Hi everyone, I'm Dani

[Dani LeFae]

I am a 52 year old bearded newly gender fluid AMAB. I have closeted since about age 10 when I realized wow I felt when expressing myself through clothing was wrong. I think like many I first used my moms night dress around age 9 and remember it felt so good. I was home alone and stayed in her night dress all day simply playing with my toys in my room. Around age 10 I got caught and was shamed for it. I went a few years before the impulse to dress became to strong to ignore. I began, occasionally dressing in secret. Around this time I had a secret boyfriend and I would use his sisters clothing once in a while until he said it was weird, so back in the closet I would go and stay. I never connected sexuality to dressing. The feelings I experienced were more around comfort and pretty. After several failed relationships, 1 failed marriage, and 2 children, I met my current partner at age 22. I had 2 children, she had 2 children, we married, and had another. I did not fully dress for about 8 or 9 years but the impulse was strong. Around age 30 or so I came out to my partner. We were members of an internet group that was often openly sexual in nature. I had offered a questionnaire into one of the forums and one of the questions was "Have you ever warn clothing of the opposite sex?". We each answered the questions together and she was surprised by my answer. I was to find that, though she was surprised, she was supportive and encouraging. At the time our children were between the ages of 5 and 10, so I was limited to dressing only in our bedroom at night and/or when our children were at school. I would love those days. I would get up in the morning and see my wife off to her job, get the kids off to school, and get changed to spend the day as Dani, well back then it was Emily (long story). This went on for about 4 years off and on. I never really felt confident in how I looked to dress when alone with my wife except a few times or at night. After we bought our new home in 2009 I stopped again. The house was smaller, the kids were older, and we hit kind of a lull in our marriage. I was worried my kids would catch me or that my partner would no longer accept me. For the previous 13 years I have hid myself behind a mask of "gentle masculinity" is what my partner calls it. My partner and I have worked very hard at becoming each others best friend, support, lover, nurturer, and partner. We have a relationship that I never thought possible, but I stilled harbored shame, guilt, and fear about this masked part of who I am.  Recently, last month, I had a dream which left me feeling conflicted. It involved me being dressed as Dani and helping my partner prepare for something hurtful to myself. I felt conflicted because I felt hurt by what was going on in the dream, but I also felt excited about having been dressed and the impulse was again strong. I spoke to my partner about the dream and all of the feelings associated with it. I still struggle quite a bit with the shame and stigma that was instilled in me as a child. Again my partner was not only accepting and supportive but also encouraging. I have a hard time sometimes trusting it is true, but she has never lead me to know otherwise. So, here I sit today, about 3 weeks later next to my partner watching TV dressed as Dani, well as much as I am comfortable with at the moment. I shared with her a picture from yesterday. Yesterday while she was at work I wore my new burgundy tights and shirt, plaid skirt, and shoes. I am able to dress and be who I am and someday I will be be able to share that with her in person. I am still very self-conscious and sometimes feel fear and shame around it, but she is helping me work through it. Anyways, that's me. I am not thrilled with having a full beard and mustache, but I am a Santa during the Christmas season with a couple of good paying accounts, so, well at least for now, I am a full bearded genderfluid project in the working. 

[Sally Stone]

Hi Dani,

 

Welcome to the TransPulse forums. Thanks for sharing a little about yourself.  I think you'll find great friendship and support here.   

[April Marie]

Welcome, Dani!! Thank you so much for sharing your story. You'll find many here with both similarities and differences to how we got here and our planned way ahead. We are all unique yet linked in many ways.

 

There are lots of resources here to help and many wonderful people, as well. We're here to support each other so feel free to ask questions and jump into conversations where you feel comfortable.

 

I'm so happy you found us here and look forward to getting to know you. I think you'll find that we are all works in progress. Some of us have just gotten more work done than others. And, others, like me, are still in the early stages of construction.  

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. I'm glad you are here and you've already many a few of the wonderful people here. You'll meet others soon.

[Charlize]

Welcome Dani,

11 hours ago, Dani LeFae said:

I still struggle quite a bit with the shame and stigma that was instilled in me as a child.

I know that struggle. The current political situation continues to demonize any one who is not totally cis gender I have moments when i remember those feelings.   The journey to self acceptance was a long journey for me.  At 63 i went full time but before that there were years of dressing in the closet and clandestine trip into the world.  @ 76 i am actually content and at peace with my gender.  I am living the dream.

We each have our paths.  Many find peace only in the privacy of the home.  

You are not alone!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize