Well, what am I?

[S.K.J]

Hi. I'm not sure where to start but I've been reading a bit since joining here but still kinda stumped, so for some context:

 

I'm Kenny. I was assigned male at birth and have lived as a man majority of my life. I’m in my 30s, married to my wife (F) for 13 years, we have two sons. I’ve worked as a nurse for a few years. I work in neonatal care (babies born too early) since February and absolutely love it.

 

Throughout my life, I’ve often felt out of sync with the expectations of being male. Even though I do find my life fulfilling with a lovely family and a meaningful career, traditional masculinity or the notion/idea of how a man is expected to behave never felt like a good fit for me, which becomes blatantly obvious every time I'm faced with typical "male"/"macho" culture.

 

I'm very sensitive in a lot of aspects, and I feel very out of place around men in general. I've always been more comfortable around women, most of my friendships being with women rather than men. 

 

I’ve been a gamer for as long as I can remember but only recently started exploring roleplay, and in doing so I began roleplaying as a female character, and this experience has felt surprisingly authentic and aligned with who I am and it's really resurfaced my doubts and feelings about my assigned gender.

 

When I was younger, I explored dressing as female, and although this interest was subdued over the years, it’s recently resurfaced too.

 

These feelings aren’t causing me any tremendous amounts of distress but they are there constantly, a sort of nagging feeling, I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria or discomfort with my body, but this roleplaying and experimenting with more "female aligned" clothing has rekindled a curiosity and sense of alignment that I haven't fully recognized or embraced before.

 

All of this has made me wonder if I might be transgender, non binary, gender non-conforming, gender fluid or if there’s another way to understand my gender identity? 

 

I'm stuck, not sure where to start. I haven't talked to anyone about this previously, wife included, so I guess I'm here seeking some advice what I should do?

 

Thanks for hearing me out.
 

[April Marie]

Welcome to TGP! You'll find lots of information here as well as many wonderful people. Explore. Ask questions and jump in where you feel comfortable.

 

Each of us is unique yet we also hold many commonalities. You'll find that many of us accepted our designated-at-birth identities for decades only to begin to question based on feelings similar to yours.

 

Unfortunately, society ascribes gender-specific attributes which just fuels the confusion. "Men don't cry or aren't sensitive." "Men don't wear skirts or brightly colored clothing." I think some of the confusion people experience is based on the societal gender "norms."

 

But, perhaps it is more than just that as many of us have found.

 

Of course, you may find some answers here through exploring and discussion. We are certainly here to help you in that regard.

 

But, I would strongly recommend you seek out a qualified therapist. A therapist will help you understand the feelings you are having and then help you develop a pathway ahead that makes sense for you. In many cases, it's possible to do so in an on-line environment. I've been working with my therapist for almost 2 years and have never met face-to-face - always in a Zoom-like setting.

 

Whatever you decide, know that you are accepted and not judged here. Again, welcome!

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. One resource that helped me a lot in exploring who I am is a wonderful Gender Identity Workwork called "Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Man Fox. It's about $15 on Amazon. It guides you with a lot of questions based on your experiences and life and it is not judgemental but it let's you organizae and answer your own questions.

 

I'm glad you are here and what you are exploring is a very important aspect of you and your peace of mind. 

 

Whatecver you conclude is yours and important to your well being and that is priceless.

 

Ask as many questions here as you like and know we want the best for you no matter what that decision or decisions may be. You are unique and special and you deserve peace of mind.

 

Hugs,

Heather

[LC]

Welcome! I have been right where you are just last year and I can tell you that this place is full of wonderful people. They will listen to you, and offer sage advice based on their background. I have had my questions answered and in most cases explained. I did get and used the book Heather Shay recommended and it did help. I learned a great deal about myself.

As April Marie suggested, look around. There is a wealth of information here. Ask questions, make comments, this is a very warm, excepting, nonjudgmental place. I look forward to seeing you around here.

[Charlize]

My exploration of my feminine self was certainly not consistent.  I experimented and then went back to the easier path that society had given me time after time.  There came a time when i simply felt uncomfortable with a foot in both worlds.  It was a matter of finding a path to  honesty about who i am.  

Time gives us all opportunities to express ourselves.  This site allowed me to share my feelings as i could not do within my family.   That alone helped me more than anything during my early journey.  

You are not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[S.K.J]

Thanks for all your responses, I feel very welcome. I do intend to talk to a therapist to help gather my thoughts a bit. I'm just feeling lost cause I've never given my wife the notion of these thoughts either, and I'm not sure how I would even bring it up. I'm almost certain she would be supportive, but where does one gather the courage to actually bring it up? And given that I've never mentioned or talked to her about feeling this way it feels like I'd be springing it on her out of the blue.

