Deciding to transition, I have questions

[Markianor]

I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just dive right in.

 

I've been trying (passively until recently) for years to pinpoint my sexuality and my gender. I grew up in a VERY rural, mostly conservative area. When I was a kid in the early-mid 2000's, there was only straight, bi or gay. When people asked if I was bi, I would say "I guess so", or "close enough" because I never focused on or thought about gender when I found myself attracted to someone. "Trans" was a rare term and often misrepresented among teens and young adults. "Pansexual" and "demisexual" did not exist in my area, nor did any terms for gender identity except male, female, or some vague androgyny. I was always very open about my orientation growing up, and my mom and siblings were, for the most part, accepting of who I identified as orientation-wise.

 

I moved to a major city at 21 and had wonderful, freeing, horizon-broadening experiences that helped me nurture not only my orientation but also opened my eyes to different gender identities. I was very feminine in my early twenties, and frankly, quite underweight. I leaned into that identity (wearing bodycon dresses, fishnets, etc.) although I felt better being seen as "strong" or more athletic than the women around me. As I got older, I started dressing more masculine, and I felt a small rush of gratitude when someone said "sir" and not "ma'am." Dudes would always "correct" themselves when they saw my face. It always bummed me out.

 

In the past year, I have left the major city and returned home to my smaller town to focus on my mom and siblings, and my relationship to them. I think with the distance from the 'hustle and bustle', I have had a lot of time to consider where I want to be in life, and also who I want to be moving forward. For several years now, I've worn masculine clothes, bound my chest, focused on deepening my voice, even "walking like a man." My mannerisms have completely changed, and I view myself very differently than I did a few years ago.

 

After a long period of consideration and deep introspection, I have decided to search for a therapist that can help with hormone replacement therapy. I'll be 28 this year but am hoping to process this change healthily and view it as an experience that not only transforms me for the better but also makes me a more empathetic and emotionally aware man.

 

I do have a few questions as I commit to this change in myself:

 

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Are there initial steps in the FtM hormone/physical process that you would recommend for taking care of oneself?

How did you/how have you navigated hormonal changes in yourself?

What is the biggest change you have seen that you did NOT expect?

How has transitioning altered your relationships with family (immediate and distant), friends, and potential partners?

Is there something in particular you want/wanted to hear or know from your loved ones? Did you hear it? Did it impact you positively or negatively to hear or not hear it?

What specific boundaries did you/have you set with your loved ones regarding your transition? Are there boundaries you wish you would have set? Why?

Have you found the support you needed to help you through transition?

Have you experienced any "[informed] expectation vs reality" clashes? If so, how have you navigated those conflicts?

 

Thank you so much for any insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, and especially the time and thought to respond. I'm so happy to be here, I'm trying to be concise, but my mind is being pulled in 8 different directions these days.

 

 

[VickySGV]

Actually a good start there for us in this group.  You fit into a pattern of which each of us is one piece, but the whole pattern is wide a beautiful.

[Heather Shay]

Wonderful questions. My best advice to you is read and review the wonderful workbook based on your own situation and life - called "Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Fox. You can get it on Amazon for about $15. The other questions you have fall in line with many questions many of us have. I will let FTM answer as I went the other way and I would prefer there sinlar journey arcs with you. 

Glad you are here.

Heather

[LittleSam]

Hi, I've read through your questions. I can't be of much help because I'm in a position where I am 34 and hoping to be on hormones soon. I have an appointment in 3 few weeks with an endo, eek! So I'm interested in if anyone wiser to the process will answer your questions. To answer your first question though, I made a coming out attempt as non binary about 6 months ago. Changed by name and pronouns. As times gone on I've changed to he/they and consider myself transmasc, still non binary, but leaning more towards non binary man. When I do go on hormones hopefully, I plan to send a message that informs family that I have started hormone therapy to masculinise myself and I am happy and excited to start this journey as my true self. I will keep it short and simple, to the point.

 

I'm regards to how i want my loved ones to react. I have a wife, and it has been an emotional time for us both. I just want her to be happy and to celebrate with me when I get my T. She's always been supportive, but has struggled when I first came out. Now she wants to be there when I take the T for the first time and we will have a beer to celebrate. I love her, she's my world and I'm fortunate that she's willing to accept the changes that will happen to me. All I want is for my family to respect pronouns and use no female terms on me. Wider family I can take or leave, but won't tolerate being disrespected at family events.

 

I hope someone further down the line has more insight for you.

[MaeBe]

10 minutes ago, LittleSam said:

Now she wants to be there when I take the T for the first time and we will have a beer to celebrate.

d'aww!

