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Ashley's Life from Start to Present


Ashley0616

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Well it has been 20 days talking to this girl. Not in a relationship yet. She just broke up with her ex not that long ago and I'm helping her out getting over her. Things have gone really well. Looking forward to Christmas at my mom's. We aren't doing secret santa so one less gift to get. I just have my great nieces and nephews to get. I finally got suggestions for them. The only downside is she lives in Ithaca, New York and not a Christian. Everything else has gone really well. She is 14 years younger than me so I hope I can keep up with her energy. I have modified my Mustang some and have other parts that will soon be installed as well. 

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I’m so glad to see an update from you! It sounds es like things are OK at the moment! How are your kiddos doing? Are they excited for Christmas?

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**Trigger Warning** Discussion about traumatic past.

 

Hopefully I'm putting this in the right place as I'm tech challenged lol. 

 

I'm not very good at getting my words out. Socially I'm very out of touch with society. My name is Clyde, I'm 35 and I had no idea I was trans FtM until later on in life. I always felt different, more man than woman, but never knew much about the trans community. 

 

I grew up in a very conservative family and I saw how they treated my cousin, who was a lesbian. They eventually forced her into a marriage with a man (they are long since divorced now, go figure). I tried coming out to my parents during a game of life, I thought then I was just Bisexual, but more masc presenting. Very tomboyish at times. I had picked two girl characters to have a wife instead of a husband and he lost it on me. 

 

"A woman is supposed to be with a man, end of story" he screamed.

 

I knew then I couldn't tell them. I tried again by begging for my hair to be cut short, my mom allowed it, my dad lost it when he saw me. I was now a boy and he said I should look like a woman. It hurt big time, I was in elementary school. I remember wanting to look like my older brothers and I didn't understand why that was a problem. 

 

I would beg my dad every year to take me to the monster truck rally, he always said he would, but he took my brothers and left me at home. I wanted to learn how to fix vehicles like my dad, but he didn't want to teach me, he said a woman should be in the office answering phones.. 

 

I had to hide wearing mens clothes as it greatly bothered my parents, especially my middle brother, he often bullied me alongside my "parents". The things they did to me I can't even begin to tell here as it's far too graphic and distressing. Let's just say my trust for humans has been greatly diminished. People for as long as I can remember have been unkind to me. Due to this, I've never been good with social cues. I struggle to relate to people and I often doubt myself. It's hard for me to open up and trust. 

 

My eldest brother and I thankfully were very close, but he was my half brother from my dads first marriage, so he mainly lived with his mom. He also had Cystic Fibrosis and so he was often sick in the hospital. He was one of the only ones to show me true kindness in my family, but he sadly passed away in 2001 at the young age of 27. A part of me died with me that day and I never got a chance to say goodbye. 

 

I felt I could never talk to anyone, so I become very mentally unwell to which my mom ran to the doc any chance she got to have him load me up on pills. I ran away at 15 due to the abuse and lived on the streets for a while. I've been SA and nearly murdered, forced to slang drugs. I had to do the most awful things for a warm meal and a safe place to close my eyes. Thankfully I have a clean bill of health, but the trauma of it all still greatly weighs on me. So I've been through a lot, and it's taken me a long time to work through it all. I still have good and bad days though, but I'm stronger. 

 

I'm a no contact child with my family. I moved far away also. I know it was best for my mental and physical well-being, but my darn big heart still misses them. I Still long for the family I always hoped for, is that sad? 

 

I haven't started my T yet, I still  wait to discuss this with my doctor in February (soonest they could get me in). I feel like a late bloomer to all of this. I'm a man though, I never felt right in my body. 

 

I'm happily married, my partner is also trans MtF believe it or not haha. I guess we been dating but with extra steps? 😆 

 

It really took my partner transitioning for it to all fall into place for me. I now realize I'm pansexual, not Bi and that I'm a man, not a masc woman. 

 

Now when my partner came out to me back in 2017, we had been together since 2010 and had two sons already. I accepted her 100 percent, same with our kiddos. She had her bottom surgery years ago and is doing well. I'm very proud of how courageous she's been. My only set back is when I started expressing my feelings about wanting to talk to our doctor about me transitioning to a man and starting Testosterone, she went into this mental breakdown. 

 

She kept making comments about how she can't see me with a beard, etc. Things about appearance mostly and it got me really worried and made me feel awful to me honest. We've talked a lot since, but the comments about my body not being what she fell in love with made me kind of furious to be honest. I didn't say that, I listened and tried to understand, but I also now feel like she was only with me for my looks. I understand everyone had their preferences and she married a woman, but I married a man and I accepted her transition to a woman. No that does not mean she has to accept me, life isn't always fair, but I thought she would be more understanding and supportive. I feel like every time I bring it up she gets very upset and short with me. 

 

She's also been extremely obsessive as of late to the point of creeping me out. Watching me all the time too, overly touchy feely. I don't really know how to take this all in and so I'm here for some insight. I don't know how to approach this and I have no other support besides her and our kids.. I have not said anything to our kids yet about me.. I'm worried about it. Worried they will react the same way and I honestly feel very lost. 

 

I love my partner very much and she seems to be more open about it now that we've talked, but I still think she's feeling insecure about me now being the man and maybe she has doubts about her transition? I don't know, but I feel like I'm in a very complicated situation. I want to be a man, for that I'm certain. My partner transitioning wasn't that big of a scare for me, sure I worried about possible complications, but I have always been attracted to women too so my husband becoming a wife didn't bother me. I think she cringes at the thought of me being a man.. yet she's wanting to be all over me as of late, too much to be honest. I'm confused... 

 

I'm determined, but I don't want to hurt her or my kids. 

 

 

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On 12/17/2024 at 1:09 PM, MaeBe said:

I’m so glad to see an update from you! It sounds es like things are OK at the moment! How are your kiddos doing? Are they excited for Christmas?

Oh yes. I kind of let them open their presents already lol. 

 

On 12/17/2024 at 1:14 PM, April Marie said:

Sending good thoughts for you, Ashley!! Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas April Marie

 

2 hours ago, Clyde said:

**Trigger Warning** Discussion about traumatic past.

 

Hopefully I'm putting this in the right place as I'm tech challenged lol. 

 

I'm not very good at getting my words out. Socially I'm very out of touch with society. My name is Clyde, I'm 35 and I had no idea I was trans FtM until later on in life. I always felt different, more man than woman, but never knew much about the trans community. 

 

I grew up in a very conservative family and I saw how they treated my cousin, who was a lesbian. They eventually forced her into a marriage with a man (they are long since divorced now, go figure). I tried coming out to my parents during a game of life, I thought then I was just Bisexual, but more masc presenting. Very tomboyish at times. I had picked two girl characters to have a wife instead of a husband and he lost it on me. 

 

"A woman is supposed to be with a man, end of story" he screamed.

 

I knew then I couldn't tell them. I tried again by begging for my hair to be cut short, my mom allowed it, my dad lost it when he saw me. I was now a boy and he said I should look like a woman. It hurt big time, I was in elementary school. I remember wanting to look like my older brothers and I didn't understand why that was a problem. 

 

I would beg my dad every year to take me to the monster truck rally, he always said he would, but he took my brothers and left me at home. I wanted to learn how to fix vehicles like my dad, but he didn't want to teach me, he said a woman should be in the office answering phones.. 

 

I had to hide wearing mens clothes as it greatly bothered my parents, especially my middle brother, he often bullied me alongside my "parents". The things they did to me I can't even begin to tell here as it's far too graphic and distressing. Let's just say my trust for humans has been greatly diminished. People for as long as I can remember have been unkind to me. Due to this, I've never been good with social cues. I struggle to relate to people and I often doubt myself. It's hard for me to open up and trust. 

 

My eldest brother and I thankfully were very close, but he was my half brother from my dads first marriage, so he mainly lived with his mom. He also had Cystic Fibrosis and so he was often sick in the hospital. He was one of the only ones to show me true kindness in my family, but he sadly passed away in 2001 at the young age of 27. A part of me died with me that day and I never got a chance to say goodbye. 

 

I felt I could never talk to anyone, so I become very mentally unwell to which my mom ran to the doc any chance she got to have him load me up on pills. I ran away at 15 due to the abuse and lived on the streets for a while. I've been SA and nearly murdered, forced to slang drugs. I had to do the most awful things for a warm meal and a safe place to close my eyes. Thankfully I have a clean bill of health, but the trauma of it all still greatly weighs on me. So I've been through a lot, and it's taken me a long time to work through it all. I still have good and bad days though, but I'm stronger. 

 

I'm a no contact child with my family. I moved far away also. I know it was best for my mental and physical well-being, but my darn big heart still misses them. I Still long for the family I always hoped for, is that sad? 

 

I haven't started my T yet, I still  wait to discuss this with my doctor in February (soonest they could get me in). I feel like a late bloomer to all of this. I'm a man though, I never felt right in my body. 

 

I'm happily married, my partner is also trans MtF believe it or not haha. I guess we been dating but with extra steps? 😆 

 

It really took my partner transitioning for it to all fall into place for me. I now realize I'm pansexual, not Bi and that I'm a man, not a masc woman. 

 

Now when my partner came out to me back in 2017, we had been together since 2010 and had two sons already. I accepted her 100 percent, same with our kiddos. She had her bottom surgery years ago and is doing well. I'm very proud of how courageous she's been. My only set back is when I started expressing my feelings about wanting to talk to our doctor about me transitioning to a man and starting Testosterone, she went into this mental breakdown. 

 

She kept making comments about how she can't see me with a beard, etc. Things about appearance mostly and it got me really worried and made me feel awful to me honest. We've talked a lot since, but the comments about my body not being what she fell in love with made me kind of furious to be honest. I didn't say that, I listened and tried to understand, but I also now feel like she was only with me for my looks. I understand everyone had their preferences and she married a woman, but I married a man and I accepted her transition to a woman. No that does not mean she has to accept me, life isn't always fair, but I thought she would be more understanding and supportive. I feel like every time I bring it up she gets very upset and short with me. 

 

She's also been extremely obsessive as of late to the point of creeping me out. Watching me all the time too, overly touchy feely. I don't really know how to take this all in and so I'm here for some insight. I don't know how to approach this and I have no other support besides her and our kids.. I have not said anything to our kids yet about me.. I'm worried about it. Worried they will react the same way and I honestly feel very lost. 

 

I love my partner very much and she seems to be more open about it now that we've talked, but I still think she's feeling insecure about me now being the man and maybe she has doubts about her transition? I don't know, but I feel like I'm in a very complicated situation. I want to be a man, for that I'm certain. My partner transitioning wasn't that big of a scare for me, sure I worried about possible complications, but I have always been attracted to women too so my husband becoming a wife didn't bother me. I think she cringes at the thought of me being a man.. yet she's wanting to be all over me as of late, too much to be honest. I'm confused... 

 

I'm determined, but I don't want to hurt her or my kids. 

 

 

It's natural to feel love towards family still. They are the reason you are here. As far as opening up I do understand. The sooner you open up though the more advice you can receive. You are a man there isn't wanting to be one. You are simply tired of hiding it. Your partner should be supportive of you no matter what. Just know that she isn't only transitioning from her transition but also yours. I think if you set the kids aside and calmly explain to them what is going on they will support you. They might be confused and need time. Living out aloud is a big change for everyone around you. She should understand since she is trans too. Living a lie is so depressing. You want to live as you are inside. It's not going to go away. Trust me I didn't transition till I was 38. My regret was not accepting myself sooner. I have attempted suicide multiple times. You can comment here if you want but if you want more people to respond post it on the intro forums. Welcome and you are in the right place.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi Ashley, thank you for the chat on Facebook yesterday it is nice to have a Facebook friend from this forum. I subscribed to your YouTube channel last night, looking forward to seeing some new content there soon. 

 

Praying all is well with you today. Take care

Hugs 

Heather

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  • Forum Moderator

Good morning @Ashley0616

 

It has been a moment since I last chatted with you and I’m slowly catching up with folks here on the forums. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. 
 

Hugs

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋💖

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Just now, Mmindy said:

Good morning @Ashley0616

 

It has been a moment since I last chatted with you and I’m slowly catching up with folks here on the forums. I hope you have a wonderful weekend. 
 

Hugs

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋💖

I got a new to me truck but problem is there is a problem and I told them I can fix it on the 19th. They are working with the financial officer to see what happens. My anxiety is through the roof. It's 2016 F-150 Lariat Super Crew Cab with the 5.0 that has every option except led lights and a sunroof. The led lights will be fixed. It also has the FX4 offroad package. I don't care about the sunroof. I already have everything I would want to do to it if I can keep it. Then I got the bad news. I hope for once things will go my way. 

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  • Forum Moderator
Just now, Ashley0616 said:

I hope for once things will go my way. 

I hope everything goes your way too.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sweetie, I cried reading Your story.  I am sorry You went through so much to get to where You are now.  To be completely honest, I also cried for myself.  I shared so many of these terrible experience.  It is so easy to crawl back into that hole labeled "Normal" and just try to forget the almost constant pain we feel.  However, it seems like You have crossed the Rubicon and are on the path to truly living Your life as You were meant to.  I think I am there also, but I am almost constantly afraid I will back slide and go back to hiding in the shadows.  Thank You for sharing Your self with us.

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  • 1 month later...

Sorry it's been a while since my last entry. A good bit more people came and went in my life, and it has made me think of going with a new outlook on life. Instead of thinking am I good enough for them, I will think are they good enough for me. I don't expect anything. I put myself on Facebook dating just so I'm out there. My life has been going well. I came out positive on taxes this year. I got my oldest son a PlayStation 5 for his birthday. I gave it to him in advance. Almost everything is done with his birthday just got to pay for the food. My mom is making the cake. I have been off of Progesterone for over a week because of the VA. I have been feeling depressed lately even though I'm trying not to. I have been doing ok with the house. The flooring is supposed to get put in on the 24th of this month. This is the third time they will come out. Hopefully it'll be done this time. My youngest is almost done with preschool thank goodness. One less thing to pay for. Looking forward for him to start kindergarten. I won't have to pay for his food due to being on disability so even another. I haven't been able to schedule another electrolysis appointment because of her scheduling. She sure wasn't kidding on how busy she stays. I need to plan all future visits, so no one takes the slot. I feel so exhausted and don't know what else to do. I had two coffees and an energy drink. All I seem to want to do is crash. I had a close encounter with a food allergy. I had to use two EpiPens because the first failed to inject. I did get my hair done today so I feel happy. My natural hair is past my shoulders. I won't have to use extensions for another year. I'm so excited. Less money to be spent.  

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Thank you for updating us, Ash! It sounds like you’re having a mixed bag of it, but not all bad—which is good to read. You’ll have to share pics of your hairstyle!

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Glad you're doing well Ashley!! Happy Birthday to your Son!

 

Hugs Heather

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When I was a teen I knew a lad from school how it came about we would meet in the woods one summer and we experiment I think at that age we all did later I got married to a woman did the usual had kids but something was missing I was confused about my sexuality the years passed I knew I was in the wrong place mentally but one day I came across a a trans femi woman that's when I finally understood what I was after all along a man with false hair and no breasts is not what dose not do it for me I've found that it's a femi woman I'm attracted to I'm looking to speak to other fami woman about my feelings why it's happened to me years down the road of life 

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On 3/21/2025 at 1:40 AM, MaeBe said:

Thank you for updating us, Ash! It sounds like you’re having a mixed bag of it, but not all bad—which is good to read. You’ll have to share pics of your hairstyle!

Thank you MaeBe for always being there. I really do appreciate you. I hope things are going better for you and family.

 

19 hours ago, HeatherK said:

Glad you're doing well Ashley!! Happy Birthday to your Son!

 

Hugs Heather

Thank you HeatherK I will tell him you said happy birthday.

 

Just now, montyone said:

When I was a teen I knew a lad from school how it came about we would meet in the woods one summer and we experiment I think at that age we all did later I got married to a woman did the usual had kids but something was missing I was confused about my sexuality the years passed I knew I was in the wrong place mentally but one day I came across a a trans femi woman that's when I finally understood what I was after all along a man with false hair and no breasts is not what dose not do it for me I've found that it's a femi woman I'm attracted to I'm looking to speak to other fami woman about my feelings why it's happened to me years down the road of life 

montyone well I can talk with you. I'll try to make it a habit to check the forums more often. I just have a lot going on. As you can tell by my post count, I was very active. I have kids two boys and doing house renovations on top of it. Getting a new floor put in because I have only had concrete for a while because the HVAC flooded the floors and of course the laminate wasn't waterproof. What I selected now is plus I love the look better on this. I'll post a picture.

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@montyone I was stationed at RAF Mildenhall from April 2004 to April 2007. It was fun.

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On 3/21/2025 at 1:40 AM, MaeBe said:

Thank you for updating us, Ash! It sounds like you’re having a mixed bag of it, but not all bad—which is good to read. You’ll have to share pics of your hairstyle!

 

IMG_3751.jpeg

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On 3/22/2025 at 1:25 PM, Ashley0616 said:

 

IMG_3751.jpeg

Fer cute!

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On 3/25/2025 at 3:23 PM, Liz said:

I am glad to hear from you : )

Hi it's been a while

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On 3/25/2025 at 3:23 PM, Liz said:

I am glad to hear from you : )

Hi it's been a while

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Just now, Ashley0616 said:

Hi it's been a while

:agreed:

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