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Sort of a Lousy Introduction


Abigail Genevieve

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2 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

I really like your profile picture.  It's cute.

agreed, @MaeBe 

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I suspected something, and I looked at my weight record.  Doctor told me to lose weight, so that is part of it.  I want to get rid of this stomach sticking out as well.  Anyway I was losing weight until the middle of November, which is when I looked in the mirror and flipped f=> m.  I gained significant weight in binge eating and stressing out because I was trying to suppress dysphoria and live with it in boy mode, live with it, endure it, etc. Pants kept falling down.  On March 26 I got up and said to myself, girl, you need to dress properly, or something like that, and I put on women's clothing  (jeans, panties, t shirt) without hesitation, m=> f.  Significant weight drop since, as well as anxiety drop and increase in overall happiness and contentment. And my pants fit and do not fall down.

 

I do not have to apologize to anyone for the basic condition, which was given to me.  So many people have been disgusted at me for not meeting a standard I cannot possibly meet because I was not designed to meet that standard. 

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They were kind enough to honor my name change request.  It's a mouthful but I LOVE IT!!!

 

But Abby will do if you write me.

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Elated earlier, euphoric even, at being a girl, then emotional crash and I am mad at everyone and everything as a base attitude.  Trying to pull my head together.

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Oh, Abby, I went through those emotional peaks and valleys so often, too. My anger at being unable to "control" myself, to be a man, to shed the feelings that I was really a woman trapped in the wrong body, at the embarrassment I felt when dressing in women's attire made me feel complete, all just fueled the dysphoria and depression.

 

What I have found, though, is that those ups and downs became less severe and less frequent as I worked with my therapist and came to accept my reality. As I've come to acknowledge and love myself, irrespective of the clothes I might be wearing, the aner and frustration has diminished. Perhaps, now gone.

 

Hang in there. You can find peace in your own mind. Once you do that, the opinions of the outside world become less and less meaningful.

 

We're here. Vent away and know you are loved for who you are.

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Trans people have a lot to be angry about. Our histories have been largely erased; we’ve been suppressed and mocked and pathologised; many of us grew up being bullied or abused for our gender identities, no matter how hard we tried to suppress them. I used to punch walls until my knuckles bled, and the worst thing was I didn’t even know why, because I’d buried my self-knowledge so deep down. But once I accepted myself and took steps to express that self and requested that everyone else respect it too, my anger dissipated. Or rather, it’s still there, but it no longer has a hold on me. Why not? Because I love myself, and other people’s hatred doesn’t really touch me, not deep down like it used to. 

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2 hours ago, Betty K said:

I didn’t even know why, because I’d buried my self-knowledge so deep down. But once I accepted myself and took steps to express that self and requested that everyone else respect it too, my anger dissipated.

I was kinda like this too (minus the wall punching).  I always had this mostly repressed anger at the world in general.  But when my egg cracked, and I realized who I really am, that went away.  Things can still piss me off, but that's pretty normal I think.  That underlying thing is gone.

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Shameless plug for my "Taylor" story down in Stories You Write.  I am not Taylor and the experiences she goes through are not what has happened to me, but there is an emotional expression that I think is the best way to say some things that I don't know how to say otherwise.  I am not Bob, either.  But you might find out some things about me by reading it.  And I hope it is a good read and you enjoy it.  I am not done with it.  If you would like to comment on it, I would appreciate it.

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I'm thinking about some interactions yesterday I did, while presenting as male but acting as female, that were far better than I did when I was presenting as male and acting as male.  #girlunderhood. I do a crappy job at acting as male and I am giving it up.  I am not talking about feminine gestures or presentation but just relating as a woman.  People don't realize I am doing it but it is a whole lot easier to do.

 

You don't just put on a dress and BOOM you are a girl.  You are a girl and you put on a dress.  Or not. Whether I am in jeans or a skirt (I wish, wife would have lots to say) I am a girl.  I don't need $250 in makeup and heels and hose and all that.  I don't need surgery. Honey, I have arrived.  Now I have to work out how that best works in my life, causing the minimal damage and creating the maximum good, but I have more working room.

