Anti-Trans Vibes in Portland Oregon

[Lydia_R]

I've been surprised at the anti-trans vibes in Portland Oregon the last 8 months or so.  My transition was going well, until it wasn't.  The backlash came on suddenly and strong and I'm still in it.

 

After getting stranded 1,800 miles from home without IDs, bank cards, transportation or any significant possessions in the second week of August 2024, I walked and got rides back home which took a few weeks.  I've been back home for a few days now and being on the streets again (I was homeless from 2000-2004 after my 7 year career as a Navy musician while I transitioned to a software coding career while living on the streets and enjoyed that career for 20 years [didn't make all that much money at it]), the vibes on the streets seem very threatening.

 

I picked up a Street Roots booklet a few days ago.  They are one of the homelessness organizations around town and they have people selling their newsletter newspaper around town for $1.  The booklet was well thought out being of small size and was a bit of a directory of organizations who can help.  I found one for the transgender community called "Outside In" which was downtown and since I have been off of meds for a few weeks and curious about finding another prescribing doctor, I thought I would check them out.  I went to their address in the booklet the other night at 1am while I was waiting for the DMV to open so I could get a new ID.  When I walked by the address, I was totally shocked.  The street was completely covered in trash (fast food wrappers and the like).  I mean you could hardly see the cement it was so bad.  That area has a high concentration of theoretically homeless people.  Smells of urine.  Churches everywhere.  I did not see a sign on a doorway while I passed the address.  I was completely disgusted and took it rather personally.

 

I get the feeling that people are parading me around town as a bad example of transgenderism and drug addiction.  On the drug front, I call myself a recovered alcoholic.  I've been drunk twice in the last 25 years.  I've done hallucinogens twice in the last 23 years.  I haven't used any hard drugs in well over 20 years.  At the height of my addiction, in 2010, I was getting high 3 hours a week on nitrous oxide.  That's essentially 1 out of every 50 hours.  I wouldn't be surprised if more than 50% of our entire population spends more time drinking alcohol than I was high at the height of my addiction.

 

When it comes to transgenderism, my thoughts are that all human beings are high on hormones.  Transgender people, like myself, take synthetic hormones.  Although they are mind altering in how they make me think about gender, I wouldn't say they make me high in any way.  It is a bit of a designer drug.  I don't know what the backlash and apparent hate is about.  Perhaps it is just the revolting nature of seeing a 53 year old going through puberty in a public kind of environment.  I'd much prefer to be in an isolated environment working on my solo music recordings, website and apps, but I was not getting what I needed from that and chose to be more public.  Perhaps that was a mistake?  I'm not liking the effect from it personally.  Being homeless is not a strong choice with me.  I do certainly choose homelessness over other options, but it's not like my goal is to be homeless.

 

I'm currently looking into becoming a long haul truck driver.  I crave the isolation and feel that being out of the public eye and providing that service to our society may be something they would desire.  It's unfortunate and sad that my over 100 original music compositions and solo recordings, websites and 12 apps have not generated any significant income for me in the last 25 years.  In fact, I believe I've only had two people mention to me that my music and websites actually exist at all in that time.  I don't make that stuff to sell to people as the first goal of it.  It's my art.  I make solo music like some painters paint their pictures alone.  Technology allows me to do that and I love the technology.  I mostly use analog instruments and don't use any patterns made by other people.  I've done this in my free time, like many other people, while I've been working my software career the last couple decades.  It has been an extensive amount of work and dedication to my art.  I have 12 different musical instruments that I play listed on my resume with links to recordings of most of them.

 

Anyway.  I'm not promoting my music here.  I'm here on this site because I am transgender and am posting here, describing my struggles and frustrations with my choice to remain transgender and how my community is responding to me.  It's not easy.  I feel that they are making videos of me walking around for days without shoes trying to make me look extra undesirable.  Although I have certainly been in those situations before in life, that is not a true representation of who I am.  Who I am is what you see and hear on my website.  I'm not a flag waver.  I'm not proud of or ashamed of my transgenderism.  I'm proud of the work that I do.  Both the professional work I do when I work for other people and the professional work I do on my own projects.  Especially my own projects because I am in control of the whole project.

 

It hurts that my mostly musical friends have not given me any feedback or acknowledgment on my music.  Perhaps I should have gotten angry about that a long time ago.  It's built up so much anger now that I made the decision last week of discontinuing relationships with all of them.  I'm tired of them telling me I'm crazy and that they want to lock me up.  I'm an artist.  An independent artist.  I'm 50% artist and 50% engineer.  I use my engineering side to make money because I want to remain and independent artist and I do not enjoy playing or going to music community events.  It's just the way I am wired.  As is the way I am wired to be transgender.

