told mom n it was..A+trainwreck

[missyjo]

well I finally stopped changing to boymode to take mom out. told her I was trans on Friday n that I would no longer do boymode

 

she said nothing

 

I left. next day texted how are you etc ..no response

 

I texted siblings n was advised she needs some privacy, boundaries n doesn't wish to see or be seen with you, nor do i...

 

done. count me out. don't call or write. 

 

if you see me bleeding, just keep walking -censored-

 

all in the name of God.

 

so sad, hurt, angry, disappointed n alone..why wake up tomorrow? this sucks..we love you if oh but not that.

 

.2 weeks ago we chatted about cher supporting her son chaz as then chastity said she was trans..n moms reaction was of course she loved her it was still her child..guess that doesn't count when it's really here at home. 

 

a..holes

 

sorry

sorry

 

lesson reminder, there's a reason we keep secrets...because some people are narrow minded hurtful jerks.

 

hope your experiences are better

 

[Carolyn Marie]

@missyjo, I'm very sorry you've experienced such rejection.    .  But please don't give up on your family.  Family members, especially parents, need time to absorb the news and go through their "stages of grief" for what they believe they've lost.  Sometimes they blame themselves, and think that nothing good can come of your decision.

 

Of course they're wrong, but it takes time to understand that and get over the shock.  You've had a lifetime to understand yourself and prepare for this decision; they have not.  Please give them time and space and keep the lines of communication open.  Provide information (there is tons of it on the Internet), offer empathy and understanding, and hopefully their rejection will soften.

 

Instant and complete acceptance of a loved one's transition is a rare and precious thing.  Not getting that is not the end of the story.  Don't give up on them, or yourself.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

[EasyE]

Great advice from Carolyn Marie ... and I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain from family members... we're here, walking with you the best we can ... thanks for sharing ...

 

Easy

[missyjo]

carolyn Marie,

thank you. i..I'm just..spinning..she doesn't want to speak to you, see you or be seen with you, and truthfully, either do I

 

screw them

 

sorry..I get spiteful when I feel attacked

 

sorry

 

thank you

[missyjo]

thank you all

 

sorry I'm such a grump

[April Marie]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think it's something that many (most?) of us dread happening from a spouse or family. But, I agree with Carolyn Marie that you shouldn't give up hope. Just know that you have our thoughts, strength and love.

[missyjo]

thank you darling

 

I'm sorry when others say they need borders from me n I need to respect their privacy, the same person I used to take to dinner weekly,..I get..pissy n resentful n you want borders you got them. 

done

don't call, write or stop over

time for new estate plan

meanness towards me doesn't always evoke the other cheek ..sometimes I get angry, hurt n defensive too.

sorry

 

thanks friends

really, I know you're trying..I am too..I'm just still..reeling n spinning..sorry

so sorry

[April Marie]

You have no need to be sorry at all. And it is just normal to feel as you do...and healthy to get the emotions out.

 

I know that I can't tell you how to feel so I'll just offer some thought on how to think. They reacted immediately and without time to think through their feelings. Take some time before you act. You are hurt and deservedly so. But don't let that hurt lead you down a path that you might regret later.

 

 

[missyjo]

thank you

 

wise advice dear. thank you

[Ashley0616]

I'm sorry @missyjo. Maybe they need time to process and didn't know how to respond? You've got us though. I may not be a friend irl but I can always have a conversation with you. I hope you feel better! Take care!

[LittleSam]

Just now, Ashley0616 said:

I'm sorry @missyjo. Maybe they need time to process and didn't know how to respond? You've got us though. I may not be a friend irl but I can always have a conversation with you. I hope you feel better! Take care!

Yes I agree with this, sounds like they do need to process. Obviously their reaction is beyond awful and I'm not excusing it. Sometimes people act very strongly in the hopes to manipulate someone back into hiding. They can't control you, so they act in rage and in a spiteful way. It's cruel, because if you live your life how they wanted you to live, you will be miserable and resentful. They may get tired of you being miserable, but they won't let you transition without barriers and in peace.

[missyjo]

update..latest is if you want relationship with your mom ..n I'm sure siblings are next, then you'll simply dress up as a boy 1 day a week..

it isn't that simple

it's just not

and it's a slippery slope of denying myself more n more to please others

oh well..being alone means nobody else opinion f... matters. 

hugs

thanks

[April Marie]

Hang in there, Missy. We're here for you. Time will tell if your family will come around. In the meantime, be you. You'll be much happier.

