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LucyF

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On 11/19/2023 at 4:59 PM, LucyF said:

So I did this thing today....

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Heck you look gorgeous! I think you look better than me!

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1 hour ago, Ashley0616 said:

Heck you look gorgeous!

Absolutely fabulous! Thanks for sharing your look and your joy! —Davie

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 7/12/2023 at 8:28 AM, LucyF said:

Hi,

 

So this is my first post and first "conversation" with anyone about this, so please be gentle.

 

I am 43, 2 kids (who I have 50% of the time) and divorced having seperated in 2018. I live with my girlfriend (who I met in 2019) and she has a son, so we have 3 kids between us. She knows I like to wear womens underwear as when she moved in with me, that is all it was. I am now thinking it is more than this and I want to transition to be a female full time, but I am confused.

 

When I was a teenager, I remember my parents got me a book on puberty, and on one page there was a naked man (cartoon) explaining changes to the male body, and the other a naked female, explaining the changes to the female body. I used to go to bed with that book open on that page, hoping, wishing that it would mean that I would magically wake up as a female. I then thought how ideally it would mean that all my clothes would be female, and everyone would know me as a female. I then got a girlfriend (at 15) and thoughts of that went out the window - I put it down to just feeling like an outsider and not liking who I was.

 

When I was 16 I had surgeries on my collarbone, due to a sports injury and  the doctor explained that it would only cause issues if I were to wear a bra and "he doesn't think that would be an issue". I laughed it off, but inside I was dying. Since then I have largely ignored my urges, concentrating on getting the most out of life from Uni, a career and a marriage.

 

All my teenage years (and adult years I suppose) I have naturally thought more "female" (if that makes sense) and attached to females better than males (in personal and professional life). I always thought I was different from everyone else.

 

When my marriage broke up and I had the house to myself, I decided that I was going to live my life for me so I started exploring myself more. Part of this is now being on anti-anxiety tablets full time, and I question if I am autistic. I also explored my  feminine side. I love wearing female underwear. I even purchased breast forms, wore them around the house to see if I enjoyed that and I did. I then felt guilty and purged all female clothing, but kept the breast forms. I now just wear female underwear (having bought more) and wear female underwear most days.

 

But something this week has made me think about my gender. I keep getting these feelings and wanting to be female. If it was just a phase, why do I still get these feelings? I largely try and ignore it as I would be disowned by my family, friends and kids. My current girlfriend is extremely understanding and even let me wear stockings in the bedroom, but I worry I will push her too far and she will ridicule me.

 

I want to purchase more female clothes, shave all my hair off (apart from head hair of course) and dress as a female, but I would not be able to take the public ridicule or the reaction from friends and family. Is it easier to hide who you are and live a lie? I have managed to ignore these feelings for 43 years, so I am sure I can survive until I die without taking it further, but is that enough?

 

I am so confused and not sure where to go from here.

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story.  Stories like you help folks like me know that there are other AMAB people out there who have similar feelings.  I must say that I've had similar thoughts as yours re: waking up as a female. As a kid I always wanted to be a girl but as I got older I realized that people who felt like me and acted on it were at best made fun of and at worst murdered so I chose the next best thing which was to identify as a gay man and repress all those feelings.  In the past year or so I've decided to unpack that and allow myself to explore it. I started wearing eye shadow in public, slightly tinted lip gloss and colorless mascara (after curling my eyelashes).  I just started hormone therapy 6 weeks ago and that has been truly life changing (emotionally/mentally). I have so much clarity now. I feel at peace and braver exploring what this all means.  Let's chat some more if you're interested. Be safe.

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19 hours ago, Owly said:

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your story.  Stories like you help folks like me know that there are other AMAB people out there who have similar feelings.  I must say that I've had similar thoughts as yours re: waking up as a female. As a kid I always wanted to be a girl but as I got older I realized that people who felt like me and acted on it were at best made fun of and at worst murdered so I chose the next best thing which was to identify as a gay man and repress all those feelings.  In the past year or so I've decided to unpack that and allow myself to explore it. I started wearing eye shadow in public, slightly tinted lip gloss and colorless mascara (after curling my eyelashes).  I just started hormone therapy 6 weeks ago and that has been truly life changing (emotionally/mentally). I have so much clarity now. I feel at peace and braver exploring what this all means.  Let's chat some more if you're interested. Be safe.

Thank you! Its theraputic putting my updates on here and I hope it gives others clarity as it certainly helps me. 

 

The only thing I would say is that to me, the trans gender is not linked to sexuality at all and I will always like females sexually. Everyones stories are different though.