 

I wonder if it is the homeless people creating all that trash or if it is the other people, church people or sports people (my theories), people into comedy and ugly sweatshirts.  People with money.  I don't know.  Perhaps it is simply drug using people being bad actors.  I don't like feeling like I am associated with them.  Perhaps I have been given a gift of sobriety at a very young age.  However I got here, I'm a sober transwoman of grace and dignity.  I don't enjoy other people making me look bad.  I need a shower and I'm concerned about going to a shelter to get a shower because of some open sores on my feet.  My trust level is at an all time low.  If I can get into trucking, if they will allow me to do that, I should be happy.  I can get some music recording gear.  An SP404 again.  I small computer and A/D interface.  And a 6 string bass I have my eye on.  I can make some wonderful, loopy new music on the road and have that playing while I'm driving products to cities around the nation in a mostly isolated environment.  Hopefully I can cook a week of curries and have them in the fridge in the rig.  A small stove to cook rice.  If I had that, I'd have everything I need to be happy.  I can deal with the small space.  A transwoman partner would be nice.  Who knows?  I have made the choice of only seeking transwomen as partners now.  I find the idea of other relationships to be a source of insanity now.  It was a decision made a couple days ago.  I'll be 55 in 1.5 years.  I'm kind of getting to be a senior citizen anyway.  A few years of driving and then a basic retirement where I can make more music in a relatively isolated environment is what I want most in life personally.  There is the political side to me and my various runs for office.  If people want that from me, they will donate and offer true support.  Right now, all I see is hostility.  I enjoy studying and writing about politics and will likely continue that.

 

OK, that's it for my venting today.  I was not expecting to see such anti-trans vibes in Portland.  I've met many transgender people here and I enjoy them immensely.  We are a small community though.  A fringe.

 

Hugs,

Lydia

[Carolyn Marie]

Thanks for your update, @Lydia_R.  I'm sorry to hear that things are looking kind of bleak for you right now.  I hope things improve in your life, that you get that trucking career going, and find the resources you need to survive and thrive.  It can be a tough life, but you seem pretty strong willed and adaptable.  I wish you well.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Mirrabooka]

Best of luck to you, @Lydia_R.

 

Although I don't have an intimate knowledge of how things are in America, I thought I knew enough. I did have my mind made up that the entire PNW area was quite a friendly LGBT part of the world, as is the New England area. Maybe that was based on the assumption that blue states would be more tolerant. Coincidentally, last night I was looking up nb/androgynous clothing and the first hit I got was from a manufacturer in Portland, OR (Wildfang). This reinforced my belief that things were good there for people like us. I guess it goes to show that being out on the street is different to what we see online.

 

Again, best of luck to you.

 

 

[Lydia_R]

I'm starting to normalize a bit.  Perhaps what happened to me this summer was character assassination because of my political involvement.  I'm way too optimistic normally to think anything other than it was just intense intellectual lessons.  I just soak everything up and grow as much as I can.

 

I essentially spent August 2024 homeless and without any musical instruments.  After a short adjustment period, I was playing drums on my thighs with my hands and singing.  All the perfect pitch study that I have done in the last 3+ decades came in handy with the singing.  I'm still working on getting my hands to move properly when I'm singing, but all that work helped me out.

 

I've got an amazing 6 string bass now and I've taken to it quite rapidly unlike the decade it took me to get used to the 5 string I had previously.  I've got the high string tuned to a C and it helps to give me a lot more fingering options that make it match my normal trombone range.  My slapping skills are coming in handy and the practice I've been doing the last few years with more advanced thumb technique are amazing.  I've only had it for three days now.  Just amazing.

 

As far as Portland goes, I still feel connection with this city and the many gender non-conforming people in it.  Things became really distressing with my personal friends and the larger jazz music community and I just flat out cut ties with all of them.  I've always been bad at saying no to people.  I learned to say no to drugs in 2003 and that has turned out to be an excellent skill and choice.  I suppose I'm doing that with friends now.

 

Still working on getting into long haul trucking.  Some of my best music from 23years ago was composed and recorded in a car much smaller than these big rig trucks.  It should work out well.  As much as I like coding software, it feels good to not be coding for a living and dealing with that industry.  With all the money in the world, I could setup a nice studio and play music all day long, but I'd likely get bored with that and want to do something, like trucking.  It's kind of insane, but likely true.

 

I'm not into playing musical gigs at all and I feel a lot of bad vibes around that decision.  Perhaps the only way to truly see me perform is to have a CDL and do team trucking with me?  Talk about exclusive!  I'm just very intimate like that.  And perhaps a little crazy!!  I'm laughing.  I love the way I do things, but it isn't easy.

 

I coded this wonderful website scraper the other day.  I always wanted to find a pocket of time to do that project and it finally happened.

 

ONward!

 

Ebmaj7  (Cmin7 Dmin7) Abmaj7  Gmin7

Fmin7b5  -> Bb7#9

[Lydia_R]

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