Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Deciding to transition, I have questions


Recommended Posts

I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just dive right in.

 

I've been trying (passively until recently) for years to pinpoint my sexuality and my gender. I grew up in a VERY rural, mostly conservative area. When I was a kid in the early-mid 2000's, there was only straight, bi or gay. When people asked if I was bi, I would say "I guess so", or "close enough" because I never focused on or thought about gender when I found myself attracted to someone. "Trans" was a rare term and often misrepresented among teens and young adults. "Pansexual" and "demisexual" did not exist in my area, nor did any terms for gender identity except male, female, or some vague androgyny. I was always very open about my orientation growing up, and my mom and siblings were, for the most part, accepting of who I identified as orientation-wise.

 

I moved to a major city at 21 and had wonderful, freeing, horizon-broadening experiences that helped me nurture not only my orientation but also opened my eyes to different gender identities. I was very feminine in my early twenties, and frankly, quite underweight. I leaned into that identity (wearing bodycon dresses, fishnets, etc.) although I felt better being seen as "strong" or more athletic than the women around me. As I got older, I started dressing more masculine, and I felt a small rush of gratitude when someone said "sir" and not "ma'am." Dudes would always "correct" themselves when they saw my face. It always bummed me out.

 

In the past year, I have left the major city and returned home to my smaller town to focus on my mom and siblings, and my relationship to them. I think with the distance from the 'hustle and bustle', I have had a lot of time to consider where I want to be in life, and also who I want to be moving forward. For several years now, I've worn masculine clothes, bound my chest, focused on deepening my voice, even "walking like a man." My mannerisms have completely changed, and I view myself very differently than I did a few years ago.

 

After a long period of consideration and deep introspection, I have decided to search for a therapist that can help with hormone replacement therapy. I'll be 28 this year but am hoping to process this change healthily and view it as an experience that not only transforms me for the better but also makes me a more empathetic and emotionally aware man.

 

I do have a few questions as I commit to this change in myself:

 

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Are there initial steps in the FtM hormone/physical process that you would recommend for taking care of oneself?

How did you/how have you navigated hormonal changes in yourself?

What is the biggest change you have seen that you did NOT expect?

How has transitioning altered your relationships with family (immediate and distant), friends, and potential partners?

Is there something in particular you want/wanted to hear or know from your loved ones? Did you hear it? Did it impact you positively or negatively to hear or not hear it?

What specific boundaries did you/have you set with your loved ones regarding your transition? Are there boundaries you wish you would have set? Why?

Have you found the support you needed to help you through transition?

Have you experienced any "[informed] expectation vs reality" clashes? If so, how have you navigated those conflicts?

 

Thank you so much for any insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, and especially the time and thought to respond. I'm so happy to be here, I'm trying to be concise, but my mind is being pulled in 8 different directions these days.

 

 

Link to comment
  • Admin

Actually a good start there for us in this group.  You fit into a pattern of which each of us is one piece, but the whole pattern is wide a beautiful.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Wonderful questions. My best advice to you is read and review the wonderful workbook based on your own situation and life - called "Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Fox. You can get it on Amazon for about $15. The other questions you have fall in line with many questions many of us have. I will let FTM answer as I went the other way and I would prefer there sinlar journey arcs with you. 

Glad you are here.

Heather

Link to comment

Hi, I've read through your questions. I can't be of much help because I'm in a position where I am 34 and hoping to be on hormones soon. I have an appointment in 3 few weeks with an endo, eek! So I'm interested in if anyone wiser to the process will answer your questions. To answer your first question though, I made a coming out attempt as non binary about 6 months ago. Changed by name and pronouns. As times gone on I've changed to he/they and consider myself transmasc, still non binary, but leaning more towards non binary man. When I do go on hormones hopefully, I plan to send a message that informs family that I have started hormone therapy to masculinise myself and I am happy and excited to start this journey as my true self. I will keep it short and simple, to the point.