 

On 3/29/2024 at 4:16 PM, Markianor said:

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Each person, group, age bracket I've engaged with differently. I am not fully "out". I haven't changed anything at work, my license, or enforced any name or pronoun changes. I'm taking this steps at a time,

 

My extended family doesn't have a clue (though I showed up to New Years en femme and I'm sure there were pearls clutched). My friends were "easy", I just told them "I'm a bit trans" and that I would look a little different than they're used to. My wife and kids have seen me expand my femininity from shaving, to undergarmentry, to hormones, to full clothing and makeup. My brother and sister in-law, I engaged about the same way as I did my friends, but my dad was different. I explained why I was presenting more femininely, but did not specifically state I am trans (though that's kind of part-in-parcel), to avoid conflation with his very religious adherences.

 

I don't know if I'd do anything differently. It's too recent and I think I'm doing an OK job of "bringing people along" by presenting but not demanding, if you catch my drift. It comes at a small personal cost, but by tolerating a slower approach to pronouns and name changes seems to be making things easier for people to see me in this light instead of, perhaps, being more defensive about it.

[Ashley0616]

On 3/29/2024 at 4:16 PM, Markianor said:

I'm not sure how to start, so I'll just dive right in.

 

I've been trying (passively until recently) for years to pinpoint my sexuality and my gender. I grew up in a VERY rural, mostly conservative area. When I was a kid in the early-mid 2000's, there was only straight, bi or gay. When people asked if I was bi, I would say "I guess so", or "close enough" because I never focused on or thought about gender when I found myself attracted to someone. "Trans" was a rare term and often misrepresented among teens and young adults. "Pansexual" and "demisexual" did not exist in my area, nor did any terms for gender identity except male, female, or some vague androgyny. I was always very open about my orientation growing up, and my mom and siblings were, for the most part, accepting of who I identified as orientation-wise.

 

I moved to a major city at 21 and had wonderful, freeing, horizon-broadening experiences that helped me nurture not only my orientation but also opened my eyes to different gender identities. I was very feminine in my early twenties, and frankly, quite underweight. I leaned into that identity (wearing bodycon dresses, fishnets, etc.) although I felt better being seen as "strong" or more athletic than the women around me. As I got older, I started dressing more masculine, and I felt a small rush of gratitude when someone said "sir" and not "ma'am." Dudes would always "correct" themselves when they saw my face. It always bummed me out.

 

In the past year, I have left the major city and returned home to my smaller town to focus on my mom and siblings, and my relationship to them. I think with the distance from the 'hustle and bustle', I have had a lot of time to consider where I want to be in life, and also who I want to be moving forward. For several years now, I've worn masculine clothes, bound my chest, focused on deepening my voice, even "walking like a man." My mannerisms have completely changed, and I view myself very differently than I did a few years ago.

 

After a long period of consideration and deep introspection, I have decided to search for a therapist that can help with hormone replacement therapy. I'll be 28 this year but am hoping to process this change healthily and view it as an experience that not only transforms me for the better but also makes me a more empathetic and emotionally aware man.

 

I do have a few questions as I commit to this change in myself:

 

What did you say to come out to your family, friends and loved ones? What, today, would you say differently (if anything)?

Are there initial steps in the FtM hormone/physical process that you would recommend for taking care of oneself?

How did you/how have you navigated hormonal changes in yourself?

What is the biggest change you have seen that you did NOT expect?

How has transitioning altered your relationships with family (immediate and distant), friends, and potential partners?

Is there something in particular you want/wanted to hear or know from your loved ones? Did you hear it? Did it impact you positively or negatively to hear or not hear it?

What specific boundaries did you/have you set with your loved ones regarding your transition? Are there boundaries you wish you would have set? Why?

Have you found the support you needed to help you through transition?

Have you experienced any "[informed] expectation vs reality" clashes? If so, how have you navigated those conflicts?

 

Thank you so much for any insight. Thank you for taking the time to read, and especially the time and thought to respond. I'm so happy to be here, I'm trying to be concise, but my mind is being pulled in 8 different directions these days.

 

 

Deepening the voice, baggy clothes and binding are pretty much the only thing a FTM can do before HRT. The good thing is you get facial hair and natural voice deepens, mannerisms, walking and presenting which you are already doing. Many props to you for doing what you are already doing. It then goes as to how far and many surgeries as you want after that.

 

I tried to navigate it by trying to control my emotions which more than not didn't work. I realized how teenage girls feel during the puberty and wanted to date so badly because the hormones were wild. I haven't stopped yet but I don't say yes to anyone who acknowledges me.

 

I for the most part wasn't expecting to want to date so badly. Everything else was as all the YouTube videos described. I didn't realize how many family members I would lose after coming out. I'm still happy just disappointed to see how much they actually loved me.

 

Potential partners is a joke because I haven't found anyone yet. I had a couple but they stopped wanting to know me. 

 

Boundaries with family no because if I did I would lose everyone. I get deadnamed and the wrong pronouns are used.

 

The only support is from local trans groups, VA, three sisters (which is iffy at times), and on here. 

 

I wished that my body and facial hair would go away with HRT but it doesn't. 

 

I hope you are doing ok and sorry for the late response. 

 

 

[Markianor]

I'd love to thank everyone who has responded so far. For several reasons, my transition process will be much slower than I'd like... I do plan to come out, and plan to live my life as a trans man by my birthday in December. Finding affordable therapy and saving up for treatment that may not be covered by insurance is very hard (as I'm sure many if not all here have experienced). For now, I'm speaking with an HR rep at work to get gender neutral pronouns printed on a mandatory name tag.

 

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I would love to see answers to the questions I asked in my post, no matter how far down the road, or how old this post gets. Someone else's perspective and life experiences will always have an impact on me, and I'm sure it will always matter to people here in the future. Please never think it is too late to answer any of these questions. I'd love to answer them myself someday. Thanks again everyone! I'm so thankful this platform exists.

[Markianor]

Another comment to add: In addition to the conversation at work (limited as it will be), I'm nervous but excited to 'come out' to my family. My mom and siblings have always been allies of the LGBTQIA+ community, and they've always participated in political and socioeconomic movements with the goal of enriching and supporting the lives of people/families in marginalized communities.

 

It's my number one goal to have this conversation with my loved ones as soon as I can or as soon as I feel confident enough. I'm just so uncertain of how to start. Knowing they struggle to have very serious conversations like this, I've even prepped some jokes about successful men who stopped growing at 5' 3" (I've never really been self-conscious of my height!). For whatever -toasted- up reason, Amy Lee from Evanescence (A WOMAN) was the first on the list. The second was Joe Pesci... The third was Martin Scorsese. The almost serendipitous humor here is that my mother LOVES mafia flicks and my siblings and I grew up watching Goodfellas and Casino.

 

Finishing off this roller-coaster train of thought, I know what I'm doing is the best for me. I'd love support from my family, so I'm willing to roll with some punches that might actually sting. They'll never make me or my identity a punching bag or a running joke, so I know, as hard as this process is right now, and as hard as it will be down the road, I'm going to be much healthier and happier than I have been up to this point. If I don't write this right now, I'm scared I'll lose sight of this security I feel.

[Ashley0616]

It’s a scary process of the unknowing. Just remember when you do come out they will be transitioning too. I did mine on Facebook messenger and I didn’t have much of a choice because my family is spread out all over. It’s like public speaking for the first time. All the jitters and butterflies in the stomach because the spotlight will be all on you. It’s daunting enough to even make an announcement but it will be bigger. Give them grace and time to respond because it’s going to be huge news to them. Don’t force anything let flow as naturally as can be. I’m not trying to stress you out but it’s huge and needs to be done sooner than later because they will more than likely ask why wait so long. Go over the possibilities and create answers so you don’t have the deer in the headlights look. Make sure you give them eye contact or make it look that way. You can do it! 

[Ashley0616]

22 hours ago, Markianor said:

I'd love to thank everyone who has responded so far. For several reasons, my transition process will be much slower than I'd like... I do plan to come out, and plan to live my life as a trans man by my birthday in December. Finding affordable therapy and saving up for treatment that may not be covered by insurance is very hard (as I'm sure many if not all here have experienced). For now, I'm speaking with an HR rep at work to get gender neutral pronouns printed on a mandatory name tag.

 

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I would love to see answers to the questions I asked in my post, no matter how far down the road, or how old this post gets. Someone else's perspective and life experiences will always have an impact on me, and I'm sure it will always matter to people here in the future. Please never think it is too late to answer any of these questions. I'd love to answer them myself someday. Thanks again everyone! I'm so thankful this platform exists.

I went from male to female without in between. I didn’t waste anytime because I know without a shadow of doubt what I am. I’m still in the process of changing it over but I only have two things. Birth certificate and military discharge paperwork. Everything else is done. It was fun but also a pain to make sure everything got done. We all transition differently. What works for me may not be for you. It needs to be as you feel comfortable with. 

[KathyLauren]

22 hours ago, Markianor said:

A question I have right now: Did using gender-neutral pronouns before/during/through your transition process seem to help when you did come out as trans? Like, did people seem more accepting of using your current pronouns, having understood/used gender-neutral ones before you were 'officially' (full-time? publicly?) your preferred gender?

 

I never used gender-neutral pronouns.  I had no desire to use them, and I didn't want to inflict two changes on friends and family.

 

As soon as I came out to my wife, she started using she/her pronouns and my new name.  Same with my brothers.  As I came out to individual people, they started using my name and pronouns.  When I went full-time, I stood up at the community kaffeeklatsch, as my old self, and told them that, as of the following week, I would be Kathy and I would appreciate them using she/her pronouns.