[Maddee]

Hi Missy. 
It often seems that everything is ok for other people.  But when it’s us, it’s somehow unforgivable.  
 

I think it’s good to have said something rather than live a b s life with people who hate who we really are. 
 

Maybe time will change this

[missyjo]

thanks friends

 

currently mom wants me to telephone but not visit. no talk of the elephant in the room, my transness..

 

siblings texted that mom wanted calls n not their job to facilitate..so they sound like they want out, plus 1 said I'm not looking forward to seeing you in a dress either .. then you won't, ever..but that means you won't see me again.

 

oh well, happy Sunday

hugs

[Delcina B]

This was...is a tough aspect of my transition too. Though with my Mom the situation is a bit different. I'm not sure how that would have gone had it been a decade earlier. For other loved ones in my life I grieved weeks before telling my brothers, they're still grieving the loss of their big brother. Tbh, big brother was the persona I aimed for, I didn't ever want anyone to know about the real me, the transgender woman. Some here have shared similar stories & healing often comes included with some variation of tolerance, or acceptance with time. There's hope...

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Mmindy]

On 6/10/2024 at 3:11 PM, missyjo said:

lesson reminder, there's a reason we keep secrets...because some people are narrow minded hurtful jerks.

 

hope your experiences are better

I’m so sorry for your rejection experience with your family. I’ve been away from social media taking care of life and the busy activities that come with summer. 
 

Your post is the first thing I read and it reminds me of the rejection that my sister has for her own daughter and myself in the name of God. Just because we identify as part of the LGBTQ community. 
 

Hugs, and know that you will always be loved us here. As said before; Found family can be more loving than blood family. 
 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[missyjo]

delcina..thank you. i keep naively thinking the road to tolerance n acceptance goes by way of sharing experiences together n realizing the gender issues become smalle4 n smalle4 each time..but that doesn't work if they don't wish to see us. shrugs. oh well..it happens I guess. thank you

 

.indy..good for you. thank you. I'm trying to learn that. 

 

hugs to all 5hat want them

[EasyE]

I know how much this hurts, missyjo ... and I am walking a similar tight-rope right now with my family (still keeping much a secret - how I dress, the fact I have started HRT) ... I am sitting here typing this on my back deck in a black skort, knowing that once my dad gets up and gets moving for the day, I'll trade out the skort for a pair of shorts (sigh ... This skort feels so comfortable and affirming!)

 

I am trying to look at things through their eyes, and trying to find as much positive as I can. Sometimes it is hard to find the positive, of course.

 

But this is a big shock to the system, even for well-grounded folks. Especially marriages. Our wives married who they thought were men. And now we are disclosing that there are deep feminine aspects about us. That is a big deal. Add the religious piece, and they likely feel a lot of shame. And the scorn of others, that maybe they failed in their roles...

 

And there is a sense, that while we are discovering and uncovering wonderful things about ourselves (many times things we didn't even know were there until, like, today!), folks around us are feeling betrayed. They feel we are purposefully misleading them and double-crossing them, maybe even taking delight in hurting them (though that is the last thing we are trying to do)...

 

With my wife, I misled her for a long time about a porn addiction I had. So to now tell her about this part of me, which I had never disclosed, feels like another betrayal in her eyes. This one seems to be the last straw for her (we have been separated for a year plus and she barely acknowledged me yesterday on Father's Day, which hurt a lot)... 

 

As for parents, I imagine there is a sense of loss when we announce our transitions. For decades, they have taken pride in having a son or daughter. Now, we are switching things up on them. It likely feels like death to them (I am trying to see through their eyes -- maybe they picked out a special name, poured themselves into making us the best son/daughter we could be, and now we are rejecting that -- and, in their eyes, rejecting them! No wonder some have a hard time even facing us).

 

I have two daughters. I treasure that they are girls/women. If they were to transition to men, it would be tough, even for me, to be frank. Though for some reason I think it is easier if the transition was FTM than MTF. Society seems to value men more. Of course, I am delighted to be my daughters' dads. I am not their mom or sister or auntie. And no matter how things turn out for me, I am still their dad (who wears a black skort and loves it). So this is really weird on my end, lol... 