 

I'm regards to how i want my loved ones to react. I have a wife, and it has been an emotional time for us both. I just want her to be happy and to celebrate with me when I get my T. She's always been supportive, but has struggled when I first came out. Now she wants to be there when I take the T for the first time and we will have a beer to celebrate. I love her, she's my world and I'm fortunate that she's willing to accept the changes that will happen to me. All I want is for my family to respect pronouns and use no female terms on me. Wider family I can take or leave, but won't tolerate being disrespected at family events.

 

I hope someone further down the line has more insight for you.

Link to comment
10 minutes ago, LittleSam said:

Now she wants to be there when I take the T for the first time and we will have a beer to celebrate.

d'aww! :wub:

 

On 3/29/2024 at 4:16 PM, Markianor said:

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Each person, group, age bracket I've engaged with differently. I am not fully "out". I haven't changed anything at work, my license, or enforced any name or pronoun changes. I'm taking this steps at a time,

 

My extended family doesn't have a clue (though I showed up to New Years en femme and I'm sure there were pearls clutched). My friends were "easy", I just told them "I'm a bit trans" and that I would look a little different than they're used to. My wife and kids have seen me expand my femininity from shaving, to undergarmentry, to hormones, to full clothing and makeup. My brother and sister in-law, I engaged about the same way as I did my friends, but my dad was different. I explained why I was presenting more femininely, but did not specifically state I am trans (though that's kind of part-in-parcel), to avoid conflation with his very religious adherences.

 

I don't know if I'd do anything differently. It's too recent and I think I'm doing an OK job of "bringing people along" by presenting but not demanding, if you catch my drift. It comes at a small personal cost, but by tolerating a slower approach to pronouns and name changes seems to be making things easier for people to see me in this light instead of, perhaps, being more defensive about it.

Link to comment
On 3/29/2024 at 4:16 PM, Markianor said:

I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just dive right in.

 

I've been trying (passively until recently) for years to pinpoint my sexuality and my gender. I grew up in a VERY rural, mostly conservative area. When I was a kid in the early-mid 2000's, there was only straight, bi or gay. When people asked if I was bi, I would say "I guess so", or "close enough" because I never focused on or thought about gender when I found myself attracted to someone. "Trans" was a rare term and often misrepresented among teens and young adults. "Pansexual" and "demisexual" did not exist in my area, nor did any terms for gender identity except male, female, or some vague androgyny. I was always very open about my orientation growing up, and my mom and siblings were, for the most part, accepting of who I identified as orientation-wise.

 

I moved to a major city at 21 and had wonderful, freeing, horizon-broadening experiences that helped me nurture not only my orientation but also opened my eyes to different gender identities. I was very feminine in my early twenties, and frankly, quite underweight. I leaned into that identity (wearing bodycon dresses, fishnets, etc.) although I felt better being seen as "strong" or more athletic than the women around me. As I got older, I started dressing more masculine, and I felt a small rush of gratitude when someone said "sir" and not "ma'am." Dudes would always "correct" themselves when they saw my face. It always bummed me out.

 

In the past year, I have left the major city and returned home to my smaller town to focus on my mom and siblings, and my relationship to them. I think with the distance from the 'hustle and bustle', I have had a lot of time to consider where I want to be in life, and also who I want to be moving forward. For several years now, I've worn masculine clothes, bound my chest, focused on deepening my voice, even "walking like a man." My mannerisms have completely changed, and I view myself very differently than I did a few years ago.

 

After a long period of consideration and deep introspection, I have decided to search for a therapist that can help with hormone replacement therapy. I'll be 28 this year but am hoping to process this change healthily and view it as an experience that not only transforms me for the better but also makes me a more empathetic and emotionally aware man.

 

I do have a few questions as I commit to this change in myself:

 

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Are there initial steps in the FtM hormone/physical process that you would recommend for taking care of oneself?

How did you/how have you navigated hormonal changes in yourself?

What is the biggest change you have seen that you did NOT expect?

How has transitioning altered your relationships with family (immediate and distant), friends, and potential partners?

