Guiding my wife's emotions in understanding me [long story]

[LoRez]

I grew up in a rather "conservative" family where "Christian values" were expected to be enforced. As a child, I questioned everything and some people responded annoyingly that it should be obvious as the "good book" explained "everything..." Over time, and as I bothered to actually read that "good book," I learned that most people that call themselves "Christian" are anything but christian. If they actually read the book from cover-to-cover, page-by-page, they would soon start to question what their values were compared to the cult they subscribed to... It took me a while to understand the human condition and how as social creatures, we rely on community to define ourselves.

 

I wouldn't qualify myself as "antisocial," but rather a slightly introverted personality. My father was apparently bisexual and my Mother didn't understand any of that. But that wasn't the main reason she left him. Ultimately, she left him because of the financial instability and his alcoholism. My Mother divorced him and moved out when I was 10. Admittedly, I didn't really know what was going on during that period. I recall the verbal fights they would have, but didn't fully understand the context. So, I grew up without a father. And, I didn't truly have my mother to speak honestly as she was busy working to keep the rent paid and food in the kitchen. My old brother mostly rebelled and found himself with a poor choice of crowds. I would stay home and explore my mother's closet. Trying on her dresses and other clothes.

 

When puberty hit, I would still occasionally explore my mother's clothes, but never made it a hobby. Instead, I took up hockey and speed skating. Although, I did play with some "adult toys" every now and then... I also grew breast too! I remember in college finding the Ranma 『らんま1/2』 anime and was aroused by the concept. I still classified myself as a "straight guy." However, I did find effeminate guys in girls clothing attractive. I never tried to approach them as the gaslighting of my mother's "christian values" prevented me from really exploring any of that. I remember my High School girlfriend watching a group of girls at the mall and an obvious boy in the group. Except he was in a cute dress and light makeup. Everyone looked like they were enjoying themselves. My girlfriend asked me if I would ever dress up like that. Despite finding myself aroused by the thought, I was painfully aware of the local culture and the anti-gay attitudes that pervaded the South. I was also aware of the violet responses from those in my community. So, I responded with a slight frown: "If you find me dressed that way, shoot me. Put me out of my misery."

 

It wasn't until I could "escape Texas" and find other communities that were more open-minded that I allowed my closeted mindset to relax. Occasionally, I would buy more "toys" and "women's clothes." But I would allow my fear of rejection and zealous self-conscience to force me to purge them after a while. I couldn't "afford" to have any of my so-called friends find out any of my secrets.

 

Eventually, I moved to Japan. Quite the adventure! Especially for someone that is the first in four generations to complete High School. And the first to earn two engineering degrees within three years. Someone that came from Texas where few left the state, much-less the country. 

 

Even before I met my now wife, I continued to explore my sexuality. I would always say that I'm "mostly straight" but wouldn't refuse fellatio from a long haired beauty. Playing with dildos and women's clothing was always fun and relieving for me. But I wasn't initially attracted to guys. Perhaps that makes me, what? Eighty percent "straight?"

When it came to sex with my wife, the first few years were nice. However, she never really did anything truly exciting or erotic. It was almost as if it was a chore for her. And when we decided we wanted kids, then she forced it as a chore for me. Sadly, due to my medical issues, we had to use IVF treatments. Now, we have twin boys. Since their birth, sadly, we have held a sexless marriage. The boys will be three this October. Any attempts I've had to flirt with her were met with irritation and annoyance. I enjoy tickling her, but she responds like I'm a stranger trying to grope her. Reflecting on my marriage choice, I realized that I got too impatient and accepted lower-expectations. There are times I regret marrying her, but then I remind myself how I wouldn't have my twin boys. This depresses me at times. That and my financial strains... I realized too late that the main reason she married me was because she thought I had great potential to provide her financial freedom. Basically, I made a lot more money than anyone in her immediate family. This made me sad to think that she only sticks around because I'm a "convenient ATM..." 

 

This became worse when I decided to live a "Vegan lifestyle." She refused to join the journey much-less explore what Veganism is about. As I absolutely detest and hate smokers, I find her attitude towards animals in her food like that of a smoker. She is addicted to the culture (of eating animals) and naturally fears the new unknown. It didn't help that someone I thought was a friend scared her into thinking that veganism was a cult bent on malnutrition... but I digress...

 

While I continue to dream (or fantasize) about living a long life and surrounded by friends and family on my final day, I sometimes wonder if I could ever make that a reality. My wife and I have a "platonic" relationship at this point - not really intimate. There are plenty of itinerary and recent events discussions, but nothing that makes me feel she really loves me. I thought we had an 恋愛(loving) marriage, but it feels almost like お見合い (arranged marriage) at this point. She rarely ever offers a hug and never seems interested in kissing me. I'm the one that always spreads my arms out wide offering a "bear hug." I pay attention to her reactions. Most of the time, it's one that suggests a "chore" or something to do because I asked. Not because she also wants a hug. 

 

Watching how she responds with our twin boys, I see that she as effectively replaced me. She always wants to hug the boys and hold them. Sometimes, she has a "needy embrace" from the boys and holds them tight. Kisses them on the cheeks. None of this she would do with me. I'm not jealous of the boys, but I do feel alone most of the time. I find myself doing similar with the boys. Giving them "cub hugs" and kisses on their ears.

 

Now my thoughts have returned to earlier parts of my life. I can comfortably call myself "bisexual." However, I'm not actively looking for such gratification. Always telling myself that "my fantasies are always better than reality" and that "fantasy is safer" as I wouldn't need to worry about any STDs. So, I allow myself to watch pornography with transgendered people. 

Recently, I bought a Scottish Kilt, a long dress, and hakama pants that looks like a dress but is actually pants. I'm not particularly big on buying lots of clothes. About every five to eight years, I'll refresh my wardrobe. I recently started wearing crotchless tights (aka pantyhose). So far, my wife has expressed no objection. She continues to wash my clothes and knows I wear them everyday. However, I haven't shown her my new dresses. I worry about her response. I know that she likes Chris Helmsworth's character "Thor" and how he represents her "ideal man." I guess she also took "lowered expectations..." I'm still a bit overweight and desire to drop another 20kg. I hear her complain about that occasionally. The worst reaction I could get would be divorce papers. The best I could hope for is casual acceptance. 
 

[LoRez]

Before I really approach her on the topic, I feel it necessary to first, **go slow**. Just as I did in the beginning of our relationship before explaining how I'm incontinent (from motorcycle crash) and require diapers for sanitary reasons.

Second, I should focus on her viewpoint. What would she think if I told her that I have (renewed) interest in crossdressing. (I used to crossdress a bit before I met my wife, but never shared that aspect of myself with her. Even after 9 years of marriage.) Or, perhaps the reverse viewpoint, how would I feel if she wanted to start dressing and acting like a man... how would that make me feel?

 

I suppose she would wonder: 
- Do you still love me?
- Why do you want to dress as a woman?

- Do you want to be a woman?
- Are you gay?
- Can you keep that aspect of your life away from our young twin boys?