[KathyLauren]

Just now, S.K.J said:

I'm just feeling lost cause I've never given my wife the notion of these thoughts either, and I'm not sure how I would even bring it up. I'm almost certain she would be supportive, but where does one gather the courage to actually bring it up? And given that I've never mentioned or talked to her about feeling this way it feels like I'd be springing it on her out of the blue.

 

Welcome!

 

This is indeed a concern, one that I can totally relate to.  After I realized that I was transgender and that I needed to come out to my wife, it took me six months to actually do it.  I spent that time looking for an easy way to start the conversation.  There isn't one!

 

I, too, was fairly sure my wife would be supportive, but there was always that nagging doubt: "But what if she isn't?"  Eventually, I realized that the only way was to just do it.  It was a bit like jumping out of an airplane (not that I have ever done that).  Without a parachute.    That first step is scary as heck.

 

I won't keep you in suspense.  My wife was indeed supportive, and we are still together seven years later.  I hope you are equally fortunate.

[S.K.J]

Just now, KathyLauren said:

 

Welcome!

 

This is indeed a concern, one that I can totally relate to.  After I realized that I was transgender and that I needed to come out to my wife, it took me six months to actually do it.  I spent that time looking for an easy way to start the conversation.  There isn't one!

 

I, too, was fairly sure my wife would be supportive, but there was always that nagging doubt: "But what if she isn't?"  Eventually, I realized that the only way was to just do it.  It was a bit like jumping out of an airplane (not that I have ever done that).  Without a parachute.    That first step is scary as heck.

 

I won't keep you in suspense.  My wife was indeed supportive, and we are still together seven years later.  I hope you are equally fortunate.

That makes me so happy to hear. 🥹

I'm so glad I found this forum, I feel really validated and less alone and I've only been here less than a day. Thank you for sharing.

[April Marie]

Don't do what I did. I held everything inside letting the dysphoria, guilt and depression build to the boiling point. My wife knew something was wrong and when she asked me what it was, it all came bursting out. In the end, it's all worked out and we will celebrate or 50th wedding anniversary this Fall.

 

One important point is that gender identity is not the same as sexual preference. You can be transfeminine and still attracted to your wife.

 

A therapist will help you sort through some strategies for having "the conversation", too.

[S.K.J]

Just now, April Marie said:

Don't do what I did. I held everything inside letting the dysphoria, guilt and depression build to the boiling point. My wife knew something was wrong and when she asked me what it was, it all came bursting out. In the end, it's all worked out and we will celebrate or 50th wedding anniversary this Fall.

 

One important point is that gender identity is not the same as sexual preference. You can be transfeminine and still attracted to your wife.

 

A therapist will help you sort through some strategies for having "the conversation", too.

Thank you for sharing. I'm well aware sexual preference and gender identity are different. I'm still very much attracted to my wife. :)

[Timi]

On 9/16/2024 at 4:07 AM, S.K.J said:

All of this has made me wonder if I might be transgender, non binary, gender non-conforming, gender fluid or if there’s another way to understand my gender identity? 

 

Welcome!

 

Hi SKJ! I'm Timi. My "egg hatched", as the saying goes, about a year ago. I'm married (30 yrs), have been communicating with my wife as my understanding of my self unfolds,  and there have been some rough patches over the past year but now each of us are in individual therapy and it feels like our relationship is growing better and stronger in many ways. I think much of it is that I am moving away from my often low-level yet relentless stress and frustration of having to be a man, when that is not what I naturally feel like. 

 

All the terms that you mention are worth exploring and trying to understand if they resonate within yourself. I think that the language for transgender people is woefully inadequate. I think that for most of the population, what comes to mind when they hear the word "transgender" is a binary transexual woman. With, you know, the "sex change operation." That was pretty much my perception of the term for most of my life. 

 

I am learning that there is a lot more space in the transgender realm. And exploring the terms that you mention, and finding other terms, have helped me discover and navigate that space. 

 

I've found the Stained Glass Woman essays by Doc Impossible to be very succinct, educational and helpful. She's an associate professor of technical writing. If you are interested in browsing them, you can find them here: https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com

 

There are tons of other books as well. And so much information within these forums. 

 

For me, as I'm trying to understand my gender identity and what transition will look like for me, I'm drawn to reading a lot. I feel like I'm in school learning so much about psychology, sociology, history, feminism, biology -- it's all overwhelming.

 

And then ... simply exploring myself and experiencing my authentic self as I drop the masks and personas and maybe gently let go of some coping mechanisms and being brave enough to be myself in front of other people. 

 

I'm babbling. This forum is a wonderful supportive community and place to be brave. 

 

Thank you for sharing your story. 