Is there something in particular you want/wanted to hear or know from your loved ones? Did you hear it? Did it impact you positively or negatively to hear or not hear it?

What specific boundaries did you/have you set with your loved ones regarding your transition? Are there boundaries you wish you would have set? Why?

Have you found the support you needed to help you through transition?

Have you experienced any "[informed] expectation vs reality" clashes? If so, how have you navigated those conflicts?

 

Thank you so much for any insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, and especially the time and thought to respond. I'm so happy to be here, I'm trying to be concise, but my mind is being pulled in 8 different directions these days.

 

 

Deepening the voice, baggy clothes and binding are pretty much the only thing a FTM can do before HRT. The good thing is you get facial hair and natural voice deepens, mannerisms, walking and presenting which you are already doing. Many props to you for doing what you are already doing. It then goes as to how far and many surgeries as you want after that.

 

I tried to navigate it by trying to control my emotions which more than not didn't work. I realized how teenage girls feel during the puberty and wanted to date so badly because the hormones were wild. I haven't stopped yet but I don't say yes to anyone who acknowledges me.

 

I for the most part wasn't expecting to want to date so badly. Everything else was as all the YouTube videos described. I didn't realize how many family members I would lose after coming out. I'm still happy just disappointed to see how much they actually loved me.

 

Potential partners is a joke because I haven't found anyone yet. I had a couple but they stopped wanting to know me. 

 

Boundaries with family no because if I did I would lose everyone. I get deadnamed and the wrong pronouns are used.

 

The only support is from local trans groups, VA, three sisters (which is iffy at times), and on here. 

 

I wished that my body and facial hair would go away with HRT but it doesn't. 

 

I hope you are doing ok and sorry for the late response. 

 

 

Link to comment

I'd love to thank everyone who has responded so far. For several reasons, my transition process will be much slower than I'd like... I do plan to come out, and plan to live my life as a trans man by my birthday in December. Finding affordable therapy and saving up for treatment that may not be covered by insurance is very hard (as I'm sure many if not all here have experienced). For now, I'm speaking with an HR rep at work to get gender neutral pronouns printed on a mandatory name tag.

 

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I would love to see answers to the questions I asked in my post, no matter how far down the road, or how old this post gets. Someone else's perspective and life experiences will always have an impact on me, and I'm sure it will always matter to people here in the future. Please never think it is too late to answer any of these questions. I'd love to answer them myself someday. Thanks again everyone! I'm so thankful this platform exists.

Link to comment

Another comment to add: In addition to the conversation at work (limited as it will be), I'm nervous but excited to 'come out' to my family. My mom and siblings have always been allies of the LGBTQIA+ community, and they've always participated in political and socioeconomic movements with the goal of enriching and supporting the lives of people/families in marginalized communities.

 

It's my number one goal to have this conversation with my loved ones as soon as I can or as soon as I feel confident enough. I'm just so uncertain of how to start. Knowing they struggle to have very serious conversations like this, I've even prepped some jokes about successful men who stopped growing at 5' 3" (I've never really been self-conscious of my height!). For whatever -toasted- up reason, Amy Lee from Evanescence (A WOMAN) was the first on the list. The second was Joe Pesci... The third was Martin Scorsese. The almost serendipitous humor here is that my mother LOVES mafia flicks and my siblings and I grew up watching Goodfellas and Casino.

 

Finishing off this roller-coaster train of thought, I know what I'm doing is the best for me. I'd love support from my family, so I'm willing to roll with some punches that might actually sting. They'll never make me or my identity a punching bag or a running joke, so I know, as hard as this process is right now, and as hard as it will be down the road, I'm going to be much healthier and happier than I have been up to this point. If I don't write this right now, I'm scared I'll lose sight of this security I feel.

