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MaeBe's Trail of Discovery


MaeBe

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So last week was another week of new outings. I posted about my uncle, but I completely obviated the idea that my cousin (a Catholic priest) would show up to our yearly pilgrimage to my mother’s resting place. She died five years ago of pancreatic cancer. It took her so very quickly from us, she found out just before Christmas and succumbed after a brief but valiant fight in June.

 

Firstly, there is this unresolved—never to be resolved—thought of what my mother would make of me. It was the first time visiting her grave presenting as my realized self and an unrecognized Jeep pulled up. I was already emotional and there’s my priest cousin, who hasn’t seen me in at least a year. Less to say, little was said. There were looks, stares, muttered conversation and tangential discussion over the dinner that followed about adherence to religion. Nothing so pointed as to call me out, but they were topics I quietly avoided. It wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t pleasant. I don’t count my cousin, or my uncle, as likely allies so I do not worry too much about what they think. I won’t lose any sleep if they are perturbed. 
 

I did have a nice chat with my cousin, my uncle’s younger daughter, since I’m sure the spectacle of me would make it back out to Maryland and I figured I’d read her in myself. She and her husband are good people and supportive. I do miss her, she’s pretty great, but living half way across the country—and so to be living completely across the country—makes ours a passing relationship. Her husband texted me offering real estate assistance for our move and asked about my desired name and pronouns which was nice. 
 

I’ve been leaning harder into she/her and using Maeve/Mae consistently. I’ve really started to bristle at the use of my old male nickname (Mike), I hates it Preciouses! I also know I cannot control what others use, though I’ve made no stink over it yet. At least my cousin’s husband used my given name and not its shortening…

 

In other news, I’m awaiting my volunteer assignments for Pride. I’ve signed up for the final three weekends of June with a group that helps families with trans children, but haven’t gotten any word. I’ve even spruced up my nails for the occasion (see attached)!

 

I can’t believe how long it’s taken the polish to set, I’ve had to redo nails three and four times due to them getting screwed up! I started them at 9AM and I still have one more to redo!

IMG_0448.jpeg

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Sorry about your not so peaceful visit. Family can sure be jerks. I have a final answer if my mom would ever accept me as Ashley. I simply asked if she would put Happy Birthday Ashley. She said she would never call me that. To her I won't anything but Scott to her. She said we could put Happy Birthday or she just wouldn't make it. I hope you are better now. BTW I love your nails! Good luck on the volunteer opportunity. 

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50 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

BTW I love your nails!

 So do I! But geez, talk about time consuming! @MaeBe, have you given much thought into getting regular professional manicures instead? (not that I've gone down that path myself)

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Just now, Mirrabooka said:

 So do I! But geez, talk about time consuming! @MaeBe, have you given much thought into getting regular professional manicures instead? (not that I've gone down that path myself)

Thank you, Ash and @Mirrabooka! You're too kind.

 

I have a nail salon around the corner, but my wife and kiddos had a bad experience there once. I think a lot of the issue is I have a bit of perfectionism in me (thanks mom!) and I want them to look nice and clean. This time the lacquer is a bit thin and needed extra coats to provide a fully opaque color, so they took an extra long time to dry--and got dinged or smeared because they hadn't fully set (we're talking probably close to two hours after the last coat), so I kept redoing each that got wrecked.

 

@Ashley0616, I haven't gone so far as to ask to be called anything different by all of my family yet. So I haven't run into problems with being misnamed. I kind of just persist and try to let the misgendering, "my boy", "nephew", "Mikey", etc. roll off my back. As for volunteering, I'm told my eldest and I may be set for some amount of volunteering for "the main event" Pride weekend at the end of the month, the group I'm registered with isn't doing anything this weekend. So instead I get to go to a D&D night at a local bar and a house party at a friend's of ours. Action packed weekend, here we come!

 

Oddly we ordered pizza tonight and when I went to pick it up, the cashier asked me how I spelled Maeve. He told me he had two "Maeves" order that night, the other spelled it in Gaelic fashion (Maebh) and he'd mixed up our orders. Two Maeves ordering pizza at the same joint from a little pizza joint in the Twin Cities at the same time!

