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Participation In Gender Specific Groups - Online and IRL


VickySGV

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I was recently in a discussion with a younger friend of mine about entering "Gender Specific" groups of people on-line and IRL and I had to go and look at my own life.  I have been under the LGBTQ umbrella for nearly 20 years by now, and specifically the Trans umbrella for 17 of those years.  I have been part of the Board Of Directors of an LGBTQ Community Center and part of the Lesbian Support group staff, a member of a church with Traditional women's space guilds, and have taken part in activities of female choral groups, (including being welcomed at a "women only" mini concert) and a part of online women's groups in various flavors.  I draw the line at H8 groups which advertise the H8 of Trans and even G people.

 

I have a little bit of wisdom to impart on what I have learned and then I hope this can be a topic of ongoing help for all gendered life for us.

 

Rule of a Mashed Thumb: I have always been welcome to carefully listen. This actually has helped me know who I am all the better.  Talking was an earned privilege and taken specifically and on general points.

 

Rule next: I make Trans a single feature of my life and not its focus.  I always let them see my focal features such as hobbies or community service, or the real shared medical and financial issues that I have in common with the <women><men><queer> group I am talking to before any mention of Trans.  That is not lying about myself for not coming out.  The rest of the stuff is too real.  At some point the Trans may be necessary to better represent something, but those are rare occasions. Similarities first, diversity somewhere down the road.

 

Rule 2 next:  Do not "make up" stories to cover your Trans status, nor claim the story of another member or potential member.  Until you have had a needle biopsy on breast tissue, as I have, see top rule about listening.   Keep on topic. 

 

Rule 3 next:   I DO NOT even attempt to join or converse with groups that specifically wish to eradicate their Trans gender <women> <men> <queer> equivalents. 

 

Rule 4 next: Assume that ALL of the people in the group are being authentic and no one is trying to fool the others, and be authentic yourself. Your authentic self belongs with the other authentic people there, again Trans is a tiny feature of your life, not the whole life you lead. 

 

OK -- your turn to discuss your experiences in single gender groups both problems and successes. 

 

How did you feel the first time you took part in a gendered group. 

 

My first time years ago I was more than a little nervous and unsure since I did not have my rules above thought out, and while my welcome was more tolerance that happy and open, it was strictly old timers unsure of a newbie.  I ended up serving a term as the President of the group a few years later.

 

It is OK to identify which type of Gender/ Sex Specific Group but please use the common English terms of the LGBTQ and Cis communities to protect the group and yourself. 

 

 

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I had an excellent time going to women's in person meetings.  I felt very accepted there for a good long time.  The situation changed there and in other aspects of my life and I don't attend anymore.  Probably won't revisit that much in the future, but very thankful I had the opportunity.

 

I'm very shy and introverted at social gatherings unless I'm there to perform (then it's just a day at the office and not really social).  I went to a backyard BBQ in 2023 and was just in that uncomfortable space on the sidelines.  More men than women there.  Them talking in their groups and me not knowing what to do.  One of the women rescued me and invited me to sit with them on their blanket with their baby.  I have almost no experience with children as an adult.  It felt wonderful being there with those two or three women and the baby.  It just feels affirming in a feminine way.  I may have even started braiding like I often do.

 

And that reminds me of another feminine identifying bicycle ride I went on.  We stopped to eat and it was the usual thing with me of not knowing what to do with conversations.  So I started braiding on the picnic bench and then it spurred all this conversation about needlepoint and a couple of them brought out their active projects.

 

I do enjoy these women's groups.  I suppose I feel like I am accepted with them more.  Compared to the average male, I really am clueless as to makes and models of cars that often come up in those conversations.  Start talking about sports and it's completely meaningless to me.  When I'm in a group of guys like that, I find myself just staring into space.

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Back when I was in my girl form, I went to women's groups.  Like a women's Bible study, women's soccer (although I mostly did intramural soccer), I went to an all-female gym for a long time.  I was mostly comfortable in those spaces.

 

Since I mostly live in boy form now, I don't go to female spaces.  I kind of miss the gym, even though I'm AFAB and relatively androgynous I don't think I would have a problem there.  My sister still goes (she's lesbian) and has tried to get me to go with her, but I just kind of feel a little paranoid about that. 

 

As for male-specific spaces... generally no, and never alone.  I'm unique enough that I don't really fit there either.  So no men's discussion groups, men's soccer, or a male gym.  My husband has surprised me a couple of times by taking me to a joint in the city called the "Officers Club."  Its a male-only, members-only place...members can bring guests, but only male ones.  There's a bar, a lunch counter, pool tables, a big lounge area.  Mostly it caters to men with current or previous military, police, security, political, or related careers.   The first time, we went for a drink and a sandwich, and I was terrified.  But nobody "made" me, and folks mostly accepted that I was one of his kids, or a young employee.  The second time was equally uneventful, but its not something I really want to repeat. 

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