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totally new to talking about this


newtothis

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i’m sooo new to talking about this - anywhere.  the fact that i even made an account was a huge step. anyway, I have never admitted feeling dysphoric to anyone or on any forum etc. A little scared, tbh.

 

anyway, cis male-regular guy, handsome, decent physique-and i do like my body as male for the most part. but i have, for the past 40 years, since i was a teen and even younger felt this conflict.and it’s been really active lately.

 

have been feeling like i need to move fwd in figuring this out. any words of wisdom? i have sooo much more to talk trans about etc. been on top of all of it for 40 years lol! 

 

sorry, not a great exciting story but joining a forum and posting about this is a HUGE first step. honestly, i feel a huge weight lifted already.

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  • Admin

Welcome to Trans Pulse, @newtothis.  Your conflicting feelings are well understand by all of us here, so you are among folks who get you.  As for "words of wisdom," seeing a gender therapist to help figure out your feelings, and where to go from here, is a step we often recommend.

 

I know how you feel, too, about the immensity of just admitting to yourself or anyone else this secret you've carried so long.  Congrats, hon.  Make yourself at home.

 

HUGS

 

Carolyn Marie

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome - I can certainly relate to your journey. I will suggest you can help determine who you are and where you are going by getting Dara-Hoffman-Fox's Gender Identity workbook on Amazon for about $15 (maybe cheaper with Black Friday specials). It guides you in many areas and you use it by filling in details about your personal life so you can use it to help you know yourself better. 

It is personal and you don't need to share it with anyone, just yourself.

Thank you for joining us. You are brave and I am proud of you. I am an older member and it took me so much of my  life to not be afraid and listen to myself and stop lying to myself when all the signs were.

Hugs.

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Hi @newtothis I’m also a male happy with my male physique and as of recently have felt the same way. October 18 I started my journey and slowly showing my true self as Silas my family deemed me dead and have found my true family and support as well as starting here on “TransPulse” this forum is amazing and full of support in every aspect of our journey and life there’s no judgment either we all accept and understand each other and know that we’re all different in what we require during transition. Feel free to reach out like I said I’m a little I’ve a month on Anti- Androgen and doing well it’s a journey for sure and you’re in the right place to start.

 

Silas

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to TGP. Many, if not most of us, felt much as you do and had the same fears about opening up to anyone about it. You've taken a wonderfully brave first step. Congratulations.

 

We are each unique yet have much in common also. You'll find lots of information here as well as truly amazing people who are willing to help, laugh or cry with you, or just offer a shoulder to lean on as you figure things out.

 

I will echo that working with a gender therapist is a great way to help answer the questions you have and then to plot a course forward. For me, and others, it was life-saving.

 

Many of us have started late in life, some much later than you. It's never too late to discover yourself.

 

Jump in where you feel comfortable. Ak questions or just read and learn. Whatever you do, we are happy you've found us.

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thank you all for reaching out. i have to admit, i’ve had to take a few days before coming back here. i woke up the next day thinking, omg, what did i do?! i swore for years that i would never let these feelings be known to anyone. and here i go posting on a public forum lol! i mean, noone here knows me in person so i do feel safe. 

 

idk what kind of journey i’m on with this. like i said before, these thoughts have been with me for 40 years on and off. and i’m so used to living my life as i have. but, at least the door has been opened ever so slightly lol. 

 

i am curious…as far as therapists go, is it possible to discuss this with them anonymously. like, i’m terrified of meeting face to face. not at that point yet. maybe if i found one that i could have initial phone conversations with? is this even possible?

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On 11/25/2024 at 2:14 PM, SilasG said:

Hi @newtothis I’m also a male happy with my male physique and as of recently have felt the same way. October 18 I started my journey and slowly showing my true self as Silas my family deemed me dead and have found my true family and support as well as starting here on “TransPulse” this forum is amazing and full of support in every aspect of our journey and life there’s no judgment either we all accept and understand each other and know that we’re all different in what we require during transition. Feel free to reach out like I said I’m a little I’ve a month on Anti- Androgen and doing well it’s a journey for sure and you’re in the right place to start.

 

Silas

interesting. thanks for reaching out. sorry for the troubles you’ve had. hopefully things move in the right direction for you. i am curious though, you said that you have been happy with your male physique but you’ve started anti-androgen. isn’t that going to change your physique? sorry if that’s a dumb question! like i say, i’m fairly new to discussing this.

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On 11/25/2024 at 11:10 AM, Heather Shay said:

Welcome - I can certainly relate to your journey. I will suggest you can help determine who you are and where you are going by getting Dara-Hoffman-Fox's Gender Identity workbook on Amazon for about $15 (maybe cheaper with Black Friday specials). It guides you in many areas and you use it by filling in details about your personal life so you can use it to help you know yourself better. 