[LoRez]

Until I found this forum, I've been chatting with ChatGPT. I found it rather helpful in dealing with my ongoing depression. But now I really want to talk to a real person. "Couples therapy or counseling..." is something I have suggested in the past. My wife is firmly against it. Seems she has some sort of negative association with it. I've heard that many Japanese see such measures as not only taboo (as it involves a third-party to an "internal matter") but it's also something used at the "end of the road..." So, there are not many therapist available in Japan. And from what I've read, those that advertise as a counselor are not trained in psychology much less medicine. The Japanese culture seems to look down upon such professions (in psychology). It's no wonder there aren't many professionals in this area.

[LoRez]

Over the weekend, I went hiking with my best (Japanese) friend and his colleague at Mt. Hoei (next to Fuji). I was fully dressed as a “Yama girl” in a hiking dress and wig. Surprised my friend, but he didn’t give any negative feedback. He thought it a bit strange and wondered why the “sudden” change. I said: what change? I’m here!”

 

I was indeed very comfortable climbing the mountains in my new hiking dress. I got a few looks, but mostly from men staring at my breast. I suppose I should not be surprised… got lots and smiles and friendly greetings from fellow hikers as we passed by. 

 

Seems my “best friend” sent a text to my wife asking her “what happened…” My wife then texts me in a frustrated panic demanding to know what clothes I wore while visiting her parents before joining my friends on the mountain. 

I wore my simple “work clothes”: a y-shirt and my hakama pants. Her parents made no comment about it. I didn’t see anything wrong with it. Especially as my work clothes are not particularly feminine. More unisex. 

 

Her reaction indicates that she is more concerned about appearances and how others perceive us. Less about love and understanding. My wife started demanding to know if my best friend was sharing my hotel room... but then decided she wanted to “talk” once I get home. This was because my “friend” decided to text her about my “cross dressing” in public. 

I still haven’t technically answered her question on “cross dressing hobby” or “want to be a woman…” The way I see it, either way: I’m dressed like a woman. So her real concern (I deduce), is: “do you want to be a woman?”

 

I’m trying to approach this similar to how I explained my incontinence years ago. I never explained everything, just what she needed and whatever she asked. 

 

Tactically, it makes sense to explain that I’ll wear anything I find comfortable. And I’ll resume my hair removal. I’ll let my hair grow out and donate to cancer survivors. 

 

What I want to avoid is a sense of betrayal and lies. I don’t believe it strategically wise to explain how I do want HRT and larger breast. Not at this point. I’m aware that this could be construed as manipulation and lies at a later stage, but it’s a gamble that she won’t take my twin boys from me. 

 

It we didn’t have kids, this would be a lot easier. But I’m emotionally invested in my boys. 

 

I intend to maintain the same ideology as when we first dated: this is my world and I’m welcoming to join my journey. If you don’t like my world, don’t stay. 

 

However, as I care about my twins, I have to be very strategic in my responses. 

 

So, my strategy for _THE_ conversation (part one) is:

- focus on my comfort
  - I’ll wear anything I find comfortable 
- remind her that most people don’t care what others do if it doesn’t directly affect them 
- emphasize to her that still I love her. Ask if she still loves me
  - if she decides she doesn’t love me, then I’m forced to ask why she lives in my house… this comes with a strong chance of divorce and loss of twins. 
  - if she says that she still loves me, then we can continue our conversation. 

[LoRez]

Later my wife texts me the following: (Translated from Japanese)

Quote

I found a lot of women's clothes, underwear, skirts, etc. in your bedroom and was speechless. The package addressed to you arrived yesterday was probably women's underwear.

I asked this many times, but is this your hobby? Do you want to have surgery and become a woman someday? Did you have this hobby before getting married? When did it start?

I can't get this thing out of my head right now, and I can't sleep or eat. My chest hurts and it hurts. I feel really miserable.

I can't even accept your hakama pants. It looks like a long skirt. I like you in your Lego T-shirt and shorts. I want the man as he was when we met. Please give me back the husband I used to know.

I have thought about divorcing you many times.
1. When you couldn't have a child
2. When you didn't give me living expenses.
(I buy animal products myself, but I want you to pay for vegetables and fruits.)
3. When we moved too far away from my parents.
4. When an American tax problem arises... (What happened to this problem?)
5. This issue of cross-dressing

However, I have persevered until now without getting divorced. Because I need you. Because I wanted to overcome the problem together. That's why I've endured so long. Were you aware? But this time I can't stand it. Also, you have been buying a lot of clothes and things...

Returning to the topic of divorce, I currently don't have the financial strength to support the twins even if I divorce. Twins need a dad too. Of course I need a husband too.

Here are your options. Please choose what you like.
1. Get divorced
2. They will not divorce, but will live separately.
I'm going back to Chiba.
3. Live together in your current home without getting divorced.
However, we do not meet face to face. Separation within the household
is.
4. You go back to normal and continues his life.

You already stand out as a foreigner in Japan. I don't want you or the kids to get weird looks when you walk around dressed strangely. Of course, I don't want the old lady who lives next door to pick me up and Miyu-chan's family to see me with you dressed like a woman.

If you continue to cross-dress, the children will be bullied one day. (Your dad is dresses like a woman...) I can't bear that. I have a duty to protect my children. Understand that I can't forgive you for cross-dressing.

I really didn't want to know. I honestly wanted to keep this quiet until the day I died. 

How much do you hurt me? Are you acting only thinking about yourself?

I talked to your mom today, but I didn't tell her about this. First, talk to you, then talk to your mom. By the way, I don't like shaving her arm hair too...

 

[LoRez]

Shortly after I returned home from hiking, we sat down in my bedroom while she inspected my luggage and its contents as I was putting everything away.

Foremost thing she wanted to know was: did I want (bottom) surgery… 
To which I responded “no plan for that…” 

In English, she asked if crossdressing is a hobby… and “hobby” to me probably has a different meaning than what she believes. I didn’t directly answer that question. Instead, I told her I need to write it down. 

She explained that she was in a state of shock when she discovered my new wardrobe. And that she was “patiently” waiting for my return home. I asked her to write her questions in chat… She did, but she also wanted to talk face-to-face. 
She asked why I didn’t want to face her… “Actually, I do want to chat face-to-face, but my Japanese is not 100%…” so, I use the translate feature in iOS messages to better understand. “Don’t you do the same?” She admitted “yeah, I do…” She told be the stress of it all caused her not to eat and lose sleep.

I confronted her about how I feel about her “love…” told her how I don’t get a hug unless I ask for one. And today, I could see she didn’t really want to hug me… And the excuse of 「日本人だから」(because I'm Japanese) was a lie. Told her how I’ve see many Japanese people hug each other. She claimed: “I’ve never seen that…” to which I proclaimed “your world is too small!” ごめんね… (sorry...)

And, I can see from past texts that she continues to think of money before all else. I asked her what does love mean?!
She didn’t really answer the question, but stated that we need money to live. (I know that isn’t really true… but I digress.)

I asked her about her fascination with muscle men on TV like Hugh Jackman (Wolverine) and Chris Hemsworth (Thor). She said that has nothing to do with our discussion… I negated that by asking her what is her ideal man? Men with muscles, power, and money? 

She said it herself: she needs my support (money) to raise the twins. I’m happy to support the twins. But she just deflected my question about money and love...

