My Experience with Estradiol

[susannah]

Several years ago, I stated here that I will not start estradiol even though I was pushing boundaries toward HRT.  I started to take spironolactone but had to stop.  Also, I have been on finasteride for a few years now.  I finally broke down and started estradiol last year.  After 3 months, my body started to show small feminization.  I developed breast buds that were about the size of quarter on both sides.  Even though these changes were quite desirable, I decided to stop HRT.  I was terrified of the consequences of transitioning.  

 

After 3 months, I started hrt again but stopped after 2 months.  I restarted again but stopped yet again after 3 months.  My body changes seem to happen faster each subsequent time.  

 

I am so conflicted right now.  I would love to be on estradiol yet I am afraid to do so.  It has been 5 months since my last estradiol tablet.  My desire to restart hrt is getting stronger.  When I started estradiol, it feels like I let the genie out of the bottle.  I did not know what I was missing.  

 

Has anyone else had similar experience?  Honestly, I do not know where to go from here.  

 

Susannah

[VickySGV]

The very first place to go is to the doctor who is prescribing the Estrogen and get some blood chemistry tests done on what your body is doing with the E.  Team that doctor up with your Gender Therapist to chart a path for your future which seems like it is going the HRT / Transition route. 

[Charlize]

I found that after gender therapy i had made a decision i planned to stick with.  Doubts melted for me as my doctors prescriptions started to work.  It sounds like yours is more of an issue cos indecision.  Perhaps some therapy might help you find a path in either direction that will bring peace.  I never think this is an easy road.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Carolyn Marie]

13 hours ago, VickySGV said:

The very first place to go is to the doctor who is prescribing the Estrogen and get some blood chemistry tests done on what your body is doing with the E.  Team that doctor up with your Gender Therapist to chart a path for your future which seems like it is going the HRT / Transition route. 

 

This ^^^

[Ashley0616]

VickySVG definitely has a lot of good points. My recommendation would be to start with a gender therapist and they'll be a great starting point. Then I would suggest going to a doctor and getting blood work done which I had to tell my mental health, primary care doctor, and then I was finally able to start HRT. The VA has also given me another psychotherapist who specializes in veteran care. 

[AllieJ]

Susannah, several years ago I was committed to never starting HRT (it was a condition of my marriage!) though I was pushing boundaries of gender presentation. From 2015, my dysphoria increased significantly in my early 60's, and also bouts of depression. But, I was determined to protect my marriage, so I resisted HRT until early 2019 when my doctor decided we should try it as nothing else was helping my declining health. With the blessing of my spouse, I applied my first patch and within days, I was cured from a sickness we feared would be terminal. I had a month of euphoria before I faced the fears that had prevented me from starting until now. I fell into depression for a couple of months, sure my wife would leave me, then I decided that I was well now, so I could stop taking estradiol! 

 

Just days later, I was sick again. My doctor starkly warned me that I needed estradiol to survive (I had naturally low testosterone). So I restarted estradiol, my sickness went away, but my depression continued. This is when I realised that estradiol was a serious need for me, that it wasn't a choice (if death is not an option). I honestly felt that transition was not right for me, and I really didn't want to transition from the life I was enjoying, so I didn't want to take estradiol.

 

My gender incongruence was strong enough that dysphoria was able to seriously affect my health. This came about because I was so determined not to take estradiol, and I pushed against dysphoria too far. There is a point we can get to that resisting transition can be dangerous to our health. When we recognise that dysphoria is significantly impacting our lives, we need to also recognise that there can be ongoing health consequences from resisting. Not only did my dysphoria lower my immune responses, it was a significant factor in a stress related heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests I suffered last year. Unfortunately, we often don't learn the consequences until after things get critical, but believe me, they can happen.

 

You sound like you are in significant turmoil, so please don't think this will go away. Talk to your doctor, and to your psychologist if you need, but don't resist this until you become a victim. I am lucky to still be here (thanks to the skill of a paramedic), and I know where it can lead.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

 

 

[KayC]

Hi @susannah
I went through a similar path toward HRT ... but not having the support at 'home' to make progress in transitioning.  Similar to @AllieJ I just thought I might never be able to start HRT. 