 

-Timi

[AnnMarie]

Y'know, I see this term "egg cracked" and not sure I get it, is that a moment in your life like an epiphany? I don't know. But, I've always known I've been different. I've always known I have gender dysphoria. I've always wanted to be, or be like, girls and women I see. I've started therapy again with a stellar therapist this time, joined this forum recently and also go to zoom meetings with a transwomen's group where I still present as a man. I've also done Dara Hoffman's book, probably should read through it again and do some more thought exercises with it.

 

The point is, there is one common idea I am running into everywhere, explore your thoughts and feelings, experiment with feminine things like wearing women's clothes, taking care of your hair, allow yourself to exhibit feminine mannerisms you stifle, anything. See if each thing you do feels natural, feels like you. You don't necessarily want to "become a woman", you want to find the authentic you. You might end up being a binary transwoman with matching body parts. You might end up somewhere in-between. You might experiment and decide you are just a feminine man, or you are a just a crossdresser who sometimes desires being a woman but the feeling is not strong enough to take steps in that direction. The point is, go down the path of gender exploration, and stop at any point if you feel comfortable. Some people go all the way, some do not. 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Kenny

[Timi]

Just now, AnnMarie said:

Y'know, I see this term "egg cracked" and not sure I get it, is that a moment in your life like an epiphany?

I think that's a really good question. I use it as a trans shorthand for "when things began to change in a really big way really fast."

 

Kinda like this:

 

https://bsky.app/profile/assumptionprime.bsky.social/post/3l44yc5qupv2m

 

But when I hear people share their stories, many people don't have that experience or the specifics of the experience vary greatly. 

 

For me, it was admitting that if I had only one word to describe my soul and spirit, the word would be "feminine." Things just took off from there. It was like a Rosetta Stone that made so much of my biography make sense. So yeah, I knew it all along, I had just suppressed it the best I could. 

 

-Timi

[Ivy]

For me, what I call my "egg cracking" was when I realized and accepted that I was actually transgender - which I had avoided for most of my life.  It was a kinda a rebirth or hatching out of a shell.

I think it's a useful expression.

[KathyLauren]

Just now, Ivy said:

For me, what I call my "egg cracking" was when I realized and accepted that I was actually transgender - which I had avoided for most of my life.  It was a kinda a rebirth or hatching out of a shell.

I think it's a useful expression.

 

That is my understanding, too.  I realize that some folks have "always known", but, for many of us, it has been a struggle to figure out why we were different.  I was always the misfit in any group, and I couldn't figure out why "other men" knew how to be men but I didn't.  It was like being in a play where everyone had studied the script except me.

 

Figuring out that I was transgender was a sudden revelation to me.  If I looked up the schedule for a particular event, I could tell you when it happened to the nearest hour.  Certainly, I know the date (July 4th, 2015).  It took another six months to check it out as a possibility and confirm it, but that one moment was when my egg cracked.

[AllieJ]

Kenny, let me present a more clinical view. We are born with our gender identity hard wired into our brains, and affirming this identity gives us good feelings, but opposing it gives us not so good feelings. For most of us, these feelings are in the background for most of our lives. We may be conscious that something isn't right, but not identify what it is. 

 

Trans people have incongruent gender identity, and it causes us some stress in ebbs and flows, but generally, gets stronger over time. This is dysphoria. When we do things which affirm our birth sex, it increases, and when we do things which affirm our gender identity, it decreases. It may not be noticeable early in our lives, but can gradually grow to dominate our lives over time. 

 

Not everybody who feels unease is trans, there may be other causes, and this is where a gender specialist can help. If our conflict with gender starts to affect our daily lives, it is time to do something about it, as ignoring it can lead to serious health problems. By this stage for MTF people, their partners will have an inkling something isn't quite right, and the earlier we make them part of our search for answers, the less damage there will be to trust in the relationships. Ideally, you can initially let her know there is something bothering you, and you feel you both should investigate it. Be sensitive to her feelings, many people first tell their partners that they want to be a woman, (or man) and their partners feel rejected. If you change, you are invariably asking them to change also.

 

Many of us experience dysphoria as a growing frustration which can be relieved by doing something affirming our gender identity, even if that is only imagining ourselves in another sex role. The relief is usually short term, and the frustration builds again. This varies greatly from person to person, and even finding that you are trans doesn't mean you must transition, it just means you know what is happening and should find ways to live with it. Our particular circumstances in life will also determine what we might do.

 

There currently is no definitive diagnosis for being trans, and the diagnosis for gender dysphoria is merely the patient describing persistent symptoms of gender incongruence, so we need to eliminate other possible causes, and find acceptance in ourselves before we make changes in our lives. There are no rules to all of this, so it is all about finding peace and good health for you.

 

Good Luck!

 

Allie 

[Betty K]

Hi Kenny and welcome. One thing to keep

in mind: gender dysphoria is not a prerequisite for being trans, and gender euphoria, or that feeling of alignment, is just as valid a reason to pursue gender affirmation if that is in fact what you decide to do. If our medical systems were more focussed on prevention and less on cure, maybe this view would be more widely recognised.