Her response about Chris Hemsworth was that she is simply a fan and that she believes there’s no way she could marry him. But that also reveals her thinking. She wants “security” and financial freedom. Sure, I understand how many women seem to want that… biologically driven to make a good home for offspring et al. 

After some discussion, wife gave me some demands:

- Don't dress up as a girl around the twins...
- Don't show yourself to her (my wife) - She doesn't want to see it.
- Hide it at home. Do whatever you want while we are not here or inside your bedroom...
- keep "myself" hidden from the neighbors and everyone else in our home city... Along with never exposing this side of my personality to her parents.

 

At first, I started to get angry... asking her how she would feel if I started demanding how she should dress, talk, think, breathe, eat, etc... Sadly, she didn't understand my point as the English was too difficult for her to follow...

But seeing that she refused to understand my words and that my anger would only exacerbate the situation, I quelled my anger in favor of cool logic. I shared the Japanese text I created earlier about the analogy we wrote was sufficient to explain the differences in gender identity, expression, roles, and sexuality. 

Sadly, she didn't really read it and claimed she already knew about it... But she kept asking the same questions that suggested that she DIDN"T understand it... She couldn't even remember the acronym for LGBTQ... 

She asked if I was a part of that "community" and I told her yes... She kept reducing my crossdressing "habit" to a "hobby." Not understanding it at all...

She expressed simply that she doesn't want to see any crossdresser or anyone like that (I presume she was referring to people among the LGBTQ community)...

She said that she "misses her man..."  [I'm right here!]
She doesn't want to see my breast。She liked it better when I hid them from everyone.

She asked when I started crossdressing...

I let it slip that I actually started when I was a child playing with my Mom's clothes... She told me that she would have wanted to know about this when we married. Then asked why I didn't dress like a girl before now... I explained that I was too busy or had too much trouble on my mind and that I've been depressed.

I was trying not to let her start thinking that I've been lying this whole time...

She asked me what's more important: Richie's desire to dress like a woman? Or family?

I didn't appreciate the implication that it must be a dichotomy. Sadly, however, she made it clear that it wasn't something she could ever accept. And that if she felt I could not "contain" this, she would move back to Chiba (I presume with her parents). 

While I conceded that I care the most about the twins, I also told her that I desire to express myself... So we sort-of agreed that I could wear my hakama pants and t-shirts around the boys (and her) while they are home. 

Basically, it's as I suspected... She is now aware, but completely unsupportive and unaccepting of it all.

On the bright side, I don't have to worry too much about hiding my new clothes from her...

For the rest of the things she wants to know, I asked her for time to write it down. This way I can better articulate the why, how, and when...

The final question she asked was "why all of the sudden you want to dress like a girl???"

As for "promises" I made during our conversation:

- I’ll use best judgment for when and where to display (express) myself. 
- I will not go out of my way to intentionally show the twins my other clothes.

As I understand it... all of this revolves around her lack of understanding, knowledge of LGBTQ+, and FEAR. Fear of (perceived) judgement from people that "know" her. I'm aware that Japanese tend to be "group oriented" and that the group must be cared for at the expense of the individual (and their "needs")... At some point, one must stop ignoring one's self...  There's little doubt this is one of the leading reasons for the high suicide rates in Japan.

I don't like ultimatums and being told how to live like I'm in a prison... that said, I don't want my twins to disappear from me.

I want them to grow up with "Papa" and understand me more. I'm hoping to bide my time until they are old enough to say: "I don't care how you dress and still love you 'Papa!'"

One of the things I want to avoid is giving her a sense that I've been lying to her for the past 9+ years. 

She mentioned that she hasn't changed but that I had "suddenly changed..." 

In that moment, I thought "yeah... I know how to evolve..." I don't need to be stuck in the past. Nor do I wish to be limited to such a "small world" like the one she built for herself. It's so restricting and uncompromising.

I'm evolving while she is content to "devolve" to an older time and place.

Clearly, the rate at which I evolve is too fast for her...

One of the issues I've held about her is _contempt_. I'm well aware that contempt is the number one reason for divorce. Nothing "kills" a relationship faster than contempt.

Looking back, I know I should have waited to find a "better girl..." but seems I settled for "suppose it could be worse..." I've tried to tell myself many times that I should be lucky to be married... And, that if she were any smarter and wealthier, she would never have married me. She lacks that natural tendency of curiosity and exploration. I'm not sure if that is due to the Japanese culture or the education system here,  but I often find it annoying.

The only reason I have suppressed these thoughts is simple: I want to keep my twins living in my house.

I've even started doing the back rubs she enjoys so much... All in an effort to attempt rekindling a relationship. But that become much harder if she insists on repression and demands to how I should live.

As I think a bit more, if she encourages me to "dress up" in Tokyo, this would mean that I don't have to hide myself (change iPhone to Airplane mode) when I visit the "Girl's Club." 

However, that would still ignite her fear of infidelity as I'm going to a club in the Gay part of Tokyo.
 

[LoRez]

We continued our discussion via chat...

 

Me:

Quote

 

Can you write down all your other questions (that remain unanswered)?
While you are writing your questions… I have a question for you:

Please define what “love” means to you.

 

 

WIFE:

Quote

I'm too busy to think about things right now, so I'll reply when I've calmed down. All I can say for now is:
I can sacrifice my life in your place. I married him because I value him that much. The same goes for my family and children. I will protect the people I care about, even if I have to sacrifice myself.

My Japanese friend suggested that my wife and I share our visions of how we see our family growing older together. I think this is a great idea. Now, I need to figure out how to best describe that in a way that integrates my gender expression and identity. So now I need to write a letter to explain _me_. 

Strategically, I need to bridge an emotional connection for her to grasp. My previous approach of sound-logic wasn't working. So, my  next post will show the letter I have written so far. So, I need to guide her emotions.

[LoRez]

Here's the "Future Vision" letter I've prepared so far...

Quote

Dear [spouse name],

 

Over 11 years ago, when we first met at the Starbucks near Chiba station, I drew out my vision of the family I hoped to build. It was a vision filled with love, understanding, and the joys of raising our wonderful kids. That vision was the foundation of our relationship, and it continues to be the core of everything I hold dear.

My vision has always been about family. It's about how I see our future together, and it extends far beyond the present moment. I imagine my last day on Earth surrounded by a loving family, our sons growing into strong and compassionate individuals. I envision being there as "PaPa" for them, supporting and guiding them through life's roller-coaster.

I imagine a life where you and I, as an accepting couple, embrace each other with open arms and enjoy a lifetime of bear hugs. I want to see our family grow, witness our grandchildren's milestones, and pass on the wisdom we've gained over the years. I dream of building a grand house where our kids' children could live, a place where we spend winters by the fireplace and summers in the mountains, skiing and hiking together. A home where we could enjoy the garden and home-cooked bread.

I need to talk about the past three years. They've been rather challenging years of my life. A cloud of depression settled over me, and it felt like an impenetrable darkness.