Link to comment

It’s a scary process of the unknowing. Just remember when you do come out they will be transitioning too. I did mine on Facebook messenger and I didn’t have much of a choice because my family is spread out all over. It’s like public speaking for the first time. All the jitters and butterflies in the stomach because the spotlight will be all on you. It’s daunting enough to even make an announcement but it will be bigger. Give them grace and time to respond because it’s going to be huge news to them. Don’t force anything let flow as naturally as can be. I’m not trying to stress you out but it’s huge and needs to be done sooner than later because they will more than likely ask why wait so long. Go over the possibilities and create answers so you don’t have the deer in the headlights look. Make sure you give them eye contact or make it look that way. You can do it! 

Link to comment
22 hours ago, Markianor said:

I'd love to thank everyone who has responded so far. For several reasons, my transition process will be much slower than I'd like... I do plan to come out, and plan to live my life as a trans man by my birthday in December. Finding affordable therapy and saving up for treatment that may not be covered by insurance is very hard (as I'm sure many if not all here have experienced). For now, I'm speaking with an HR rep at work to get gender neutral pronouns printed on a mandatory name tag.

 

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I would love to see answers to the questions I asked in my post, no matter how far down the road, or how old this post gets. Someone else's perspective and life experiences will always have an impact on me, and I'm sure it will always matter to people here in the future. Please never think it is too late to answer any of these questions. I'd love to answer them myself someday. Thanks again everyone! I'm so thankful this platform exists.

I went from male to female without in between. I didn’t waste anytime because I know without a shadow of doubt what I am. I’m still in the process of changing it over but I only have two things. Birth certificate and military discharge paperwork. Everything else is done. It was fun but also a pain to make sure everything got done. We all transition differently. What works for me may not be for you. It needs to be as you feel comfortable with. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
22 hours ago, Markianor said:

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I never used gender-neutral pronouns.  I had no desire to use them, and I didn't want to inflict two changes on friends and family.

 

As soon as I came out to my wife, she started using she/her pronouns and my new name.  Same with my brothers.  As I came out to individual people, they started using my name and pronouns.  When I went full-time, I stood up at the community kaffeeklatsch, as my old self, and told them that, as of the following week, I would be Kathy and I would appreciate them using she/her pronouns.

 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 102 Guests (See full list)

    • April Marie
    • AllieJ
    • MaybeRob
    • Betty K
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.6k
    • Total Posts
      768.1k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,019
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Breezy Victor
    Newest Member
    Breezy Victor
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amanda May
      Amanda May
      (75 years old)
    2. bleep
      bleep
    3. onaquest
      onaquest
      (59 years old)
  • Posts

