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Ashley's Life from Start to Present


Ashley0616

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Well I was used AGAIN! I thought I could trust her. I told my family all about her. I invited her to come see family on Christmas. I opened my everything to her. I said my kids are our kids. I said you had a house. I told her EVERYTHING and I got burned so damn bad! I want to believe in love but it seems like I won't meet the love of my life. I wasn't looking for it at all. She initiated and spent a lot of time with me. She read me like a book! I was even thinking of taking her last name! I wasn't able to stop thinking of her the entire time till I found out what she did. I'm so tired of hurting so much by making myself vulnerable and thinking of they'll be different than the ones I talked to. They have literally showed that they aren't any different. I was trying to ignore my BPD. It would've helped if I listened to it. I'm SO HURT! I'm trying so hard to not cry in front of the kids and show them that I'm a strong woman but I don't know how much more I can take.

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Well after talking to roughly 120 people I'm talking to a cis woman. I tried to go trans but no luck there. She is a Sergeant Major in the Marine Corps. She has less than two years on her contract. She has two kids a boy who just graduated high school and a daughter that is 15. I'm going to try to get my hopes up but I still think it will hurt again. She is 52 and I'm 40 so an age difference but I think she knows that I have that old soul personality. 

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Well I think I found a winner! I have known her for almost two months now. She hasn't used me but simply just talk. She is in Philly and is great. I told my family about her today. I have nothing but great things to say about her. She isn't afraid to video chat. She unfortunately just found out that she has covid yesterday. Hoping for a smooth and quick recovery. I'm excited and she doesn't feel like I ask too many questions. I have invited her to live with me in August or September or later if need be. She is trans and is little newer than my transition. I'm ok with that. She is a christian and doesn't smoke so definite pluses in my book! Her name is Emily which is funny because one of my ex's had that name. 

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I don't even know why I talk about people and they ghost, use or abuse me? I simply just want to know what I'm doing wrong. It's day two since I got ghosted by Emily. I was too hurt say something yesterday. I'm thinking about getting a Mustang GT and my kids and I will learn how to fix it up. I would rather deal a sports car instead of dating someone. People are so different and sometimes doesn't make sense. I was going to fulfil her dreams. I was going to give her a fresh new start in a different location, family and work on her other goal of creating her own clothing line. Apparently that wasn't good enough! I'm at a loss of words! I'm still upset. mad and sad. I usually can get over these short term relationships if I can even call it that in a day or less. This one has struck nerves!

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None of us know exactly how things transpired, what was said, what was intended, and what was understood. I don't think it's possible to tell you what you're doing, never mind if you're doing it wrong. Based on the information you've given us, however, it seems you are really quick to escalate your relationships. They seem to go from initial contact, to a short period of correspondence, to making life plans together. For me, it seems like that happens over a few days. I could be wrong, I don't know exact timelines.

 

My advice before was to slow down and it still is. Let a relationship take root, bud, and flower. This takes weeks or months for a relationship to get serious usually. The repeated collapses of relationships may be using too heavy a hand on the watering can; what seems to grow at first dies due to "over watering". We know you have run into scammers and playing the long game will protect you from them, too.

 

Otherwise, keep your chin up. You have value, beauty, and love worth sharing with someone. I'm sorry it's been so difficult. :*(

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What would I know, I'm not an expert, but I do agree with Mae. The people who you have connected with lately, who knows, they might have a list of things that wave gigantic red flags in front of their eyes, the pace of things being one of them.

 

I really do wish you the best, Ashley.

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  • Forum Moderator
11 hours ago, MaeBe said:

None of us know exactly how things transpired, what was said, what was intended, and what was understood. I don't think it's possible to tell you what you're doing, never mind if you're doing it wrong. Based on the information you've given us, however, it seems you are really quick to escalate your relationships. They seem to go from initial contact, to a short period of correspondence, to making life plans together. For me, it seems like that happens over a few days. I could be wrong, I don't know exact timelines.

