now.

You surely have to carry your own bags on the shoulders I know that but not I am just not strong enough to deal with this alone.

I am listening to music right now and drink my tea and see if this helps to find my inner strength again.

The thing is I just dont know who I can talk to if not to you people here.

And I really hope the therapist is replying to me soon since  I am just a total mess right now.

 

 

I just feel stupid and alone right now is all.

 

[Ashley0616]

7 minutes ago, Alessia said:

So I am here again and I am not so much good right now.

Since you said I can talk whenever I need to I just need to write it down.

I am still waiting for a reply of any of the professionals I wrote.

 

All the emotions flooding me right now, thinking of losing my best friend is making me cry. This is my biggest fear even more than losing the support of my family.

I am thinking about all the wonderful moments with him and the mere imagination of losing this bond terrifies me.

He was always loyal to me no matter what in my deepest depressions too.

Even if I would not call him he would stand on the door and would come with a beer and say lets do something we will figure all out.

 

Sorry if I sound like a total idiot but it is just overwhelming me right now.

You surely have to carry your own bags on the shoulders I know that but not I am just not strong enough to deal with this alone.

I am listening to music right now and drink my tea and see if this helps to find my inner strength again.

The thing is I just dont know who I can talk to if not to you people here.

And I really hope the therapist is replying to me soon since  I am just a total mess right now.

 

 

I just feel stupid and alone right now is all.

 

Well dear that's what you have us for. I will always try to reply as soon as possible. I know the thought process is hard. For me it showed me who really cared because if they are truly friends they will stay with you till the bitter end. I don't really have friends. I have a girl that I'm talking to and I tried reaching out to friends in the area but I couldn't find any. I'm going to try and hit the bar scene as my true self Ashley. I'm thinking about going this weekend. I haven't tried to see if I can handle crowds lately so it'll be interesting. I'm hoping to make some. The church I go to just started going there because they accept our kind. Who knows he might even know. 

[Alessia]

Thank you, I am just so new in all of this even if I should have known sooner. This is a good point about real friends what you said and I hope that he and me remain friends. This bond is just so important to me, I have other friends too but this particular person was always there for me. At the age of 18 we were together (but we were not friends yet, I just knew his father my own choosen father later in life as I have wrote before )in a scene metal bar and I have just lost my own father that week and needed to get out, get some fresh air and hiding my tears, no one telling how I feel, but this person just knew that something was wrong and came out too to comfort me. Since then I knew what person he is and we bacame friends. I am also the godfather of his daughter and she is sweet, he can not deny her she looks just like him.

So I really hope I dont break this bond with being me.

We have been through a lot together and his wife is a good friend of mine too.

Another good friend the gay one I have talked about once has outed in front of the whole round of friends and he was surprised that all of us accepted him like we did not care at all.

We were always joking about each other in a not really mean way and would have done a lot of gay jokes and he bagan to cry. Then we asked why he cried and he said. It is because you still treat me as one of yours and make fun of me like we always have dont to each other in a really not mean way. Since then I even met one of his partners and they were looking good together.

He is our friend no matter what sexual preference he has and this gives me at least hope that I could be accepted too even if it is maybe even more difficult since this time it is about me who is it. I had never problems to accept a person if it was a good person. I dont care if they were gay lesbian or whatever as long as they were good people and honest this is all I want. I really hope I would be accepted too.

If I see all rational I guess hope is not lost but my gut my heart my feelings telling me I lose everything.

 

ps: I am happy to hear about your bar visit I hope you have a lot of fun and meet someone you like and can be friends with and if not just rock it.

 

 

[Ashley0616]

3 minutes ago, Alessia said:

Thank you, I am just so new in all of this even if I should have known sooner. This is a good point about real friends what you said and I hope that he and me remain friends. This bond is just so important to me, I have other friends too but this particular person was always there for me. At the age of 18 we were together (but we were not friends yet, I just knew his father my own choosen father later in life as I have wrote before )in a scene metal bar and I have just lost my own father that week and needed to get out, get some fresh air and hiding my tears, no one telling how I feel, but this person just knew that something was wrong and came out too to comfort me. Since then I knew what person he is and we bacame friends. I am also the godfather of his daughter and she is sweet, he can not deny her she looks just like him.

