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Can't transition


CForest89

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So, I have not felt much bad gender dysphoria till lately, and now I do. I hate to admit I'm feeling sad about the fact I'll never transition. I no longer have any trans friends, either. I feel alone... with a vital characteristic only a couple people will ever know about... 

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @CForest89.  I don't know anything about you yet, so I would be interested to know why you believe you'll never transition.  We're here to help however we can, so the more you open up, the better we will be able to do that.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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CForest89, there are many ways to reduce dysphoria, and there are many ways to transition. The majority who do transition never realise the dreams they had. So we learn to live with some compromise. Dysphoria is the symptom of the conflict with our gender, so to reduce dysphoria, we need to reduce that conflict. This can be as simple as imagining living in our gender role. It can become more real by having a semi public identity, like on social media or in shared video games.

 

I wrote fiction stories about my transition and the life after, adopted stereotypical activities like domestic work including cooking, sewing and child minding. These practices kept my dysphoria to workable levels for many decades while I lived in my birth sex role. While people acknowledged I had a softer side, nobody ever guessed I was trans.

 

I believed I would never transition as I had prominent social roles, family and work commitments. I was naturally built like a bodybuilder, so I didn't believe I could ever 'pass', but it happened for me in my late 60's, and I am living comfortably.  I have learned ways to survive, and to 'never say never'.

 

Hugs,

 

Allie

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Welcome @CForest89! and nice to meet you.
I hope you have had an opportunity for gender therapy, or if not, maybe you can seek it out.  If you stay with us on this Forum you will find many of us (myself included) who have struggled with gender dysphoria without being able to see a path forward.  But most all of us eventually reached our 'destination'.

It is possible, and it's a different timeline for all of us.  So if you don't give up and you can look for even small steps over time, eventually you will see profound progress.

 

btw - your efforts at music and writing are also great ways to express your True Self ... and they have nothing to do with gender.  Wishing you all the Best.

Deep breaths ... One step at a time

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CW: extreme slur mentioned below

 

Thanks, all, your words are encouraging. 

 

@Carolyn Marie, essentially, it's because the women I'm attracted to are politically left, like me, but due to their upbringing in their home country, they have a somewhat backward view of queer folks, especially Trans folks. It's also relevant because my image is as a sort of alpha male, and they love this about me. But it is definitely *not* what I would prefer.

 

The only woman I've ever loved was from that country and had a number of queer friends, but said she would never sleep with a man who had slept with other men. Mind you, I've never slept with a man, but perhaps you see what I'm talking about. 

 

When I thought I was non-binary, I came out to my Mother, but she just told me repeatedly over a month that she gave birth to a boy and that'll never change. I very much love my Mother and don't want to hurt her. My father refers to trans women as "f...ing freak shows" and transmen and lesbians as "he/she/it" and uses the super cringe "alphabet mafia" phrase.

 

And then what my enormous extended family would think of me. I'm sure my godparents would be accepting, but idk about anyone else. 

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  • Forum Moderator

You are not alone here, as you see above, you have met many new friends already and we want you to be happy. If you do wish to transition, there will be a way, but if you feel comfortable not transitioning that does not make you less who you are. You are the most important person and need to put yourself first as you go through your journey. You can't give what you don't have, so be kind, compassionate and work onyourself ten you will be hap[pier and able to give of yourself and you'll find peace and not loneliness as you'll attract the right people to you.

So glad you are here and among friends who care and want you to be happy.

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  • Forum Moderator

You've already had wonderful responses from some of our rock stars. We're here to help in any way we can, even if it's just to offer a shoulder to cry and lean on.

 

I think it's important to understand that transition isn't a fixed end state. It is a never-ending process that has no real fixed definition. Transition is what gets you to the point where you are happy with who you are. Each of us is unique.

 

I would also recommend you work with a gender-specializing therapist. Therapy can help you find ways to deal with the dysphoria and also make a plan for what transition can/will be like for you. And, it doesn't have to be face-to-face therapy. I've worked totally in an on-line environment with mine for almost 2 years now.

 

Our goal, as unique as we each are, is to be happy. You can find that happiness.

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My sincere thanks for everyone’s advice/perspectives. I will take it to heart, it’s really nice to be able to talk to like-minded people for once

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 10/23/2024 at 10:44 AM, CForest89 said:

My sincere thanks for everyone’s advice/perspectives. I will take it to heart, it’s really nice to be able to talk to like-minded people for once

Hi! I am a bit late to this thread but it resonated with me.

 

In my current situation I will not be able to transition either. Maybe someday I will, but I get how you feel. My dysphoria ebbs and flows. Some days are worse than others. But like @AllieJ mentioned above there are little things that I have done to mitigate the feelings. Such as buying and wearing some basic women's underwear, nothing fancy that might draw attention if accidentally seen, that I will wear some days. I am also looking into buying some other more androgynous clothing. I have come out to my therapist and when I see her we can discuss the feelings openly. I have also come out to a select few other people. One of which is my hair stylist that has me listed as Rebecca in his online appointment system. And, in addition to this forum, there is another online forum where I have made a couple of friends. They know my story and know me now as Rebecca. These little things have helped. 

 

So, I wish you well as you continue to navigate this day to day. 

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7 hours ago, Rebecca Y said:

Hi! I am a bit late to this thread but it resonated with me.

 

Same here. I note that @CForest89 hasn't visited for a while, but anyways, this is for her.

 

I don't think that I will transition either, but what I mean by that is socially and surgically. But in reality, I have transitioned, because I now think of myself as someone who has gone from point A to point...I don't know, point G? As opposed to point Z. But point G is where I found my pot of gold.

 

I'm not dysphoric enough to need to transition wholly. That doesn't mean that dysphoria doesn't affect me. It does, but it is minor and it is subtle. I don't feel bad if I don't do or wear anything feminine or act in a feminine manner, but I feel better if I do. It's all relative.

 

Wearing women's underwear is a no-brainer. It's not a fetish thing. There are plenty of other things to affirm your transness, like androgynous clothing as suggested, which I often wear too, but also, and perhaps the easiest thing to do - grow your hair!

 

Even the simple act of applying some moisturizer to your face every day in lieu of makeup gives me an affirming feeling. As does using women's deodorants. Grow your nails just a little bit and file them round instead of clipping them straight. Coat them with clear gel occasionally, if you can't use a colored polish. There are literally dozens of tiny little affirming actions that you can do, all the while remaining invisible to others.

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I can most definitely relate to this thread, because I attend a medical day-centre that refuses to see me as anything other than male.

I also live in an independent living housing facility for the elderly and disabled that also knew me first in boy mode.

 

Over the last several years I have gone from a mullet haircut and bib overalls with baggy shirts (To hide my obvious curves) to letting my hair grow out and buying 100% off the woman's rack.

 

Both locations have come to accept the fact that I'm now in girl-mode, however neither of those locations will truely accept the transition. As explain to me several times, it's against their Christian values (Texas Puritan leftovers). 

 

The dress code at the day-centre has been stacked against me, and we struggle with what would be accepted as androgynous on my daily attire. I absolutely refuse to wear men's clothing even though they have donated large amounts to me. Women's trousers and blouses are finally passing the test without too much problem, even floral designs. The only reason I'm allowed to wear a bra, according to management, is the fact that my doctor prescribes support to relieve my neck pain. Otherwise the bra would be forbidden.

 

I am however who I am, and I am an individual with kardashian-sized hips, F cup sized breasts, and mix genitalia down below. As my grandmother used to say, "you can be whoever you want to be!"

 

Great strides have been made, but only by pushing the envelope. Every small advancement has been a struggle. It's all about negotiating out a comfort zone.

 

 

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