 

Oh, and I am still pissed off at everyone and everything. #Contradictory.

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Yesterday when I put that shirt on I saw a woman looking back out of the mirror at me.  Usually I have looked and been very frustrated because I see a man where there should be a woman.  I was expecting to see a man wearing a woman's shirt, but it was a woman wearing a woman's shirt.

 

On the spectrum between intersex and trans, I am more thinking I am a lot more intersex than trans, and it is only a matter of time before my wife says "you need a bra" and then "you look like a woman!" She told me whatever I want to do is fine with her, she loves me no matter what, and I am thinking that there may be a lot more for her in this than she could possibly expect. I'm not pushing it with her.

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So many things become easier when you finally turn that corner and see "you" in the mirror. Shedding the guilt, the fear, the questioning becomes possible - as does self-love - when that person looking back at you, irrespective of what you're wearing, is the real you.

 

I am so happy for you!! Enjoy the journey and where it leads you.

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My wife's nurse was just here.  It is a whole lot easier to relate to her as another woman than to negotiate m/f dynamics and feel like I have to watch myself as a male around her.  It dropped a lot of the tension off, tension that I thought entirely internal to myself, but it made interactions a whole lot better.  

 

I read your post, so I thought I would go look.

 

In the mirror I did not see a woman; instead I saw all these male features.  In the past that has been enough for me to flip and say 'this is all stupid ridiculous why do I do this I am never going to do this again I am going to the basement RIGHT NOW to get men's stuff and I feel like purging'.  Instead I smiled, shrugged my shoulders and came back here.  Panties fit, women's jeans fit.  My T shirt says DAD on it, something I do not want to give up, but a woman might crazily steal hubby's t-shirt and wear it.  I steal my own clothes all the time. 

 

But she is here, this woman I liked it when I saw her yesterday. and her day will come.  I hope to see her again.

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It's been bugging me that the sneakers I have been wearing are 1) men's and 2) I need canvas, because summer is coming.  WM has a blue tax on shoes, don't you know? My protocol is to go when there is no one in the ladies' area because I get looks that I don't like, and have been approached with a 'can I help you sir' in a tone than means I need to explain myself, at which point i become inarticulate.

 

But I found these canvas shoes.  Looking at them, to see if they would pass as male, I realized they might not, and furthermore, I don't really care.

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I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!

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This is the thing.  A month ago tomorrow is when I stopped wearing m clothing.  Today I feel great.  I do not have dysphoria when I am dressed as and I move as a woman.  I was just thinking about that because I was wondering if I would or will get hit with a wave of "you don't have dysphoria so you might as well dress like a guy. Less hassle with your wife."  Not that she is aware, to my knowledge, that these androgynous clothes are women's.  No desire to "flip", no feeling of need to, just happy identifying as female.  Speaking, in my deep guy voice, with female voice patterns, doing the feminine gestures that come naturally and without exaggeration and at peace.

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Sort of bracing myself for flipping, because I am wearing f and of course I wear f and it is natural to wear f and what else would I wear?  The  novelty is long gone out on this.  I wore a bra most of yesterday but we had a Zoom call and I took the bra off because I was concerned about the straps showing.  I missed it. 

 

My body is saying "I am female!  Treat me that way!"

 

In the past it has screamed about this activity that  I have done to it.

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On 4/24/2024 at 11:32 AM, Abigail Genevieve said:

doing the feminine gestures that come naturally

I found this as well. No playacting, they just appear: the finger waggle wave; bracing my elbow on my other arm that's folded across my chest, wrist in the air half-cocked; walking a bit more fiercely... All that. My wife thought I was mocking her at one point!

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2 hours ago, MaeBe said:

I found this as well. No playacting, they just appear: the finger waggle wave; bracing my elbow on my other arm that's folded across my chest, wrist in the air half-cocked; walking a bit more fiercely... All that. My wife thought I was mocking her at one point!