It is personal and you don't need to share it with anyone, just yourself.

Thank you for joining us. You are brave and I am proud of you. I am an older member and it took me so much of my  life to not be afraid and listen to myself and stop lying to myself when all the signs were.

Hugs.

 

thank you so much. i’ll look into that workbook. i remember taking some online gender test and, honestly, it was a while back and i need to do something like that again. i don’t even remember what the results were. 

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Just now, newtothis said:

i am curious…as far as therapists go, is it possible to discuss this with them anonymously. like, i’m terrified of meeting face to face. not at that point yet. maybe if i found one that i could have initial phone conversations with? is this even possible?

Hi @newtothis and welcome!

 

A lot of therapists meet virtually. Usually there is an initial 15 minute meeting that is free. 

 

I invite you to read this article about therapists. It covers a lot of ground, maybe more than you are needing at this moment, but I think it is good advice to consider. 

 

https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15

 

-Timi

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  • Forum Moderator

I can't remember who it was, but someone here recently wrote about having phone therapy sessions. It all depends on your therapist. 

 

I have only ever worked with mine through video conferencing which may also work for you. The key is to find someone you trust and connect with...and let it fly. You'll be amazed how good you feel and how easy it will get after letting go that first time.

 

In any case, you are safe to share your thoughts here. No one will judge you and I can pretty much guarantee that someone...or all of us.. have had similar thoughts. Sometimes, you just feel a connection with someone you correspond with here in the open forum and could, perhaps, reach out to that person by PM and see if she/he/they are open to discussing things with you more privately in a PM setting. 

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Hi @newtothis - I wanted to follow up on my previous message. I think the most useful information is at the end of the essay. 

 

Thinking about this reminded me of a little over a year ago. I was home alone, at my desk. I had some trusted friends that I had told about the thoughts and feelings that had been bubbling up for 6 months. I had just learned that the term "transgender" could indeed, in theory, apply to me. 

 

I remember sitting at my desk barely holding back the tears as I typed the words "therapist for transgender" into Google. When I went through the Psychology Today website, filtering for my area and for transgender specialists, and the list came up, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. 

 

It ended up taking a few months after that for me to set myself up with a therapist, and I ended up going with someone who was referred to be by a friend. It's been good and very helpful in helping me cope with the stresses that have come with me acknowledging and accepting a lifetime of experiencing gender incongruence. And she has been helpful in me articulating and addressing other issues as well. 

 

Thank you for sharing and asking questions! I wish the best for you in your journey!

 

-Timi

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11 hours ago, newtothis said:

interesting. thanks for reaching out. sorry for the troubles you’ve had. hopefully things move in the right direction for you. i am curious though, you said that you have been happy with your male physique but you’ve started anti-androgen. isn’t that going to change your physique? sorry if that’s a dumb question! like i say, i’m fairly new to discussing this.

@newtothisThe Anti- Androgen is only a testosterone blocker it’s not estrogen. The estrogen will change my physique by promoting breast growth, as well as adding other feminine features without surgery. With only the anti-androgen I have noticed less rage and aggression when I get triggered or feel threatened I can clearly process my feelings, emotions and thoughts while expressing them clearly. I do have the ability to use the rage and aggression as needed and “Knock on wood” haven’t as I’ve been capable of defusing situations before they get to that point. I hope this answers your question as far as the Anti-androgen. IMG_3640.thumb.jpeg.435fd995959bfdfd3ad2d742bb4a15e4.jpegthis is my most recent photo and I don’t plan on changing much besides my hair removal from the jawline down and regenerating my hairline on my head as well as a couple other mods. Know that this forum is full of amazing people and we all understand and support each others individually and their journey. Happy Thanksgiving to you and everyone else in the forum.

 

Silas

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perhaps rather than taking any form of medication it might be more useful to talk with a therapist about your direction in life and as others have said it may be available as online therapy in the first instance. I am sure that everyone on here would not advocate taking any medication without professional medical guidance. Hope you have a lovely thanksgiving

huggs kat

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On 11/27/2024 at 12:36 AM, Timi said:

Hi @newtothis and welcome!

 

A lot of therapists meet virtually. Usually there is an initial 15 minute meeting that is free. 

 

I invite you to read this article about therapists. It covers a lot of ground, maybe more than you are needing at this moment, but I think it is good advice to consider. 

 

https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15

 

-Timi

 

thank you so much. i will check that out.

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On 11/27/2024 at 12:29 PM, Timi said:

Hi @newtothis - I wanted to follow up on my previous message. I think the most useful information is at the end of the essay. 