 

My advice before was to slow down and it still is. Let a relationship take root, bud, and flower. This takes weeks or months for a relationship to get serious usually. The repeated collapses of relationships may be using too heavy a hand on the watering can; what seems to grow at first dies due to "over watering". We know you have run into scammers and playing the long game will protect you from them, too.

 

Otherwise, keep your chin up. You have value, beauty, and love worth sharing with someone. I'm sorry it's been so difficult. :*(

I totally support what Mae has said, Ashley. Relationships take time to build, especially ones built on love and trust.

 

You are loved and valued here.

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14 hours ago, MaeBe said:

The repeated collapses of relationships may be using too heavy a hand on the watering can; what seems to grow at first dies due to "over watering".

Ashley,

 

I think this comment from Mae is one to think about seriously.  In my humble opinion, your desire to escalate relationships so quickly seems to come off as desperation, which I think overwhelms others, and ultimately drives them away.  Meaningful and lasting relationships must grow at their own pace, and unfortunately that growth is slow.  I know it's difficult, but you have to be patient.  Love happens when we least expect it.  When we go looking for it, that's when it eludes us.  While you wait for true love to come along, please know we all love and support you.   

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Hiii Ashley I also support what Mae and the others after her writing. I dont want to add anything besides a hug: P you are loved by all of us

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  • 2 months later...

So much has changed recently. Some good but a lot of bad. I have bought two laptops and they only lasted four months. My youngest is now in preschool. I have had COVID and still took care of the kids. I have had the kids for even more time. My ex has had to put in more hours to pay bills. I have continued talking to a trans woman for 4 days. I was worried that she wasn't into me because no questions from her. I finally spoke up and there was just a misunderstanding. She was on my mind during the whole time. I was hoping to finally have someone. She just said that she isn't looking and was happy on her own. I told her I would wait. She expressed her feelings again. So much for hoping is what I posted as my bubble on Facebook messenger. Second oldest sister asked what was going on. I completely opened up to her. She slammed in my face that I have a "Y" chromosome and that lesbians won't want me. I opened up only to get stuff shoved in my face. I rarely open up to family. I can't even remember the last time I opened up to family. I guess I won't ever open to family anymore. I got the message loud and clear. The only person in the family that supports me. She was only looking at her side and didn't even try to see my perspective. The only support I have couldn't even see my side. Quickly dismissed what I was trying to explain my side. I have now expanded my search for someone in the European countries. Not going to force anything I'm just now open to it. Positive note I did get a Nespresso that they thought it was broken but it only needed to be descaled. My only regret is that I wished I got it sooner. Finally a coffee strong enough and not paying 6 dollars a cup. 

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Just now, Ashley0616 said:

Finally a coffee strong enough and not paying 6 dollars a cup. 

Good coffee is a great thing to have!

 

I’m glad to see your presence on the forums again, Ashley! Even if it’s with bad news. Missed ya! That sure is a lot to deal with and I’m sorry you are doing that more and more by yourself. Hang in ther! I wish only the best for you!

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Just now, MaeBe said:

Good coffee is a great thing to have!

 

I’m glad to see your presence on the forums again, Ashley! Even if it’s with bad news. Missed ya! That sure is a lot to deal with and I’m sorry you are doing that more and more by yourself. Hang in ther! I wish only the best for you!

thank you sis!

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  • Forum Moderator

It's good to see you back, Ashley. You've been missed. 

 

Be careful, please. The internet is a nest of vipers when it comes to relationships. I hate to see you get hurt.

 

Much love.

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The past few days have gotten harder with body dysphoria. I'm still in my nightgown and just can't shake it today. I'm hoping tomorrow I don't feel this depressed. I have talked to a few women recently. The first was another transwoman our conversation went great but she said she developed feelings for me in less than 12 hours. I felt scared off. The way she handles herself I couldn't see a future with both of us. Somethings were good but a good number of red flags. Another woman I'm talking to is a firefighter and she has a 5 year old. The third is a wiccan. I'm intrigued by their beliefs but it breaks the first ten commandments. I have even thought maybe I could join her as being a witch and still being a Christian. I like both so far. I'm not going to give all details. 

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I'm sorry, Ash! Dysphoria sucks. I think I realized a while ago, but didn't admit it to myself, that I have been depressed for a while now. There are still those learned mechanisms that enforce the macho "you don't get depressed" line of thinking. When, if you just stare at it a little bit, it's pretty obvious. It sucks, too.

 

I hope your new acquaintances can turn into friendships and, who knows, maybe something more down the road! Don't dismiss those of different faiths, you might learn something about your own. No one's asking you to convert. Unless they are and then tell them to promptly eff the h-e-double hockey sticks right off!

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@MaeBeYes it does. Good news I got hair extensions in yesterday. Haven't heard much from them. Oh well I guess maybe they are busy. I have been really tired lately. I woke up at 830 and then laid down and the next thing I know it was 12. I haven't been this tired in a very long time. How are things going with you MaeBe?

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Just now, Ashley0616 said:

@MaeBeYes it does. Good news I got hair extensions in yesterday. Haven't heard much from them. Oh well I guess maybe they are busy. I have been really tired lately. I woke up at 830 and then laid down and the next thing I know it was 12. I haven't been this tired in a very long time. How are things going with you MaeBe?

It's been excruciating lately. If it doesn't have to do with dollar signs today, tomorrow it will. I can wait to get back to some semblance of normalcy when I can just make sure the house is in order, food's on the table, and the family is happy instead of "what's in this account" and "does that credit card have a balance" for underwriters. Ugh. I have been paying a mortgage for 20 years, you'd think they'd start to trust you after a while that you've got things covered. So I feel your fatigue.


I hope you did get some rest though, you deserve it! You'll have to share pics of your new locks soon, too!

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Well I have been talking to this woman for two days and have a good bit in common. She deals with early education and is only 70 miles away from me. Finally not someone to where I would have to get a plane ticket to. We are planning on meeting up this Saturday for coffee. I even have her coffee order memorized. Her brother is just a year older than me. She said that he is not going to be hard to get him to like me. Her mom I don't know yet. I'll have to do more digging around. She can't have kids of her own but she does love them. She has given me a voice memo and I have already played it like a dozen times. I met her on Facebook dating. She is just a little younger than me. Her birthday is in December. I thinking about getting her perfume for Christmas. She says that she doesn't even spend more than 30 dollars on perfume. I'm going to spoil her. The others have ghosted me which I was getting slight hints. 

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Great, Ash! I hope you two meet and hit it off and can start building a friendship! I might old off on the Christmas present for a bit, unless you like the perfume you're buying; Christmas is close but not that close. :D

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well another depressing post. I developed deep feelings for her and she said she doesn't feel the same way about me. She stopped talking to me. It's so painful because I opened up more to her than I do with family. These heartbreaks aren't getting any easier! Maybe one day I'll be able to keep posting positive posts? I highly doubt it though. Being 40 and single sucks especially for the most part that you are the only single person you know. Sorry maybe I'll just keep the depression to myself.

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This is the place for your story, Ash! There is no need to filter or hide it. I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you would have liked. Humans are social beings and generally want to love and be loved; being starved of is really hard and I think that is one of the reasons you dive in so deep so fast.

 

It’s endearing, a good trait, that you’re willing to be open and honest with people. Sometimes people will take that as you moving too fast, perhaps in situations when a friendship could have blossomed into something bigger.

 

I really hope, when @April Marie and Co. get the mid-week Zooms going you’ll be able to join, because adding that community to your life might dull the loneliness a little. There’s also the Saturday call if that works better for timing and they’re ongoing. I’ve been hit/miss on them, but it’s a nice group of folx.

 

I hope you are well this post-Halloween Friday!

 

💜Maeve

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