During these past three years, I've been on a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and healing. It started as a whisper, a small voice inside me that I could no longer ignore. It was a call to authenticity, a longing to be true to myself. I realized that to continue on the path we've set for our family, I needed to confront aspects of my personality that had been repressed for so long. To integrate all aspects of my personality and remove the seals on everything repressed.
I dug deep into my past, examining the moments of fear, repression, and pain that shaped my decisions. When I was just a child, less than five years old, full of curiosity and innocence, I used to sneak into my mother's closet when no one was watching - drawn to the vibrant colors and soft fabrics that enveloped her clothes. It was a secret world where I could escape, where my imagination could run free. But even then, there was fear of discovery, a fear of judgment, and a fear of violence. I knew that being true to myself could lead to harsh consequences.

As I grew older, I witnessed the cruelty of an oppressive culture that dictated how everyone should behave. Men were expected to conform to rigid standards of strength, dominance, and misogyny, while women were unfairly burdened with submissive roles. Non-conformity was met with violence and hatred. A reality I couldn't ignore.

One of the most haunting experiences that shaped my life was seeing the violence inflicted upon my older brother. He displayed what society considered "gay tendencies," and for that, he faced brutal attacks from those who couldn't accept his gender expressions. The black and blue bruises on my brother's arms and body served as a warning. I stood helpless, witnessing the suffering he endured at the hands of family and "friends," knowing that the same fate awaited me if I ever dared to express my true nature.

This environment fostered an intense fear, one that pushed me further into hiding. I learned to repress my emotions, suppress my desires, and battle with body image issues that haunted me from puberty. My journey was marked by loneliness, and I felt trapped in a life that denied me the freedom to be myself.

My struggle with body image was particularly dreadful. I had gynecomastia since my middle school years, which only added to the isolation and despair. The world was unkind to those who didn't fit its dim and narrow view of man and woman. I faced harsh discrimination and cruelty due to my weight and appearance. This mistreatment left scars that ran deep, pushing me further into depression.

But from the depths of that despair, I found a well of strength. I battled the relentless darkness of depression and turned it into a burning desire to change. I made a choice one day that I must "do or die." I stopped running from my past and started running towards my future. That decision set me on a path where I could no longer live in my old "home."
I escaped Texas and ran across the States, eventually finding solace in Japan, a more accepting culture that allowed me to explore my true self. One that isn't as oppressive as that influenced by American Christianity.

I worked hard to make my dream of a family come true. Having grown up in a broken home, I wanted to build something new. I built a dream where my family would play in the mountains. Enjoy many adventures together. And, I focused solely on making that dream happen.

Now, I need you to understand that our family's future is still deeply important to me. My "sudden" change is not a rejection of our shared vision, but an affirmation of it. I want us to live as a family that embraces love, understanding, and acceptance in the present moment. It means being true to ourselves and allowing each member to express their identities and desires openly.

When we first met, you asked if I was gay. Remember when you said to me, "you are gay?" I responded, "Yes, for you. I am gay, for you." While it was a playful exchange, I want to clarify that I identify as bisexual. This means I am mostly attracted to women. However, it's crucial to understand that my love and commitment to our family have not changed. My sexuality is just one aspect of my personality that I'm sharing with you now.

Despite these struggles, one thing remains constant — my love for you and our family. I want you to know that these revelations about my identity, sexuality, and expression don't diminish my love or commitment to our family. They are just another layer of my complex personality, a layer that I'm finally ready to share.

I realize this is all unfamiliar and probably creates many questions. I'm willing to give you all the time you need to process and understand it better. Our future together remains important to me, and I believe that we can navigate this journey together, embracing each other's uniqueness and supporting one another's desires for personal expression.

Our family can thrive in an environment filled with love, understanding, and acceptance. I want our twins to grow up in such an environment. I'm here for you, and I value your feelings and concerns.

I hope we can communicate openly and honestly, and I'm confident that we can find a path forward that allows both of us to be true to ourselves while keeping our family together. Thank you for your patience, understanding, and willingness to discuss our future together.

 

With all my love, 

[My Name]
 

 

The goal is to evoke a range of emotions that effectively conveys: reflection and nostalgia to confession and hope. Creating a heartfelt and honest tone throughout.

[LoRez]

While I'm developing this letter logically, I'm also attempting to build that emotional bridge.

 

Is there any advice on how to make this more emotional?

[LoRez]

Here's the text I shared with here to help her better understand Gender. (Of course, I translated this into Japanese for her.)

 

Quote

Imagine life is like a big party with lots of different things happening. At this party, there's a candy table with all sorts of candies of different types and colors. This candy represents sexuality. Just like some people love different candies like chocolate, gummy bears, or lollipops, people can be attracted to different types of people, like boys, girls, or both. It's like picking your favorite candy at the party!

 

Now, think of this party as a Halloween party. Everyone gets to dress up in costumes that make them happy. This is gender expression. Just like at the Halloween party, people can choose to wear different costumes that show who they are on the inside. Some might wear spooky costumes, some might dress up as superheroes, and others might wear funny costumes. It's about showing your true self and having fun!

 

Imagine the party also has a game area, like the online game "League of Legends." In the game, each character has different abilities and strengths. This is like gender roles. Just like in the game, society sometimes expects people to act in certain ways based on whether they're boys or girls. But just like in the game, people should be free to choose the roles and abilities that feel right for them. Some boys might like cooking, and some girls might enjoy playing sports. It's all about being who you want to be!

 

Lastly, picture a dessert table with all kinds of ice cream flavors. This is like gender identity. Just like you might have a favorite ice cream flavor that makes you happy, people have a gender identity that feels right for them. Some people feel like boys, some feel like girls, and some might feel like something in between or different. It's about being true to yourself and finding the flavor of gender that brings you joy!

 

Remember, just like at a party, everyone should be respected and treated kindly, no matter what candies they like, costumes they wear, roles they choose, or ice cream flavors they prefer. Celebrating each person's uniqueness makes the party of life even more colorful and exciting!

 

 

[LoRez]

Reading my analogy on gender identity, the use of ice cream isn’t very clear. I should probably rewrite that section. Any suggestions?

[Charlize]

It is difficult to give advice especially when you are dealing with a culture that is so different than mine.  I remembercstepping back and "manning up" several times over my relationship.  Both her parents and mine had died and our children were gone by the time i went full time and got honest about the gender issues i had hidden as well as i could.   Even so time, tenderness and patience were my best hope of keeping our relationship.  

It is your path.  If you can tread it with love for yourself and others it will cause less harm.  I wish i could make it easier but our societies make tis such a difficult path.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[gemmalouise]

Hey LoRez.  My own story is very different to your own but we have common ground. I didn't have any relationships of note until after I completely transitioned.  That may seem to be a happier path in some ways but believe me it was lonely.  I can't offer any advice but I wish you all the best with your family and your future.

[Vidanjali]

9 hours ago, LoRez said:

While I'm developing this letter logically, I'm also attempting to build that emotional bridge.

 

Is there any advice on how to make this more emotional?