 

Thinking about this reminded me of a little over a year ago. I was home alone, at my desk. I had some trusted friends that I had told about the thoughts and feelings that had been bubbling up for 6 months. I had just learned that the term "transgender" could indeed, in theory, apply to me. 

 

I remember sitting at my desk barely holding back the tears as I typed the words "therapist for transgender" into Google. When I went through the Psychology Today website, filtering for my area and for transgender specialists, and the list came up, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. 

 

It ended up taking a few months after that for me to set myself up with a therapist, and I ended up going with someone who was referred to be by a friend. It's been good and very helpful in helping me cope with the stresses that have come with me acknowledging and accepting a lifetime of experiencing gender incongruence. And she has been helpful in me articulating and addressing other issues as well. 

 

Thank you for sharing and asking questions! I wish the best for you in your journey!

 

-Timi

 

that’s a really inspiring story - thank you. i was on that site earlier just familiarizing myself with the therapists in the area. you know, i felt fairly confident. i wasn’t upset or nervous. i think just reading everyone’s stories all over the various forums etc has made me feel less anxious about all of this and a lot of comfort. hopefully, that continues. 

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On 11/27/2024 at 2:18 AM, April Marie said:

I can't remember who it was, but someone here recently wrote about having phone therapy sessions. It all depends on your therapist. 

 

I have only ever worked with mine through video conferencing which may also work for you. The key is to find someone you trust and connect with...and let it fly. You'll be amazed how good you feel and how easy it will get after letting go that first time.

 

In any case, you are safe to share your thoughts here. No one will judge you and I can pretty much guarantee that someone...or all of us.. have had similar thoughts. Sometimes, you just feel a connection with someone you correspond with here in the open forum and could, perhaps, reach out to that person by PM and see if she/he/they are open to discussing things with you more privately in a PM setting. 

 

thank you for your feedback. as i mentioned just before to someone else, i looked up therapists today and i had an unbelievable calmness about it, some confidence and even a little bit of excitement about speaking with a therapist. i will definitely post then that happens. one day at a time though….

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On 11/27/2024 at 12:49 PM, SilasG said:

@newtothisThe Anti- Androgen is only a testosterone blocker it’s not estrogen. The estrogen will change my physique by promoting breast growth, as well as adding other feminine features without surgery. With only the anti-androgen I have noticed less rage and aggression when I get triggered or feel threatened I can clearly process my feelings, emotions and thoughts while expressing them clearly. I do have the ability to use the rage and aggression as needed and “Knock on wood” haven’t as I’ve been capable of defusing situations before they get to that point. I hope this answers your question as far as the Anti-androgen. IMG_3640.thumb.jpeg.435fd995959bfdfd3ad2d742bb4a15e4.jpegthis is my most recent photo and I don’t plan on changing much besides my hair removal from the jawline down and regenerating my hairline on my head as well as a couple other mods. Know that this forum is full of amazing people and we all understand and support each others individually and their journey. Happy Thanksgiving to you and everyone else in the forum.

 

Silas

 

thanks for the clarification. so glad the anti-androgen is working for you. yes, the support here is amazing. this is day 5 for me where i have not been in denial about myself. it’s the longest consecutive period i have ever been through. i have been reading a lot (A LOT) on here and other social media and it really has made me a bit more confident about things. i still can’t believe that i have done this (opening up). i am fairly eager to speak in person with a therapist. i was looking online today. 

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On 11/27/2024 at 2:11 PM, kat2 said:

perhaps rather than taking any form of medication it might be more useful to talk with a therapist about your direction in life and as others have said it may be available as online therapy in the first instance. I am sure that everyone on here would not advocate taking any medication without professional medical guidance. Hope you have a lovely thanksgiving

huggs kat

 

yes yes yes! thanks for your kind words. i definitely feel that medication would be a ways off if and am pretty sure no therapist would give their blessing to start hrt for a while - should that even be what i want/need to do.

 

i have been on a crash course this week just reading about everyone’s experiences on various social media platforms (and here) and it really has made me feel at ease. tbh, i have been a bit obsessed lol. i’m really not even that nervous about meeting in person with a therapist. a week ago none of this was in the plans at all. AT ALL! i still can’t believe as i type this that here i am on a forum talking about myself and all of this. it’s been a milestone week. anyway, hope you’ve had a wonderful thanksgiving!

 

 

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Just now, newtothis said:

 

thank you for your feedback. as i mentioned just before to someone else, i looked up therapists today and i had an unbelievable calmness about it, some confidence and even a little bit of excitement about speaking with a therapist. i will definitely post then that happens. one day at a time though….

I’m happy for you. It starts slow and snow balls over time. You seem really calm. I remember my first therapist visit I was too scared to walk into the waiting room. My therapist walked out and greeted me while I was standing there frozen deer in the headlights.

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