 

Another update, I got my termination notice today (finally). Friday is my last day. 10 years there are coming to a close. Now to sell the house, pack up, move the family half-way across the country, and find a new place to live in the next two months! Wahoo!

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3 hours ago, MaeBe said:

...we ordered pizza tonight...

With pineapple? 😃

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Just now, Mirrabooka said:

With pineapple? 😃

How’d you know?! 😆

 

My wife’s order is mushroom & pineapple on a gluten free crust. The kids and I, unbound by gluten issues, had a large sausage pizza.

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@MaeBe I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you and your family. Looking forward to seeing the safety made it post.

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On 6/11/2024 at 8:03 PM, MaeBe said:

can’t believe how long it’s taken the polish to set, I’ve had to redo nails three and four times due to them getting screwed up! I started them at 9AM and I still have one more to redo!

IMG_0448.jpeg

Look pretty awesome to me. I haven't cracked the code of good looking nails yet, especially when I have to paint my left (I'm a lefty). Again, hope your move west goes well. We're just now, after some unseasonal windstorms, getting into summer in WA state. 

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I am shocked. In a good way.

 

We had a potential realtor for our home sale swing by and in conversation the realtor asked to clarify my name, she thought it was "Mauve" and I gave her my chosen name. Later my wife referred to me with MY CHOSEN NAME! She's been great, but the name thing has been a struggle. Even with the situational prompting it was nice to hear her say it.

 

Back to grilling dinner. Just needed to smile in words!

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13 hours ago, MaeBe said:

I am shocked. In a good way.

 

We had a potential realtor for our home sale swing by and in conversation the realtor asked to clarify my name, she thought it was "Mauve" and I gave her my chosen name. Later my wife referred to me with MY CHOSEN NAME! She's been great, but the name thing has been a struggle. Even with the situational prompting it was nice to hear her say it.

 

Back to grilling dinner. Just needed to smile in words!

Congrats! I know you feel amazing. I have just gotten used to being deadnamed. 

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Just now, Ashley0616 said:

Congrats! I know you feel amazing. I have just gotten used to being deadnamed. 

Mostly, I've been in the same boat. Work called me Mike, that's over now. I still have some friends out there that I haven't socialized my chosen name and they do the same. That said, last night I went to a small party at a friend's house fully in myself and when asked if I go by a new name I said yes and gave it to them. No one batted an eye and referred to me as such the whole time. It was such a lovely evening being me.

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Just now, MaeBe said:

It was such a lovely evening being me.

No better words to see written here... blessings to you!

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  • 2 weeks later...

It’s been six months, a little check in:

 

Family status: nuclear, issues arise but generally good; extended, tbd

Friends: still cool, I haven’t gotten “mid-life crisis” jokes in a while

Public: far and away better than expected

 

Mind: imposter syndrome and doubt, decreased; anxiety, better but the world…efffff; happiness, omg ☺️!

Emotions: wider and deeper, tears outweigh anger—and tears have fixed anger

 

Boobs: bigger (but keep going gals!), 34C

Body: have a little junk in the trunk and my thighs wiggle a tiny bit, stomach is flattening

Eyes: lighter

Face: Still pretty angular 😢


Check up: Estradiol too high for the doc, just over 400, but Testosterone is down to 15. Might have to adjust dosage, smaller dose every five days maybe? The initial dose had me in “safe” range, but I felt the fall off day 6 and 7. Still no T blocker. BP has been trending downward, sometimes bordering on low acceptable range (100/60). Increased activity + hormones might require a change to the HBP meds dose. Otherwise healthy. 
 

Pic for posterity, also new tech: I don’t know if I like the eye shadow but using it as a highlighter is nice. Also, parted my hair on the other side. Youngest doesn’t like it but I think it lays better. 
 

💜 to you all (including you, future Maeve)!

 

 

 

 

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Just now, MaeBe said:

It’s been six months, a little check in:

 

Family status: nuclear, issues arise but generally good; extended, tbd

Friends: still cool, I haven’t gotten “mid-life crisis” jokes in a while

Public: far and away better than expected

 

Mind: imposter syndrome and doubt, decreased; anxiety, better but the world…efffff; happiness, omg ☺️!