[S.K.J]

Thanks everyone for your support and input, as I've previously stated I feel very validated and accepted. It's nice knowing I'm not alone in experiencing these feelings.

 

I had a first appointment with a psychologist today, and her take was that given how unsure I am of what I want or what my end goal would be, her recommendation was that I talk to my wife about having these feelings, that I don't know what I want or where I'm going and that I tell her I want to explore and experiment with this, to see what feels right. 

[Timi]

Hi Kenny @S.K.J - I wish you the best with this delicate conversation. 

 

Before I had the conversation with my wife, a wonderful supportive cis woman friend of mine told me that my wife knows, sees, and loves the true me. I could accept just enough of that as being possible to be comforted by that thought. 

 

I hope all goes well!

 

-Timi

[Justine76]

Hi Kenny, sounds like you're off to the right start with therapy and experimenting. This is largely what I've been doing since spring of this year when I realized I wasn't cis. In addition to experimentation and working with a gender specialist, I've done a lot of reflection regarding clues in my behavior and preferences over the years that I just didn't 'process' until recently. I'm 48 and married for half of that. Came out to my spouse in June and we work with a couple's therapist in addition to my individual sessions. So far, so good ;) I think it's important to not get too hung up on labels and figure out what feels best for you. Best of luck to you!

[Lydia_R]

On 9/17/2024 at 7:49 PM, KathyLauren said:

I was always the misfit in any group, and I couldn't figure out why "other men" knew how to be men but I didn't.

I felt like this too.  I wasn't very conscious of it.  I saw myself as a leader and not a follower.  The problem was no one was following!  And perhaps that is still my reality.  I'm just doing my thing.  Whether people follow or not is their thing.  Of course there are some things out there that I like and people I follow, but I'm not trying to fit in anywhere.  I'm not trying to fit into the transgender thing either, but it feels like I resonate with this thing/culture more than anything else.  There were elements/precursors to this in the rave scene, but perhaps I wasn't ready for it.  It seemed to be more drug oriented back then.  Intoxicants.  And although some of the music was amazing, it was a little too electronic for my tastes.

 

As far as "other men", yeah, I'm pretty clueless too!  Women can be a mystery as well.  I'm not one to fill my life with romantic comedies.  

[Mirrabooka]

Hello Kenny, welcome aboard. There are several aspects of your journey in common with mine. I still ask myself often, What Am I, and I've changed my gender description on my profile at least five times over the past 18 months! The thing is, it can wear you down trying to find the answer. It's better to just go with the flow. 

 

On 9/16/2024 at 9:07 PM, S.K.J said:

I'm not experiencing gender dysphoria or discomfort with my body, but this roleplaying and experimenting with more "female aligned" clothing has rekindled a curiosity and sense of alignment that I haven't fully recognized or embraced before.

Same here. Exactly. 

 

On 9/17/2024 at 3:57 AM, S.K.J said:

I'm just feeling lost cause I've never given my wife the notion of these thoughts either, and I'm not sure how I would even bring it up. I'm almost certain she would be supportive, but where does one gather the courage to actually bring it up?

If the mods deem this to be inappropriate, I'm happy for it to be removed. It's just a suggestion Kenny, but fun in the bedroom could break the ice. Just for fun, swap underwear one night, allow yourself to be more passionate than normal, and later, admit that there is a reason that you felt so good, that being in touch with your feminine side makes you feel euphoric.

[Guest]

On 9/16/2024 at 2:50 PM, KathyLauren said:

 

Welcome!

 

This is indeed a concern, one that I can totally relate to.  After I realized that I was transgender and that I needed to come out to my wife, it took me six months to actually do it.  I spent that time looking for an easy way to start the conversation.  There isn't one!

 

I, too, was fairly sure my wife would be supportive, but there was always that nagging doubt: "But what if she isn't?"  Eventually, I realized that the only way was to just do it.  It was a bit like jumping out of an airplane (not that I have ever done that).  Without a parachute.    That first step is scary as heck.

 

I won't keep you in suspense.  My wife was indeed supportive, and we are still together seven years later.  I hope you are equally fortunate.

It took me five years to do it, and when the time came it wasn't planned. The conversation just drifted there. One thing I did do over the years was try and scent the wind so to speak. We read audio books together as an escape instead of TV or movies. When anything came up in a book that hinted at cross dressing or trans issues, no matter how obliquely, I weighed that as a possible segue into a conversation starter or a means to evaluate her state of mind.

[Ivy]

Just now, Lindsey_D said:

When anything came up in a book that hinted at cross dressing or trans issues, no matter how obliquely, I weighed that as a possible segue into a conversation starter or a means to evaluate her state of mind.

For me, if something like that came up, I ran away and hid from it.