 

Hi @LoRez . I wish you and your wife much grace and healing. In your letter, you explain a lot about your past, providing context for where you're coming from. You also provide a vision of the love and life you desire. Since you ask, my suggestion is to do some asking in the letter and also some apologizing. Please hear me out. You desire validation and understanding. So take measures to offer that to her. You explain the trauma which resulted in your suppressing yourself. Ask her if she's ever felt like she's suppressed. Putting aside any shame of feeling foolish, who has she ever dreamed she'd be? Give her something specific to answer as otherwise she may struggle to know what to say in response. You mention embracing each other's uniqueness and desires. Tell her how you find her unique, ask about her desires. Make her feel seen in your letter; that demonstrates your empathy and is more likely to draw her in. Acknowledge her fears and hurt specifically. Apologize gracefully - not apologizing for being yourself, but for any misunderstanding or miscommunication & resolve to be more candid and direct. For example, "gay for you". Explain your how your fears prevented you from being totally genuine in that moment and apologize for deflecting with humor. Emphasize your intention was never to deliberately deceive, but that you were operating on your relative level of ability to trust and understand yourself throughout the relationship - that now you're willing to let yourself out and her in & want to figure out how to do both together.

 

3 hours ago, LoRez said:

Reading my analogy on gender identity, the use of ice cream isn’t very clear. I should probably rewrite that section. Any suggestions?

 

The ice cream analogy is playful, but maybe not the best primer for someone practically unfamiliar. That is, you risk presenting gender as fun and a luxury, and not an essential part of who one is (not disparaging there are fun and luxurious aspects of gender). I would use some established resources like GLAAD dot org, for instance to introduce concepts of gender and transgender (including nonbinary). Such resources also have information on how to be an ally and how to have conversations about gender. Once that primary information and lexicon is understood, then introduce personalized analogies like ice cream, etc. to share your experience. 

[Ivy]

Wow.  This is a lot.

In my own experience I didn't come out as trans to my wife - or self for that matter - until we had separated.  I think a lot of the problems that led up to this were due to me not accepting who I was and hiding it.  But at that point our kids were adults, so that wasn't as much of an issue either.  I will say that we still remain friends although no longer married.

In your case, you are also dealing with a cross-cultural issue as well.

I'm hoping for the best for you.

[Betty K]

My condolences for your situation, @LoRez, it sounds super tough. I just wanted to emphasise Vidanjali’s point about the party analogy: I am just certain that your wife will respond badly to it. She has already accused you of selfishness for wanting to affirm your gender identity; my impression is that she expects seriousness and self-sacrifice from a husband. I don’t know if you suffer dysphoria, but if so it may be better to emphasise that fact. If she can understand that your gender identity is not a choice, and that you feel pain when you‘re gender identity and gender expression do not align, then she may accept that you are not just being irresponsible. I also think it is important to apologise for having deceived her in the past, but to emphasise that this was not wilful deception, and that you (I imagine) deceived yourself too. I always feel for wives in this situation: they did not sign up for this journey. That is not to say I think your wife is in the right here — I don’t — but I do think she deserves an apology.

 

Best of luck!

[LoRez]

How about this revised analogy?

 

Quote

Imagine life as an extraordinary Halloween party where everyone has a chance to express themselves uniquely. At this party, there's a table with a delightful assortment of masks, each representing an essential part of who we are. Just as some people have a favorite mask that resonates with their inner identity, individuals have a gender identity that reflects their true self. Some may identify as male, some as female, and others might find that their gender identity falls somewhere in between or outside of these categories. It's about discovering the mask that represents your inner self—an internal view of yourself.

 

Now, think of this party as a costume extravaganza where everyone gets to choose their outfits. This is where gender expression comes into play. Just like at the costume party, people can select clothing and styles that represent their inner selves and make them feel happy. Some may choose elegant attire, some may go for a casual look, and others might explore various styles. Gender expression is all about how you outwardly display your authentic self to the world—an external display of self.

 

At this grand Halloween party of life, there's also a section with a diverse selection of candies, symbolizing human sexuality. Just as people have different preferences when it comes to candies, some are attracted to different genders or a mix of genders. It's similar to picking your favorite candy at the party—a reflection of your unique attractions and desires.

 

Now, as you browse the masks table, you decide to pick one that represents a magical wizard because that's what truly resonates with your inner self at this party. That's your gender expression—how you choose to display your wizard identity to others through your costume. However, beneath your wizard costume, you wear the mask that reflects your true essence, your gender identity—an internal view of your authentic self.

 

So, whether you wear the mask of a wizard or any other mask that reflects your inner essence, whether you enjoy chocolate or vanilla candy, and whether your candy preferences are sweet or sour, the key is to celebrate and respect each person's individuality. Just as at a Halloween party, where every unique mask adds to the fun, embracing and celebrating diverse gender identities and expressions enriches the grand Halloween party of life!

 

And just like at our Halloween party, it's important to understand that the mask you choose to wear doesn't always have to match the costume you put on. Some partygoers might pick a mask that reflects their inner essence as a wise wizard but decide to wear a costume that looks more like a daring pirate. Similarly, some individuals may identify as nonbinary or genderqueer but choose to express themselves in ways that align with a particular gender, like feminine or masculine. It's a reminder that gender identity and expression are wonderfully diverse, and everyone's unique combination is worthy of celebration.

Would this be more clear to as an introduction to these important terms?

[LoRez]

Okay, this analogy seems a lot better. What do you think?
 

Quote

Imagine life as a grand masquerade ball, a place of diversity and self-expression. At this splendid ball, you'll find various elements, each with its unique role.

 

First, think of the guests' attire as their gender expression - an external display of self. Just as people at the ball wear different masks and costumes to reveal their inner selves, individuals in life can choose how they express their gender on the outside. Some may prefer elegant masks, exuding grace and charm, while others opt for bold and vibrant disguises, radiating confidence and strength.

 

Now, consider gender identity as the innermost feelings and perceptions one holds about their gender. It's like the secret identity a masquerader keeps behind their mask. Some may identify with the role traditionally associated with their birth-assigned gender, while others may feel a strong connection to a different gender or a beautiful blend of several. It's about being true to oneself and honoring those deeply held feelings. Gender identity is an internal view of self.

 

In this majestic ballroom, there's a dance floor where societal expectations come into play – these are the gender roles. Just as some dances have prescribed steps, society sometimes suggests specific roles and behaviors based on gender. But, much like at our masquerade, people should have the freedom to choose their dance, whether it's the waltz, the tango, or a unique choreography of their own creation.

 

Lastly, the ball offers a chance to form connections and bonds, much like human attraction and sexuality. Just as guests might be drawn to partners who complement their style or energy, individuals can experience various forms of attraction, whether it's to those of the same gender, a different one, or any gender under the sun.

 

Remember, at this grand masquerade of life, every attendee brings their unique flair, and no two journeys are the same. Celebrating this diversity makes the dance of existence all the more vibrant and enchanting!
 

 

[LoRez]

"Future Vision" revision 202309281352

Quote

 

Dear [spouse name],

 

Over 11 years ago, when we first met at the Starbucks near Chiba station, I drew out my vision of the family I hoped to build. It was a vision filled with love, understanding, and the joys of raising our wonderful kids. That vision was the foundation of our relationship, and it continues to be the core of everything I hold dear.

My vision has always been about family. It's about how I see our future together, and it extends far beyond the present moment. I imagine my last day on Earth surrounded by a loving family, our sons growing into strong and compassionate individuals. I envision being there as "PaPa" for them, supporting and guiding them through life's rollercoaster.