Emotions: wider and deeper, tears outweigh anger—and tears have fixed anger

 

Boobs: bigger (but keep going gals!), 34C

Body: have a little junk in the trunk and my thighs wiggle a tiny bit, stomach is flattening

Eyes: lighter

Face: Still pretty angular 😢


Check up: Estradiol too high for the doc, just over 400, but Testosterone is down to 15. Might have to adjust dosage, smaller dose every five days maybe? The initial dose had me in “safe” range, but I felt the fall off day 6 and 7. Still no T blocker. BP has been trending downward, sometimes bordering on low acceptable range (100/60). Increased activity + hormones might require a change to the HBP meds dose. Otherwise healthy. 
 

Pic for posterity, also new tech: I don’t know if I like the eye shadow but using it as a highlighter is nice. Also, parted my hair on the other side. Youngest doesn’t like it but I think it lays better. 
 

💜 to you all (including you, future Maeve)!

 

 

 

IMG_0549.jpeg


Looking great! Judging by this photo I don’t think your face looks angular, but photos can be deceiving. Estradiol too high at 400 is news to me; I had read 600 was the upper limit. I’m sure someone else can weigh in on the science, but I have trusted that 600 figure and my doctor (who has other trans patients but is not an endocrinologist) is happy with that.

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Just now, Betty K said:

Looking great! Judging by this photo I don’t think your face looks angular, but photos can be deceiving. Estradiol too high at 400 is news to me; I had read 600 was the upper limit. I’m sure someone else can weigh in on the science, but I have trusted that 600 figure and my doctor (who has other trans patients but is not an endocrinologist) is happy with that.

Depends if we're talking pg/ml vs pmol/L, doc wants me under 300 pg/ml. I think I generally feel better at the current dose, but blood clots...

 

Thank you for the compliment! My friend told me I've "reached the passing phase" today. I'll take it?

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Just now, MaeBe said:

Depends if we're talking pg/ml vs pmol/L, doc wants me under 300 pg/ml. I think I generally feel better at the current dose, but blood clots...

 

Thank you for the compliment! My friend told me I've "reached the passing phase" today. I'll take it?


So 300 pg/ml seems unusually high in that case? But I’m no expert.

 

Passing phase could well be true, damn you. 

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Just now, Betty K said:


So 300 pg/ml seems unusually high in that case? But I’m no expert.

 

Passing phase could well be true, damn you. 

300pg/ml is the top end of "desirable". That equals about 1,100 pmol/L.

 

As for "passing", I don't believe it but it was nice to hear from a friend...I'd just shown him the picture above. No offense intended!

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Just now, MaeBe said:

300pg/ml is the top end of "desirable". That equals about 1,100 pmol/L.

 

As for "passing", I don't believe it but it was nice to hear from a friend...I'd just shown him the picture above. No offense intended!


I’d read 200 was the upper limit, though I’d also heard from a doctor that higher levels wouldn’t harm me over short periods. Clearly it’s not an exact science.

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As to passing, it’s relative. You can pass in a photo and not in person, or from a distance but not from up close, or when you’re silent but not when you speak. I find it easier to assume I will never pass in all situations; at present I feel sure I pass in very few. I won’t pretend that’s not a source of fear and sadness for me, but those feelings are vastly outweighed by my feelings of pride, self-confidence, and self-compassion. 

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So, way back in the twenty teens when the world was rocked by Pokemon Go mania I was late to the party but picked it up while on a family vacation. Since then I tend to forget about it but always seem to fire it back up when I travel. When in CA earlier this year I followed my pattern but I’m still logging in once or twice a day (and getting the odd walk in with it). Long ago I’d used a female avatar but changed it to male because I was not sure what my bother or his kids would think if their uncle had a girl character (we all were poke friends). Since starting my social transition I’ve gone back to a female character. You can dress them up in multitude ways, from the purely goofy to the most casual. I never went with the goofy, just what I thought looked normal. I have had this little outfit in the game for a few months and I kind of got obsessed with it and, when I saw a shirt resembling the one my avatar has in the game, I wanted to recreate the ‘fit.

 

How’d I do?

 

 

IMG_0555.jpeg

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Your avatar has come to life Mae.  Sounds like a great story line for a novel.

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