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Friday Night Alone - Feeling Lonely and Down


emeraldmountain

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Hi,

 

As a new user to this site, I'd like to thank everyone for their kindness and input.

 

So, it's a Friday and I am once again home alone...a problem for many, many years of my life.

 

Don't have any friends in my area. The few friends I have live outside of my area are not LGBT and/or have young families.

 

I'm feeling so very, very lonely...for years and years.

 

How do you get out to meet people in real life who are trans/nonbinary/friendly cis people? Night life, dating, friendships...seems so far out of my grasp.

 

I know there are meetups, etc., but I would be going alone and as a shy person early in transition, it's daunting and honestly terrifying (also the literal concern of going out at night alone and fearing for my safety). Scary to do this as someone who is at the beginning of their transition and looks gender nonconforming.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Have a good weekend.

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Most trans people suffer loneliness, me included. It is hard to find friends who understand us enough that we can relate to. I joined Meetup, and sometimes you out with my local LBGT group through Meetup, but, although they are nice, I haven't developed any ongoing friendships with them. I guess this is why I involve myself with zoom meetings with a couple of Trans groups. It's not the same as physically being with someone, but at least I get to talk to people who understand me.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

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@AllieJThank you Allie for your thoughts. It's helpful to hear that I'm not alone. I'm sorry you also have feelings of loneliness. However, I'm glad to hear that you've been able to meet like minded people on Zoom.

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2 minutes ago, emeraldmountain said:

@AllieJThank you Allie for your thoughts. It's helpful to hear that I'm not alone. I'm sorry you also have feelings of loneliness. However, I'm glad to hear that you've been able to meet like minded people on Zoom.

You are far from alone with loneliness (sounds like an oxymoron!) as most trans people endure this, so this thread may be of great help to many. Though it has been over 2 years, I am still mourning the loss of my life partner (divorce), and the pain is still so raw I am not open to starting another relationship. I live in a regional area, and to my knowledge I am the only out trans person in my community. I doubt this is a rare story among our community, and it means I watch tv or spend time online rather than with other people. It sucks, I am a type of person who needs someone to care for, but I have nobody. I sometimes have my grandchildren stay with me, and these are the happiest times of my life, but my house is dead when they go home, some 90 minutes away. 

 

So I distract myself with other interests when I can, and spend time online with my trans community to keep me connected. I do hope one day I will meet someone who will fill my life, but right now it doesn't feel likely.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

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@AllieJI'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

 

I'm sending kind thoughts your way, hoping you find someone who will help fill your life.

 

It's morning over there in Australia, so I hope you have a peaceful and wonderful day.

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4 hours ago, emeraldmountain said:

I'm feeling so very, very lonely...for years and years.

 

How do you get out to meet people in real life who are trans/nonbinary/friendly cis people? Night life, dating, friendships...seems so far out of my grasp.

 

This is a widespread problem, and not just for trans folks.  They say that loneliness is as bad for you as smoking a pack of cigarettes daily, and it is one of the worst epidemics in the 21st century.  Unfortunately, it seems like solving it isn't easy, since we are glued to technology and reluctant to meet in person. 

 

I had tremendous trouble with it in my 20's, and it was my GF who rescued me.  I've ended up in an odd little puddle of people who do life more like 100 years ago.  Such a thing is difficult to find.  A big portion of our community is networked through faith or employment.  People meet at work, they bring family members in to where they work, and it becomes like an octopus that reaches out and touches everything. 

 

Probably easier to find new friends in the city. I'm in a rural area, but I have the benefit of being married into the political/social "in crowd."  Without that, I'd be pretty isolated.  Not sure what area you're in, or what the local culture is like.  Here...unless you go to town and hang out with the college crowd, it is nearly impossible to socialize if you're LGBTQ+.  There's one bar.  Other venues have tried and failed.  Some folks meet up over liberal social causes (which doesn't really fly if you're not a Democrat voter or aren't passionate about the issues.)  Folks 40 and under use Facebook to meet up...but its a Catch 22 in that it "takes friends to make friends" using that method.   

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This is something I've struggled with on and off for most of my life. In many ways, I still do. As a shy introvert with crippling social anxiety, meeting new people has always been difficult. Beginning my transition did not make it any easier (at first).

 

For me, the trick has been getting involved with local groups that have common interests. I've done craft workshops, enrolled in a bowling league, joined a monthy LGBT+ support group, and even made some connections with locals on chat/dating apps (though I loathe them they CAN have some value...). Some of it stuck, some of it didn't. In either case, whether it "worked" or not, I learned something new and I can be proud of myself for taking the chance.

 

At first doing these things alone was terrifying. But I was doing things I already enjoyed doing in safe and controlled spaces, only now with others that enjoy the same things. Inevitably that led to conversation. Conversations led to connections. Many of the connections I made were shallow or fizzled out, but some grew and blossomed. Today, amazingly, I can say I have a few good friends. That's all I need.

 

And of course we're here for you. Know that, while you may feel alone, there are always people that care and want you to succeed!

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Thank you both for your inputs and kindness.

 

@awkward-yet-sweet I'm really happy that you have a good community with whom to live and also that your GF helped you. I think that if a person lives in such a well-connected rural social group, as it seems you do, importantly with good and accepting people, then that makes all the difference. As far as living in a city, it can be tough because people are so disconnected from each other. It sounds true that it takes friends to make friends, so I guess I just need to put myself out there more to move past the isolation. Thank you for your kind reply.

 

@Liz-LizIt's a great idea to get involved in local groups that have common interests and then branch out from there. Thank you and thank you for your kind words.

 

Have a fun weekend!

 

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