My bone structure is far more female than male.  I can't throw like a guy, which has been observed by guys numerous times, and moving like a woman is more natural.  It just is.  I'm not going out of my way to act in a fem. way, as you say, but I am letting go of some of the 'I am not going to move like that because I am a guy' stuff I have defensively developed.  The other breaks through anyway - there were numerous looks from people at work when I would use gestures that are forbidden to men, or say something spontaneously no guy would ever say.

 

At one point, maybe a year or more ago, I said it was unfair for people to think they were dealing with a man when they were actually dealing with a woman. 

 

Girl here.  'What is a woman' is a topic for another day.

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1 hour ago, Abigail Genevieve said:

I am letting go of some of the 'I am not going to move like that because I am a guy' stuff I have defensively developed.

Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.

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Went out to get the mail.  I was thinking that I only have dysphoria when I am dressed like a guy as I walked out there, looselimbed and feeling femme.   Get with the program, girl, says I. I am supposed to be dysphoric when I am wearing women's clothing, not the other way around.  In the past I have worn women's clothing like this and after a while said I guess I really don't have GD, switched to male clothing until I gave it up, miserable, and went back.

 

Dreaming of a nice skirt-suit set.  Looked at them on Amazon.  And a peasant skirt with a nice lacy top.  And a denim skirt, worn with tights, boots and a turtleneck.  A girl can dream.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Abigail Genevieve said:

I was thinking that I only have dysphoria when I am dressed like a guy

For a time I would get an anxiety attack when I had to dress in male mode.  Haven't tried it in a while.

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3 hours ago, Abigail Genevieve said:

  I was thinking that I only have dysphoria when I am dressed like a guy as I walked out there, looselimbed and feeling femme.   Get with the program, girl, says I. I am supposed to be dysphoric when I am wearing women's clothing, not the other way around. 

 

 

Do you feel euphoria when wearing feminine clothes? I'm curious about why you think you are supposed to feel dysphoria in fem clothes. I totally get why you would feel dysphoria with masc clothes. For me what urged my transition forwards was the amount of gender euphoria I got from dressing like a guy , and my dysphoria from wearing anything remotely fem got worse and worse until i get rid of evey fem article in my wardrobe and all my makeup, so I could concentrate on just being me and chasing the euphoria. Dysphoria didn't go away though, because I've been misgendered constantly and it hurts more when dressed in my man clothes . However now I'm on T, my doubts and dysphoria have massively lifted and I'm excited to see the masc changes to my body happening. I do have to learn patience though lol.

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7 minutes ago, LittleSam said:

Do you feel euphoria when wearing feminine clothes? I'm curious about why you think you are supposed to feel dysphoria in fem clothes. I totally get why you would feel dysphoria with masc clothes. For me what urged my transition forwards was the amount of gender euphoria I got from dressing like a guy , and my dysphoria from wearing anything remotely fem got worse and worse until i get rid of evey fem article in my wardrobe and all my makeup, so I could concentrate on just being me and chasing the euphoria. Dysphoria didn't go away though, because I've been misgendered constantly and it hurts more when dressed in my man clothes . However now I'm on T, my doubts and dysphoria have massively lifted and I'm excited to see the masc changes to my body happening. I do have to learn patience though lol.

There is just a feeling that this is normal when I wear f clothes.  As a biological male I am supposed to, I suppose, experience dysphoria in f clothes. Instead it is reversed. 

Sometimes there is euphoria about being a girl, but it is because my self-perception is lining up with my self-expression. Clothing is actually secondary.  Or third.  Secondary is what my body looks like.  I am a girl regardless of what I look like. I just am one.  As I get used to this I will probably stop talking about it.  Most women do not go around announcing they are women all the time.  They talk about themselves but the presupposition is that they are women.  Never a matter of debate.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not interested in makeup, jewelry or nice clothes or girly stuff.  It's made me wonder at times.   It saves some money.  If I wore a skirt it would likely  be denim.  I thought about a woman's skirt suit but nah.

 

Neither of my sisters are into that stuff either.  One likes peasant chic (still a 60s flower girl)  and the other - the only time she has ever worn a dress was at her wedding.  Jeans at all other times.

 

Jeans and t shirt here.  Content being a girl.  Weirdo. Weirda? Never mind.

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