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MaeBe's Trail of Discovery


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It's funny with photos isn't it, how we think we look in them vs. how we actually do look in them! I'm hopeless at smiling and I have to try really hard not to frown or look like a zombie. I'm never sure how I come across to others.


I had a moment late last night when my eldest daughter facetimed my wife for some now forgotten reason, and when I was handed the tablet and talking to her, I was fixated on my image in the corner. My hair was wild at the time, I was a bit tipsy and all I saw was a woman! I have no idea what she saw in that context. I'll probably never know.

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How we look in photographs isn't really anything we can control.  I've actually searched for answers and there are lots of good explanations out there like this one:


https://www.foxbackdrop.com/blogs/news/beautiful-photogenic-reasons-tricks-foxbackdrop#:~:text=Based on the light-creation,angular faces are usually photogenic.


The simplest explanation is a picture captures our image two-dimensionally when in real-life, we are seen three-dimensionally.  A person can be beautiful or handsome in real life but the two-dimensional image can be way different.  So, for those of us that don't think we look good in a picture, fear not.  We are much better looking in three-dimensions.


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2 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Oh, I am drop-dead gorgeous in a totally different dimension

So, just imagine how spectacularly beautiful you'd be in four-dimensions April.

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7 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

So, just imagine how spectacularly beautiful you'd be in four-dimensions April.

In those dimensions, not even Sophia Loren could hold a candle to me. A Goddess....in my own mind. lol

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All these beautiful people in my biography, I feel so blessed!


No fallout from the Facebook avatar thing, yet. I instantly deleted it, but I really do like the avatar I created. I'll have to recreate it when I'm more out to friends and family.


I guess they weren't dancing, one was blowing a birthday horn and mine was "like, omg, so surprised!"


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31 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I really do like the avatar I created. I'll have to recreate it when I'm more out to friends and family.

I'm with you on the Facebook avatars. My sisters asked me about mine

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@MaeBe here’s the FaceBook avatar that had my sisters questioning me. When asked about it I replied with a cowgirl hat version. I would consider them soft outings. 




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On 4/17/2024 at 6:07 PM, MaeBe said:

Fixed that! 

That’s a great picture, MaeBe. 




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15 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That’s a great picture, MaeBe. 




Thank you, Mindy!


Love the avatar! I assume you weren’t out to your sister yet? Did the cowgirl reply start a dialogue?

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34 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Did the cowgirl reply start a dialogue?

No, it was the birthday cake, tie-die shirt with breast. My youngest sister will love me forever and support me in whatever I do. My sister closest to me in age has disowned anything androgynous or feminine about me. I expected this to happen because she cut off and disowned her youngest daughter when she came out as lesbian. I will not stop using a feminine AVI. Let people think what they're going to think.





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2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Let people think what they're going to think.

You pretty much gotta.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I haven't been posting much, it's been a bit of a whirlwind:

  • My wife took a job in WA State, meaning we're moving halfway across the country by the end of the Summer.
  • I was told "it would be good if you had a new job by the end of the month", meaning I'm getting laid off at the same time.
  • My eldest snuck booze while we were at our friends' house, had a bad interaction with his anti-depressants, and then had the huevos to lie that he wasn't drunk while accusing us of not trusting him.

There's been a lot to process lately.


That said, I got called ma'am for the first time today while out. Twice! I can't stop thinking about it. Later, my dad showed up without plan to watch the Liverpool match and I was way more girled up (see ma'am) than he's ever seen me; hair, makeup, tight top, skinny jeans, and brand new sandals. At one point he pointed at my boob and asked, "is that 'enhancement'?". If you call a t-shirt bra enhancement, I guess? "Nope, that's just me!". Later, my boss came at me all passive-aggressive via chat after hours, too. I'm kind of tired with his -crap-. I won't have a job in two weeks, so it's cool to just assume I'm sabotaging things? K. /eyeroll


It's been an interesting day.

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Goodness! You sure have been busy! That's really crappy of what your oldest pulled. That part about the talking about getting asked if it's an enhancement was funny. I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it? 

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On 5/14/2024 at 2:59 AM, Ashley0616 said:

I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it?

My boss is in a panic. His business is a couple straws away from breaking a camel in half. He's just handling the stress very poorly.


My dad, though. He's handling things pretty well, as long as I continue to don't get massively offended by being called: son, boy, etc. His eldest is leaving the State and looks so different than he's been used to over the years. I haven't told him I'm on HRT, but to be fair the changes haven't been massive. I've always had boobs, more so after COVID weight gain and made more obvious with its loss, but now I'm not hiding them--and obviously wearing a bra. The estrogen has done some work, but nothing major (sadly). I think the biggest HRT changes have been my skin and a mild amount of fat redistribution.