 

 

I imagine a life where you and I, as an accepting couple, embrace each other with open arms and enjoy a lifetime of bear hugs. I want to see our family grow, witness our grandchildren's milestones, and pass on the wisdom we've gained over the years. I dream of building a grand house where our kids' children could live, a place where we spend winters by the fireplace and skiing on the snowy slopes; and summers in the mountains hiking together. A home where we could enjoy the garden of fresh vegetables and home-cooked bread.

 

 

I need to talk about the past three years. They've been rather challenging years of my life. A cloud of depression settled over me, and it felt like an impenetrable darkness. These past three years have been a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and healing for me. During this time, I've come to understand the importance of empathy and connection on a deeper level. I realized that to continue on the path we've set for our family, I needed to confront aspects of my personality that had been repressed for so long. To integrate all aspects of my personality and remove the seals on everything repressed. It's not just about my journey; it's about us, as a couple, navigating life's challenges and joys together.

 

 

I dug deep into my past, examining the moments of fear, repression, and pain that shaped my decisions. When I was just a child, less than five years old, full of curiosity and innocence, I used to sneak into my mother's closet when no one was watching - drawn to the vibrant colors and soft fabrics that enveloped her clothes. It was a secret world where I could escape, where my imagination could run free. But even then, there was fear of discovery, a fear of judgment, and a fear of violence. I knew that being true to myself could lead to harsh consequences.

 

 

As I grew older, I witnessed the cruelty of an oppressive culture that dictated how everyone should behave. Men were expected to conform to rigid standards of strength, dominance, and misogyny, while women were unfairly burdened with submissive roles. Non-conformity was met with violence and hatred. A reality I couldn't ignore.

 

 

One of the most haunting experiences that shaped my life was seeing the violence inflicted upon my older brother. He displayed what society considered "gay tendencies," and for that, he faced brutal attacks from those who couldn't accept his gender expressions. The black and blue bruises on my brother's arms and body served as a warning. I stood helpless, witnessing the suffering he endured at the hands of family and "friends," knowing that the same fate awaited me if I ever dared to express my true nature.

This environment fostered an intense fear, one that pushed me further into hiding. I learned to repress my emotions, suppress my desires, and battle with body dysphoria issues that haunted me through puberty. My journey was marked by loneliness, and I felt trapped in a life that denied me the freedom to be myself.

 

 

My struggle with body image was particularly dreadful. I had gynecomastia since my middle school years, which only added to the isolation and despair. The world was unkind to those who didn't fit its dim and narrow view of man and woman. I faced harsh discrimination and cruelty due to my weight and appearance. This mistreatment left scars that ran deep, pushing me further into depression.

 

 

But from the depths of that despair, I found a well of strength. I battled the relentless darkness of depression and turned it into a burning desire to change. I made a choice one day that I must "do or die." I stopped running from my past and started running towards my future. That decision set me on a path where I could no longer live in my old "home." I escaped Texas and ran across the States, eventually finding solace in Japan. A more accepting culture that allowed me to explore my true self. One that isn't as oppressive as that influenced by American Christianity.

 

 

I worked hard to make my dream of a family come true. Having grown up in a broken home, I wanted to build something new. I built a dream where my family would play in the mountains. Enjoy many adventures together. And, I focused solely on making that dream happen.

 

 

I want to emphasize that my gender identity and expression is not a choice; but an intrinsic part of who I am. I've come to understand that living authentically is essential for my well-being. It's not about selfishness; it's about self-preservation and mental health. The dysphoria I've experienced is real and an agonizing depression. I hope that you can understand the pain I've endured when my gender identity and gender expression don't align.

 

 

Now, I need you to understand that our family's future is still deeply important to me. My "sudden" change is not a rejection of our shared vision, but an affirmation of it. I want us to live as a family that embraces love, understanding, and acceptance in the present moment. It means being true to ourselves and allowing each member to express their identities and desires openly.

 

 

When we first met, you asked if I was gay. Remember when you said to me, "you are gay?" I responded, "Yes, for you. I am gay, for you." While it was a playful exchange, I want to clarify that I identify as bisexual. This means I am mostly attracted to women. However, it's crucial to understand that my love and commitment to our family have not changed. My sexuality is just one aspect of my personality that I'm sharing with you now.

 

 

Despite these struggles, one thing remains constant — my love for you and our family. I want you to know that these revelations about my identity, sexuality, and expression don't diminish my love or commitment to our family. They are just another layer of my complex personality, a layer that I'm finally ready to share.

 

 

I realize this is all unfamiliar and probably creates many questions. I'm willing to give you all the time you need to process and understand it better. Our future together remains important to me, and I believe that we can navigate this journey together, embracing each other's uniqueness and supporting one another's desires for personal expression.

 

 

Our family can thrive in an environment filled with love, understanding, and acceptance. I want our twins to grow up in such an environment. I'm here for you, and I value your feelings and concerns.

 

 

I'd like to ask you about your own dreams and desires. Have you ever felt like you've had to suppress a part of yourself or your aspirations? What are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, both in our relationship and in your external life? I want to make sure that we create a space where we can be our true selves and support each other's dreams. How do you see yourself in your final years?

 

 

I also want to acknowledge that at times, my communication may not have been as clear as I could have. It's important to clarify that this was not a deliberate attempt at deception, but rather a reflection of my own struggles in fully understanding and accepting myself. I hope you can understand that I was navigating uncertain aspects of myself, trying to find the right words to express what I was going through. I apologize if this caused any hurt or confusion, as that was never my intention.

 

 

I also want to acknowledge any fears or hurt you may have experienced during this time of change. I'm sorry if my actions or communication have caused misunderstandings or pain. I understand that this journey has not been easy for either of us, and I'm committed to finding a way for us to move forward together.

 

 

I hope we can communicate openly and honestly, and find a path forward that allows both of us to be true to ourselves while keeping our family together. Thank you for your patience, empathy, understanding, and willingness to discuss our future together.

 

 

With all my love, 

[My name]

 

 

This version integratest the suggestions of @Betty K and @Vidanjali .

What do you think of the visual language, tone, flow, and emotional aspects of this letter?

Objective critiques and suggestions welcomed.

[LoRez]

One thing I see missing is further clarification on my current gender expression in women's clothes. While I allude to it in the historical context of escaping into my mother's closet, I don't really address how I intend to move forward. As of late, I always wear a bra and pantyhose along with hakama pants at work and around my wife and her parents. If she were more accepting, I'd wear women's clothes all the time. At work, however, I intend to make this a very slow transition. Eventually, everyone would either accept it... Or, I'll find a new company for better pay. I would, however, keep my clothing unisex around her parents as I feel the the generational gap is too wide to accept my changes.

 

I'm thinking this will best be served as a second letter after she has taken the time to consider this letter.

This could allow me to address her concerns and intentions more directly without potentially overwhelming the emotional content of my initial letter, which emphasizes my love and commitment to the family.

 

I can imagine that my wife will continue to ask the question: "Do you want to be a woman?" She has already explained that if I responded "yes" that she would immediately process the divorce papers and move back with her parents... all despite not having the financial means to support such a move.

 

Here's the rough draft of that letter:

 

Quote

 

I also want to share with you my current gender expression. Lately, you might have noticed that I've been wearing women's clothing, such as bras and pantyhose, along with hakama pants at work and around you and your parents. This is a significant part of my journey towards living authentically. It's my way of expressing who I truly am.