So I really hope I dont break this bond with being me.

We have been through a lot together and his wife is a good friend of mine too.

Another good friend the gay one I have talked about once has outed in front of the whole round of friends and he was surprised that all of us accepted him like we did not care at all.

We were always joking about each other in a not really mean way and would have done a lot of gay jokes and he bagan to cry. Then we asked why he cried and he said. It is because you still treat me as one of yours and make fun of me like we always have dont to each other in a really not mean way. Since then I even met one of his partners and they were looking good together.

He is our friend no matter what sexual preference he has and this gives me at least hope that I could be accepted too even if it is maybe even more difficult since this time it is about me who is it. I had never problems to accept a person if it was a good person. I dont care if they were gay lesbian or whatever as long as they were good people and honest this is all I want. I really hope I would be accepted too.

If I see all rational I guess hope is not lost but my gut my heart my feelings telling me I lose everything.

 

ps: I am happy to hear about your bar visit I hope you have a lot of fun and meet someone you like and can be friends with and if not just rock it.

 

 

Describing the bond that you two share I would be really shocked if he didn't! He might be taken by it or like I said might even already know about it. It's funny how sometimes even people who we knew can know things about us just because they are very observant. I was kind of a little nervous and scared about coming out to my neighbors. I do have an LGBTQ flag that is outside my house so maybe they already know. The one beside me didn't even know it was me because I was dressed as Ashley. He was very accepting. 

[Alessia]

Something is true I am not a good lier and my closest friends can sometimes read me as an open book, so maybe he knows maybe not. You helped me lighten my mood a bit it is appreciated.

I have not really such a flag since I always was in denial and surpressed this side of me.

Once I told the sister of my best friend a glimpse of my feelings but we never talked about it again.

I even talked about having a female side in me but always told them that I am happy as being a man, oh gosh how could I lie so much about myself?

And I was again trying to cope and move on laying on a mask, but I dont want to wear a mask anymore, I want to be happy I want to listen to my inner voice now.

 

I am glad your neighbour is such a wonderful person.

[Ashley0616]

1 minute ago, Alessia said:

Something is true I am not a good lier and my closest friends can sometimes read me as an open book, so maybe he knows maybe not. You helped me lighten my mood a bit it is appreciated.

I have not really such a flag since I always was in denial and surpressed this side of me.

Once I told the sister of my best friend a glimpse of my feelings but we never talked about it again.

I even talked about having a female side in me but always told them that I am happy as being a man, oh gosh how could I lie so much about myself?

And I was again trying to cope and move on laying on a mask, but I dont want to wear a mask anymore, I want to be happy I want to listen to my inner voice now.

 

I am glad your neighbour is such a wonderful person.

I am too. I'm glad I was able to help. Us ladies got to help each other. The bond of sisterhood is pretty strong too!

[Alessia]

I am going to give you a virtual hug right now Sis

[Ashley0616]

Just now, Alessia said:

I am going to give you a virtual hug right now Sis

Thank you! 

[April Marie]

I'm glad that Ashley helped you to feel a bit better. Sometimes just venting help both to relieve the pressures but also to help process the ideas. I would think that the potential to lose the support and love of family and friends is a very real concern for most of us - and if you read through the forum you'll find circumstances where losses occurred and where the relationships endured.

 

Having someone that you can trust and open up to - hopefully you'll be able to find a gender therapist - is such a great help since it allows you to get feedback on your thoughts and help in developing strategies on how to move ahead...or not move ahead at all depending on your desires. It will also help you find the true "you".

 

As much as we sometimes would like to just find an answer to all of the thoughts, stresses and pressures, it is really a journey of discovery with good and bad times along the way. 

 

Vent whenever you need to. We are all here to support each other.

[Alessia]

Thank you too April,

tomorrow I get my new mobile phone and will just have some calls to therapists etc. Maybe I am more lucky this way since I still got no answer to any of my e-mails yet.

All I can do now is to educate myself more and hopefully I get my first meeting with a specialist.

 

If you have any good links for educational videos or letters I would be very thankful.

I already know some of them but many are more on the entertaining side and I want more a critical and educational view on it.