The Early 2000's Rave Scene, AA/NA and LGBTQA+

[Lydia_R]

I've been wanting to post here about the underground recovery scene in the rave scene that I experienced in the early 2000's.  At the time, I felt it was very underground and mafia like controlled.  It had the feeling that the gay culture was in control, but perhaps it was something else.  The recovery scene too.  I had massive paranoia about it at the time.  The transgender thing I'm going through now and this message board reflects what was going on back then with the NWTekno.org scene.

 

Perhaps there was the Matrix kind of hard core, tattoos/drugs/sex going on in the scene.  Perhaps those people are now the homeless people on the streets who seem to be so unproductive?  I escaped that scene having only done those drugs about a dozen times.  I'm not really a partier.  I'm kind of a hard core worker or work addict rather than a drug/sex/party addict.  It has worked well for me over the years and I'm extremely thankful that I did not experience the other end of the scene.

 

Perhaps I'm inviting trouble by posting this?  I'm currently homeless having problems accessing the $50-$60,000 from the sale of all my assets at 53 years old and am experiencing very threatening, religious and gang like vibes from the music community as far as I can tell in Portland.  Perhaps they control this board too?  Not sure.

 

I decided the last few days that I will not have relationships with women or men in the future.  It's all T4T for me now, or more precisely, TW4TW.  I've essentially been looking for a nice relationship with a woman in the last few years and not finding it.  It's weird how I can play incredible music on 12 different instruments, code software with a collection of 12 apps that I have coded.  I even had a fairly nice house, but women, well, they don't seem to care about me very much, so I'm done with them.

 

The gang type people in this environment seem to put vibes on me that if I'm not going to be with a woman, then I'm gay and must be into anal sex with men.  I'm damaged physically from sex with a supposedly gay black man musician 20 years ago and then essentially poisoned after having sex with a his-panic man a couple months ago.  Really the only three experiences I had.  I enjoyed the last two times and how feminine I felt.  It was an eye opening experience about how women view men in the bedroom.  Nothing I want to particularly repeat, but there was resolution with this last guy.

 

Like it says on the "Tour" section of my website, I'm not really into sex right now and just want to cuddle with people.  My last roommate said "spooning leads to forking".  Well, that may be true if you are with a man, but it's not true when I am with someone.  I can cuddle all night long with someone spooning and not be into forking.  Thankfully that drive is gone from me and is a major part of my transwoman experience.  Unfortunately, I have not had much success with that.  I don't know if my communications are being blocked, people think I am a creep, or people just don't like me very much.  In any case, I'm having to move on and am looking at getting into long haul trucking to get away from this aggressive vibe in the cities.  My plan is that on the road, I'll be able to produce more of the multi-instrumentalist music that I love so much.  It would be fun to have a transwoman driving partner too.  We'll see.  I'm just kind of a work horse and this cultural scene, whatever it is, is undesirable and pointless.

 

Sorry if this is too triggering.  It's a real politic.  Wording it is always less than perfect.

 

Sincerely,

Lydia (a sober trans-woman of grace and dignity)

[MaeBe]

Lydia,

 

I'm sorry for the burdens and strife you've had and continue to experience, it sounds like you're in a pretty bad place right now. I hope your pivot to driving brings you new joy that you haven't been able to find.

 

I can't say I've found this forum to be mafia-esque; perhaps I'm missing your meaning and I really don't have any background on the music scene there to have any context.

 

Regardless, I wish you the very best of luck in your endeavors and hope you continue to participate here!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

On 8/24/2024 at 8:19 PM, Lydia_R said:

Like it says on the "Tour" section of my website, I'm not really into sex right now and just want to cuddle with people.  My last roommate said "spooning leads to forking".  Well, that may be true if you are with a man, but it's not true when I am with someone.  I can cuddle all night long with someone spooning and not be into forking. 

 

In any case, I'm having to move on and am looking at getting into long haul trucking to get away from this aggressive vibe in the cities.  My plan is that on the road, I'll be able to produce more of the multi-instrumentalist music that I love so much.  It would be fun to have a transwoman driving partner too.  We'll see.

 

I'm not a long-haul truck driver, but I have a CDL.  My husband is a fleet manager, but occasionally we do a trip together.  I think you might like the life, or at least some parts of it.  There's lots of LGBTQ+ and POC folks out there.  The work environment at most long-haul companies is very come-as-you-are.  Once you get started, if you want to drive as a team you could look for a likeminded driving partner. 

 

As for the silverware... I think it depends on the people you're with.  My two trans friends are very snuggly with me, even though our friendship is quite platonic.  And my husband recalls that when he was a teenager, it was relatively common for guys and girls to curl up together as a group, without sexual intent.  In the party scene, I think it was called a "cuddle puddle."  And I've seen asexual folks looking for "cuddle dates" online with very clear boundaries, because just about every human has a need for physical touch.  Hopefully you find something like that. 

[Lydia_R]

Thanks @awkward-yet-sweet, that was well stated.