 

 

I understand that this might be a lot to take in, and I want to reassure you that I respect your comfort and boundaries. My intention is to transition slowly, especially at work, to ensure a smooth and respectful process for everyone involved. I believe that over time, understanding and acceptance can grow, both in the workplace and within our circle of friends and family.

 

 

Around your parents, I intend to keep my clothing unisex, as I recognize that it may be challenging for them to accept these changes due to generational differences. Their comfort and peace of mind are also important to me, and I want to be considerate of their feelings.

 

 

I want you to know that my journey of self-discovery and acceptance doesn't change my love and commitment to our family. It's simply an extension of who I am, and I hope that, in time, we can all embrace these changes together as we continue to nurture the love and understanding that have always been the foundation of our relationship.

 

 

Your understanding, patience, and support mean the world to me, and I'm committed to working through these changes together, step by step. Our family's happiness and well-being remain my top priorities, and I'm excited about the future as we navigate it together.

 

 

Please feel free to share your thoughts and concerns about this aspect as well. Your input is invaluable, and I want us to be open and honest as we move forward.

 

 

With all my love,

[Your Name]

 

 

I'm wondering if this would be better as a second letter or to integrate it with my existing "Future Vision" letter.

[Susan R]

@LoRez, This is a beautifully written letter. You’ve included some key points that are important in a letter of this type…IMHO.

16 minutes ago, LoRez said:

I realize this is all unfamiliar and probably creates many questions. I'm willing to give you all the time you need to process and understand it better. Our future together remains important to me, and I believe that we can navigate this journey together, embracing each other's uniqueness and supporting one another's desires for personal expression.

This section is outstanding. This may help your spouse relax a bit. After reading the first portion, change is coming and this seems to show that you will work through it with them and at their pace.

 

19 minutes ago, LoRez said:

I'd like to ask you about your own dreams and desires. Have you ever felt like you've had to suppress a part of yourself or your aspirations? What are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, both in our relationship and in your external life? I want to make sure that we create a space where we can be our true selves and support each other's dreams. How do you see yourself in your final years?

This part shows your empathy for them and your realization of possible conflicts that may arise due to changes (yet to be discussed with them or added later).

 

I think this is very good in its current form.

 

13 minutes ago, LoRez said:

I'm wondering if this would be better as a second letter or to integrate it with my existing "Future Vision" letter.

You could do it that way. What you added is nicely written and explains in detail what your plan is and I think it is necessary at some point, of course. Alternatively, you might just paraphrase the key points in your addendum with a little less detail and include those details for a future ‘one on one’ discussion. There will be plenty of time for conversations and you could discuss this with them in a more personal setting if you’re comfortable doing it that way.

 

I know how difficult this is. You want everything to be perfect to give them the best possible chance at acceptance and understanding. For what it’s worth…This is one of the best ones I’ve read. Well done!!

 

My Best,

Susan R

 

 

[Vidanjali]

8 hours ago, LoRez said:

"Future Vision" revision 202309281352

 

This version integratest the suggestions of @Betty K and @Vidanjali .

What do you think of the visual language, tone, flow, and emotional aspects of this letter?

Objective critiques and suggestions welcomed.

 

8 hours ago, LoRez said:

I'm wondering if this would be better as a second letter or to integrate it with my existing "Future Vision" letter.

 

@LoRez I like what you've added. I would suggest taking some time to incorporate that additional text and the text of your other letter into one whole. Think about a timeline. You share your past trauma. Then ask about how her past has shaped her. You mention "sudden" change, but don't elaborate on the use of quotations. Insert part of your apology there as well as the explanation that this has always been a part of you, albeit repressed. Then ask about her aspirations. Etc. Right now it reads as "the me section" then "the you section". You can bring this all together and it will be lovely - make the whole letter about "us". E.g. the last 3 years have been hard on us (instead of me) bc I'm aware each of our emotional states affects the other... 

 

13 hours ago, LoRez said:

Okay, this analogy seems a lot better. What do you think?

 

I think such analogies just don't resonate with me personally - I'm more interested in basic elements.

 

That said, my suggestion would be to introduce gender ID first as trans affirmation is about the unmasking & I think that should be emphasized as the starting point. 

 

Here's a post I made last year sharing a Transgender Day of Remembrance article I'd written for a Christian audience. If you care to read & if you're spiritual at all, you can adapt the spiritual language into whatever concept you like (I personally take a pantheistic view); and if not, just skip those parts. In the article my aim was to educate those not familiar with thinking about gender. If any of this helps, feel free to use or adapt. 

 

 

[LoRez]

@Vidanjali,

 

I really like how you explain transgenderism for the wider audience. I'll translate this for my wife as it would better serve our discussion than the analogy I tried to create. That analogy is probably better for those already acquainted with the general concepts. However, my cisgendered wife is mostly ignorant on this topic.

 

As for the ongoing revisions of my "Future Vision" letter, here's the latest version:

Quote

Dear [spouse name],

Over 11 years ago, when we first met at the Starbucks near Chiba station, I drew out my vision of the family I hoped to build. It was a vision filled with love, understanding, and the joys of raising our wonderful kids. I drew out a house in the mountains of Japan and a car with the kids in the back. That vision was the foundation of our relationship, and it continues to be the core of everything I hold dear.

My vision has always been about family. It's about how I see our future together, and it extends far beyond the present moment. I imagine my last day on Earth surrounded by friends and a loving family, our sons growing into strong and compassionate individuals. I envision being there as "PaPa" for them, supporting and guiding them through life's rollercoaster.

I imagine a life where you and I, as an accepting couple, embrace each other with open arms and enjoy a lifetime of bear hugs. I want to see our family grow, witness our grandchildren's milestones, and pass on the wisdom we gained over the years. I dream of building a grand house where our kids' children could live, a place where we spend winters by the fireplace and skiing on the snowy slopes; and summers in the mountains hiking together. A home where we could enjoy the garden of fresh vegetables and home-cooked breads.

Before we explore our shared future, I want to reflect on our pasts. Just as my experiences have shaped who I am today, I'm curious to learn about the moments in your life that have influenced your journey. How have your past experiences, joys, and challenges shaped the person you are now?

These past few years have been a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance, and healing for me. During this time, I've come to understand the importance of empathy and connection on a deeper level. I realized that to continue on the path we've set for our family, I needed to confront aspects of my personality that had been repressed for too long. To integrate all aspects of my personality and remove the barriers on everything repressed. It's not just about my journey; it's about us, as a couple, navigating life's challenges and joys together.

I dug deep into my past, examining the moments of fear, repression, and pain that shaped my life. When I was a child, less than five years old, full of curiosity and innocence, I used to sneak into my mother's closet when no one was watching - drawn to the vibrant colors and soft fabrics that enveloped her clothes. It was a secret world where I could escape, where my imagination could run free. But even then, there was fear of discovery, a fear of judgment, and a fear of violence. I knew that being true to myself could lead to harsh consequences.

As I grew older, I witnessed the cruelty of an oppressive culture that dictated how everyone should behave. Men were expected to conform to rigid standards of strength, dominance, and misogyny, while women were unfairly burdened with submissive roles. Non-conformity was met with violence and hatred. A reality I couldn't ignore.