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So I have bought a wig for myself and had my initial consultation for IPL. Its going to be a long road ahead, but I simply can't wait to get going. Buying (and wearing) the wig is simply amazing, really gender affirming. Every step I take just brings happiness to me a reaffirms to me that I am following the right path.

 

Spoke to my mum on Friday and she is slowly coming round. She said its taking them a while to come to terms with it all, but they are trying their best. They just want me to be happy and I think are just trying to make sure I am doing the right thing to make me happy in the long run. She also said my brother has come off all social media as he is finding it hard, but he has not blocked me or anything. His wife deals with a lot of trans people at work, so is helping him deal with things. There is a 50th family party in June which I said I won't go to - I don't want to make the party about me and I dont want to make other people uncomfortable. It will be said to miss out, but its only one night. I am dating myself and have good friends around me, so arranging social bits with friends which is good.

 

I also have been getting help from the charity mind through work which is helping. I don't personally think I need it as I am on top of my feelings right now, but I am also not naiive enough not to think that I never will.

 

I am thinking of coming out to the wider team at work in the next week or two as well. 

 

I am nervous about my meeting on the 21st. I worry that he will laugh me out or will assess me and simply tell me that I am not trans enough for HRT or surgery. I worry that he will make me miserable. But I am sure that I am just worrying, but until the meeting is over, I will be worrying. x

 

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27 minutes ago, LucyF said:

So I have bought a wig for myself and had my initial consultation for IPL. Its going to be a long road ahead, but I simply can't wait to get going. Buying (and wearing) the wig is simply amazing, really gender affirming. Every step I take just brings happiness to me a reaffirms to me that I am following the right path.

 

Spoke to my mum on Friday and she is slowly coming round. She said its taking them a while to come to terms with it all, but they are trying their best. They just want me to be happy and I think are just trying to make sure I am doing the right thing to make me happy in the long run. She also said my brother has come off all social media as he is finding it hard, but he has not blocked me or anything. His wife deals with a lot of trans people at work, so is helping him deal with things. There is a 50th family party in June which I said I won't go to - I don't want to make the party about me and I dont want to make other people uncomfortable. It will be said to miss out, but its only one night. I am dating myself and have good friends around me, so arranging social bits with friends which is good.

 

I also have been getting help from the charity mind through work which is helping. I don't personally think I need it as I am on top of my feelings right now, but I am also not naiive enough not to think that I never will.

 

I am thinking of coming out to the wider team at work in the next week or two as well. 

 

I am nervous about my meeting on the 21st. I worry that he will laugh me out or will assess me and simply tell me that I am not trans enough for HRT or surgery. I worry that he will make me miserable. But I am sure that I am just worrying, but until the meeting is over, I will be worrying. x

 

I'm so glad to hear that the wig is gender affirming for you! :) 

I think for me it will be very important to be assertive about my journey with HRT when it comes to my mom because she tends to doubt everything I do and usually says she's concerned about me being safe and being sure that my decisions are really what I want. The latter drives me crazy as I've been independent, self sufficient and pretty succesful with all my goals up until now. I think it's rooted in HER insecurities and fears. 

I'm sorry you'll miss the 50th celebration. Did you really want to attend?  I'm only asking because I tend to avoid big family functions (we don't have many) because it is not a welcoming environment for me and I've chosen not to put myself in places where I'm not fully welcomed anymore.

I hope your provider finds some kindness and listens to you and your feelings. I'm not sure how it works in the UK but is there a place where you can receive specific gender care?

best

M ~~they/them

 

 

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On 1/18/2024 at 11:49 AM, Ashley0616 said:

Heck you look gorgeous! I think you look better than me!

Great photos! you look amazing!

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So.

 

I now have my driving licence, bills and cards all in my name :)

 

Going out with some friends en femme on Friday which should be fun.

 

Starting IPL and feminising eyebrows on 13th (Next week!)

 

Everyone at work knows and is supportive (in the main). I will be using my new name at work after half term :)

 

Very happy and exciting time for me right now.

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  • 3 weeks later...

So.

 

Had my first gender dr appointment today, which went really well. Dr Dundas from Gendercare.

 

He asked me when I realised I was trans, asked about what steps I have taken so far, what support I have and my childhood experiences with gender. He said he is more than happy to put me forward for HRT, so I should have my endo appointment end of April, with a view of starting HRT then.

 

Very very happy right now!

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  • Forum Moderator

That sounds wonderful Lucy.  I remember my early days filled with  both joy and doubt.  So many emotions flowed through me.

Just remember to fasten your seatbelt.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Congratulations on your big step through transition. Just think about if you want any more kids than freeze your sperm to use at a later date. Usually after 6 months of HRT your chances of getting someone pregnant is slim to none. 

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