 

I'm getting closer to the trucking thing.  Life is a little better, but I'm burning through tons of money just not having any way to do things better.  I'm remembering that some of the best music I composed and recorded was done in a vehicle much smaller than one of these trucks.  It should work well.  I almost have all of the things I'll be taking with me on the road.  It's a lot of stuff for the space, but it should work.

 

Although I'd be fine on the road alone, I hope to do the team trucking thing.  It was magical getting a ride from a trucker from Missoula to Seattle this summer.  I was exhausted and totally passed out in the bed.  I awoke to the truck turning in a cloverleaf offramp and it was an incredible feeling waking up like that.

 

I've been concerned about my ability to play music in a moving vehicle.  I've been spending massive amounts of money on Uber and Lyft rides lately and when I bought my new bass the other day, I had it in my lap and was able to play with the radio just fine.  The 1" pine dowel drumsticks I've made work well too and are fun to play while lying in bed.  The 5 octave keyboard I bought yesterday is ultralight and has excellent sounds.  The keys are spring loaded instead of weighted of course.  When I was in the Navy, we hauled a full weighted keyboard all over Africa and South America.  The keyboard I've had for the last few years was like that with a case with wheels.  Those keyboards are not as good as a piano and....  Well, I moved it around a bit this summer and that was not working well, so this 5 octave keyboard is the right tool for the job.  I had a blast playing it last night.

 

As far as the old rave scene and the paranoia around it, well, there was good and bad in it.  Perhaps things get better on the next iteration?

[MaeBe]

@Lydia_R, it sounds like you’ve got a positive goal you’re looking forward to! Hope and excitement are priceless!

 

As a recreational on-and-off bassist, I took note of your pics in another thread. Did you get an ESP or is it an Ibanez? Regardless, six strings would kill me; four is too much. 🤭

 

Love the new gear, love the energy!

[awkward-yet-sweet]

9 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

I was exhausted and totally passed out in the bed.  I awoke to the truck turning in a cloverleaf offramp and it was an incredible feeling waking up like that.

 

The 1" pine dowel drumsticks I've made work well too and are fun to play while lying in bed. 

 

I don't really sleep while my husband drives.  I don't want to sleep by myself.  We don't do really long distance trips, so we are awake together and then we sleep together.  I actually prefer sleeping in the truck to getting a hotel.  The truck bunk is kind of small, but he owns the truck and has it really comfy.  Wood paneling, nice lights, and a really soft mattress.  Sometime really nice about the refrigerator being in the nightstand, if I'm thirsty I don't have to get out of bed at night...

 

Interesting that you're a musician and a drummer.  So is my husband!  And actually, I've seen a lot of truckers who have musical skills.  There are occasional impromptu jam sessions at truck stops.  One time we even ran into three guys who needed a fourth for a barbershop quartet, and my husband was able to sing the right part.  Harmony at the fuel island!  You can have some interesting experiences if you stay in the right places and are open to meeting random people. 

[Lydia_R]

On 9/15/2024 at 8:50 PM, MaeBe said:

Did you get an ESP or is it an Ibanez? Regardless, six strings would kill me; four is too much. 🤭

Yes, it's an ESP.  I don't know much about specs and all of that.  Never got all that interested in engine capacity numbers and things like that.  This is the 4th bass I've ever owned.  The first just lasted a year or so when I was young.  Then in high school I got a 4 string Fender J/P type of bass with passive electronics.  It had one of those 3 way toggle switches to go between the pickups and I enjoyed that aspect of it.  Made some amazing music on that instrument and had it for nearly two decades.  I enjoyed switching to the higher sounding bridge pickup.

 

Then in 2006 I got a Fender 5 string active Jazz bass (MIM).  It had an excellent sound to it.  I enjoy things to be more treble than bass sounding.  So much so that I often turn the 3 band EQ on my mixing board all the way treble and cut the bass.  And I enjoy Lo-Fi FX.  Not much into FX at all, but I like that kind of thing.  The 5 string was very hard to get used to.  Just having that extra string there made things very confusing.  I say that it took me a decade to get used to that instrument.  I finally started being creative with the low B string just a few years ago.  Slapping on it was difficult because of having more chance at hitting the wrong string.  And it's not like I'm going to slap the low B much.  I had regretted the decision of the 5 string for many years and tried many times to go back to a 4 string, but I kept on sticking with the 5 string because I liked the sound so good and it just got to the point where it felt like it was my instrument and all the other instruments I tried just seemed foreign.

 

Then as I dumped all my possessions last month, I picked up this ESP.  I had one picked out online and then thought I would see if there were some used 6 strings around town.  I picked it up and didn't even realize it was the same instrument as the one I was looking at online.  I had a honeymoon moment with it last week.  I was just slapping like crazy on it for 5+ hours straight in the hotel lobby.  I am certainly having a way easier time adjusting to this instrument than the 5 string.  I don't have an amp for it and it has flat wound strings on it.  I was very skeptical about the flat wounds, but I'm doing some interesting thumb work with them and enjoy the smoothness.  I have a set of round wounds here though and will likely put them on soon to get a bright sound.  It makes me want to have two instruments.

