Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Coping with the things you can't change


Recommended Posts

How do you cope with things that give you dysphoria but that can't be changed through hormones or surgery (i.e. your height, your bone structure, your hand size, or anything else makes sense for you in regards to this prompt)?


I'm a trans male struggling with the idea that some of the things I hate most about my body won't change, no matter how hard I try or how much money I spend, and it gives me a feeling of hopelessness.  I'm curious to hear how some others cope with similar problems.

Link to comment
  • Admin

I really think it helps to realize that many things one believes are bad about themselves are things that everyone wishes they could change, whether they are trans or cis or queer or non-binary or whatever or whoever they are.  Those characteristics, such as height, weight, bone structure, foot size, nose size, etc., are just part of human variation.  I have known cis women who are 6'3" or more, natal men who are 5'3" (I am one) or less, big boned women, small boned non-muscular men, men with pixie noses, women with big noses, ad infinitum.


I used to be self-deprecating about my height pre-transition.  Yet I was accepted for my physical type and limitations and had a successful career where I was respected and valued. I didn't go out for the workplace basketball team, but that was OK.  I bowled, I played softball, and I had fun doing what I could do.  You also might be surprised at how many things you think are immutable that you can change if you are resourceful and creative.


Acceptance of oneself is not always easy to achieve, but it is essential for good mental health, IMO.  A counselor or therapist can help with that. What I've found to be true is that others will accept you for who you are far easier, and far quicker, than you will learn to accept yourself.  That is a happy thing to learn about human nature.


Carolyn Marie

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Carolyn Marie said:

I really think it helps to realize that many things one believes are bad about themselves are things that everyone wishes they could change, whether they are trans or cis or queer or non-binary or whatever or whoever they are...


Carolyn Marie


This whole response took the words out of my mouth, though perhaps more elegantly presented.


It can be a struggle, no doubt. As a man, my hands and feet were roughly the same size as many women. If anyone gives you grief about the size of your hands just remind them that small hands also means small fists... 😉


Ok jokes aside, I've found it helpful to focus on the progress rather than the hurdles. On occasion I'm still overwhelmed worrying about what the future holds. While it's great to have goals, I try to remember that today is all I have. When I do what I can to love myself today, tomorrow isn't as scary. The best way to prepare for tomorrow is by making the most of today. 


Some people will forever see me as a weirdo autistic transwoman with a noticeable tremor and really, they aren't wrong, but that is not all I am.

I know I'm a beautiful soul with a heart of gold, flaws and all. I don't need to depend on validation from those who will never give it to me to know that I am good enough. My friend used to remind me, "Those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter."


Coming to terms with something outside of your control is a process. Especially early on, I leaned heavily on a few good friends and a support group. I also work with a therapist regularly. It took a few tries to find one I clicked with, but with persistence I found one that's a good fit.


I could have made this MUCH longer but I've rambled enough.

I'm glad you reached out and expressed your struggles. Unfortunately there's no easy silver bullet solution. (that I know of?)

The key to happiness is wanting what you have, not having what you want.

Link to comment

Somethings you got to take with a grain of salt and deal with the cards you were dealt. I completely understand though as my body parts are huge but do know that there are small males and I know there are big females. I do appreciate what I have and have gained.

Link to comment

I really, really REALLY love the pearls of wisdom found here. @Carolyn Marie, your opening sentence said it all. And @Liz-Liz, so did your last sentence!


I'm nowhere near being in the same league as most folk here but I still have body image issues. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have an hourglass figure! I know it won't happen though, so I just have to be content with what I have - at the end of the day I am significantly taller and somewhat lighter than my wife...


In my eyes, grooming, presentation and refinement are far more important than size or shape, whether whole-of-body or parts thereof.

Link to comment

There is so much goodness and value in both @Carolyn Marie's and @Liz-Liz's responses. And, @Mirrabookayou are so right that grooming, presentation and refinement are also keys to overcoming the body challenges we all have,


I try to find clothing that highlights my good points and minimizes those I'm not as happy with. And, make-up can do wonders with that nose of mine. 🙂


Although, I just really beginning my journey, my therapist has helped me to be happy with who I am - not perfect, far from beautiful, but happy with the me who looks back at me each day when I look in the mirror.


Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

This is such ash important issue for us as well as it is for cis people.  I remember shortly after going full time feeling a bit sorry for myself.  There was a beautiful young woman living in a cottage on the farm.  In our conversation she warned me about getting caught in the trap of "needing to change my looks".  She told me about cis female friends who never felt comfortable with their looks.  Somehow that need to find self acceptance has stuck with me.  I do the best i can and try to enjoy what i have.  A 75 year old trans woman will never be a hot 20 year old but i can be a peaceful, smiling old lady and that is wonderful in itself.





Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 50 Guests (See full list)

    • Mirrabooka
    • JaySee88
    • AllieJ
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amelia4
      (50 years old)
    2. Andrea73
      (51 years old)
    3. Antonia
    4. Cato
    5. EasyE
      (53 years old)
  • Posts

    • Mirrabooka
      It's so hard to keep up with all the goings on when you don't visit here for a while!   @Birdie, my condolences. Losing someone is never easy, but more so if they are taken before time.    @Ashley0616, I'm also sorry for your loss. My Cousin Count presently sits at 13 survivors from 17 born. It's scary, especially considering that I'm one of the older ones! I also sincerely hope that someday you get out of that darn dating revolving door too!   Just to prove that as one door closes another one opens, my wife and I became grandparents again today! A yet un-named girl born to my son and daughter in law, a couple of weeks early, but otherwise in perfect health. It's Girl City in my family; I have one son and two daughters, one daughter in law, and now two granddaughters. Oh, and a wife and a mother!  
    • Willow
      Good morning   so much happened since my last visit and that was just yesterday.  Back to 4am today, off tomorrow my schedule bounces around all week but Friday morning I leave for my weekend of Lay ministry school.    let’s see, guy who wanted to see your DL, run away and block that one.  Doesn’t sound right to me. Sorry for your losses this week.  Always sad to loos a good friend they are so hard to come by, and same is true with cousins, although I never knew any of mine.     One thing I don’t have and never will is a LBD. Too old to do one any justice.  Besides where does one hide the 45?     Don’t meet a stranger without one!   well gotta try to walk the dog.  It’s raining but not cold.     and don’t take everything I say to heart.  Sometimes my sense of humor is a lot worse than I realize.  LOL   Willow    
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Sarah.  I think this site will live up to your expectations as a friendly, supportive and knowledgeable place.  I know that transition can be stressful and daunting and we've all been where you are now at some point.  I do hope that you are seeing, or have seen, a gender therapist or at least and M.D. to ensure that your hormone use is safe and appropriate.  We want everyone to be safe, because hormones can be dangerous if not done correctly with good supervision.  If you don;t have a gender therapist, that would be help to add to your tool kit, too.   Please ask any questions that come to mind.  The only thing we can't answer is about hormone dosages.  Please have a look around and enjoy your time here.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      Update:  Judge blocked the AG until a hearing on March 25.  I don't think that hearing will go well for the Bully In Chief.   https://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/judge-blocks-texas-collecting-info-transgender-children-receiving-107731447   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      https://thehill.com/homenews/lgbtq/4501690-new-york-ag-letitia-james-transgender-athlete-ban/     Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      PFLAG and the families have some powerful legal minds working for them.  Paxton may please his base of bigots, but he won't win.  I think he knows it, too.   Carolyn Marie
    • Ivy
      This one is not that far "off the wall." They just consider us mentally ill anyway.  We need to be corrected somehow - kinda like the Chinese do with the Uyghurs.  Time to break out the pink triangles.
    • Adrianna Danielle
      It is and planning to be with me when I have my checkup with my hrt specialist.We plan on watching Boy Meets Girl together,one is transgender
    • sarahthehuman
      hi i guess this is where i tell you about myself and some goings on. my quick and dirty trans history about 20 off years ago I confessed to my best friend about wanting to be a girl she was super supportive said she'd get everyone to use whatever name I want and treat me like one of the girls at the time I didn't know transitioning really existed the LGBT was really just an LG so I didn't think it was actually possible to more than cross dress and dismissed the idea and forgot about until 6 years ago I met a transwoman in a Discord community which and awoken 20 year old memories, a few years later after self debate I admitted to myself that I was trans eventually came out to a few people and in October of last year started taking hormones. The actually transitioning is taking time I duelmode mainly being my true self at home for right now. How I ended up here: I wasn't prepare for the hormones which have been a struggle wild mood swings and just constant anxiety attacks, I've only recently been able to clear my head and quell my anxiety with medication enough to function. I had some bad moment and alienated myself from some people dear to me and I'm questioning whether to keep going or not. I've been doing a lot to improve my situation picking myself up doing self care but I realize I can't do this on my own so I've been adding to my support network, people in my circles, support groups and communities like here. From what I read so far this feels like a wonderful community and I look forward to being apart of it. Thank you  
    • Lydia_R
      Nice drawings!
    • Lydia_R
      Lovely Adrianna!
    • Lydia_R
      Being so rejected by society that I starve to death.
    • KatieSC
      All I can do is shake my head. This will be followed by the other 19 R states soon enough. They are more persistent than piranha. A few days ago I received an email from a recruiter trying to recruit me to a hospital in Oklahoma. I told them that I was a transgender female and would not consider Oklahoma. The recruiter could have cared less.   Sadly, I am not sure the rest of the public really cares what happens to us. There is going to be some massive pain down the road regardless of who wins the national election. I think the next logical move is that they will try to roll back the insurance coverages we gained with private insurers.   Short of a huge blue wave hitting the country, they have zeroed in on us. I just wonder if there will be Schutzstaffel troops coming to take us away. Seems like the only missing piece. 
    • Adrianna Danielle
      Had fun and he was great to me treating me right.Loved the LBD I was wearing.I am much happier including him.Said he has found the right transgender woman in his life,me.
    • KatieSC
      Ivy, these folks are beyond psychotic. Make America Germany Already. You could not make this stuff up. I am waiting for an initiative to be launched requiring us to go to a re-education camp, and receive forced HRT of our birth gender. Sometimes there are no words that one can express...
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...