 

All to say: Patience is required for all involved. Us with ourselves. Us with others. And by God's grace, others with us...If we can continue to love throughout the process and be lovable people towards others, never wavering in our commitment despite the negative/hurtful responses around us, time will heal many wounds. Probably not all. But hopefully many... 

[MaeBe]

Just now, EasyE said:

I have two daughters. I treasure that they are girls/women. If they were to transition to men, it would be tough, even for me, to be frank. Though for some reason I think it is easier if the transition was FTM than MTF. Society seems to value men more. Of course, I am delighted to be my daughters' dads. I am not their mom or sister or auntie. And no matter how things turn out for me, I am still their dad (who wears a black skort and loves it). So this is really weird on my end, lol... 

 

I have two kiddos, both AFAB. My eldest has since come out as trans. When he had come out to us the first time, it was years ago via a letter he'd written and left out conspicuously. We probably didn't do the best, but I kept an open mind and told him to be who they are and do so without putting himself in a box. He'd not expressed any masculine tendencies, from dress to desires, then or after so we thought it may have been a "friend group thing" until much later.

 

It was harder to reconcile when I operated as a cis father, I didn't know anything and I didn't have the language or comprehension to understand what being trans or a parent of a trans kid even meant. Our gender journeys weren't exactly timed the same, but over the last year we've both come out officially in one way or another. I'd been coming to terms with me over the past few years quietly and over the past year it's been an explosion of learning, so I no longer struggle with the concept--even though my mouth will engage without the brain sometimes, misgendering/naming him. So, I still slip and I'm in the same boat as him! It's amazing how much we let the subprocesses in our brains get us through life and how often it causes grief.

 

As for @missyjo, keep going! Every day is a new one and another they come around. If not, it's day you get to be you and learn how to live the life you want and need to.

[KayC]

On 6/10/2024 at 12:11 PM, missyjo said:

we love you if oh but not that

Well then they must not understand the True meaning of Love.  It's unconditional.  If there are 'conditions' it's not Love.

@missyjo I've gone through similar with some of my family members, BUT, regardless of how they react, accept or not, there was always a silver lining --

LIBERATION from the chains of secrecy and hiding and the ability to live as our True Self --- not everybody will accept us in our Journey but why should we live a cloistered life just because of others?  Now you can move forward (and in girl-mode!)

I trust some (and hopefully ALL) of your family will eventually realize how much happier and complete you are as a human being and as a valued family member.  If so, then they will come around.

Deep breaths ...

[missyjo]

thank you friends

your kind encouragement helps n pray your pain is relieved soon

 

I believe they'd sooner or later tolerate or accept me, if they ever gave it a chance..but I doubt they shall...my eldest sibling tells me mom n he have no inclination to see me or be seen with me..naively I still think I'm thr same person just cosmetically different..but alas, I doubt they'll learn..

n I'm comming to terms with that..

 

oh well..thank you n hugs

[missyjo]

and the odd, sad part is mom still thinks I'm visiting this weekend, in boymode..as if I said nothing

 

oh well...time will heal or scar

 

hugs

[MaeBe]

Just now, missyjo said:

naively I still think I'm thr same person

No one changes 100% and usually when change happens it's gradual. I have thought on this a lot. While my mannerisms and exterior have changed, my brain & personality aren't grossly altered. I may be softer, more bubbly, but I was always chatty and in general pretty logical. I didn't suddenly become a different person, that doesn't happen.

 

The thing about coming out is the other person don't see the small changes (usually) and they focus on the big change they can see. With cultural and religious indoctrinations as they are, people will react like they were doused with ice-cold buckets of water and their lizard brains engage. Yes you are asking the world to respond to you differently, but that doesn't eliminate the past.

 

There's a lot to this and it's unique for everyone, so I don't want to go off the deep end. I'm not vying for you to dump or try to reconcile with your family either and I'm probably preaching to the choir, but I wanted to chime that you're not alone. Your problem is specifically unique, but not generally and you've got this!

[Heather Shay]

I see others here have chimed in. It is a difficult journey you are going through and manty here relate and are here for you, will give experienced enhanced answers and gi=ve you support and affimation ALWAYS.

Hugs