 

The keyboard I'm playing is amazing.  I just use the one electric piano sound that I like on it.  I have a couple other sounds in my favorites, but I essentially don't use them.  The sound is expressive when I play the keys at different pressures.  The keys have an exotic slippery feeling to them that feels good but is a little bit of an annoyance.  I'd rather have weighted keys, would rather have a piano, but this is light, sounds amazing and is fun to play.  There is almost always a tradeoff with anything you do.

 

I picked up my final recording gear yesterday.  There was some piece of paper with some "VST Plugin" stuff on it.  I just threw all that stuff in the trash.  I know people who make amazing music with all of that, but I just like my one simple good sound and then playing for hours with it.  I play a lot of different instruments because I like their unique thing that they do.  The sweet spot melodically on a trombone is different than that of a bass and different than that of a keyboard.  I'll typically play for two hours on one instrument and then switch to another when I'm doing my usual music thing.  For whatever reasons, I'd rather my music time be spent like that instead of gigging and I enjoy doing other things professionally.  I'm an extreme morning person too who is not into alcohol and bar scenes at all.  The 4am rave thing was always a dream for me.  I'd excel at that, but I never got involved in it.  My music is pretty analog too.  The recording part is digital, but 100% of it is performed.  I do some copy and paste to save time.  I get a lot of flac and guilty feelings about doing music this way, but I love it.  It's like, so what, I have a few thousand dollars of musical electronics and multiple instruments but I don't have a car.  It's not like I'm the only one using a computer and electricity.  If we can't have freedom in art, what can we have freedom with?

[MaeBe]

5 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

I had a honeymoon moment with it last week.  I was just slapping like crazy on it for 5+ hours straight in the hotel lobby.

Sounds joyous! I haven't picked up my bass since my move to WA. It's standing there in its travel bag, quietly weeping. ;)

 

5 hours ago, Lydia_R said:

I get a lot of flac and guilty feelings about doing music this way, but I love it.  It's like, so what, I have a few thousand dollars of musical electronics and multiple instruments but I don't have a car.  It's not like I'm the only one using a computer and electricity.  If we can't have freedom in art, what can we have freedom with?

Haters gonna hate? Most music we hear on the radio these days isn't created from a straight recording. Multi-layered tracks, synth fills, samples, loops, etc. Music is expression and if you feel good making your music then that's all that matters!

 

Saying all this is making me feel guilty for not playing. I just keep starting over from scratch. :*(

[Lydia_R]

After I finished my 5 hour, unamplified, 6 string bass performance in the hotel lobby, the medium size crowd that had gathered had left to go about their day I went up to the restaurant worker looking for a cup of espresso.  She asked "Where are you playing?" and I responded "Here. That was my show."  I don't think she quite got it.  She was there when I started playing by the gas fireplace at 4:45am.  It's 4:31am now in my hotel room and I'm wanting to jam out on the piano and bass.

 

I often think of myself as The Guardian of Forever.  I was made to do music this way.  I cannot change.

 

C#min7 -> Amaj7 -> Emaj7

[Lydia_R]

This being in the substance abuse topic, I wanted to pull this back around....

 

It's obvious that my path to recovery from addiction (I identify with being an alcoholic/addict and now recovered with absolutely no desire to be intoxicated), was largely about work.  Perhaps I'm simply a work addict now?  It seems harmless enough.  With work you are mostly producing.  With using drugs, you are consuming.  I was always a loner and focused on working when I was using drugs.  And I cared about my health, so I went light on things.  I became more and more sober through a course of 30+ years.

 

In recovery, I don't know quite how to help people out because I don't relate to a lot of the normal addict problems.  I know nothing of despair even though with all I've been through, I should.  I don't understand surrendering to addiction.  That throwing in the towel "-expletive- it" and just using more and more.  Or the other kind of recovery surrender of surrendering to a program or group.

 

When I go to recovery meetings, I typically say "If you want to learn how to get gradually sober over the course of 40 years, then I can share my tactics with you.  Otherwise, these other programs may work better if you need to do it quicker."

[Lydia_R]

At the time, it revolved around this song on the radio in Seattle:

 

https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=flawless+the+ones&mid=3D90FFF131D57FE5C7853D90FFF131D57FE5C785&cvid=703FE83707364E50A745B698AA4A889F&FORM=VIRE

 

The song is still very personal to me.  I've been having fun playing to it lately.  It makes me wonder what happened to that whole generation of people and if any followed me.  I'm very disconnected socially which is good and bad.  I certainly felt like I was out to have fun and at the same time take care of my health.  Perhaps I was just lucky that I made it through that, not only alive but in excellent health.

 

It's kind of like a lot of songs I hear on the radio in these cab rides I've been taking lately.  Easy to play along to with nice melodic hooks.

[Charlize]

   I still love the songs from the late 60's that came out of the "summer of love".  I enjoy them but listening i feel somewhat drawn back to that scene.  For me, is much better left back there in the past.   I also made it through.  

   Today my health and sobriety is too valuable to "romance" the past.  Today is lovely.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize