Ready to come out but…

[Kyleigh]

I have recently accepted that I am a trans woman after keeping in a box my whole life, with some experimenting with cross dressing and tucking, growing my hair out but then always getting scared, thinking something was just wrong with me and running back to normal. I got married at 19 and am still married and we have had many fights over me hiding things throughout our marriage, which now makes a lot more sense to me. I have been lying to both of us for the whole time. She would find my browsing history erased etc and challenge me about it and I would come up some excuse that wouldn’t make sense and erode the trust. I am amazed she is still with me to be honest. I know I owe it to her to just come out but I am afraid of the betrayal she is going to feel. The fighting has been less lately because I’ve been hiding it less, I’ve been openly wearing thongs, and women’s leggings daily, which has helped some but it’s not enough. I hate myself as I am, my penis and testicles are ugly and I hate looking at them, I feel incomplete without breasts, I see my wife’s and am so jealous of them. She will catch me staring at her naked body because I am trying to picture myself like that because it feels so much better. I will wear her clothes when home alone and clean the house or just hang out and play xbox. Am I being selfish by potentially wrecking the life we have build over the 15 years just to be myself? Or is it more wrong to continue to make us both unhappy and continue the lie for the occasional days to happiness when they happen?

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums @Kyleigh  From what I am sure the others will see as well it is time for both of you to be seeing some Counselors both for the marriage and you for your gender feelings.  You are safe here and there is enough here that if your wife sees this, she can look in to some of the help for her journey that is about to begin as well.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Kyleigh.  Welcome!

 

This is a dilemma that all of us who were married have faced.  I have to admit that coming out to my wife was just about the hardest thing I have ever done.  You have to accept the fact that she gets a vote, too.  Not about who you are, but about what to do about it.

 

I strongly second Vicky's suggestion to talk to one or more counsellors, both for your gender issue and for your marriage.

[April Marie]

First, welcome to TGP. You've found a place full of information and wonderful people, many of whom have been where you are right now.

 

I will just reiterate what has been said already. Coming out to a spouse is one of the hardest things a person can do. But, as Kathy said, your spouse gets a vote, too, since this affects you both tremendously.

 

Counseling can/will help you both no matter what direction you lives take.

[Betty K]

6 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

Am I being selfish by potentially wrecking the life we have build over the 15 years just to be myself?

 

Hi Kyleigh and welcome. I'm in a minority here because my ex-wife and I had already separated when I came out, a fact for which I am grateful. But I have to say no, imo if you are hiding yourself in a relationship then that is not a relationship worth having. I'll also say this: my ex-wife and I are the best of friends, there is absolutely no friction between us and we both agree our relationship is better now than it's ever been. Relationships can take all kinds of shapes.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

I have recently accepted that I am a trans woman after keeping in a box my whole life, with some experimenting with cross dressing and tucking, growing my hair out but then always getting scared, thinking something was just wrong with me and running back to normal. I got married at 19 and am still married and we have had many fights over me hiding things throughout our marriage, which now makes a lot more sense to me. I have been lying to both of us for the whole time. She would find my browsing history erased etc and challenge me about it and I would come up some excuse that wouldn’t make sense and erode the trust. I am amazed she is still with me to be honest. I know I owe it to her to just come out but I am afraid of the betrayal she is going to feel. The fighting has been less lately because I’ve been hiding it less, I’ve been openly wearing thongs, and women’s leggings daily, which has helped some but it’s not enough. I hate myself as I am, my penis and testicles are ugly and I hate looking at them, I feel incomplete without breasts, I see my wife’s and am so jealous of them. She will catch me staring at her naked body because I am trying to picture myself like that because it feels so much better. I will wear her clothes when home alone and clean the house or just hang out and play xbox. Am I being selfish by potentially wrecking the life we have build over the 15 years just to be myself? Or is it more wrong to continue to make us both unhappy and continue the lie for the occasional days to happiness when they happen?

Both things can be true at once.

 

I hid myself away for five years before I finally came out. What finally brought me to that point was less about being uncomfortable with my "true" self and more about duplicity. And when I did finally come out, the timing was totally unplanned. It just happened playing it by ear as it goes. It was indeed one of the hardest things I have ever done. We had 30 plus years together, and I was hopeful we would continue to turn calendar pages together. I didn't have a plan, and I didn't talk it through with a professional. I just winged it. I echo what most the others here say. Talk to a therapist.

 

 

[Ivy]

Welcome Kyleigh.

 

I'm like Betty K, in that my marriage (of over 40yrs) was over when my egg finally cracked.

But I think it was an issue in the split, although at the time I was still in deep denial myself.  A spouse knows there is something going on.

 

And also like Betty, my ex and I are still friends and get along much better than before - when I was still hiding.

 

But many here have come to an understanding with their spouse, and have been able to stay together.  Good luck to you guys.

[Femina]

4 hours ago, Lindsey_D said:

Both things can be true at once.

 

I hid myself away for five years before I finally came out. What finally brought me to that point was less about being uncomfortable with my "true" self and more about duplicity. And when I did finally come out, the timing was totally unplanned. It just happened playing it by ear as it goes. It was indeed one of the hardest things I have ever done. We had 30 plus years together, and I was hopeful we would continue to turn calendar pages together. I didn't have a plan, and I didn't talk it through with a professional. I just winged it. I echo what most the others here say. Talk to a therapist.

 

 

 

16 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

I have recently accepted that I am a trans woman after keeping in a box my whole life, with some experimenting with cross dressing and tucking, growing my hair out but then always getting scared, thinking something was just wrong with me and running back to normal. I got married at 19 and am still married and we have had many fights over me hiding things throughout our marriage, which now makes a lot more sense to me. I have been lying to both of us for the whole time. She would find my browsing history erased etc and challenge me about it and I would come up some excuse that wouldn’t make sense and erode the trust. I am amazed she is still with me to be honest. I know I owe it to her to just come out but I am afraid of the betrayal she is going to feel. The fighting has been less lately because I’ve been hiding it less, I’ve been openly wearing thongs, and women’s leggings daily, which has helped some but it’s not enough. I hate myself as I am, my penis and testicles are ugly and I hate looking at them, I feel incomplete without breasts, I see my wife’s and am so jealous of them. She will catch me staring at her naked body because I am trying to picture myself like that because it feels so much better. I will wear her clothes when home alone and clean the house or just hang out and play xbox. Am I being selfish by potentially wrecking the life we have build over the 15 years just to be myself? Or is it more wrong to continue to make us both unhappy and continue the lie for the occasional days to happiness when they happen?

I know it's easy to say. But I think, at the moment, you should remain calm and, perhaps, seek therapy. It's difficult to give an opinion from a distance. But in my experience. The femininity I feel is more internal. Then, of course, I like to wear feminine things but the most important thing is what's in my soul. We're all different. But what I feel is that my penis could be something feminine. It could be a bigger clitoris and the testicles, two big labia. Like I said, it's difficult to give advice. But try to accept more and gradually change whatever is possible. Try talking to your wife little by little. You've already taken one step. Take it easy. Everything will be fine.

[Ashley0616]

17 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

I have recently accepted that I am a trans woman after keeping in a box my whole life, with some experimenting with cross dressing and tucking, growing my hair out but then always getting scared, thinking something was just wrong with me and running back to normal. I got married at 19 and am still married and we have had many fights over me hiding things throughout our marriage, which now makes a lot more sense to me. I have been lying to both of us for the whole time. She would find my browsing history erased etc and challenge me about it and I would come up some excuse that wouldn’t make sense and erode the trust. I am amazed she is still with me to be honest. I know I owe it to her to just come out but I am afraid of the betrayal she is going to feel. The fighting has been less lately because I’ve been hiding it less, I’ve been openly wearing thongs, and women’s leggings daily, which has helped some but it’s not enough. I hate myself as I am, my penis and testicles are ugly and I hate looking at them, I feel incomplete without breasts, I see my wife’s and am so jealous of them. She will catch me staring at her naked body because I am trying to picture myself like that because it feels so much better. I will wear her clothes when home alone and clean the house or just hang out and play xbox. Am I being selfish by potentially wrecking the life we have build over the 15 years just to be myself? Or is it more wrong to continue to make us both unhappy and continue the lie for the occasional days to happiness when they happen?

IMO she is getting mad mostly not due to being trans but I'm sure it was a shock to her too. We need to realize that we aren't the only ones going through transition. You have known yourself to be different for a long time and it's not fair for us to believe that they should just jump on the wagon. She is mad because you are violating her trust. Trust is huge! Once you lose it, it's hard to get back if they are even willing to. I would setup a therapist appointment and try to get her to join. You two will both learn a lot about it. Yes you are definitely lucky she is with you. My wife at the time abandoned me without any notice. I would suggest to continue slowly transitioning because it is hard to adapt to. I know there have been many other wives divorced them because they just couldn't handle it. Just think if the roles were reversed and was a trans man.

[Kyleigh]

Thank you all for the insight, I do have a therapist, I just haven’t brought this topic up yet, it was one of his questions at the initial appointment that was my egg crack moment. I set up therapy because my wife told me to get my sh**t sorted out after our most reach fight and me being just generally unhappy all the time for a long time. Any way he asked me the question while trying to develop the plan for therapy about if a fairy god mother came in one night and waved her wand and I woke up the ideal me what would that look like? I wasn’t able to answer really at the time in his office but I thought about for several days that I’d basically what lead me to my acceptance of being a trans women. I don’t know how many times I’ve wished to just wake up as a women. I have another session this week with him. I will discuss this with him, I don’t know his experience with gender dysphoria but I also reached out to my PCP at the VA. Most branches have a specialist in house now so maybe if he can’t help they can. Now just to figure the time to talk about this with my wife. Any pointers on timing? I’m sure she knows something has changed, I haven’t touched her since my egg crack moment because I feel like it’s her right to not be touched by a women if she doesn’t want to be but I have a week long hunting trip coming up in a few days and we both work 12 hr shifts. I was thinking we she has a couple days off to process? When I’m not going to be running off into the woods for a week so I can be there to answer questions and the that will give me time to reflect, talk the therapist and find answers to her potential questions? Or am I don’t her a disservice waiting? Thanks again. 

[KymmieL]

Welcome Kyleigh, and thank you for your service. I would assume you are vet since you go to the VA.

 

I get all my medical and mental health care at the VA.The VA is the most accepting place I have ever been to. I feel so right when I am there. I have used the VA mental health services for over 20 years. I came out to my regular therapist in 2017. I was transferred to a gender specialist. I had the evaluation and diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. I am on my 6th therapist. My current one is good, but IMHO the VA let the best one ever go when her internship ended. She was my previous one.

 

My current PCP is actually my GYN. Who also monitors my transition care.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

[Guest]

Just now, Kyleigh said:

Thank you all for the insight, I do have a therapist, I just haven’t brought this topic up yet, it was one of his questions at the initial appointment that was my egg crack moment. I set up therapy because my wife told me to get my sh**t sorted out after our most reach fight and me being just generally unhappy all the time for a long time. Any way he asked me the question while trying to develop the plan for therapy about if a fairy god mother came in one night and waved her wand and I woke up the ideal me what would that look like? I wasn’t able to answer really at the time in his office but I thought about for several days that I’d basically what lead me to my acceptance of being a trans women. I don’t know how many times I’ve wished to just wake up as a women. I have another session this week with him. I will discuss this with him, I don’t know his experience with gender dysphoria but I also reached out to my PCP at the VA. Most branches have a specialist in house now so maybe if he can’t help they can. Now just to figure the time to talk about this with my wife. Any pointers on timing? I’m sure she knows something has changed, I haven’t touched her since my egg crack moment because I feel like it’s her right to not be touched by a women if she doesn’t want to be but I have a week long hunting trip coming up in a few days and we both work 12 hr shifts. I was thinking we she has a couple days off to process? When I’m not going to be running off into the woods for a week so I can be there to answer questions and the that will give me time to reflect, talk the therapist and find answers to her potential questions? Or am I don’t her a disservice waiting? Thanks again. 

All I can do is give you what I think I would do were I in your shoes, and I am clearly not, nor is anyone else here. Many have gone through situations that look the same but are totally different animals. Pretty much all the variables are different except "the talk." So, therapist first. I didn't have that option really, so I worked it out myself. That took a goodish while for me because I thought it was a transitory crazy CD fetish at first. I figured it was like many other things in my life, and when I burned out on it, that would be that. When it became clear that this wasn't going away to stay, I started thinking about tactics. I didn't really bother with a strategy because I knew whatever plan I might make would crumble at first contact. So, what I did was look at consequences first for myself if I said nothing and for if I told wife. I laid out an array of what I thought her possible reactions might be from one extreme to the other. Would she leave me? Would she kick me out? Would she lose it and out me to people I was not ready to be out to? And I made contingency plans for those extremes.

 

Then I looked at what I thought would be her most likely responses and tried to anticipate her questions. And I planned for emotional reactions too and decided how I would handle those eventualities. They are inevitable. I can also tell you that it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. Our discussions ended up spreading out over maybe a half dozen talks over a couple of weeks. Much of that was redundant though.

 

My situation is radically different than yours. I didn't then and still do not have any plans to transition. And my gender issues didn't start for me until my mid 50s. So, we had more than 30 years together before this all started. And a good bit of what I had to do in the first couple of talks was give a mini lecture on pretty much everything gender. It would not surprise me if there isn't a PDF or something here, or somewhere online, that she could read or you could use for reference.

 

that is great that you already have a therapist. He or she can probably give you more ideas, and if she is agreeable maybe even see you both together. As for timing, again, work with the therapist on that. I had to work out for myself where I wanted to be, what would be ideal, what would be copacetic, what my priorities were and how important keeping my marriage was.

 

Exhausting. Emotions all over the map sans anger. Questions from every angle imaginable. I am glad I didn't bother with a plan as it would not have lasted five minutes. I am glad I prepared so thoroughly. Just be as forthright and honest as you can even with the questions for which you have no answers.

 

 

 

[April Marie]

Lindsey gave you lots of great information and insight. In retrospect after going through "the talks" with my wife I would just echo that compassion and honesty are very important. And, be prepared for the long haul. It took my wife about a year and a half to process everything and sort it all out in her mind. We were married for 48 years when I came out to her after decades of dysphoria- driven depression. 

 

My wife went through the entire range of emotions over that time. Some days were rough for the both of us. 

 

Being prepared for questions will help and I would definitely discuss the process with your therapist beforehand.

 

Good luck and remember we are here for you.

[KathyLauren]

5 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

Any pointers on timing?

 

Although it might feel like tomorrow is better than today, in my experience, today is better than tomorrow, and yesterday would have been better than today.  There is no good time, but putting it off helps no one.  Of course, you will have to what is the best time in your circumstances, but I would advise against putting it off too long.

[Ivy]

8 hours ago, KymmieL said:

I get all my medical and mental health care at the VA.The VA is the most accepting place I have ever been to. I feel so right when I am there.

This has also been my experience with the VA.

I still have my original PC doctor, but get my trans related care from the women's clinic.

We also have a transgender support group that meets twice a month - at least before Helene tore up Asheville.

 

8 hours ago, Kyleigh said:

and me being just generally unhappy all the time for a long time.

My ex said this about me before my egg cracked.  I would claim I was happy.  And I thought so.  But I guess it was true.  When I realized I was a "girl" I was the happiest I could remember in a very long time.

Sometimes our spouses pick up on things about us that we are unwilling to face our own selves.

[Guest]

Just now, Ivy said:

This has also been my experience with the VA.

I still have my original PC doctor, but get my trans related care from the women's clinic.

We also have a transgender support group that meets twice a month - at least before Helene tore up Asheville.

 

My ex said this about me before my egg cracked.  I would claim I was happy.  And I thought so.  But I guess it was true.  When I realized I was a "girl" I was the happiest I could remember in a very long time.

Sometimes our spouses pick up on things about us that we are unwilling to face our own selves.

LOL. And sometimes they don't. My wife was absolutely gobsmacked.

[Ivy]

Just now, Lindsey_D said:

And sometimes they don't. My wife was absolutely gobsmacked.

I'm not sure either of us understood exactly what was wrong at the time.  But it came out eventually.

We are still good friends although divorced.  Sometimes that's for the best, but sometimes things do work out.

[Guest]

Just now, Ivy said:

I'm not sure either of us understood exactly what was wrong at the time.  But it came out eventually.

We are still good friends although divorced.  Sometimes that's for the best, but sometimes things do work out.

I'm not sure I would say there was really anything wrong here except the duplicity. That was what troubled my conscience. The past six years have been really pretty darn good, and the last year I think the best yet in recent memory anyway. that's for the relationship; for my mental state, things are sometimes quite a lot more unsettled.

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. i see you've met some of the incredible people here who have helped me. I can understand what you are going through and some aspects I almost felt like it was my writing. The situation with your wife is such that if you truly regard your marriage as something you treasure then have compassion as she hasn't been exposed to your journey nor might not understand it. They say if you want your marriage to last, there are no guarantees but you must do what you must to be happy with who you are and if you can compromise that is a good things.

[Rose]

Dear Kyleigh, 

 

I do understand that yours is not an easy situation, as I have been through this myself. 

 

I read your post one two hours ago, and I’ve been wondering since what could be the best advice I could give you, in order to help you. 

 

I think the most important thing is for you to be well prepared in your mind about what you will tell her. 

 

First of all, I think the most important is to speak from the deepest point possible inside you heart: if you know that you are a trans woman, it’s better to say it frankly than to begin with a “softer” presentation of things like “I like to dress as a woman”. The most sincere it is, the easiest to understand and to accept IMO. Because if it’s a condition you really experience in every part and moment of your life, it can’t just be ignored. Someone who would just like to wear women’s clothes for fun is obviously not in the same situation. You can resist and manage an addiction, it’s much more difficult to do it with a real mental condition.

 

Another important thing also is to be sure that the way you will say it is not biased by other problems in your couple, or she may not be able to think about what you said with an open mind. For example, you being a trans woman can explain some aspects of your behaviour as a husband that don’t please her, but make sure that when you talk about it, she won’t feel like you are trying to blame her for anything. In my own story, understanding my being a trans woman explained a lot of frustration my wife had because she thought I wasn’t acting like a normal husband in numerous circumstances. Actually, she was right to think what she thought, as I wasn’t a “normal” husband. And I can’t blame her for thinking this. Actually my coming out helped a lot to ease our relations. Now she knows what she can’t await from me and why, and she also enjoys a more relaxed state in our relationship.

 

So it’s important that you have a clear idea of what you want to say and how you want to say. How you will introduce the subject, how you will formulate it. For all of this, a therapist is a good person to work on it with. 

 

Plus it’s important that you take your time to be able to speak in a relaxed and peaceful way, and also that the moment is adequate for her to be able to really listen, and not be bothered by material worries. It there is stress whatsoever, if there is a time schedule, is there are upcoming social obligations, the risk is that you won’t have time enough to explain the things in a coherent and most possible depassionate way. Or that she won’t be present enough in the situation to receive a sincere message coming from your heart. Or that she won’t have enough time and peace of mind to be able to understand what you are telling her, to receive it, to process it, and to be able to understand what she thinks of it. And to ask you questions. And to listen to your answers. And so on. 

 

So the best would be for example an evening when you have no obligations, and several hours in front of you, that you would have usually spent dining, talking and watching tv. 

 

So the answer to your initial question would be: talk to her

-as soon as you are clear about what you want to tell her, and you are sure that it comes from your heart and is not biased by other problems in your couple

-when you think you will have enough time together discuss it, i.e. she has time and peace of mind to receive what you are telling her, and you have time and peace of mind also to receive her reactions. 

 

If you manage to do so, I think the fact that she can have some days afterwhile to think it further can be a good thing.  

 

Sorry for the long post, but yours was not an easy question!!!

 

All the best,

 

Cheers, 

 

Rose

[Guest]

Just now, Rose said:

 

Dear Kyleigh, 

 

I do understand that yours is not an easy situation, as I have been through this myself. 

 

I read your post one two hours ago, and I’ve been wondering since what could be the best advice I could give you, in order to help you. 

 

I think the most important thing is for you to be well prepared in your mind about what you will tell her. 

 

First of all, I think the most important is to speak from the deepest point possible inside you heart: if you know that you are a trans woman, it’s better to say it frankly than to begin with a “softer” presentation of things like “I like to dress as a woman”. The most sincere it is, the easiest to understand and to accept IMO. Because if it’s a condition you really experience in every part and moment of your life, it can’t just be ignored. Someone who would just like to wear women’s clothes for fun is obviously not in the same situation. You can resist and manage an addiction, it’s much more difficult to do it with a real mental condition.

