My Cd'ing Story From Top To Bottom

[Guest ParalyzedCD]

I read Sarah23’s story about when she started crossdressing and it made me want to tell my story. My story is rather unique. So here goes…

The first thing I can remember about crossdressing or doing anything femme was probably when I was around 5 or 6. I can remember whenever my mom would get ready or do her hair, I would ask her to do my hair. She would always put hairspray in my hair. I never knew why but it made me feel good.

Probably around the same time, my dad worked the night shift at a trucking company. He would drop me off at my grandma’s house for the night and pick me up around noon the next day. The room I stayed in was the guest room. My grandma had a lot of shoes that she used for church and kept some in the guest room. In the mornings, I would wait until my grandma wasn’t around and put some of her heels on and walk in the guest room. The shoes I remember the most was a pair of high heel red pumps that had a gold bottom and a shiny gold inside that I loved.

A few years later I decided to raid my moms closet and dresser. In her dresser I took a few pairs of pantyhose, some panties, 2 bras, and my favorite thing was a Danskin leotard. In her closet, I took a long skirt with the matching blouse, and a pair of mid-heel pumps. The shoes were my favorite find in the closet. They were black suede with red and purple suede in the toe of them. During the summer was when I took all of this stuff. In the evenings my dad was away coaching football and my younger brother was on that team and my mom went with them. I always wanted to stay home to dress up. I would prance around in everything I felt like I was in heaven. Once school started back up, I would wait until everyone went to bed at night, lock my door, and dress up. I would usually “play” with my femme stuff for an hour and go to bed. Sometimes I would put all of the pantyhose I had on with the Danskin leotard on top and go to bed for a while.

Before too long, my mom found all of my stuff. My parents tried to talk to me, ask me if I was gay and all I did was shut them out and try to act like nothing happened. I should have talked to them and told them how I felt but I was ashamed and too embarrassed to talk to them. I know my mom would have been ok with my crossdressing and helped me out. I don’t think my dad would’ve been ok if I was open about everything. I would get bad vibes from him every now and then, almost like he was disappointed in me.

Anyways, after they took my stash, I didn’t have the urge to dress for months. Then when my mom left the laundry basket in the laundry room, which is next to my room, I would take some of her panties or bra’s and dress up at night and put them back after I was done. Around this time, my aunt had to move some of her belongings to our house because she didn’t have room for them. There was a dresser that was full of clothes that ended up at our house. It was like a goldmine! I had a ton of femme clothes that basically became mine. I ended up spending a lot of time in the basement. I decided to snoop around the basement and found some clothes my mom had from when she was in high school. There were some panties and jeans that I adopted. Also a new neighbor moved in down the street and I became friends with one of the sons. His mom was kind of partier and had a lot of nice clothes and shoes. I never got the guts to snoop into her closet but I did see two pairs of shoes in their garage. One day on my way home, I stuffed the shoes in my coat and headed home.

I loved those shoes because they were my size! After a few months I purged everything. Well…I didn’t get rid of everything, I got everything back from the garbage before the garbage truck came. I continued using these clothes for around 6 months before I did purge everything.

After a month I started to miss my stash and hated myself for purging. With my aunts dresser still in the basement I dug back into her stuff to see what was left. I took some stuff but there were no bra’s or panties that fit me. I had a friend down the street whose mom was around my size. She did laundry in the basement which is where we hung out. I got a few moments alone which was enough to snag a purple bra and a pair of pantyhose. I dressed up all summer in my room, locked my door if my little brother was home. I would go upstairs to my parents bedroom and dressed in my moms closet and bathroom when home alone. This is when I first started experimenting with make-up. It made me feel so girly. My favorite part of make-up was eyeliner and mascara. I would put all the make-up on, use some hairspray and comb my hair off to one side and try on my moms dresses, pant suits, blouses, and skirts. I had a soft spot for this one dress. It had a white top with a green and white stripped skirt with a matching jacket/blazer. I usually would try on some stuff then put the green and white dress suit on last and go on the computer and look up things about cross dressers. I would sometimes take a few pantiliners and tampons from under my moms sink. I would insert the tampon in my you-know-what and wear the pantiliner and pretend I was all woman. One day while snooping in the closet, I found some of my moms sex toys. I liked the vibrating bullet with a remote a lot. I would put a condom on the bullet and use it. I loved using it because it made me think I was girl. I took a dildo and tried to use it but it was too big for me. I felt strange about this stuff, almost gay, but new I wasn’t and continued on.

I was now 16 and got my license. I had this friend with a sister around 25 or 26 years old. I wanted so bad to get into her room and take a few things from her dresser. Well I finally got my chance when I was left alone finishing working on my friends car and had to clean a few things up. I knew I had time so I went up to her room and snooped around. I took some thongs, a pair of pantyhose, some silky pajama pants, a few take tops, and a mini skirt. No, not everything was from her room. There was a spare bedroom that his sister kept some of her old clothes. The best thing I liked about this stash were the thongs. I had never worn a thong before and I got so turned on every time I wore them.

Since I was driving, I talked myself into stopping into a Walgreens to buy some pantyhose. I told the clerk I needed them for a science experiment. I used the same lame excuse when I went to a Meijer to buy a pair of heels. They were some gold strappy high heeled sandals. I put them on as soon as I got into my car. Driving with heels on felt so invigorating. Sadly, I purged everything after 6 months or so.

I now had nothing to dress with and was kind of depressed. One day after work, I decided to go buy some womens shoes. I bought a pair of black high heeled pumps in size 11. They fit perfect! I loved these shoes so much. A couple days later I was at my friends house one night and was in his bathroom. He had a sister a year younger than me and his mom had to dress up for work a lot. I knew there had to be something in their bathroom because there was a closet inside it. I opened up the closet and there was a drawer full of thigh-highs and pantyhose! I took a pair of black stay-up thigh-highs and some nude pantyhose. When I got home that night, I took a shower and shaved my legs. This was the second time I shaved my legs but I had never worn pantyhose on my bare legs. The feeling was incredible! It was an instant turn on! I only had the thigh-highs, pantyhose, and the pumps a this time and was getting ready to buy some clothes because I was tired of stealing clothes.

Then the unthinkable happened. I was a passenger in my friends car when he rolled it and I became a C6 Quadriplegic. I haven’t dressed since my accident which was around 3 years ago. I’m disgusted at what’s become of my body since my injury. My femme side is depressed and dying to come out and be free. It hurts every day. My male side, on the other hand, is joyful, upbeat and happy as hell. If you knew me, you’d never guess how I feel inside. I know my story is long and drawn out but I wanted to tell my story as I remember it. I rethink it every day. I’m hoping for a cure for spinal cord injury so I can get back to dressing again except this time I’ll buy instead of stealing clothes! I don’t have the guts let my femme side while I’m like this. If I did I’d be coming out to caregivers and nurses…screw that!

[Guest ~Brenda~]

My Dear Sweetie

Having a tragic accident like yours is something I can only sympathize with but never truely understand. I am so sorry that your female expression got sidetracked by this accident. Hon, as unbelievable as this may sound, coming out to your care givers is actually the right thing to do. Your body is injured, there is no reason why your mind should be. Your care givers are there for you and your happiness... your identity. Of all people, nurses and doctors are trained to be supportive and non judgemental. Trust them... you will be much happier!!!

HUGS

Brenda

[Guest Emily H]

My friend, I could really relate well to your story. Its amazing how you can meet somebody who has the same qualities, and many of the same experiences you do, when oyu thought nobody else would.

My advice to you is to live who you are. It is hard for everybody, and life can only invent new ways to make it harder. Do not suppress what you feel. You know how you feel, and with that, you have the power to change your life.

[Guest ParalyzedCD]

My Dear Sweetie

Having a tragic accident like yours is something I can only sympathize with but never truely understand. I am so sorry that your female expression got sidetracked by this accident. Hon, as unbelievable as this may sound, coming out to your care givers is actually the right thing to do. Your body is injured, there is no reason why your mind should be. Your care givers are there for you and your happiness... your identity. Of all people, nurses and doctors are trained to be supportive and non judgemental. Trust them... you will be much happier!!!

HUGS

Brenda

i know i'd be happier but i feel like i'd be letting some people and friends down. i don't want to drive people away from me. i have a girlfriend and i don't want to lose her. the plus side to my girlfriend is that she is going to school for psychology and is interested in gender indentity issues. i know she will understand everything but i don't want her to freak out and leave me.

My advice to you is to live who you are. It is hard for everybody, and life can only invent new ways to make it harder. Do not suppress what you feel. You know how you feel, and with that, you have the power to change your life.

thanks for the advice. that's the best advice i've heard in a long time.

[Guest ParalyzedCD]

i'm innterested in having my story posted in Laura's-Playground's Personal Member Articles like Sarah23's. i would like the fact that people have another place to read a cd's biography.

[Carolyn Marie]

I share a lot of your early experiences. I too poked around in my mother's closet and tried on her things when I was that age. It felt so

right to wear them, but I didn't like sneaking around. I purged and shopped at various points in my life for years, but put my femme side

away for 20 years when I got married. But, as you know yourself, it never really goes away, and always returns sooner or later, and usually

the need to dress and express your feminine side is even stronger.

You've gotten some good advice from Brenda and Andrea. The only way to be happy and at peace with yourself is to find a way to express

your feminine side. If you girlfriend is studying up on such things and has told you she wants to learn about TG issues, then I would

hope she would be more understanding than most. If she cares about you and your needs, I think she will support you.

Good luck to you, and I hope you post more. If you already have five or more posts, you can send private messages (PMs) to members.

You are certainly welcome to PM me if you like.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie