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Ashley's Life from Start to Present


Ashley0616

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40 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I'm grateful that I'm not down by more than one. 

@Ashley0616 I don't always respond to your updates, however I do look forward to reading them.

 

I hope you continue to have a wonderful weekend.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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1 minute ago, Mmindy said:

@Ashley0616 I don't always respond to your updates, however I do look forward to reading them.

 

I hope you continue to have a wonderful weekend.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you! I hope you have a great weekend too!

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Glad you are only dropping one med at this time.  
When I was cutting meds I would give myself a pass on thinking and operating beyond bare minimum for survival.   At least for a week or two until things cleared a little.  Hope you can give yourself a pass.  You are doing amazing things now Ashley.


There seems to be weird vibrations in the earth lately anyhow!
 

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1 minute ago, Maddee said:

Glad you are only dropping one med at this time.  
When I was cutting meds I would give myself a pass on thinking and operating beyond bare minimum for survival.   At least for a week or two until things cleared a little.  Hope you can give yourself a pass.  You are doing amazing things now Ashley.


There seems to be weird vibrations in the earth lately anyhow!
 

Yes there does!

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1 hour ago, Mirrabooka said:

@Ashley0616 thinking of you. Keep going!

Thank you!

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It's another I hate my life time again. I was happy because I was going to see if I had borderline personality disorder. I was hoping I didn't but that wasn't the case. The woman I was talking to hasn't talked much. It seems like it's just drifting away. Used to send a message every night. Then two nights went by no contact. She finally contacts me after I confront her and says she isn't on there much but she was doing it everyday for a while there. Am I not worth the effort? Am I not valuable enough and that's why everyone either abandons me or just sees me as a sex object? They say it happens when you aren't looking for it but I haven't even gotten a friend. Say if everyone is going by the thought process of it happens when your not expecting it mentality. Then how will anyone every meet someone? I feel like my only value is to just be a sex object because at least I'll be wanted for something. I even turned down a few times of being a unicorn. Heck I wished I would've accepted one now. At least I would have someone who somewhat cares about me. There is a part of me that is still holding out for my prince or princess. Maybe I just value myself too much in just by asking for monogamy.  Is it really that hard to ask for someone who puts forth the effort and that can actually put up with me. I don't have a single friend and haven't had one in a very long time. I would've thought by now I would just get used to it but that isn't the case. It makes me so mad that it makes me want to vape again and go back to heavy drinking but I won't I have kids and have to deal with the feeling of pain. I just wished it would just go away. Every night that I go to bed I hope that I die in my sleep so I don't have to put up with it anymore. I cry every day with the crap that I deal with. I don't have family that would care. All they would do is yell. They don't know how to show any ounce of empathy. I have over ten issues that I deal with. I have my life set my own house, SUV and income but not getting anything. I'm just rambling now. Sorry. I'm keeping to myself and have only vented some of what is going on. 

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Hi Ashley.  
Sorry all is not well :(

Hope you can sleep and dream :)

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I'm sorry life is not as you want it right now. Take one day at a time and find one good thing to focus on for that day.

 

And, vent away!! That's why we're here.

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7 hours ago, Maddee said:

Hi Ashley.  
Sorry all is not well :(

Hope you can sleep and dream :)

 

2 hours ago, April Marie said:

I'm sorry life is not as you want it right now. Take one day at a time and find one good thing to focus on for that day.

 

And, vent away!! That's why we're here.

Thank you ladies. 

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2 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

 

Thank you ladies. 

Listening.  Praying.

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14 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Am I not worth the effort?

Online chat is a hard stick to measure with. I am terrible about texting. I will see a message, because I'm drawn to the notification but I was busy or wasn't in a place to respond--or I needed to check with my wife first and by the time we interact there is no reminder. I'm just bad about it. Not the worst, but definitely not the best.

 

I wouldn't read too much into communication levels, especially at the very start of a budding online friendship. Ghosting is different, but slow response doesn't equate to an intention for no response. Also, "confronting" people to get them to respond can grate.

 

I know you're hungry for conversation, I would be too given what seems like general isolation that you deal with. I'm usually dropping in here a couple times a day and would be happy to chat. I can't help in certain departments, but can definitely provide a "listening ear". Just remember, if you don't get an immediate response from me I'm not ghosting you! :D

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12 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Online chat is a hard stick to measure with. I am terrible about texting. I will see a message, because I'm drawn to the notification but I was busy or wasn't in a place to respond--or I needed to check with my wife first and by the time we interact there is no reminder. I'm just bad about it. Not the worst, but definitely not the best.

 

I wouldn't read too much into communication levels, especially at the very start of a budding online friendship. Ghosting is different, but slow response doesn't equate to an intention for no response. Also, "confronting" people to get them to respond can grate.