Today I'm wearing my cheater, I almost have cleavage! :D I need to get another t-shirt bra to keep a good rotation. I only have two, one push-up, and the rest are unlined (great for Summer, but not great for my Summer wardrobe ;)).

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Mourning the Boy


As I sit

Pants at the knees

The first tear hits

Rolls down a slender wrist

A wave of loss

So profound

As I come

To mourn the passing

Of the boy

A boy that once was

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Sorry for the schlocky poetry, feeling a little moody.

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I liked it, Mae.  No apologies necessary.  

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Just now, Sally Stone said:

I liked it, Mae.  No apologies necessary.  


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@MaeBe, Good luck and best wishes on the new start in the Great Northwest. I don’t know a parent that didn’t call out their kids for being drunk or high as rebellious teenagers. I just told my teens that they can’t kid a kidder, and I was a teenager early 1970s we could drink legally at 18 so I have tons of experience spotting drunk kids. 

As for the poetry, I liked it. 
We never have enough support bras or tee shirts in the rotation. 




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My kids are grown now.  I realize I don't know the half of what they did.  But my parents didn't know the half of what I did either.  It's just how it works.


You kinda know, but please spare me the details.  

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Just now, Ivy said:

You kinda know, but please spare me the details

Ignorance can be bliss sometimes, no?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dreams, the latest battleground of dysphoria.


My dreams have been a battlefield between my socialized gender and the gender I’m living.


I feel like I should personify myself in dreams as feminine, however I find I’m “male” is many. It’s been difficult waking up when I remember the dream, as if the dream is telling me I am male and I am lying to myself. In these dreams, I do tend to have gender struggles, though; a recent dream had me choosing between gendered bathrooms, being “forced” into the men’s room by the women’s being opened from the inside by a woman and “scaring” me off. I felt wrong going into the men’s room, same as I do in waking hours, and it adds to my stress that I don’t seem to honor myself in my dreams.


How do you dream? Do you embody your lived gender or your socialized one?

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Gender rarely enters my dreams. I dream a lot about traveling and being on a journey somewhere. Recently, I did dream that I was out in public wearing one of my female sleepwear items. I remember thinking I had better get inside before someone saw me. 