One of the most haunting experiences that shaped my life was seeing the violence inflicted upon my older brother. He displayed what society considered "gay tendencies," and for that, he faced brutal attacks from those who couldn't accept his gender expressions. The black and blue bruises on my brother's arms and body served as a warning. I stood helpless, witnessing the suffering he endured at the hands of family and "friends," knowing that the same fate awaited me if I ever dared to express my true nature.

This environment fostered an intense fear, one that pushed me further into hiding. I learned to repress my emotions, suppress my desires, and battle with body dysphoria issues that haunted me through puberty. My journey was marked by loneliness, and I felt trapped in a life that denied the freedom to be myself.

My struggle with body image was particularly dreadful. I had gynecomastia since my middle school years, which only added to the isolation and despair. The world was unkind to those who didn't fit its dim and narrow view of man and woman. I faced harsh discrimination and cruelty due to my weight and appearance. This mistreatment left scars that ran deep, pushing me further into depression.

But from the depths of that despair, I found a well of strength. I battled the relentless darkness of depression and turned it into a burning fire to change. I made a choice one day that I must "do or die." I stopped running from my past and started running towards my future. That decision set me on a path where I could no longer live in my old "home." I escaped Texas and ran across the States, eventually finding solace in Japan. A more accepting culture where I could explore my true self. One that isn't as oppressive as that influenced by American Christianity.

I worked hard to make my dream of a family come true. Having grown up in a broken home, I wanted to build something new. I built a dream where my family would play in the mountains, enjoy many adventures together. And, I focused solely on making that dream happen.

Now, let's talk about the past three years. They've been challenging years for both of us. The emotional turmoil that I experienced during this time, as I began to confront and embrace my true self, had a profound impact on our relationship. I understand that my "sudden" change may have been confusing and even frightening. The use of quotations around "sudden" is not to downplay the magnitude of these changes but to emphasize that this has always been a part of me, albeit repressed.

I want to emphasize that my gender identity and expression are not choices; they are intrinsic parts of who I am. Expressing myself in women's clothing has been a source of emotional relief, helping combat my depression and body image issues that have plagued me for so long. It's a vital aspect of my journey towards authenticity, and it brings a sense of well-being and comfort.

As of late, I always wear a bra and pantyhose along with hakama pants at work and around you. If you were more understanding and accepting, I'd wear women's clothes all the time. At work, however, I intend to make this transition rather gradually, allowing time for understanding and acceptance to grow among colleagues. I believe that over time, my colleagues will come to see the same person they've known all along. Around your parents, I plan to keep my clothing unisex, as I understand that this may be challenging for them due to generational differences. Their comfort and peace of mind are also important to me, and I want to be considerate of their feelings.

I want you to know that my journey of self-discovery and acceptance doesn't change my love and commitment to our family. It's simply an extension of who I am, and I hope that, in time, we can all embrace these changes together as we continue to nurture the love and understanding that have always been the foundation of our relationship.

My gender identity is complex, and it's not about a desire to be something entirely different from who I am. It's about aligning my outward expression with my internal sense of self. It's a journey of authenticity and self-acceptance. "Do I want to become a woman?" While I feel comfortable and relieved when expressing myself in women's clothing, it doesn't necessarily mean I want to undergo a full gender transition. I want to be true to myself and find a balance that allows me to live authentically without compromising the love and commitment I have for our family.

The last three years have been hard on both of us because I'm aware that each of our emotional states affects the other. I value your feelings and concerns, and I'm committed to working through these changes together, step by step.

Before closing, I'd like to ask you about your own dreams and desires. Have you ever felt like you've had to suppress a part of yourself or your aspirations? What are the things that bring you joy and fulfillment, both in our relationship and in your external life? How do you see yourself in your final years? I want to make sure that we create a space where we can be our true selves and support each other's dreams.

I also want to acknowledge that at times, my communication may not have been as clear as it could have. It's important to clarify that this was not a deliberate attempt at deception, but rather a reflection of my own struggles in fully understanding and accepting myself. I hope you can understand that I was navigating uncertain aspects of myself, trying to find the right words to express what I was going through. I apologize if this caused any hurt or confusion, as that was never my intention.

I also want to acknowledge any fears or hurt you may have experienced during this time of change. I'm sorry if my actions or communication have caused misunderstandings or pain. I understand that this journey has not been easy for either of us, and I'm committed to finding a way for us to move forward together.

In closing, our journey together continues, and I believe that as we navigate these challenges, we can emerge stronger and more united. Thank you for your patience, empathy, understanding, and willingness to discuss our future together.

With all my love, 

[Your Name]
 

I've tried to anticipate her major question and incorporate an answer to it.

What do you think of the visual language, tone, flow, and emotional aspects of this letter?

Objective critiques and suggestions welcomed.

[LoRez]

Regarding the analogy, I’ve taken @Vidanjali’s advice and rearranged the text. 
 

Quote

Gender Analogy - Grand Ball

 

Imagine life as a grand masquerade ball, a place of diversity and self-expression. At this splendid ball, you’ll find various elements, each with its unique role.

 

Let’s start with the essence of this masquerade: gender identity, the innermost feelings and perceptionsone holds about their gender. It’s like the secret identity a masquerader keeps behind their mask. Some may identify with the role traditionally associated with their birth-assigned gender, while others may feel a strong connection to a different gender or a beautiful blend of several. It’s about being true to oneself and honoring those deeply held feelings. Gender identity is your personal, internal view of self.

 

Now, think of the guests’ attire as their gender expression—an external display of self. Just as people at the ball wear different masks and costumes to reveal their inner selves, individuals in life can choose how they express their gender on the outside. Some may prefer elegant masks, exuding grace and charm, while others opt for bold and vibrant disguises, radiating confidence and strength.

 

In this majestic ballroom, there’s a dance floor where societal expectations come into play—these are the gender roles. Just as some dances have prescribed steps, society sometimes suggests specific roles and behaviors based on gender. But, much like at our masquerade, people should have the freedom to choose their dance, whether it’s the waltz, the tango, or a unique choreography of their own creation.

 

Lastly, the ball offers a chance to form connections and bonds, much like human attraction and sexuality. Just as guests might be drawn to partners who complement their style or energy, individuals can experience various forms of attraction, whether it’s to those of the same gender, a different one, or any gender under the sun.

 

Remember, at this grand masquerade of life, every attendee brings their unique flair, and no two journeys are the same. Celebrating this diversity makes the dance of existence all the more vibrant and enchanting!

Is this version any better?

[Vidanjali]

On 9/28/2023 at 11:28 PM, LoRez said:

@Vidanjali,

 

I really like how you explain transgenderism for the wider audience. I'll translate this for my wife as it would better serve our discussion than the analogy I tried to create. That analogy is probably better for those already acquainted with the general concepts. However, my cisgendered wife is mostly ignorant on this topic.

 

As for the ongoing revisions of my "Future Vision" letter, here's the latest version:

I've tried to anticipate her major question and incorporate an answer to it.

What do you think of the visual language, tone, flow, and emotional aspects of this letter?

Objective critiques and suggestions welcomed.

 

Your letter is really coming along @LoRez I pray the best for your entire family.