 

I know you're hungry for conversation, I would be too given what seems like general isolation that you deal with. I'm usually dropping in here a couple times a day and would be happy to chat. I can't help in certain departments, but can definitely provide a "listening ear". Just remember, if you don't get an immediate response from me I'm not ghosting you! :D

Thank you!

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4 hours ago, Abigail Genevieve said:

Listening.  Praying.

Thank you!

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@Ashley0616 I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I'm thinking that maybe you're trying too hard? Get outside, go for a walk, smell the roses, smile at people - none of that will land you an instant soulmate and partner for life, but who knows - serendipity will probably be the thing that creates the opportunities!

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2 hours ago, Mirrabooka said:

@Ashley0616 I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I'm thinking that maybe you're trying too hard? Get outside, go for a walk, smell the roses, smile at people - none of that will land you an instant soulmate and partner for life, but who knows - serendipity will probably be the thing that creates the opportunities!

No it didn't it's just apart of borderline personality disorder. The wanting to have them but pushing them away/worried because of fear of abandonment. It has come true more times than I can count. So my mind was rushing and praying that things will be different this time. BPD sucks and plays with the mind. I used to just not even try to put myself out there but this last year I have tried to be different. Her and I are Facebook friends so I read way too much into it. It's difficult when you don't have anyone. The feeling of not being good enough and being to damaged is really strong. I felt no personal value. I was happy at times with being euphoric but again part of BPD. I'm trying to work on things and it's difficult. When I have feelings it goes to the extreme one way or another. My therapist and I are going to start therapy for it so I can learn how to better control emotions. I love the euphoric feeling because I'm on cloud 9 but depression hits so hard it takes everything in me to even be motivated to do simple tasks like making coffee. 

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Well the friends that I thought were going to be friends haven't talked to me in a week. A female matched with me and once I told her that I was on meds she ghosted me just like more than the hundred people before her and probably another hundred more people who will ghost me the future. I'm not even seeking a serious relationship. Just some darn friends and I can't even get that. Maybe I'm too broken. I just don't get it. My fake smiles to my kids are seeming to go away. I want to shield them from pain but it's getting too difficult to handle. I wished I never moved down here I don't have any support. I wanted to stay up north MS but it was too expensive. Not a single family understands or is wanting to understand what I'm going through. I have more disorders than a person should ever have. Somehow I just keeping pushing through hopping for something positive. It's been over a year since something good has happened. I feel motivated in sense because I'm one day closer to death. No I'm not suicidal. I just wished heavily that I was born female and a good bit of this would be better. I feel so darn lonely and no one wants to understand or heck even listen to what I have and currently going through IRL. I keep telling myself one day something good will happen but it's all been a disappointment. I was hopping that getting a dog would help cheer me up but it's not working. I'm trying to do my best. Music, movies and games aren't helping like they used to. I only look forward to when I'm sleeping. I can escape the reality of life and live a life that I would love to be real but I know it won't work. I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy but it has just proven to be constantly true. Some people are interested in me and once they find I'm trans I get I get ghosted. Some just flat out ghost me when everything is going fine. I have had three people who kept a conversation initially but they ghost me in the end. I don't want to feel anything again. I'm sick of all the crap I have been through. Is it really too much to just ask to have a friend IRL? Someone to meet for coffee and talk about things.

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I’m sorry @Ashley0616that you’ve had another rough go at friendship and being ghosted. I totally understand the feeling of putting on a happy face for your children. I hope staying focused on them is enough distraction that you can find peace in your daily routine. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well today by attention wise was downright horrible. My legs can't stay still, can't focus on a project, my mind wanders around a lot, constantly fidgeting, easily distracted, couldn't even tell you what the sermon was about but there was vine on the altar and attention to detail sucks. I have read that it is possible to have BPD and ADHD. My mind even wanders during prayer. If I have both I won't be able to take Adderall because it makes my BPD symptoms worse. I keep having side effects that come up from my 3 traumatic brain injuries.

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I am sorry for your struggles. I cannot empathize, but I can surely sympathize. I wish only the best for you! 

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11 hours ago, MaeBe said:

I am sorry for your struggles. I cannot empathize, but I can surely sympathize. I wish only the best for you! 

Thank you! I really appreciate your comments. You have done quite a lot and I hope it still continues. 

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Hugs @Ashley0616

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Just now, Mmindy said:

Hugs @Ashley0616

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Thank you also @Mmindyfor also being there for me. 

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🌈❤️🌈🩷🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋🩷

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Well things have actually been really good lately. I got a dog last Friday. I forgot how expensive they are but they are worth it. Now if I can just get him potty trained that would be awesome! He only has one particular spot inside that he likes so I try to watch him carefully. He is part German Shepheard and part Lab. He is very low maintenance. The sad part is that he didn't know what to do with a treat nor did he knew how to play fetch instead my youngest was playing fetch. He is kind of getting used to toys somewhat. I'm no longer expecting a relationship because I tell them what is wrong with me because I don't want them to be surprised about anything and they always ghost me. Oh well.

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