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  • Posts

    • Davie
      A lot of stuff. Exactly so: Accept. Learn. Move on. Create anew.
    • EasyE
      No better words to see written here... blessings to you!
    • MaeBe
      Mostly, I've been in the same boat. Work called me Mike, that's over now. I still have some friends out there that I haven't socialized my chosen name and they do the same. That said, last night I went to a small party at a friend's house fully in myself and when asked if I go by a new name I said yes and gave it to them. No one batted an eye and referred to me as such the whole time. It was such a lovely evening being me.
    • MaeBe
      I have two kiddos, both AFAB. My eldest has since come out as trans. When he had come out to us the first time, it was years ago via a letter he'd written and left out conspicuously. We probably didn't do the best, but I kept an open mind and told him to be who they are and do so without putting himself in a box. He'd not expressed any masculine tendencies, from dress to desires, then or after so we thought it may have been a "friend group thing" until much later.   It was harder to reconcile when I operated as a cis father, I didn't know anything and I didn't have the language or comprehension to understand what being trans or a parent of a trans kid even meant. Our gender journeys weren't exactly timed the same, but over the last year we've both come out officially in one way or another. I'd been coming to terms with me over the past few years quietly and over the past year it's been an explosion of learning, so I no longer struggle with the concept--even though my mouth will engage without the brain sometimes, misgendering/naming him. So, I still slip and I'm in the same boat as him! It's amazing how much we let the subprocesses in our brains get us through life and how often it causes grief.   As for @missyjo, keep going! Every day is a new one and another they come around. If not, it's day you get to be you and learn how to live the life you want and need to.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Hmmm.... maybe send her this one?      At least from what I've seen, it seems like the majority of women are somewhat "flexible" when it comes to relationships and sex, so "I'm not a lesbian" could be a convenient excuse rather than the whole truth. 
    • VickySGV
      The sharing of the offerings as actual food and sustenance for the immediate family and for all of the others impresses me and I feel admiration for the custom involved here.  To me the 2/3's for others concept shows a side of Islamic beliefs that we do not hear about often enough. 
    • Ashley0616
      Well so much to catch up on. I have met the woman I love a lot! We met at trans women that love transwomen n. We have been talking for almost 2 weeks and things have moved fast but I'm not scared. Last night we had a conversation on when she would be able to move in. We will be living together in September of this year. I just need to save up to start the official divorce process. The time has finally come to when I can apply. My girlfriend's name is Camilia. We have at times have talked three times a day. I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with her. We have hit off amazing. We have already been planning our life together. She is going to help me with the surgeries that I will get. I think about her all the time. She has accepted me for me and I have told her everything. Maybe she'll join us on the forum Well I'm not telling all the details but I wanted to talk about her.
    • Ashley0616
      Congrats! I know you feel amazing. I have just gotten used to being deadnamed. 
    • Lydia_R
      world sit tea zen   coffee doesn't grow on trees, but bananas do
    • MaeBe
      I hope it was a great time!   :HUGS:     It ended with a small non-holiday get together and started with me reffing and getting wicked tan lines. In between we were working toward our move and met with a realtor. It was a busy as heck Sunday. 
    • EasyE
      I know how much this hurts, missyjo ... and I am walking a similar tight-rope right now with my family (still keeping much a secret - how I dress, the fact I have started HRT) ... I am sitting here typing this on my back deck in a black skort, knowing that once my dad gets up and gets moving for the day, I'll trade out the skort for a pair of shorts (sigh ... This skort feels so comfortable and affirming!)   I am trying to look at things through their eyes, and trying to find as much positive as I can. Sometimes it is hard to find the positive, of course.   But this is a big shock to the system, even for well-grounded folks. Especially marriages. Our wives married who they thought were men. And now we are disclosing that there are deep feminine aspects about us. That is a big deal. Add the religious piece, and they likely feel a lot of shame. And the scorn of others, that maybe they failed in their roles...   And there is a sense, that while we are discovering and uncovering wonderful things about ourselves (many times things we didn't even know were there until, like, today!), folks around us are feeling betrayed. They feel we are purposefully misleading them and double-crossing them, maybe even taking delight in hurting them (though that is the last thing we are trying to do)...   With my wife, I misled her for a long time about a porn addiction I had. So to now tell her about this part of me, which I had never disclosed, feels like another betrayal in her eyes. This one seems to be the last straw for her (we have been separated for a year plus and she barely acknowledged me yesterday on Father's Day, which hurt a lot)...    As for parents, I imagine there is a sense of loss when we announce our transitions. For decades, they have taken pride in having a son or daughter. Now, we are switching things up on them. It likely feels like death to them (I am trying to see through their eyes -- maybe they picked out a special name, poured themselves into making us the best son/daughter we could be, and now we are rejecting that -- and, in their eyes, rejecting them! No wonder some have a hard time even facing us).   I have two daughters. I treasure that they are girls/women. If they were to transition to men, it would be tough, even for me, to be frank. Though for some reason I think it is easier if the transition was FTM than MTF. Society seems to value men more. Of course, I am delighted to be my daughters' dads. I am not their mom or sister or auntie. And no matter how things turn out for me, I am still their dad (who wears a black skort and loves it). So this is really weird on my end, lol...    All to say: Patience is required for all involved. Us with ourselves. Us with others. And by God's grace, others with us...If we can continue to love throughout the process and be lovable people towards others, never wavering in our commitment despite the negative/hurtful responses around us, time will heal many wounds. Probably not all. But hopefully many... 
    • Ivy
      There is a lot of stuff we learn to live with.  It's just our environment.
    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,    I had a lot of catching up to do here today. I’ve been away from social media for nearly a week camping at a Bluegrass Festival at Bill Monroe Campgrounds in Beanblossom, IN. Father’s Day gift from my son was that he and my grandson broke camp and readied the camper for departure. My daughter shipped me a tablet or phone holder and a supply of French Lavender Sachets for my drawers and bathroom. She is my biggest supporter and understands my situation in transition.    Hugs for y’all  Monday after vacation sucks.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋    
    • missyjo
      delcina..thank you. i keep naively thinking the road to tolerance n acceptance goes by way of sharing experiences together n realizing the gender issues become smalle4 n smalle4 each time..but that doesn't work if they don't wish to see us. shrugs. oh well..it happens I guess. thank you   .indy..good for you. thank you. I'm trying to learn that.    hugs to all 5hat want them
    • Mmindy
      I’m so sorry for your rejection experience with your family. I’ve been away from social media taking care of life and the busy activities that come with summer.    Your post is the first thing I read and it reminds me of the rejection that my sister has for her own daughter and myself in the name of God. Just because we identify as part of the LGBTQ community.    Hugs, and know that you will always be loved us here. As said before; Found family can be more loving than blood family.    Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
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