    • April Marie
      Eye appointment. Mascara and liner gone?      
    • April Marie
      I agree with you, Raine. Having a label - a word with a definition - can be so very helpful in understanding yourself and others.   To me, the danger isn't in the label but, rather, in how much of society ascribes rigid norms of behavior, of dress, and of actions to them. The majority of us in the greater LGBTQ+ communities see a fluidity, perhaps, not a hard label but a sense of recognition that helps us understand ourselves better and to garner that feeling that we are not alone (although, there are even some communities of people within the greater LGBTQ+ that see more rigidity than most of us). And, as we all know, that can lead to a belief that anything that doesn't fit into the box that carries the label is wrong, or bad.   Wouldn't it be wonderful if, instead of labels, life had bar codes that offered a wider description instead of a word or phrase? Scan and see the possibilities and not just one internalized definition.   Well, this is way too deep for having just had one cup of coffee.   Thanks for opening the topic, Raine! So thought-provoking.
    • April Marie
      Oh, Birdie! I hope you are feeling well this morning and got a good night's rest. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!
    • Betty K
      I love that trans and gender-diverse folk have a bunch of labels for gender. To me, it shows that we’re making sense of it, really taking a close look at it, breaking it down. Of course as you explore something you have an urge to categorise it, that makes perfect sense to me. And, as you say, knowing what label applies to you helps you feel less alone. Coming from a time and place where there wasn’t even a word for trans, I can vouch for the importance of that.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      The problem is mostly on weekdays, when I have school. I wake up right before leaving for school, but I don't get hungry until a while after I wake up, so I usually skip breakfast. Eating too early in the day makes me feel sick, so I'm usually better off. I have the first lunch shift at my school (10:35-11:05, I believe), and I'm still not all that hungry, so I usually only end up eating about half of my lunch. I sometimes have a snack when I get home, but that's still 50/50 at best, and then I usually eat most of my dinner (though I sometimes only get through closer to 70%). I might eat a snack before bed sometimes, depending on the day. In addition to my morning sickness (not from pregnancy fyi lol, I've had it for a long time, it's just the best name I have for it), I get a lot of anxiety-induced nausea throughout the day basically the entire time I'm at school and my stomach doesn't settle all the way until I've gotten home usually, too.     I'm still at a healthy weight with this, and I eat better on weekend days since I can control the times I eat more, but I'm aware it's still not exactly a healthy eating schedule. It could still potentially lead to problems in the future, I'm assuming. Any tips on how to eat better for someone whose aversion(?) to food comes from a lot of nausea? 
    • Birdie
      CNA called an ambulance yesterday at my evening meds check. I was having chest pains and very short of breath.    They arrived shortly and I had an abnormal EKG and Tachycardia. I told them 'right bundle blockage' was normal for me from a previous event, and they saw nothing new.    They said it was my decision if I wanted to go to the hospital or not, but they really didn't see nothing new based off my history and the nitro was working well at relieving my discomfort. I decided to stay home and rest.    Night call nurse called me to inform me to rest and take it easy and the doctor will see me in the morning as well.    The CNA did remove my bra before the ambulance arrived saying, "just less to explain", and she of course gave them all my medical history referring to me as "he". The medic lifted my boob to attach the EKG lead and all three referred to me as "ma'am" the whole time.    After they left she said, "I was the only person in the room that thought of you as male?"   Birdie 💖
    • RaineOnYourParade
      Shadows in the corner, eyes wide
    • Carolyn Marie
      I think your view makes perfect sense, Raine.  Labels and categories can help us make sense out of something confusing, bring order to chaos, set priorities, establish groups of similar things, and many other uses.  Labels are often essential in hard science and the social sciences, too.  But they can certainly be misused and become destructive.   Carolyn Marie
    • RaineOnYourParade
      In some ways, things have been better, but they've stayed the same in other ways. I haven't had any big changes at home or been allowed to really start transitioning much, and my anxiety kind of impedes my ability to correct strangers and such. In some ways, I feel like my anxiety surrounding my gender got a bit worse following coming out to my parents.   However, it does change things with my friends, and it allows me to feel more comfortable and safe with them, like I could take off a heavy mask. For that, I'm very grateful, since that's one less place I have to be afraidi.
    • RaineOnYourParade
      I know a lot of people don't like labels, and they can be harmful, but I don't think they're all bad personally   If there's a name for something, you know you're not the only one experiencing it, and that can make things a little less scary   If I didn't ever hear the label "transgender man", I'd still be wondering why I felt the way I did, and what was wrong with me   If I didn't know labels like "pansexual", I would still be beating myself up for having feelings for people of all different genders   So, while this doesn't apply to everyone, labels did help me some -- the problem isn't labels in themselves, but rather when labels are used against people or as a stereotype    ...does this count as a hot take?  💀
    • RaineOnYourParade
      The metaphor definitely applies, but I doubt it was intentional (mostly due to the time of release).
    • Carolyn Marie
      There were 3.5 million public school teachers in the U.S. in 2021-22.  If you accept the estimate that trans folk make up around 1.5% of the population, that results in over 52,000 trans teachers.  That's quite a lot, actually.  I personally know four, including two college professors.    Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
      Given that the story was published in book form in 1883 by C. Collodi, I think it's safe to say that the puppet and it's story has no relation to transgender issues, unless it can be shown that the author was transgender themself.   Carolyn Marie
    • Davie
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Not me, but I know my husband has a slight curve due to bad discs and pain.  Perhaps its something related to your time in the military?  I know that soldiers tend to carry WAY too much backpack weight, and that can cause back and knee issues even for the young. 
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...