 

Another important thing also is to be sure that the way you will say it is not biased by other problems in your couple, or she may not be able to think about what you said with an open mind. For example, you being a trans woman can explain some aspects of your behaviour as a husband that don’t please her, but make sure that when you talk about it, she won’t feel like you are trying to blame her for anything. In my own story, understanding my being a trans woman explained a lot of frustration my wife had because she thought I wasn’t acting like a normal husband in numerous circumstances. Actually, she was right to think what she thought, as I wasn’t a “normal” husband. And I can’t blame her for thinking this. Actually my coming out helped a lot to ease our relations. Now she knows what she can’t await from me and why, and she also enjoys a more relaxed state in our relationship.

 

So it’s important that you have a clear idea of what you want to say and how you want to say. How you will introduce the subject, how you will formulate it. For all of this, a therapist is a good person to work on it with. 

 

Plus it’s important that you take your time to be able to speak in a relaxed and peaceful way, and also that the moment is adequate for her to be able to really listen, and not be bothered by material worries. It there is stress whatsoever, if there is a time schedule, is there are upcoming social obligations, the risk is that you won’t have time enough to explain the things in a coherent and most possible depassionate way. Or that she won’t be present enough in the situation to receive a sincere message coming from your heart. Or that she won’t have enough time and peace of mind to be able to understand what you are telling her, to receive it, to process it, and to be able to understand what she thinks of it. And to ask you questions. And to listen to your answers. And so on. 

 

So the best would be for example an evening when you have no obligations, and several hours in front of you, that you would have usually spent dining, talking and watching tv. 

 

So the answer to your initial question would be: talk to her

-as soon as you are clear about what you want to tell her, and you are sure that it comes from your heart and is not biased by other problems in your couple

-when you think you will have enough time together discuss it, i.e. she has time and peace of mind to receive what you are telling her, and you have time and peace of mind also to receive her reactions. 

 

If you manage to do so, I think the fact that she can have some days afterwhile to think it further can be a good thing.  

 

Sorry for the long post, but yours was not an easy question!!!

 

All the best,

 

Cheers, 

 

Rose

Exactly. Straight in your own mind about who and what you are and where it might be leading before trying to explain something to someone else. Part of my preparation was to be ready to spend several days in a hotel or with friends/family if wife needed the space and time to process. Not to sound all Scriptural, but you are asking for faith, patience and understanding &c, in so much as you ask these of her, be willing to extend them to her in kind.

[KymmieL]

Just now, Ivy said:

We also have a transgender support group that meets twice a month

I wish we had that at our VA. The LGBT coordinator is my current therapist. 

 

Kymmie

[Rose]

Just now, Lindsey_D said:

 you are asking for faith, patience and understanding &c, in so much as you ask these of her, be willing to extend them to her in kind.

Well said Lindsey! Exactly what I meant 

[Guest]

Just now, Rose said:

Well said Lindsey! Exactly what I meant 

Thanks, but not really my words, just a summary paraphrase from Gal. 5:22.

[Ashley0616]

On 11/3/2024 at 1:40 AM, Kyleigh said:

Thank you all for the insight, I do have a therapist, I just haven’t brought this topic up yet, it was one of his questions at the initial appointment that was my egg crack moment. I set up therapy because my wife told me to get my sh**t sorted out after our most reach fight and me being just generally unhappy all the time for a long time. Any way he asked me the question while trying to develop the plan for therapy about if a fairy god mother came in one night and waved her wand and I woke up the ideal me what would that look like? I wasn’t able to answer really at the time in his office but I thought about for several days that I’d basically what lead me to my acceptance of being a trans women. I don’t know how many times I’ve wished to just wake up as a women. I have another session this week with him. I will discuss this with him, I don’t know his experience with gender dysphoria but I also reached out to my PCP at the VA. Most branches have a specialist in house now so maybe if he can’t help they can. Now just to figure the time to talk about this with my wife. Any pointers on timing? I’m sure she knows something has changed, I haven’t touched her since my egg crack moment because I feel like it’s her right to not be touched by a women if she doesn’t want to be but I have a week long hunting trip coming up in a few days and we both work 12 hr shifts. I was thinking we she has a couple days off to process? When I’m not going to be running off into the woods for a week so I can be there to answer questions and the that will give me time to reflect, talk the therapist and find answers to her potential questions? Or am I don’t her a disservice waiting? Thanks again. 

My advice that if you take a week off you might put a nail in the coffin. Take some time away but that much time might show her how little you care. She has probably said it fine and or whatever you want. That is a trick to see what is more valuable to you. Two or three days should be ample amount of time to think things over. Tread carefully if you still want her.