 

But, I knew Gender Therapy could only take me so far to deal with this. 

 

So when I recently got a new Dr I discussed my situation and he got me started on anti-androgens first - spiro and finasteride - because he knew I wasn't ready to socially transition yet.  The A-As helped a lot.  But I also got to the point where I recognized I could not remain in limbo ... it was just not good for my mental (and probably physical) well-being.  So my Dr just recently started me on estradiol and has been ramping me up the last couple of months (just had a good visit with him today so he could explain my lab results and what progress he was expecting).

 

When I first started estradiol I was elated and TERRIFIED.  It was a weird mix of feelings, but the fear was because I now had to face and commit to a near-term social transition.  My ultimate goal and my ultimate challenge. 

But this is the path of Life ... there is no goal without the challenge.  I realize that now, and I plan to continue on estradiol as long as all goes well and there aren't any health complications.  So far ... so good.

So - I think your fears and worries are understandable.  Everybody is going to have a different path and different approach ... and sometimes it might take more than a few starts n' stops to get the HRT 'plane' off the ground.  But if you keep moving forward you will get the wind under your wings and eventually take off.  Just never give up.

I hope you have a good medical and therapy team on your side, as well as family/friends.  But even if you don't ... you have us.  Please keep us updated on your Journey.

[LoRez]

On 9/25/2023 at 10:14 PM, KayC said:

Hi @susannah
I went through a similar path toward HRT ... but not having the support at 'home' to make progress in transitioning.  Similar to @AllieJ I just thought I might never be able to start HRT. 

 

But, I knew Gender Therapy could only take me so far to deal with this. 

 

So when I recently got a new Dr I discussed my situation and he got me started on anti-androgens first - spiro and finasteride - because he knew I wasn't ready to socially transition yet.  The A-As helped a lot.  But I also got to the point where I recognized I could not remain in limbo ... it was just not good for my mental (and probably physical) well-being.  So my Dr just recently started me on estradiol and has been ramping me up the last couple of months (just had a good visit with him today so he could explain my lab results and what progress he was expecting).

 

When I first started estradiol I was elated and TERRIFIED.  It was a weird mix of feelings, but the fear was because I now had to face and commit to a near-term social transition.  My ultimate goal and my ultimate challenge. 

But this is the path of Life ... there is no goal without the challenge.  I realize that now, and I plan to continue on estradiol as long as all goes well and there aren't any health complications.  So far ... so good.

So - I think your fears and worries are understandable.  Everybody is going to have a different path and different approach ... and sometimes it might take more than a few starts n' stops to get the HRT 'plane' off the ground.  But if you keep moving forward you will get the wind under your wings and eventually take off.  Just never give up.

I hope you have a good medical and therapy team on your side, as well as family/friends.  But even if you don't ... you have us.  Please keep us updated on your Journey.

Hi @KayC,

 

I thought the current GID laws in Japan prevent one from getting HRT if you were married? Is that not true? Also, where could I get HRT in Tokyo? I'm very interested in HRT. I've already started socially transitioning, slowly. When I leave work, I change back into myself and ride the train to Shinjuku 2-chome. When I'm at home, it's a compromise, but mostly women's clothing. 

[KayC]

Check your PM @LoRez

[Kasumi63]

15 hours ago, LoRez said:

Hi @KayC,

 

Also, where could I get HRT in Tokyo? I'm very interested in HRT. 

 

You can search for gender clinics in Japan here:

https://gidinfo.jp

 

[susannah]

Thank you, everyone.  I am just afraid of consequences of transitioning.  I am also finding it difficult to resist going back on estradiol.  In a way, I wish I did not give into my desire to start hrt.  My body tasted what it was like be on estradiol and want more.  More than that though, mental side of being on estradiol was very comforting.  I miss that more.